Title: Upside Down

Summary: Taking things a little farther in 6.18. Maybe she can't stop. Doesn't she have a right to be confused by now? She didn't think the consequences would be so big. It only takes one time.

Notes: I, of course as a literati fan, shared a love/hate relationship with "The Real Paul Anka". I mean, it was great to see Jess so happy and doing so well, and I know that how they ended the episode was the only way they could take it as far as where Rory is in her life right now (to explain further: she sucks). But here's my take on, if Milo wasn't being so ridiculous and let himself be written back into the show, what would really happen. I'm going to do this without bashing Logan or making Jess look perfect, so . . . I guess I hope you like it.

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Life is turned down upside down

But then maybe

It's just been put back the right way round

All your dreams realized

There's a fire in your eyes

And despite of its size

You soon realize that it's alright

Tonight, feels right

Now theres a cross

That nobody should really have to bear

But then maybe

That's just when lifes treating you fair

There are lessons you learn

When you've waited your turn

And things didn't turn out

Quite the way that you dreamt about

But it still feels right

Life Turned Upside Down by Badly Drawn Boy

He is so close to her, she can feel his knees against hers, through the fabric of their clothes, as if there is heat coming from his skin. She wonders, as her literary mind always does, why there are so many people she meets every day, sees and talks to, touches more than this, and there is no spark. Sometimes even with her boyfriend. But with Jess, she does not see him for a month, a year, two, or more, and just after a glance the spark turns into an intoxicating fire, a fire she cannot help but stare into, sometimes walk into. Even when he is being an ass, if he did not leave like he did in her dorm freshman year, she was sure she would have kissed him anyways. And now . . . now he was not "Jess, the public high school dropout who always leaves" but "Jess, the author, Jess, the man who is happy". She can see it in his eyes right now as he looks at her hopefully, she can see a sparkle behind the color, and she can see the life he made. She wants to throw him a party, buy him the world, just because he found this happiness, all by himself, or maybe she helped a little. "I couldn't have done it without you," he told her. But he still wants more. Or maybe he needs it.

"I'm glad you came," he says finally, as if needing an excuse for being so close to her. Rory thinks that maybe she should leave now, go back to Logan, drive back to her new life. But can she really call that uncomfortable apartment, filled with her and Logan's problems, a home right now? Maybe she should work it out with Logan. Maybe this is wrong.

"Me too," she says, and looks down at his lips, hoping he sees her shift in vision. Maybe this is what she needs. He moves in now, and she feels his lips before they touch hers, softly, gently, as if he is afraid to scare her away. A voice in the back of her head tells her she should leave, push him away, apologize and cry, and then go back to her mom. That's what Rory would do, that's what Mary would do. But, whatever this is: revenge, lust, unfinished business, she wants it. She wants it so bad it feels as if she is about to explode, or maybe that's him, his tongue now exploring familiar territory. He moves his hand to her shoulder, pulling her closer, and her whole body becomes heated, her head buzzing. It is Jess, she is sure of it. She kisses him back, deep, trying to get as much of him as she can, as much of the feeling of freedom and ecstasy. He pulls back, not to reject her, but to look at her. Her eyes are still closed at first, so involved she does not understand what has happened. But then she opens them and sees him smiling at her, and she pouts.

"No fair," she says.

"I missed you, Rory," he says softly, just as he always says the things he really means. Softly, so no one can hear, so no one can remember, so he can just say it because he needs to. She smiles instinctively, surprised to hear him be so honest. She tries to put out words, but the only thing she can think of is 'happy', which would not be as good as 'I miss you too' or even, 'I love you'. He does not seem to notice, and moves to her neck, kissing it softly, warmly, kissing the spot he remembers. Rory moans just a little: Logan has never found that spot; that has always been Jess' spot.

"I always miss you," he says, muffled in-between kisses. I miss you: the words trigger in her head the thought of Logan-her boyfriend. For a second, she feels bad and guilty, regretful even. But then she remembers all the feelings of frustration, confusion and anger that come with the words "her boyfriend" and she moves her body closer to Jess' again, holding tightly onto his back. When he looks up, she kisses him with a passion her resentment towards Logan had chased away. After a minute, she pulls back slowly, pressing her forehead against Jess', smiling, a little out of breath.

