What's Left Behind – Chapter 12

"Welcome back, son. I'm glad to see you've rejoined us." Beckett continued to smile, the look of relief on his face making him seem almost giddy.

John just looked at Beckett, not especially wanting to be there. He had tired of hiding in the shadows and yet he hadn't really wanted to return to the real world either. He attempted to lift one of his hands only to discover the restraints. He pulled both arms up so he could see that he was firmly chained to the bed. A small, bitter laugh escaped his lips.

"I've come full circle – all the way back to the beginning. How many guards this time?" He waved his hand as much as the restraint would allow. "Never mind, I don't really care. You just do what you have to do."

"Colonel, this was for your own protection."

"Yeah, whatever. So I guess if I promise to stay here, you wouldn't believe me and remove them would you?"

Beckett looked at him for a second and remembered how the whole downhill spiral had started with a lack of trust. "If you promise not to leave the infirmary or try to harm yourself, then I'll take them off."

"I'm not going anywhere. I don't think I could if I wanted to. And I'm not going to hurt myself. I only did it before because it was the only thing I could do to save Rodney."

Beckett nodded. "Well, then, I'll take you at your word." Beckett released one restraint and then the other.

Sheppard silently watched him, wide-eyed and with his mouth slightly agape. "You took them off? Why?"

Beckett sighed and bowed his head for a second before lifting it to look at Sheppard. "You said you wouldn't try to leave or to hurt yourself. I believe you."

Sheppard snorted. "No one trusts me any more, so don't even try that. I don't really think they ever will again. They'll always wonder if it's me or Thalan. Sometimes I'm not sure I trust me."

"That's not true, Colonel. We trust you, we just didn't do a good job or showing it. Instead of defending you and doing what it took to get your freedom, we just bowed down to Caldwell's rules. We let you down, son, and for that I am very sorry. But Elizabeth has had Caldwell sent away, so things will be different now."

Sheppard just looked at Beckett, wanting to believe the man and yet unable to make himself do it. They were nice words, but that's all they were to him, nice words. He didn't know what to say, so he said nothing and chose instead to look away from the concerned face that almost begged for forgiveness. He felt a strange sense of apathetic calmness. He wasn't angry any more, he just didn't feel anything, didn't really care about anything.

"Well, anyway, do you think you could eat something? You've lost several pounds in the last couple of weeks and we need to start getting some weight back on you."

The mention of food made John's stomach recoil and he felt suddenly nauseous. "No, not right now. Maybe later."

Beckett recognized the look. "Okay, we'll try later. Maybe you just need some time for your body to adjust to being . . . awake again." Getting no response, Beckett just patted John on the shoulder and left.

John turned over to lie on his side and curled up, wanting to shut the world out. Vaguely aware of the IV and catheter, he was careful not to dislodge them. He closed his eyes and tried to relax. He just wanted it all to go away for a while and after several minutes, he got his wish.

oOo

As Elizabeth entered the conference room, she automatically did a head count. Teyla, Ronon, Rodney, Lorne, Beckett, and Heightmeyer. Everyone was here. As soon as she took her seat, she turned to Beckett.

"Okay, Carson, why don't you start us off. How's John?"

"He's come out of the catatonic state and he's responding to his surroundings again, but he's not happy. He's extremely weak from both the last week and from events before that. He apparently hasn't been eating much for some time or been throwing it up when he did. Severe depression can disrupt your eating habits as well as your digestive system. He's slightly anemic and malnourished and he was dehydrated when we first brought him in, although that has resolved itself. I should tell you that I took him out of the restraints. He's extremely depressed and feels like no one trusts him any more. I think it's time we started showing him some."

"Carson's right," said Kate. "It will be very important that everyone shows their trust in him, but at the same time, we'll have to keep an eye on him. He's very vulnerable right now. He's very deep in a state of clinical depression and it's not going to resolve itself overnight. Our support will be crucial to helping him out of this."

"It's the least we can do since we helped put him there," said Rodney, looking down at the table."

"What do we need to do?" asked Teyla.

