What's Left Behind – Chapter 11
He hurt. He ached inside and out. His head ached and his neck throbbed with pain. But he was aware of it only peripherally. Just as he was aware of the restraints on his wrists, the IV's in the back of his hand and the bodies of people that moved near and around him.
He rather liked it like this. Detached awareness. The voices just buzzing noise, like white-noise, in his ears. The faces blurred as they hovered over him. He didn't have to do anything anymore. No one could make him do anything now. Not even Thalan could touch him in this place. He was nothing more than white-noise screaming inside John's head.
OoO
Elizabeth sat at John's bedside. She was tired to the bone.
Forty-eight hours had passed since he had tried to escape from the infirmary, only to fall into a somewhat catatonic state. Carson had a specific medical term for it, but it eluded Elizabeth's memory. Not that it mattered. Bottom line, John Sheppard lay in bed, eyes open, staring at nothing.
In an ironic twist of fate, it seems as just as she was fighting to make changes that would help John, he was giving up the fight.
Getting rid of Caldwell hadn't been easy. But Elizabeth had done it. She had contacted General O'Neill who had used his considerable pull and gotten Caldwell and the Daedalus called back to Earth. Only just as she had been seeing Caldwell on his way, Beckett had called to inform her of John's set back. She could still see the satisfaction on Caldwell's face at the news. But Elizabeth had held firm, insisting that he leave and more than willing to call in muscle to enforce it. Muscle in the form of Lorne, three armed Marines and Ronon.
Caldwell hadn't been happy. Had insisted that they needed him more than ever. But Elizabeth knew better. She knew that Atlantis needed Sheppard. Only he wasn't with them any more. He was trapped inside himself and Elizabeth didn't know what to do to get him to come back out. She felt helpless, scared and alone.
"How are you doing, luv?"
She jumped at the sound of Beckett's voice at her elbow, turning to glare up at him.
He looked apologetic and patted her shoulder. "Sorry to scare you. Can I get you anything?"
"No, I'm fine." Elizabeth sighed, settled back into the chair again and locked her gaze on Sheppard's pale face. "Do you think he can hear us?"
"I think so," Carson allowed, as he pulled up a chair of his own. "Doesn't mean he's listening though. He's stubborn like that."
Elizabeth almost smiled at that. "Yes, he is," she agreed. "But it's a good kind of stubborn. Most of the time."
Carson nodded then asked, "Have you eaten?"
"Had a sandwich a little while ago," Elizabeth replied. "You know I take care of myself. I don't want you breathing down my back." Her tone was gentle and teasing.
"Wish the Colonel would be so considerate," Carson countered. "Although, to be fair, he does take fairly good care of himself."
Elizabeth knew that to be true. "He likes to be one hundred percent so that he can take care of his people."
Carson got up to check on the IV's, then returned to his seat. "That he does," he confirmed. "He does a good job."
"We haven't done as good a job taking care of him though," Elizabeth whispered. "We messed this up, Carson."
"I know." He looked defeated as he scrubbed a hand over his face. "I don't think it's very easy for the Colonel to trust people. But once he believes in you, it's complete trust. We didn't return the favor this time. Which we can't take all the blame for, all things considered."
Elizabeth knew he was saying that for her benefit. "I know we couldn't sure about Thalan being gone, not after he was able to trick us. But before his...breakdown, if you will. John told me that actions speak louder than words, and he's right. We were telling him we trusted him, but we didn't show it. Not by keeping him a prisoner. Which was what he had become. The things we did to him..." She broke off and shook her head, horrified to even think about it now.
Carson reached out and patted her arm. "Caldwell is to blame for much of it. He didn't want to believe in Sheppard."
"No, it's my fault," Elizabeth insisted. She rose to her feet and moved closer to the bed, reaching out to let one fingertip brush over the back of John's hand. The one without IV's stuck into it. "I had the last word, the final say, on everything. I was so afraid to be wrong again. Afraid that if I was wrong, we'd lose John. But that's exactly what's happened. We've lost him."
"He's not lost yet," Carson countered firmly. "He's still here and we'll find a way to get through to him."
Elizabeth wanted to believe that, but she had her doubts as she stared at the emptiness in John's eyes. It was like someone had turned out the lights. "What can we do?" she asked.
Carson moved to her side. "Just believe in him and let him know you're thinking about him and that you want him back where he belongs. Just talk to him. When he's ready, he'll listen."
