What's Left Behind – Chapter 14
John sat up and tried to untangle the covers from his legs. The blankets were completely pulled out from under the mattress and his feet stuck out the end, now beginning to get cold. He wrestled for several minutes before finally getting them straightened out and covering his feet. He pulled his pillow around in his lap and was trying to beat a little life back into it as he muttered under his breath.
"Colonel, is everything okay?" He jumped at the voice that suddenly emanated from the end of his bed.
He sighed and bowed his head at the sight of the nurse. "Jeez, you scared me to death."
The nurse smiled as she walked over the side of the bed and took his pillow. "Sorry, guess I was in quiet mode so I didn't wake anyone. I take it you can't get comfortable."
"No, can't seem to get settled tonight. I was trying to figure out if there was actually a pillow in there somewhere or if it's just an empty pillow case." He watched her try to fluff it up for him before grimacing and placing it behind him on the bed.
"There's one in there, but I think it's seen better days. I'll get you another one. Can I get you anything else?"
"Maybe some water, my mouth is kind of dry."
The nurse nodded. "Be right back." She returned a few minutes later with a fresh pillow and a glass of water. She handed the glass to Sheppard and traded the pillows.
After drinking most of the glass of water, John lay back against the new pillow. "Thanks. That's much better, like there's actually a pillow there." He looked down to see her tucking the end of the covers under the mattress.
"You've been very restless, haven't you? Would you like me to call the doctor? He could probably give you something if you're having trouble sleeping."
"No, I'm okay. Thanks, though. I think I can rest now."
Finishing with the blankets, she stood and nodded. "Okay, I'll be around. Let me know if you need anything else."
Once John was alone again, he began to think. He felt nervous and agitated and he didn't know why. He just couldn't seem to turn his brain off and relax. Part of it was guilt over lying to Beckett. This was different than little understatements he sometimes made – not telling when he had a headache, or not letting on how much something hurt. He wasn't one to whine about pain. But what he'd done today was out and out deception and the guilt was heavy on his mind.
And yet he wasn't trying to sabotage Beckett's efforts to help him. He had decided that he really wanted to get better, more than anything. He wanted to take control of his life and get back to the job of protecting Atlantis. Carson and Kate wanted to help him and he planned on taking them up on their offer, of doing whatever they thought necessary to boost him out of this depression. Everything except the drugs. And he had given that a try – twice. Puking had become such a normal part of his day that he was scared. He hated it and would do almost anything to get away from it. The drugs weren't working and he just couldn't handle it any more.
John tossed and turned and tried out every conceivable position multiple times. He just couldn't seem to let things go. Making himself lie still for a while, he finally began to doze off. He saw himself slipping up behind Rodney as he sat in the jumper, reaching around to slit his throat. He jerked awake with a yelp, frightened and shaking from the knowledge that it had come very close to happening.
"Colonel?" The nurse from earlier came quickly to his side, gently pushing him back down in the bed. He hadn't even been aware he was sitting up.
"Sorry . . . nightmare."
She fussed over the covers, trying to straighten them again. "Are you okay? Can I get you anything?"
"No, I'm okay."
"Try to get some sleep. You've hardly slept at all and it's almost morning."
"Okay, I will."
She smiled and patted his arm in that comforting way most of the medical staff seemed to use. He briefly wondered if they had classes on that. Patient Arm Patting 101. Carson probably taught a section. He almost laughed out loud, but didn't want to seem any crazier than most of Atlantis probably already thought he was, so he didn't.
He watched as she walked off and knew that he had no intention of going back to sleep. Thalan was waiting in his nightmares and he wasn't ready to face him again just yet.
oOo
John lay quietly and watched as the nurses took their early morning observations on the patients currently in the infirmary, including himself. His head was pounding and he was exhausted. Part of him really wanted to go to sleep, but he knew he was still too wound up. The anxiety was still there, making him feel jittery. He saw Carson Beckett enter the ward and talk to the nurses, looking over charts of each patient. A few minutes later, he headed toward John.
"Good morning, how do you feel?"
Carson was frowning at him, so he knew the nurse had filled him in on his sleepless night. "I've got a bit of a headache."
"Aye, I imagine. I'll get you something after we get some food into you. I heard you didn't sleep well either." Beckett couldn't miss the tired expression or sagging eyes, even if he hadn't been forewarned of Sheppard's restless night.