Kate leaned forward, her arms on the table. "Talk to him and encourage him to talk, but don't push. Maybe you could remind him of missions or events where you depended on him and he came through for you. Build on the trust you have developed in him over the past two years. Be very careful not to patronize him because he will recognize it and it'll just make him angry. We've got to build his confidence in himself as well as his trust in us as we try to convince him that we trust him."

"I don't understand why this is happening," said Rodney. "We've been through so much and he's always brushed things off and moved forward. Why now?"

Kate sighed. "I don't know that anyone will ever be able to answer that with certainty. I can tell you what I think. First of all he's had someone else in his head for a while. Rodney and Elizabeth, you both had a much shorter experience with that and you know how frustrating that can be. And he's been forced to hurt and almost kill people very close to him. I know it's important to Colonel Sheppard to maintain control, and he had absolutely no control over this, no matter how hard he tried. Second, the illness he suffered because of Thalan may be at the root of part of this. According to Carson, he ran a very high fever for an unusual amount of time and had several seizures. Either or both of these could have caused a multitude of problems. But I think those pale in comparison to the third problem."

Kate paused and looked around the room, making sure they were all listening. It was important they understand what was happening in order to be able to help Sheppard. "I think the most important thing is that we took away who he was."

"What do you mean?" asked Teyla.

"Think about it for just a minute. What does Colonel Sheppard do? What is most important to him?"

"Protecting us and Atlantis," said Elizabeth almost immediately.

"Yes," agreed Teyla. "Colonel Sheppard will do anything, including sacrificing his own life to protect the city and her people."

"That' right," nodded Kate. "He's been protecting people most of his adult life and, even though I don't know him very well, I can tell he's very passionate about it. It's more than his job, it's who he is. How much stress would it be if he couldn't protect Atlantis and was faced with the prospect of never being able to do it again? He was not only physically restrained and prevented from even protecting himself, but we showed him with every action we took that we did not trust him. And we didn't even give him a light at the end of the tunnel, no time frame for when it would be over. He finally gave up and quit trusting in himself. In his eyes, his life and his purpose in being were over. It's hard to blame him for falling into depression – who wouldn't under those circumstances."

They sat in silence around the table for several minutes, the events of the past few weeks replaying in their minds as they began to understand why Sheppard had fallen so far. It was almost funny how each and every mistake made in handling the situation became painfully clear to all now.

"When can we come see him?" asked Rodney.

Carson and Kate looked at one another and she nodded to him. "You can come tomorrow, but only one or two at a time and you can't stay long. I need to get him eating again and he still needs a lot of rest. He's not going to like it, but we're thinking about putting him on an anti-depressant for a while until we get him back to where he needs to be. We may have to make some adjustments at first until we figure out what works best for Colonel Sheppard."

Elizabeth sighed. She knew he would hate that and fight it tooth and nail. "Is that really necessary? Maybe we could try talking to him first."

Kate shook her head. "I'm afraid this is too far gone for that. We're not talking about a mild case of depression, Elizabeth. This is about as severe a case as I've ever seen. We need to make progress quickly or . . . if he gets any worse he could be a danger to himself."

Ronon shook his head. "No way. Sheppard would never try to kill himself. What he did in the jumper was purely to protect Dr. McKay."

"I agree with Ronon. Colonel Sheppard would never harm himself," added Teyla, her voice confident.

"I tend to agree with you except for two things," explained Kate. "First, people who suffer from depression often begin seeing the world and those around them in a totally different way than before and they sometimes do things totally out of character. They give up hope in the worse cases. The other thing is that he may not do things consciously to hurt himself. The eating is an example. He apparently ate almost nothing he didn't throw back up for several days and he told no one. He hid it. That's one reason he's so weak right now. We have to turn things around soon if we're going to help him."

Elizabeth looked over to Lorne. "Major Lorne, you're to remain in charge of the military presence in Atlantis until further notice. It looks like it may be a while before Colonel Sheppard is fit for duty."

Lorne nodded. "That's okay, Ma'am. You guys just concentrate on helping the Colonel get better and I'll keep his spot warm for him."

