What's Left Behind - Chapter 7

"It's been four days, Carson. I need to know something."

He could hear the worry in her voice and it made heart beat a little faster. He was slowly becoming aware of his surroundings. He could feel the IV in the back of his hand and, yeah, there was a catheter. He could hear the heart monitor and feel the leads attached to his chest. He could feel the blood pressure cuff on his upper arm.

"I know Elizabeth, I know. I can't tell when he'll wake up, but his vital signs are stronger today than they have been since the seizure, so I'm pretty sure he will wake up at some point."

And then he could feel the soft padding on the inside of the restraints. His stomach clenched in fear for a moment until he reminded himself that they didn't know. They thought he was still Thalan. He concentrated on relaxing himself, on not panicking, even though that was what the restraints made him want to do.

"That's the best news you've been able to give me in a while, so I suppose I should just be grateful for that. I don't guess you know who'll be there when he wakes up, John or Thalan?"

The answer was given so softly that he couldn't hear what was said. It was then that he realized his eyes were open and he was looking at the ceiling. He eased his head to the side to see privacy curtains surrounding his bed. They were standing just on the other side, still talking, but now in hushed whispers that he could no longer hear. He wanted to join the party.

"Hey," he tried to call out, but was surprised when it came out a garbled groan. The result was the same as the one he was trying to achieve, however. Carson and Elizabeth hurried around the curtain to his bedside.

Carson tried to smile down at him, but it didn't carry the desired effect. It was too forced and unnatural. "Colonel, how do you feel?"

Sheppard cleared his throat. "Wiped out." That was all he could think of. How do you tell someone you are so tired and completely exhausted that you can barely blink. Too many words and no energy to relay them. He wasn't sure he remembered ever feeling so totally washed out.

"Are you in pain?"

And then Sheppard realized that the intense pain and struggle in his head was gone. It was quiet. No headache, no voices, no power struggle. Just . . . normal. Relief washed over him like a wave and he rode it like a surfer on the crest of a century. He was free from Thalan.

A nurse stepped in beside the bed and handed Beckett a cup, which he immediately fished an ice chip out of and held to Sheppard's mouth. Sheppard gratefully took it, hoping it would help clear his throat. "He's gone. Thalan's gone."

Elizabeth and Carson looked at each other briefly before she looked back down at the pilot. "So . . . you're John?"

Sheppard gave a small smile. "Yeah, finally."

Elizabeth wanted to believe the relief on the face of the man before her was real, but she couldn't trust him, not yet. Not after the events that had just played out over the last few days. "I'm sorry John, but we have to keep you in restraints for now, until we're certain."

Sheppard could feel the pull of sleep, his eyelids already starting to droop. He wanted to talk, to tell them what had happened and how hard he had fought against Thalan, but he was too exhausted. "Know . . . spected it." There was so much he needed to tell them, but he finally gave in to the encroaching darkness. He didn't see the doubtful look they exchanged as he drifted off to sleep.

oOo

Sheppard's eyes popped open and he immediately tensed up, pulling on the restraints. Their presence frightened him at first, not realizing why he couldn't move. Lifting his head from the pillow, he spotted them and the memory of where he was and why came flooding back. He had been dreaming of fighting with Thalan, but it had been a physical fight, bloody and painful, and he had been losing. Lying back against the pillows, he forced his arms to relax down by his sides as he took a deep breath.

"Colonel?"

He jumped at the sudden sound, jerking his head to look at the presence in the chair beside his bed.

"Jeez, McKay, you scared the crap out of me." He lay his head back and closed his eyes for a second, taking another deep breath to calm himself. He had already started the running commentary in his head about not pulling against the restraints and how it would take time to gain everyone's trust.

McKay looked down, uncertainty in his face. "Sorry, didn't mean to startle you."

Sheppard narrowed his eyes slightly as he looked at the slumping form in the chair. "That's it? You aren't going to insult me or make some sarcastic jab or, at the very least, run on about some topic I could care less about? Who are you and what have you done with Rodney?"

McKay's eyes flickered back up at him and the light he had expected was not there. The humor he had intended had floundered where it sat and been dumped unceremoniously on the floor. His earlier elation at being free from Thalan was starting to flounder as well.

"It was a joke, McKay. You know – ha, ha."

Silence.

"O-kay, so it was a bad joke."

McKay was staring at him and he was getting decidedly uncomfortable and, unfortunately, having to fight the pull of sleep again. He had been lucid more quickly, but the exhaustion was still there, relentlessly tugging at him as he fought off a yawn.

