I own only the particular brand of insanity. The rest belongs to JKR. Enjoy!
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Harry thought things had been a little odd this morning.
For one, everyone was wearing purple.
And two, no one seemed to care.
"Bloody scar." Harry murmured to himself as he rubbed it with the palm of his hand, walking down the corridor to the Great Hall for breakfast.
Conveniently, as he kept his head down the whole way, he missed several extrordinary things, including Crabbe and Goyle skipping down the corridor, Neville wearing only yellow swim trunks with a smiley face adorning the back, and Hagrid in a Scottish kilt.
However, he became alarmed when he looked up at the House Table and see Lord Voldemort sitting in the headmaster's chair.
In pink robes.
No longer bald, but with long, curly dark locks of hair, and joking amiably to P:rofessor McGonagal.
And if that wasnt horrible enough, Professor Snape just happened to stride by Harry at that exact moment, and pinch his arse.
Needless to say, Harry fainted.
Slap!
Smack!
Thwack!
"Ughh..." Harry groaned, opening his eyes. "Merlin's beard, I just had the oddest dream..."
He blinked and looked around, until someone had the foresight to slip his glasses back onto his face.
What Harry saw now almost made him pass out again.
Lord Voldemort
Pink Robes
Dead, giant fish?
"Did you just slap me with a fish?" Harry squeaked incredulously, and started to scramble backwards.
"Well of course, Harry." The Dork Lord smiled jovially. "It's only the proper way to wake someone up. Now come, Mr. Potter. Up! UP! I do believe it is time for potions." Voldie pushed Harry gently towards the doors, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively as he finally stood.
However, just as he was stumbling off stupidly to attempt a trip to the dungeons, a resounding chorus of 'Hit Me Baby one More Time' blared up in the castle.
Instantly the Dork Lord paled and children started to shriek.
Voldiekins cast a sonorus on himslf. "PLEASE, ALL STUDENTS SIXTH YEAR AND ABOVE JOIN ME OUTSIDE IN THE HALL, EVERYONE ELSE, PLEASE REMAIN IN YOUR SEATS!"
"Quietus" Lord Voldemort muttered, before turning to Harry. "Well... go on then! The castle's being attacked! Do your... save the castle thingy! Go! GO!" Voldemort shoved Harry haphazardly down the hallway and out onto the lawn to meet his doom.
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Harry stumbled outside, squinting at the harsh sunlight, and had to blink for a while like an idiot before his vision finally adjusted
Harry stood shocked at the sight before him, slack-jawed.
"Dumbledore?" Harry said quietly, then louder. "Professor Dumbledore!" He yelled, running right up to the man, who, oddly enough, was wearing a pink muggle nightgown and a pair of very garish looking socks. The other sixth and seventh years shrieked and screamed as he ran up to the man and grabbed his elbow.
Albus turned and smiled warmly at Harry
"Hello, Harry, my dear boy! Would you care for a Lemon Drop?" He asked, holding out a candy dish full of aforementioned yellow sweets. For some reason this made several people scream, and Harry looked around at them with an eyebrow raised.
"No, Headmaster, but thank you... I was just wondering what the... " But he couldn't continue, as Dumbledore was looking at him, stony faced.
"Fool!" Some random person yelled from the crowd. "You are surely going to die now!"
Harry really had no clue in hell what was going on as Dumbledore manaically grabbed a lemon drop and twisted the candy in his fingers.
"Er... Professor?" Harry said quietly, before Dumbledore pulled back his arm and lobbed the candy at Harry's forehead.
The candy crackled and landed harmlessly in the grass.
"Oh sweet Merlin!" Harry heard Professor McGonagal exclaim from behind him. "He's survived the curse again!"
Dumbledore scruitinized Harry for a moment, before lobbing another sweet at his body, hitting him in the shoulder.
"Professor..." Harry said, but was cut off as another lemon drop flew through the air to strike his person. "Professor.. what are you... " Harry said, eyes narrowed in confusion as he took a step backwards. Just then Dumbledore pulled out multiple lemon drops and pulled back his fist.