Elizabeth smiled, grateful for Sheppard's second in command. "Thank you, Major. I'm sure the Colonel will appreciate it." She looked around the table. "Is there anything else?"

Beckett raised his index finger. "Make sure you are in the right frame of mind when you come visit. Don't come down there if you are tired or angry or in a bad mood. We need to keep everything positive if we can, at least for a while."

Everyone nodded that they understood. "Okay, we're done here."

oOo

Beckett sat down in the chair beside Sheppard's bed and faced him as he lay on his side, staring straight ahead. Sheppard in no way acknowledged his presence.

"Colonel? I came to see if you feel like trying to eat yet?" Sheppard didn't say anything, continuing to stare ahead. Beckett sighed, wishing there was some way to reach inside the shell of a man and draw him back out. "Colonel, if you don't eat something soon, I really will be forced to use a feeding tube. I'm not threatening you, I'm just trying to look out after your health. You can't go on like this. Please, just try for me."

John didn't really want to eat, but the thought didn't make him sick as it had earlier. He didn't want anything to do with a feeding tube, he was sure of that. "I'll try." He knew he should be more concerned about the look of relief that flowed across the face of the doctor, but he just didn't seem to care.

"I'll be back in a few minutes," exclaimed Carson.

Sheppard lay there until Beckett returned a few minutes later. When he saw Beckett set the mug on the tray table, he turned over on his back, forgetting to be careful until he felt the tug of the tubes that were attached to him. They were starting to get annoying and he considered asking for their removal. Beckett raised the head of the bed to a sitting position and rolled the table in front of him. A spoon sat in a mug of watery looking broth.

"I know it's not much, but the way your stomach has been lately and considering you haven't had anything to eat in a week, I thought we'd better start light."

Sheppard nodded, placing one hand against the side of the mug, its warmth seeping into his skin. It felt surprisingly good. "It's okay, I'm not very hungry." He was surprised when the smell didn't make him nauseous. He could feel the doctor's eyes on him as he dipped the spoon into the broth and lifted it to his mouth as he bent over the mug. It didn't taste like much and for that he was grateful. The warmth actually felt comforting as it slid down inside him. He took another sip and then another. He thought if Beckett smiled any bigger, his face would probably split. Talk about being easily entertained.

John continued to dip out spoonful after spoonful until the mug was empty. He set the spoon down inside the cup and leaned back against the pillows, his stomach feeling full and warm.

Beckett sighed so loudly that John wondered if he'd been holding his breath all that time. Beckett moved the tray table out of the way and sat down in the chair.

"That's very good, Colonel. You're off to a good start. I'll start you out on several small, light meals each day at first and work our way to a more normal schedule as you progress."

"Okay." John really didn't care, but he tried to pay attention anyway in case the doctor said something important.

"Kate will be by tomorrow to talk to you and probably on a daily basis after that. I know how you feel about talking to her, but I'm afraid it's necessary. Colonel, you're suffering from depression and we're going to do everything we can to help you. I'm afraid much of this is our fault and we'd like the chance to correct it. We'll try not to push, to let you work through things at your own pace. If we seem impatient, it's just because we care for you and we desperately want to help."

John watched Carson's expression and mannerisms carefully, his body language giving him away. "What aren't you telling me?"

Embarrassed, Carson looked at the floor. "Once we have you back on food, we want to start you on an anti-depressant."

"No, you aren't drugging me."

"Colonel, don't think of it like that. You're level of depression is pretty severe for you to be in a catatonic state for a week and even you can't deny that. There are several medicines that have proven very beneficial, especially when used in conjunction with therapy. We only want to get you back on your feet. You can beat this, but you have to trust us and work with us."

"I'll talk to Kate, but I don't want drugs."

Beckett just sighed. "Son, at this stage of the game, I don't think we have any choice, but we'll see. It would probably only be for a few months. Just get some rest and I'll check on you later."

oOo

Kate settled into the chair next to Sheppard's bed and flipped the top of her notepad over. She smiled at the Colonel, noting he didn't smile back. He looked . . . haggard. His face was pale, his eyes dull, and his features seemed to sag. She knew he'd done almost nothing but sleep for the last three weeks and yet he looked exhausted. His hair gave new meaning to the term "bed head" and he sported about a two-day growth of beard and he didn't care about any of it. Remembering the man who had so diligently fought against the iratus bug and against the retrovirus that threatened to turn him into one, part of her wanted to cry. What had they done to bring him to this?