"Yeah, just couldn't seem to relax and get settled. I felt . . . like I was nervous or something."
"I'm sorry lad, but it may be more side effects of the medication. These are pretty common ones for the one I gave you."
Beckett looked like he felt guilty, which made John feel guilty for lying. "Uh, it's okay. It's better than throwing up," he offered, hoping to make Beckett feel better.
Beckett sighed. "I suppose. You're blood pressure is up a bit too, I suppose from the anxiety you were feeling. I'll need to keep an eye on that."
John watched as one of the nurses brought a breakfast tray and set it on the table. After raising the head of his bed, she pushed the table over in front of him. "Breakfast is served, Colonel. I hope you're hungry."
"Thanks," he said as she nodded and walked away. John looked back up at Carson, aware he was about to leave.
"Doc, what do I need to do to get out of here?"
Beckett smiled and genuinely felt it for the first time in many days. A glimmer of the old Sheppard was starting to shine through and he saw it as a ray of hope. "Lad, I'm glad you asked. Physically, you're doing rather well and gaining your strength back. If you continue to eat well and talk to Kate and the medication doesn't cause any problems, probably a day or two. I just need to monitor you for a bit and make sure we've got your meds right before I release you."
John picked up his fork and began poking the scrambled eggs. "I did some thinking last night. Actually, I did a lot of thinking last night. I want to get back to my life, to end this pity party we've been having. I need things to get back to something akin to normal."
"That's what I've been waiting to hear." Beckett gave him the patented pat on the arm and John almost lost it, choking on the bite of eggs he'd just put in his mouth.
oOo
Elizabeth paused at the door to the infirmary and glanced back down the hall. Rodney was waving at her.
"Elizabeth, hold up." Rodney hurried to catch up, panting lightly as they walked into the infirmary.
"Are you going to see how John is?" she asked.
"What else would I be doing here?"
"Well," she said matter of factly, "you could be seeking medical attention. You do have to do that with some regularity, you know."
"Hey, I haven't blown anything up or caught anything on fire in weeks. It's just no fun without the proper audience."
Elizabeth grinned. "Don't you mean accomplice?"
Rodney shrugged. "Whatever."
They stopped and watched Sheppard, sound asleep in his bed.
"Figures. I walk all the way down here and he's asleep." Rodney sighed and shook his head.
"Come on, let's at least see if we can find Carson." They walked over and stood in his office doorway, watching him work on his computer for a second.
Rodney stepped into the office. "Are you humming?"
Carson looked up from the computer, smiling and standing when he saw them. "Come in and sit for a minute. I think the Colonel's sleeping right now."
"Yeah, we saw him," said Rodney, exasperation in his voice. He plopped down in the chair next to the one Elizabeth sat down in. "That's just about all he does is sleep, except maybe for puking."
"He's tired and he has a headache. The nurses said he didn't sleep much last night and when he did, nightmares woke him up pretty quickly. But the good news is that I think we've turned a corner. He told me today he wants to do whatever it takes to get out of here and get better. I believe he'll let us help him now."
Elizabeth slid forward to the edge of her seat, hope and excitement on her face. "Do you really think he's going to get better now? I really miss the old John."
"Aye, I do. It won't be easy and it won't be fast, but I think we're finally on the right track."
oOo
John picked up the fork and stirred it through the mashed potatoes on the food tray that had just been delivered. He was just about to stick the fork in his mouth when the nurse walked up and set the cup with his pill on the table beside his tray. He stared at it a second, wishing it would just disappear. He finally looked up to see the nurse smiling at him.
"Dr. Beckett says you should take that now."
He nodded, but made no move for the pill. "I'll get it in a second."
The nurse continued to watch him, but seemed to become uncomfortable as she shifted her weight from foot to foot. "Uh, Dr. Beckett said I should watch you take it."
He frowned at her, trying not to become angry, reminding himself that she was just doing her job. He picked up the cup and dumped the pill in his mouth. As he tucked it under his tongue, he drank a sip from his glass of water. Wadding up the paper cup, he handed it to the nurse. "There."
The nurse took the trash and smiled. "See, that wasn't so bad, now was it?"