"Could you at least tell me why you tried to kill yourself in the jumper . . . right in front of me? Or are you going to tell me that was Thalan too?"

Sheppard sighed and closed his eyes. Dang. Trump card. "No, that was me," he said quietly, looking up at the ceiling. He forced himself to look at McKay. "Rodney, Thalan was planning on killing you and stealing the jumper. I had to stop him and that was all I could do. I had this brief moment of partial control and it was the only way I could keep him from killing you. I couldn't have lived with that – ever."

McKay's face had drained of color as he jaw went slack and he remembered the events of that day. Fear flowed through him, raw and painful, as he realized how close he came to dying. It made sense now, Sheppard, or rather Thalan, screaming at him to shut up, anger and hate filling his voice and expression. Sheppard had saved him, yet again, at great personal cost.

"He was . . . going to kill me?"

"I'm sorry. I screamed at him to stop over and over and he just wouldn't listen. All he cared about was getting the jumper and getting away. I know it was shocking to see, but it was the only way. I couldn't get enough control to do anything else." Sheppard sighed and looked back up at the ceiling. "I just wasn't strong enough."

"But you could have died."

"And if I hadn't done it, you would have died. I couldn't live with that Rodney. I couldn't risk that happening. I'm sorry if you don't understand or if you don't approve, but if we went back in time, I'd do it again."

"No, it's not that. I was just thinking though . . . if you had died, we would never have known why. We would have thought you just lost it and killed yourself." McKay shuddered at the thought of how close events had come to playing out just that way. He looked at Sheppard and met his eyes. He looked long and hard. "Thanks."

"So, do you think I'm me or do you think I'm still Thalan, or do you just think I'm crazy?"

McKay finally grinned. "I think you're you, at least right now. I'm just afraid he's still in there somewhere."

Sheppard sighed. This was going to be the hard part. "He isn't. He's gone for good."

"How do you know?"

"I can feel it. You just have to trust me on this." He was expecting the skeptical look he got from McKay, but it didn't make it hurt any less. He had a bad feeling that his troubles were only just beginning.

oOo

Sheppard yawned and instinctively tried to bring his hand up to his mouth. A moment of barely awake confusion was followed by the heaviness of understanding. He was still restrained. He opened his eyes and took in his surroundings, having no idea how long he'd been asleep. A few changes had taken place as he slept. The heart monitor and blood pressure cuff had been removed, which indicated his condition must be improving. Noting that his limbs felt sore and stiff, he tried to stretch, a feat very much hindered by the restraints holding his wrists and ankles. He pulled against them as far as he could without hurting, trying to work the kinks out of his cramped muscles.

"Colonel, what are you doing?"

He stopped and looked up into the nervous face of Carson Beckett. "Trying to relieve a bit of muscle cramping. How long have I been tied down, anyway? Every muscle in my body aches right now."

"You woke from the coma three days ago and, even though you've mostly slept, we've kept the restraints on as a precaution. After your escape we thought it best to be extra cautious this time. I hope you understand."

Sheppard sighed. "Well, I may understand, but that doesn't help my muscles feel any better."

Beckett nodded and tried to look sympathetic. "How do you feel other than that?"

"Not bad, actually. I'm still a bit tired, but not like I was before. I'm getting hungry, too. What are the chances of getting food?"

"Quite good, Colonel, you definitely need to eat. I'll send out for some broth and maybe a few crackers. You'll have to start slow since you haven't eaten in a while."

"Carson, do you think we could rid of the catheter? It's very uncomfortable."

"Let me send someone after your tray and I'll take care of that. I'll be back in a minute."

Sheppard watched the doctor slide out between the curtains and concentrated on telling himself to be calm and not panic. They would soon realize that he was John and that Thalan was gone for good. They would trust him again and remove the restraints. He had to believe that. In the meantime, the best thing he could do was to just be calm and wait patiently. Too bad patience wasn't exactly one of his virtues.

Beckett returned a few minutes later and closed the curtains behind him. After donning a pair of gloves he went to pull down the covers. John felt his heart rate increase.

"Doc . . . you gonna leave me tied up?"

Beckett looked slightly embarrassed. "Orders, Colonel. You remain in restraints unless it's essential to remove them."

Sheppard closed his eyes as Beckett pulled his gown back and removed the catheter. He had always assumed there wasn't much that could top the humiliation of having a catheter removed until now. Try doing it while tied down. He was willing the ground to open up and swallow him when he felt Beckett replace the gown and then the covers.

"You need to breathe, Colonel. You're going to suffocate yourself."