"Okay, Colonel, is there anything in particular you would like to talk about?"

Sheppard eyed her from the bed where he sat. "Can't think of a thing."

Kate smiled, having expected resistance. "Okay, then I'll pick the subject. Why don't we start with what happened when Thalan was in your head. How much do you remember and how did that feel?"

Part of Sheppard really didn't want to talk about it, to revisit letting Ronon get shot or almost killing Rodney. And yet part of him craved sharing the series of events with someone. He wanted someone to know what a battle he had raged against Thalan, that he hadn't just stood idly by why all these things happened. Kate wasn't on his team. She hadn't been directly involved in any of the events so far so maybe she could offer an objective opinion. Slowly, tentatively, he found himself telling her about the first few hours of Thalan's occupation.

When he got to the part about everyone thinking Thalan was gone when he was still very much in control, he clammed up. The memory of screaming at Thalan and wondering if he would be stuck like that forever seemed too raw and fresh.

"I'm really tired now. Could we quit for the day?"

Kate noticed Sheppard had pushed back against the pillows and his eyes were slightly squinted. "Are you in pain, Colonel?"

"Head and neck ache a little. I think I tried to do too much today." His head and neck really did ache, but mostly he was tired of talking. He felt tense and anxious and he wasn't even sure why. He just wanted her to go, to be left alone.

"Okay, we'll stop for today. You did well, Colonel. I think if you'll talk to me like this in our future sessions, we can make some real progress. I'll see you tomorrow."

John shut his eyes as she left, grateful for the ensuing silence. It was short-lived, however, as Carson arrived a few minutes later. "Kate said your session went well. She also said your head and neck were bothering you."

"Yeah, but not bad. I think I just need to get some sleep."

Beckett probed and checked John's neck until he yelled at him.

"Quit! Just leave me alone!" John pushed Beckett's hands away. "I just want to be left alone, is that so hard? I don't need anything, just let me get some sleep . . . please."

After recovering from the outburst, Beckett nodded. "All right, Colonel, I'll leave you be for a while."

John thought he'd be happy when Beckett left and he was finally alone. After several minutes, though, he just felt lonely. He closed his eyes tightly and fought the sudden panic at being left alone. He hated this, hated feeling like he had no control over anything in his life, including his emotions. For a moment he wondered if they were going to be able to help him, because he was finally beginning to realize just how badly he needed help.

oOo

Teyla and Ronon approached John's bed, Teyla carrying a food tray. She set it down on the tray table beside the bed.

Sheppard looked at the tray. "What's that?"

"We told Dr. Beckett we'd bring your lunch to you. I believe they have prepared a turkey sandwich and some kind of vegetable." She rolled the table in front of Sheppard.

He had managed to keep down the broth from the first day without any problem. When they graduated to jello at the end of the second day, that had come back up. John figured it was because it was green and he hated green jello. They had slowly been giving him better food and most of the time, if he didn't eat fast and he didn't eat much, it seemed to stay down. Beckett was marginally happy. Happy he was eating and keeping things down, not happy about the amounts. He figured the turkey sandwich was an attempt to get him to eat more, but even that didn't sound appetizing. He wasn't eating because he wanted to or because he was hungry. He was eating because he didn't want a feeding tube.

"Colonel Sheppard, are you not going to eat?" He couldn't miss the look of concern on her face, even though he wanted to.

"Oh, yeah, thanks." He took a bite of the turkey sandwich, waiting on his stomach to object. When it didn't he chewed and swallowed. He kept thinking to himself to focus on eating part of the meal and keeping it down. Teyla and Ronon watched in silence as he chewed and swallowed several more bites.

"You guys are making me nervous, standing there watching me eat like that."

Teyla and Ronan glanced nervously at one another. Ronon finally cleared his throat and seemed to be gathering the courage to speak, an odd look for him.