John felt a little like he was a five year old being told to take cough medicine. As soon as the nurse left, he pulled the pill out of his mouth, carefully watching the other people in the infirmary. He carefully stuck it in his mashed potatoes and was pushing it farther in with his fork when Beckett appeared.
"Colonel, how are you feeling?"
John jumped and jerked his fork, smearing potatoes across his plate. He looked panicked for a minute as he tried to see if the pill was visible and determine if Beckett had seen him. Beckett was looking at him with a frown and John felt fear clench at his stomach.
"Colonel, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, just a little jumpy I guess. Sorry." He watched Beckett's expression, feeling like a deer caught in the headlights and wondering if he looked like one.
"Did you take your meds?"
John felt a brief surge of anger, remembering that the nurse had been told to watch him take the pill. It passed quickly, though, as he thought about what he'd been doing when Beckett surprised him, to be replaced by the feeling of being a hypocrite. He suddenly felt dirty, like someone who didn't deserve to be trusted. After a few seconds, he became aware that Beckett was talking to him and felt even worse when he realized Beckett was singing his praises.
" . . . made remarkable progress today. You're change in attitude is going to make for a big improvement in how fast you get better. After you've been on the anti-depressants for a while, you should begin to feel even better. If you continue as you are, I'm thinking about releasing you to your quarters tomorrow afternoon late."
Sheppard looked down at his plate. He couldn't seem to take his eyes off the potatoes, expecting the pill to pop to the surface at any moment. "Thanks, Doc."
The silence that followed got his attention and John looked up to see Beckett studying him. "What's the matter, Colonel? This morning you were wanting out of here and now that I offer you that opportunity, you don't seem happy about it."
John took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "No, it's not that. I just feel . . . I guess maybe I'm a little nervous. I'll be okay, right?"
Beckett's face relaxed as a smile crept back into his expression. "Yes, Colonel, you'll be fine. I wouldn't release you if I thought otherwise. And it's perfectly natural for you to be a little nervous. But you can contact me or Kate at any time of the day or night. You'll continue your sessions with her and I'll drop by once or twice a day to check on you. I need to keep an eye out for possible side effects for a while."
"How long before I go back to active duty?"
"I'm afraid that will take a while. Let's not rush it."
John had expected that, but it didn't stop him from being disappointed. "What about running and sparring with Teyla?"
"Let's give it a couple of days. You can begin with walking and maybe some form practice until you get your strength back up. I'll let you know when you can move up to running and getting your butt whipped by Teyla."
John rubbed the new scar on the side of his head, the hair thin and just coming in around it. "At least she doesn't usually knock me unconscious."
John sighed as he looked toward the door. "How many guards will I have?"
"None."
John blinked and looked at Beckett blankly. "None?"
Beckett grinned. "You're free to come and go as you please, Colonel. There is no guard. You haven't had a guard since Caldwell left."
John broke out into a big, lop-sided grin. "Cool."
oOo
McKay realized he was walking down the hall alone. He turned to look behind him and discovered Sheppard straggling several yards behind him, glancing around nervously.
"Colonel, are you coming or not? What are you looking for? We're not on a treasure hunt, we're just getting you to your quarters."
"Guards."
McKay rolled his eyes. "I happen to know we told you several times, there are no guards. I knew Beckett was a quack. You obviously have brain damage and he didn't even figure it out."
Sheppard walked up to stand beside McKay. "I know you told me there were no guards, but I . . . I guess I needed to see it for myself. Do you know how long I've been under guard, a prisoner?"
"Too long," said McKay quietly. "Colonel, it's really over this time. No guards. No Caldwell. No confined to your quarters. It's time to concentrate on getting back to normal."
John nodded, hoping silently that it was still possible.
They reached Sheppard's quarters a few minutes later. John walked in and stood for a second before opening the door and peering outside. Satisfied, he walked back in and closed the door. He ignored Rodney watching him, trying to act like he didn't notice.
"You want to play a game of chess or something, maybe just sit and talk?"
"No, thanks. I think I'll just read a little and then go to bed early. I didn't sleep well the last couple of nights and I'm kind of tired."
"Why aren't you sleeping well? Is your neck still bothering you?"
"No, not really. It kind of twinges sometimes and I have to be careful about moving it too quickly, but that's not the problem. I just can't seem to relax. It's like I'm nervous about something and I can't figure out what. It's okay, it'll get better. I think I'll sleep better in here, not so many people or distractions."