"Sir... what..." But that was as far as he got when Dumbledore released his projectiles.
"HARRRY! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Screamed someone close to him, and he watched as a black figure jumped in front of himself, taking the candies to the chest.
There was a shocked silence as the figure just slumped to the ground, unmoving.
"Oh for Merlin's sake!" Harry said, throwing up his hands and reaching down to the person.
"Hey... uh... P... Professor Snape? Well.. anyways.. wake up.. Sir.. stop being an idiot Sir, get up." Harry said, shaking the man's shoulders.
Harry sighed at the unresponsive man, and instead turned his attention to the candy on the grass. He picked up a few candies from the ground. A collective gasp went throughout the crowd.
"You can do it, Harry!" Yelled Voldemort from somewhere behind him. "You have to kill Dumbledore!"
Harry stared down at the candies in his hand, to Tom, to Albus, to the candies, and to Albus once again. He rolled his eyes and lobbed the sweets at Dumbledore. They made slight crinkling noises as they hit the grass.
Dumbledore stared incredulously at Harry for a few seconds before slumping down to the ground.
Harry rolled his eyes again and returned his attention to Professor Snape.
"Professor Snape." He said, shaking the man again. "Professor Snape!"
Someone touched his shoulder, and Harry turned to see Remus Lupin.
"He's gone, Harry." Said Remus quietly, his voice full of compassion and his eyes filled with sparkly tears.
Harry stared up at Lupin for a moment, and then turned back to Snape. He dared to start smacking his Professor's cheeks. After about five minutes of this (and oh yes, Harry did enjoy it, just a little) Harry was exasperated, until he spotted Tom standing with the limp fish in his hands.
"Er... Lord Voldemort?"
"Call me ICE-E!" The Dark Lord squealed.
"Anyways," Harry said, while pondering his sanity "Can I borrow your fish?"
"Oh yes, please. I would be honored to share my fish with you. !" Lord Voldemort handed over the fish and whispered "His name is Bob. Wield him well, young one."
Harry continued to ponder his sanity while walking over to Professor Snape. He then grabbed the big slimy fish by its gills and flapped the tail end all over his Professor's face.
The man sat up right away, spluttering, scales and slime on his face.
"Well gosh, love. If you liked it rough, all you had to do was ask." Professor Snape mumbled a bit blearily.
"Love?" Harry asked, eyebrow raised. A good Lord Voldemort, dressed in pink, a psychotic dumbledore, and a worldwide fear of lemon drops was one thing, but this...
So Harry promptly started to pinch himself.
"Ow. Ow. Ow.. Ow... Ow..." Harry said emotionlessly, pinching his arm.
Meanwhile, the Dork Lord had retrieved his fish. Looking around and seeing Harry in a questionable mental state, he raised his fish and swung it bodily at Harry's head.
Obligingly, Harry fainted (but not before getting a good picture of a pink Voldie doing the tango with Dumbledore's lingerie clad body.)
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"AAAAAAAAAaaaaahhhhhh!" The raven haired boy shot straight up in his bed in the hospital wing, and started to babble hysterically.
"Oh sweet Merlin no more tango... please not the tango... Merline it's all pink, it's all too pink..."
The dark figure sitting in a chair next to the bed grabbed the boy's shoulders and tried to get him to lie down, but he kept thrashing.
Therefore, Severus Snape did the only thing he could think of , (because of a very convenient lack of calming potions and the like) he slapped the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Have-Ludicrus-Dreams-About-The-Dork-Lord once accross the cheek.
The boy stopped and held up a hand to his cheek, looking at Snape with a shocked expression.
Emerald eyes locked with Onyx, and there was silence, until Harry finally uttered...
"Did you just hit me with a fish?" And promptly passed into blissfull unconsciousness.
"Well, shite. That was bloody strange." Severus Snape said, before skipping out of the infirmary, yelling out 'This is the song that never ends,' much to the annoyance of several hundreds of paintings that aligned Hogwart's walls.