"Sheppard, I don't think I ever told you . . . thanks for giving me a place to live and for getting rid of the tracking device so I could finally have a life again."

John put the sandwich down and swallowed. "I didn't remove the tracking device, Carson did."

"Yeah, I know, but you're the one who got him there and made me believe that you could help. When my people and my world turned out to be destroyed, you gave me a place on your team. In spite of the way I treated you at first, you believed in me. I've never had that before."

"I also owe you a debt of gratitude," added Teyla. "I and my people. You brought us here to Atlantis, you rescued me from the hive ship, and you trusted me when no one else did."

John pushed the food tray away and leaned back against the pillow. "Why are you telling me this now?"

Teyla bowed her head. "Because you trusted us and protected us when we needed you and we did not do the same for you. We are grateful to you and ashamed of ourselves. We just thought you should know that. But if you will give us another chance, we will not make that mistake again."

John reached back and rubbed his neck, the ache starting to seep back in and up into the base of his skull. He wanted so badly to feel the deep concern and trust for them that he had in the past, but it seemed to flitter just out of reach. He knew they were being truthful with him and yet he still harbored doubts that they really trusted him. They wanted to trust him, just like he wanted to trust them. He couldn't help but wonder if they would ever be a team again.

"Colonel, I think we should go," said Teyla diplomatically. "You look tired. We will come back later."

Sheppard nodded. "I am a little tired. Thank you for lunch."

They nodded and left, leaving John to wish he could go back in time and not agree to host Thalan's presence at all. Then none of this would be happening.

"Colonel?" Beckett walked in and looked down at John's food tray to see that he had eaten about two thirds of the sandwich and a couple of bites of the vegetable of the day, whatever that was. "I wish you would eat more."

"I'm doing what I can, Doc."

Beckett seemed to accept that and placed a small paper cup with a pill on the table. John stared at the cup without moving.

"I need you to take this John. It's a common anti-depressant and I think it will help with your treatment."

"No. I told you, no drugs."

"Son, you need to do this. You're making a bit of progress with Kate, but it's slow going and even you know that. You're still in there somewhere and the John Sheppard I know and have come to respect would want to get better. He wouldn't want to sit around feeling sorry for himself and wasting away, he'd take the bull by the horns, so to speak, and fight. I need you to fight this. I need you to let me help you . . . please."

And wasn't that a kick in the gut? Deep down inside, he knew he really did want to get better. He desperately wanted people to trust him again and to feel like part of the team. He wanted, no, he needed to go back to protecting and watching over his city. And it was his city. Before he lost his nerve, he picked up the cup and swallowed the pill. Beckett handed him a glass of water and he drank enough to wash it down.

"Thank you, Colonel. We're going to get you through this, I promise. Can I get you anything?"

John shook his head. "No, I'm good." He was still in shock that he'd made himself take the pill and he was already getting jittery about what it would do to him. He had no idea what to expect and cold fear suddenly gripped at his stomach. "Think I'll just lay down for a while."

Beckett helped him get settled and fussed over him until John wanted to scream. He finally patted John on the arm and took the food tray as he walked back across the infirmary. John was glad they had removed the curtains, as they were starting to make him feel claustrophobic, and yet he was missing the privacy they afforded. He closed his eyes and told himself to relax.

An hour later, he was carefully swallowing, hoping to keep the contents of his stomach in place. He was anxious and felt like his heart was beating too fast. He kept shifting, trying to find a comfortable position, but slowly so as not to make himself feel any worse that he already did.

"Colonel, are you all right?"

John jumped, not having heard Beckett come up. He was afraid to try and respond so he just looked at Beckett.

Carson understood immediately and when John sat up abruptly a few seconds later and started heaving, the doctor was there with a basin. He eased John back down in the bed, noting that he was shaking. A nurse came a few seconds later with a wet cloth and wiped John's face.

John welcomed the cool dampness against his face as he struggled to get his stomach to settle. He thought he heard Carson talking to him, but everything seemed garbled and confused until he finally slipped away into darkness.

The end . . . of part 12.