Friendly Advice… or Heiji, You Big Idiot
A Detective Conan one-shot
Author's note: Obviously, my sister and I think of the most random things over Starbucks (green tea fraps, to be precise). By the way, I love Heiji. And Detective Conan isn't mine, obviously.
Shinichi could stare at Ran for hours, no matter what, whether she was folding the laundry, vacuuming, sitting curled up on the couch, playing with Genta, Mitsuhiko or Ayumi… she could be doing the most mundane, unimpressive things and Shinichi still thought with all his heart how utterly in love he was. She was currently in the kitchen, cooking dinner at the agency. Shinichi was sitting not so far away, watching her laugh as she spoke on the phone with Kazuha.
It was their weekly relationship update. If he remembered correctly, Kazuha and Heiji finally started dating around the time Shinichi proposed to Ran… a year ago? That sounded about right. Still, Shinichi didn't know what those two women could possibly talk about, considering they stayed on the phone for a good hour or so. Women were women, he shrugged. The smile on Shinichi's face grew as Ran stirred whatever stew was simmering in the pot. Whatever it was, smelled good. He was gaining a little weight but that wasn't his fault; Ran was a wizard behind the stove.
Just then, he felt a vibration in his pants. Shinichi jumped at the sudden stimulation and reached in his back pants pocket. The LCD screen on front read the Western Detective's name. Wondering the nature of the call, Shinichi quickly opened his cell phone. "Hello?"
"Kudo!" came the heavy Osakan accent from the earpiece. "I need your help!"
The urgency in Heiji's voice sent Shinichi on red-alert. Did Heiji come across a difficult case? Perhaps a massacre occurred in a locked room with the lock of the door filled in with glue? "What's wrong, Hattori?"
"I don't think Kazuha wants to have sex anymore!"
A siren blared; a police car sped by the street outside.
Shinichi, as an automatic response, dropped his phone in his lap and released a very disgruntled noise. Being the genius he was, images, thorough images, began to take shape in his head. "Hello! Oi! Kudo!" yelling from the small device began.
Shinichi turned to his fiancée, who stared at him with puzzled eyes. He grinned sheepishly, muttered a quick "Be right back" as he picked up his phone and sat on the stairwell outside. "Hattori," Shinichi cautiously returned the phone to his ear. "I know we're friends and everything, but that's not exactly something I want to hear."
"Come on, Kudo! I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important! She said she doesn't want it anymore and I dunno what to do!"
Shinichi sighed. Defeat took over him; damn his kind-hearted soul. "Alright, what happened?"
"Well, it was around the fourth time we--."
"Whoa! Hattori!" Shinichi put his brain on defense and seized up. "I meant, tell me what she said, not what you two were doing while she said it!" Seriously, he didn't need all the details…
"Oh." Heiji sounded a little deflated. Perhaps he wanted to brag about how many rounds he and Kazuha could go for? Frankly, Shinichi didn't care. To him, certain things just didn't belong in the same sentence. Ran and sex… now that belonged together quite nicely. Heiji and sex… well, there were so many things wrong with that, Shinichi couldn't even begin to list them all. "Well, she said that maybe we shouldn't do it anymore."
"Do you know why?" Shinichi proceeded to fiddle with his bangs.
"Um… something about doing it too much?"
Shinichi's face landed in his palm. "Okay…" Shinichi couldn't fight back the squeamish feelings burning his cheeks. He wasn't really having this conversation, was he? "Maybe she's getting tired of it."
"What? Do you think it's because I'm not good anymore?"
Shinichi's ears would bleed any second now. He couldn't believe the amount of idiocy Heiji possessed! "How the hell should I know!"
"That's why I'm asking you!" Heiji's panicked yells shook his eardrum. "You're supposed to be smart or whatever, Mr. Detective of the East."
"Idiot, deduction doesn't have anything to do with your sex-life."
"Yes, it does! I wanna deduce why my girlfriend doesn't wanna have sex with me!"
Shinichi sighed again. "Alright, maybe because you two have sex so much, she doesn't want to do it anymore," Shinichi had to suppress the upcoming visuals. "And it's not because of your skill, or that you should mix it up a bit…" again, he squashed all visuals with a shiver. He was NOT having this conversation. "Remember, you're doing this with the girl you love. The act shouldn't be a monotonous one. It should be something exceptional and special, something that not only you want, but something she wants as well."
Heiji released a breath of realization. "I get it."
Shinichi was amazed. So, Hattori wasn't an idiot when it came to relationships after all…
"All I gotta do is wait and not do it. Then, Kazuha'll come begging for sex after a while!"
What the…? That wasn't what Shinichi said at all. "I did--!"
"Thanks Kudo!" The line went dead, signaling Heiji's quick departure.
Shinichi stared dumbstruck at his phone. Forget what he thought earlier; Heiji was an idiot. Shinichi got to his feet, slipped his flip phone into his pocket and walked back inside. Ran was finished setting the table, her cell phone on top of the TV. "Sorry, I had to take that call," he informed her.
"It's okay," Ran smiled and waited for Shinichi to sit down first. "That was Hattori-kun, right? He needed your help on a case?"
"No, just advice." Shinichi reached for his soupspoon.
"On Kazuha and how she didn't want to have sex everyday?"
Shinichi dropped the utensil on the table. "How did you know?"
"She was just telling me now," Ran took a sip of the broth. "Kazuha wanted me to give her advice on how to handle Hattori-kun's brooding."
Shinichi tried to not let the subject interrupt his appetite. "Yeah. He asked me what he should do."
At this, Ran giggled. "He asked you for… sex advice? I didn't know guys did that."
"Neither did I," Shinichi chewed on a beef chunk. "Neither did I…"