McKay nodded. "Yeah, I don't know how anyone sleeps in the infirmary. Oh, I have your pills. Carson said you should take one now." He pulled a bottle out of his pocket and set it on the nightstand by the bed.
"Let me guess, you're supposed to see me take it, right?" Not waiting for an answer, John opened the bottle and shook out a pill. Walking into the bathroom, he drew some water into the cup by the sink. With his back to Rodney, he palmed the pill and drank from the glass, pouring the extra water down the drain. Turning around, he put his hand on his hip as he leaned against the doorframe.
"Okay, I took my medicine like a good boy, so you can go file your report."
McKay looked down, flustered by his assignment. "It's not like that. We're just trying to help and getting you to let us is almost impossible."
John felt a stab of guilt and wished he'd just kept his mouth shut. "I know, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just tired and cranky. How about if I take a raincheck on beating you at chess until tomorrow?"
Rodney sighed loudly. "And exactly what makes you think you'll beat me? The chess board and I will see you tomorrow." McKay paused a minute before turning around. "Are you going to be okay here, by yourself? I could stay . . . "
"I'm fine. Besides, we'd probably kill each other." John thought Rodney almost looked relieved and he had to work not to smile.
"Yeah, well, okay. See you in the morning and we can get breakfast."
The doors in Atlantis didn't make much noise when they closed, but tonight, John's door seemed to slam shut. The emptiness of the room hung like a cloud for several minutes, until John finally turned around and dropped the pill he'd been holding into the toilet. He flushed it down and went back into the main room, throwing himself across the bed. He really was tired. No sleep for two nights along with the heavy weight of guilt was beginning to take it's toll. He wasn't even aware when he drifted off, fully clothed and lying sideways across the bed.
Even through the haze of exhaustion, he dreamed. His team was on a planet, running from the Wraith, running and firing at them as they pursued them to the stargate. Suddenly, he stood up from his crouched position and looked toward Teyla as she turned to him. She was calling to him when he pulled his gun up and shot her in the head, the bead of blood appearing in the middle of her forehead just before she fell back. Not hearing any more, everything became a roaring in his ears. Ronon was running for him, yelling something as he brought his weapon around to fire at Sheppard. John shot him once in the chest and once in the head. His body jerked as it fell. He saw fear in McKay's face as he turned and tried to run, but John shot him twice in the back. He stood and looked at the carnage before him, emotionless, wondering why he had done it, why he'd just killed his team.
Laughter caught his attention. Wraith no longer followed them, but there was man standing a few feet away, laughing at him. He looked familiar, but John didn't know who it was at first.
"You aren't done, you know. There are more to kill in Atlantis."
It was Thalan, he knew that now. Turning, he walked to the gate. In his dream he didn't have to dial the DHD or worry about shields. Just thinking made the gate work for him. Stepping through the gate and into Atlantis, he walked up the stairs and into Elizabeth's office. Carson Beckett was there, talking to Elizabeth. He walked in and shot Beckett in the stomach and then the head. He turned to Elizabeth, Thalan now behind him.
"Kill her. She did this to you. You should just kill her where she stands." Thalan was still laughing and it was starting to get on John's nerves.
"John, I didn't mean to make all this happen. Please, don't shoot me." Elizabeth begged for her life and part of him wanted to listen and yet part of him just didn't care.
"Kill her," Thalan whispered in his ear.
John lifted the gun and pressed it to Elizabeth's forehead. He screamed as he pulled the trigger, blood spattering across the office wall.
He woke suddenly and violently, feeling himself falling. Grunting as he hit the floor, he sat up and looked around the darkened room, breathing so hard he was sure he was going to pass out. Nightmare. He finally came to grips with the fact that he had had a nightmare and fallen out of bed. He went to run his hand across his face and realized his face was wet. He put both hands up to his cheeks and rubbed his eyes, discovering his face was wet with tears.
John wanted to get up and go wash his face, but he couldn't find the strength. Suddenly he was cold and he didn't think it was just the night air. Reaching up, he pulled the blanket off the bed and curled up on his side on the floor, his body wrapped in the blanket, trying to stop the shaking and knowing sleep wouldn't come again for quite a while.
The end . . . of part 14.