"I guess you're glad to see me," Jess says at last, laughing a little, laughing at them, at where they are and where they have been, where they have come from. Laughing because he is happy. Rory knows it: he is happy. He kisses her again, quickly, on the lips.

"I live upstairs . . . my roommates are out," he says almost shyly, and Rory laughs.

"Hey, what makes you think I'm that happy to see you?"

"What? You mean-oh no Rory Gilmore, I was just thinking . . . you know, I have books up there. I think you would like to see them," his smile is sly.

"I've seen your books before," she decides to make him work for it, even though they both know he is going to get it. She brings her hand to his hair, playing with it, strong and soft.

"I've gotten new books, different books," he kisses her cheek, her jaw line, her nose. He has always been very persuasive. He kisses behind her ear, and a shiver runs down her spine. He moves his face away again, waiting for her response. She stands up, almost as if she is about to walk out the door, finally do the right thing. But she doesn't. He watches her, as she smiles like a teenager again, grabbing his hand, walking backwards. He walks towards her, not taking his eyes off her, watching her as if he is in awe. When she turns to walk up the stairs, he stops her and kisses her, one of those kisses that makes her toes go numb. When he steps back and starts to walk up the stairs again, she remembers one more time about reality, about ethics, glances at the door for just a second, and then decides. She kisses him all the way up the stairs. She kisses him all the way.

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He has fallen asleep, his head on her shoulder, his breath hot on her skin. She had pretended to fall asleep as to not worry him, but now that he no longer watches her, her eyes are open almost unnaturally wide, staring at the ceiling. Three words keep echoing in her mind, not very intelligent for a journalism major, but it is all she can think of.

"Oh my God," she says them to the ceiling. After the passion, after the sex, after the moans, after the ecstasy, she finally returns to earth. When he said those words: "I love you, Rory." Just like Logan said not that long ago.

She still loves him. Logan. The asshole, the man who cheated on her, the man who might move to another country after semester ends. But he is still hers. And no matter how much she wishes that she could hate him, it is not over yet. He is still her Logan. Or he was, before she did this. What will he do if he finds out? Rory almost cries. She cheated on him tonight. She yelled at him, reprimanded him, made him beg for her: and then cheated on him. She looks back at Jess again, his lips curved into a hint of a smile. Is it from a dream, she wonders, or from her?

She still loves him. Jess. The jerk, the man who left her heartbroken, the man who told her he loved her and then left, the man who only sees her when he wants something from her. But he is still hers. She knew it even when he was disappointed in her, even when he thought she was a failure. He will always be hers. What will he do if he finds out she did not 'fix' everything? A pain hits her heart as she tries to picture his face if he knew he was the other man, if he knew that Logan is waiting for her at their apartment. She always pegged him as the bad guy; now she is using him. Jess moves in his sleep, away from her, almost as if he heard her confession inside her mind.

She looks at his back, muscular and tan, the same back that has turned on her so many times. She touches it tentatively with one hand, and he flinches. She retracts her hand quickly, but he snores silently and she knows he is still asleep. She moves closer to his body, her naked front against his naked back, an almost perfect fit. Lying there for a moment, she knows that a part of her wants to stay here. A part of her will always want to stay here. But should and want are different words. She kisses the back of his neck softly, and then scoots slowly out of the bed, careful not to tug on the sheets and disturb him. She puts her clothes on in the dark, his roommates still are not home. Walking towards the stairs again, she passes a notepad with a pen resting askew beside it. She reaches for it, and then pulls back again. A cruel part of her says he deserves it. She pads down the stairs and out the door, a shopping list on a post-it falling from her coat pocket and the smile on Jess' face the only evidence she has been here.

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This is a multi-chapter, I promise. Actually, I already have part of the next chapter written, so it should be up really soon. I know that I always say I'm going to update and I don't, but there is no way I could leave this story like this. There is a lot more to come. I wish I could write it all out in one chapter, but the flow would be really bad and your eyeballs would fall out, which would also be bad, of course.