John let out a deep breath and opened his eyes, discovering that he had a death grip on the bedrails. He so wanted this to be over. This was so much harder than recovering from physical injuries. The physical pain wasn't really there any more, but the mental pain was eating him up inside. He wasn't sure how long he could do this.

"Are you all right, son?"

John looked up into Beckett's eyes, trying to read his expression. "I thought I was. Now . . . I'm not so sure."

It was John talking to him and it was John they were restraining right now, of that Beckett was certain. The eyes, the mannerisms, the behavior all betrayed who you were dealing with when you were paying attention. The danger came when you got comfortable and quit paying attention and that was what they were afraid of. Unfortunately that didn't make him feel any less guilty for the way they were treating a man who had become his friend over the course of the last year and a half.

"Colonel . . . John, I know this is very difficult for you. It's not that we don't trust you, it's that we don't trust our ability to recognize when Thalan returns. Rodney told me what you said about Thalan trying to kill him. We can't take a chance on him getting loose in the city. He's already proven he can be deadly."

"He's gone, Carson. I promise you he is gone for good. He was in my head, for heaven's sake, I can tell when he's here and when he's not here and he's not here!"

Sheppard didn't realize that his voice has slowly been rising in volume or that he had begun pulling violently against the restraints until Beckett pushed his hands down to his sides.

"You've got to calm down or you'll never get out of those things."

Sheppard went limp against the bed and closed his eyes in defeat. He wasn't winning this round.

"I'm sorry John, I really am." Beckett took a tray from the nurse. "Your broth is here."

Setting the tray down, Becket pushed the rolling table over Sheppard's lap and raised the head of the bed. Sheppard opened his eyes and stared at the bowl of broth and package of crackers on the table. He turned his face glumly from the table to look at the curtain around his bed. "I can't eat tied up and I'm not letting anyone feed me, so just take it away. I've lost my appetite anyway."

Beckett stood silently by his bed for several moments while Sheppard continued to ignore him. "Colonel, my orders are to keep you in restraints unless it is necessary to release you for a specific purpose. Since you cannot eat with the restraints on and it is my medical opinion that it is important for you to eat, I think that means we will have to remove them long enough for you to finish your soup."

Sheppard slowly turned his head back to face Beckett. "You . . . you'd do that?"

Instead of answering, Beckett reached over and unfastened one of the bindings. Sheppard quickly released the other arm and then rubbed his wrists, pulling his arms protectively up to his chest. He sat unmoving for several seconds until Beckett finally tapped him on the shoulder.

"Colonel, are you all right? You really do need to eat."

John nodded his head. "Yeah, these just . . . they make me . . . usually when I'm tied up it's so I can be beaten or tortured. It just makes me kind of anxious and jumpy to be held down like that."

Oh crap! Beckett hadn't considered that and he should have. He was beginning to feel like the bad guy in this whole scenario and he wasn't liking it. "Colonel, I'm going to open the curtains while you eat and go call Elizabeth. Maybe we can work something else out. I'm beginning to understand your reluctance at being restrained a little better."

Sheppard picked up his spoon and lowered it into the bowl, the spoon clinking lightly against the bowl as a tremor passed through his hand. His hand shook slightly as he raised the spoon to his lips, struggling to keep the broth from spilling. Beckett felt a cold spot form in the pit of his stomach. What were they doing? He left Sheppard and went to his office for some privacy.

"Elizabeth, this is Carson. I need to talk to you."

The radio crackled a few seconds later. "Carson, what's up?"

"I think we need to talk about what we're doing to Colonel Sheppard."

Caldwell's voice came over the radio, loud and clear. "Dr. Beckett, you should address any and all questions about Colonel Sheppard to me. This is a military matter."

Beckett sputtered for a moment. "Colonel Caldwell? I thought you were on your way back to earth."

"We came back when we received Dr. Weir's report about recent events, in case things escalated and you needed help. The protocol you were given about handling Colonel Sheppard is what I have decided is the safest way to handle the situation. I take it you have a problem with it."

"Yes, I bloody well do. Maybe you should come down here and have a look at the human element in this, because I don't think he's faring so well. There's two guards posted, Colonel Sheppard is back in control and assures me that Thalan is gone, and I don't see the need for the restraints."

There was a brief pause and Beckett prayed the man was giving his suggestion consideration. His prayers were short-lived.

"Dr. Beckett, I know you'd like to think that Thalan is gone and Colonel Sheppard is in full control now, but we can't know that for certain. He will remain in restraints unless absolutely necessary until further notice, is that clear?"

Heartless bastard. "Yes, Colonel, I understand. I do have one question for you. Have you ever been held by the enemy and tied down so they could torture you?"