"I hope you're right." Elizabeth managed a wobbly smile, then she focused on John. "I need you back with us, John," she said softly. "I can't do this alone. So please...come back." She was holding his hand as she spoke and Elizabeth felt certain that John's fingers twitched in hers. She looked down but his hand remained still. Regardless, she decided to take it as a sign of hope. "I'll be back," Elizabeth promised. "You rest and get better." With that she patted his hand, then she turned and walked away, blinking hard against the sting of tears.
OoO
John felt scared. He knew that Elizabeth was worried about him. He knew it even though he didn't want to know.
The dreams were coming back. Not as bright and sharp and vivid as before, but they were creeping into his awareness, making the shadows fade away. John liked it in the shadows. He wanted to stay here where nothing could really touch him anymore. Only Thalan was starting to scream at him again. A part of him knew it wasn't real, but another part of him was afraid he was slipping away from reality and that soon he would be nothing more than broken fragments of himself. Fragments that were slipping away until there wouldn't be enough of him left to put back together.
John willed the shadows to come back to hide him. And slowly they drifted around him, keeping him safe once more.
OoO
Rodney sat next to Sheppard's bedside. He came to visit every night, before going to bed. Five days had passed with no reaction from Sheppard. He just lay there, eyes open, staring at nothing. It creeped Rodney out.
"What are you thinking?" he asked, his voice pitched to a whisper. He felt silly talking to Sheppard when the man wouldn't respond to him. "Where are you?" Rodney really wondered about that. Wondered if Sheppard had lost his mind or if he was just playing possum. He wouldn't put it past the man to do that just to piss people off. Only, deep down, Rodney knew this wasn't a game to any of them. Sheppard was slipping away from them. Slipping away fast.
"Lorne is in charge of the Military," Rodney stated. "You know that, right? Cause you need to know that. Caldwell has left the building and Lorne is in charge. It's kinda scary." Rodney leaned forward, his eyes locked on Sheppard's face. He had been telling him the same thing every night, hoping it would sink in that Caldwell was gone. But nothing. No reaction. Not even a blink. Which was creepy in itself.
"Mind you, it could be worse. Lorne isn't that bad, not really." Rodney grimaced and stopped talking. This was a waste of time. "Look, Sheppard...you need to get back here and take charge of things. Either that or just die already or something, because this limbo thing isn't doing anyone any favors!" Anger rose in Rodney as he spoke, and he jumped to his feet to get in Sheppard's personal space. "I never thought you'd give up!" he spat. "I never pegged you for a quitter! What the hell is up with that, hah? Why are you giving up!" Rodney found himself gripping Sheppard's shoulders, ready to shake him, when a hand was on his arm, pulling him away.
Rodney turned to see Beckett fuming. "Sorry, sorry!" He raised his hands in apology. "I didn't...I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry." He really was.
Carson took him by the arm again, steering him away from Sheppard's bed. "I know you're angry about things, Rodney. We all are. But what happened isn't Sheppard's fault."
"I know." Rodney did know that. "It's our fault. We messed up. I get that." He pulled away from Beckett and walked out of the infirmary. He had work to do.
OoO
Carson watched everyone who came to visit Sheppard. It was mostly the same bunch. Rodney, Zelenka, Lorne, Weir and Teyla. Teyla would visit the most and sit with Sheppard, reading to him or telling him stories. Ronon never visited, but he would come and watch from the background.
Until tonight. One week into Sheppard's catatonic state and suddenly the Satedan was by his bed, staring at him. He looked angry and Carson wondered if he should let his presence be known, or maybe ask him to leave. But to his surprise all the big guy did was lean in and say,
"I trust you, Sheppard. Start trusting yourself." A clap of a big hand on Sheppard's shoulder, then Ronon turned and walked out.
Carson scurried over to Sheppard's bed just in time to see the Colonel's eyes close. He froze in disbelief. But they stayed closed and relief washed over Carson. This had to be a good sign. It just had to be.
OoO
John hadn't like the shadows for a while now. They weren't safe anymore. They didn't keep the voices out and the faces of the people who hovered over him were no longer blurred. But he was scared. He wasn't ready to leave this place. He wasn't ready to face what was out there.
He was so alone. And that's when it hit him. Alone. He was alone. Thalan was gone. The voice that had been screaming in his head was silent now. He closed his eyes, willing the shadows to fade away, hiding in the darkness for a moment. And when he opened his eyes again, he saw Beckett's smiling face.
THE END...of part 11