After another pause, Caldwell' angry voice came over the radio. "That's completely irrelevant, Doctor and none of your business."

Beckett smiled tightly. "That's what I thought. Maybe you should try it some time. Colonel Sheppard has on several occasions while protecting this city and her people." Beckett clicked the radio off, not wanting to hear anything else the man had to say. He laid his radio on the desk and went back to Sheppard's bed. Standing a few feet away, he watched the man dip out the last of his soup, meticulously trying to get every drop. It looked more like an activity to occupy him than one born of true hunger. Beckett sighed and walked the remaining steps to the bed.

"It's okay, Doc, I heard. Thanks for trying. Can I go pee and get a shower before you lock me back up?"

"Well, I'd say those are needed activities for your recovery and you certainly can't do them in restraints. I think we can manage that. Just a second and I'll get a clean gown."

"Doc . . . could I get scrubs?"

The hope in Sheppard's eyes almost finished Beckett off. His stomach tightened as he looked at the floor. "Standing orders are for you to remain in a gown. Caldwell thinks it would make escape . . . more difficult."

"Oh. Can I at least have –"

"Gown only, Colonel."

Sheppard's face reddened, although whether it was from anger or embarrassment or some combination of the two, Beckett couldn't be sure. Right at this moment in time, he hated his job.

Sheppard took a deep breath, telling himself to suck it up and handle this. It wasn't Carson's fault and the man was obviously struggling with his orders. No need to make his life more complicated and knowing Caldwell, he'll probably do a surprise inspection to make sure his orders were being followed. Sheppard would play the game for now, but he was really beginning to tire of it.

"Okay, Doc, let's do it before he comes down here and ties me up himself. If I'm to be humiliated at every turn, I at least want to be clean." He mustered all his courage and gave Beckett a big grin.

Beckett smiled back at him, thankful for being let off the hook. "Just give me moment and we'll have you to that shower. And for being such a good patient, I'll even remove the IV."

"Now you're talking."

oOo

John felt better after the shower and even managed to relax enough to joke with Beckett, but the effort used all his energy and he was asleep almost as soon as he was back in bed. Beckett felt like his patient was doing well enough he could go back to his quarters and get a few hours sleep.

John awoke in the early hours of the morning with his heart thumping in his chest, his gown wet with sweat, and his arms pulled tight against the restraints. "No!"

"Colonel, it's okay. It's just a dream, you need to wake up now."

He opened his eyes to find one of the nurses peering down at him, her eyes wide with fear and worry. He realized where he was and fell back against the pillows, dropping his arms limply to his side. Concentrating on his breathing, he tried to slow his frantic respirations. "It's okay, I'm awake now."

The nurse proceeded to take his pulse and blood pressure and record them. "Everything's a wee bit high, Colonel. You need to try and relax."

Sheppard chuckled. "I think you've been around Dr. Beckett too long."

The nurse frowned for second until she thought back on what she'd said, then she joined him with a soft chuckle of her own. "I can't believe I just said that. You can't tell anyone, I'll never live that down."

"It'll be our secret."

"Can I get you anything?"

Sheppard nodded. "Well, now that you mention it, I could use a trip to the little boy's room."

The nurse smiled and nodded. "No problem, but I have to get the guard. I'll be right back."

Sheppard nodded. The nurse returned in a few seconds with one of the guards posted at the door. Sheppard recognized him as the kid that Thalan had knocked out with the IV pole. The soldier glared down at him, contempt written all over his face.

"Uh, I think I owe you an apology. I need you to know that it was Thalan that hit you, not me, but I'm sorry I couldn't stop him. I'm glad to see that you're okay."

The soldier just continued to glare, making Sheppard very uncomfortable. "Did the nurse tell you I need to go to the bathroom?"

He narrowed his eyes at Sheppard. "She told me, but I make it a habit not to fall for the same trick twice. You're not getting out of those restraints. The nurse can help you use the bedpan."

The nurse looked from the young soldier to Sheppard and then back to the soldier. "You're kidding, right?"

After a few seconds of silence, Sheppard replied without breaking eye contact with the young marine. "No, he's not kidding. He's getting his revenge."

"Not revenge, sir, just following safety protocol. You are not to be released from those restraints unless it's absolutely necessary. You going to the bathroom to avoid using a bedpan is not absolutely necessary. Go ahead nurse. I'll keep watch in case he tries anything."

The nurse flushed. "Uh, I don't think that's a good idea. I can handle it. You can go back to your station by the door."

The soldier smiled. "No, I think I'll play it safe and watch. Get the bedpan and help him, right now."

Sheppard had never heard a more obvious display of contempt and disrespect and he'd been around quite a few in his day. This kid was going to learn the meaning of humiliation if he ever got out of this – which he was seriously beginning to doubt.

oOo

Beckett carefully approached Sheppard's bed, watching the pilot stare at the ceiling. The nurse had been waiting for him, almost in tears as she told him the story of what the guard had made her do and that Sheppard had lain awake, staring at the ceiling the rest of the night.

"Good morning, Colonel."

"Get Caldwell down here," he demanded, his eyes never leaving the ceiling.

Beckett sighed heavily. "All right. For what it's worth, I'm sorry about what happened. I should never have left."

"Not your fault, Carson. You might want to get Elizabeth too."

Fifteen minutes later, Elizabeth and Colonel Caldwell walked into the infirmary. Elizabeth looked grim and Caldwell just looked smug as they made their way to Sheppard's bed, where Beckett stood.

"Colonel Sheppard, I understand you wanted to see me."

Sheppard finally moved his eyes down to meet Elizabeth's briefly before moving on to Caldwell.

"I have to give it to you, Colonel Caldwell, you and your bunch could give out lessons on how to humiliate prisoners to most of the bad guys I've been captured by. Consider yourself applauded. That said, I want to be moved to a cell where I can receive more humane treatment. Even our Wraith prisoners are treated better than this. I want clothes, I want to be able to pee by myself, and I want to be able to stretch a few cramps out of my muscles if that's even still possible. I also want some idea of how long you plan to keep me locked up on the off chance Thalan comes back. Is there a time schedule to this or is it just until Stargate Command decides to appoint a replacement for me? By the way, have any candidates in mind for my job, since that seems to be where we're headed with this?"

Caldwell stood with his mouth slightly agape for a few seconds while Carson and Elizabeth silently applauded.

"Are you suggesting I'm only doing this to get your job, because I resent that implication."

"I don't really give a rat's ass what you resent at this point. When being a prisoner in Afghanistan is looking better than staying in Atlantis, things have gone too far. Elizabeth, I'm asking you to file a petition with Stargate Command for me requesting that I be treated humanely and given some kind of recourse for the punishment now being inflicted. I need a way out of this and I need one now. I need to know that this isn't all that's left for me. I've got to tell you, I'm wondering if I shouldn't have aimed the knife a little deeper."

Beckett and Elizabeth both flinched and even Caldwell looked mildly embarrassed. "Dr. Weir, that won't be necessary. Maybe . . . maybe we have been a little overly aggressive with the safety precautions. Dr. Beckett, have you seen any sign of Thalan since the Colonel has regained consciousness?"

"No sir, I'm relatively certain that it's been Colonel Sheppard the whole time."

Caldwell hesitated, as if thinking. "How long would you want to keep Colonel Sheppard in the infirmary to make sure he as sufficiently recovered?"

"He's progressing well, but he's still a bit weak. I'd like to do a few more tests and observe a while longer to make sure the prolonged fever and the seizures have not caused any permanent damage. Maybe two more days."

Caldwell had to admit that he was a bit impressed by the way Sheppard had finally found a way to take control of his situation. He wouldn't have put up with treatment like that from his own people very much longer himself. "Colonel, this is what I suggest. You stay in the infirmary for two more days under Dr. Beckett's care. You will have two guards posted at all times, but we can suspend the restraints. If Dr. Beckett's opinion at that time is that you are John Sheppard and Thalan is indeed gone, you can be released to your quarters with a guard. At that point we'll discuss it and decide how long you are to remain off duty and under surveillance. I will warn you that you will not be allowed to go around the city freely or go back on active duty until I am completely convinced that Thalan is gone."

Sheppard considered the plan briefly, but had to admit that it sounded fair. "Can I have scrubs? Have you ever actually worn one of these gowns?"

Caldwell finally smiled. "Yes I have, Colonel, and yes, you can have scrubs. I guess I owe you that much. I just heard about what happened last night and even I didn't sanction such a thing. He'll be dealt with, I assure you."

"I can live with that arrangement for now."

Sheppard grinned. Yeah, in time that kid would be dealt with in the Sheppard way. John knew he wasn't out of the woods yet, but it was certainly better than what he had been dealing with the last few days. At least he would be treated like a human again. Maybe he could now think clearly enough to figure out how to gain their trust back. He felt a wave of panic threaten to raise it's ugly head. What if he never gained their trust again? What if they always looked at him with that hint of doubt? He shook his head. He couldn't think that way. He had to believe there was a way out of this, even though he couldn't see it.

The end . . . of part 7.