A/N: Thanks to those of you who have stuck with the story so far. We are trying to start winding down toward the end and things will begin to look up soon (should provide some relief for those of you falling into your own bout of depression - LOL). Also, special thanks to Kat for helping us with some information about anti-depressants and for the use of the term "happy pills".

What's Left Behind – Chapter 17

He woke up gagging on something in his throat. He tried to cough and dislodge it, but it was still there, choking him. He began to pull and struggle, madly trying to get his hand up to his mouth, but it wouldn't move. As panic began to fill him, he pulled and jerked more forcefully and blinked away the sleep matting his eyes. Suddenly there were hands pushing him back and holding his arms and voices trying to soothe him. The touch was gentle and the voice was soft, so he slowed his struggles as a face came into focus.

"Colonel Sheppard, it's okay. Just try and relax, you're okay and you're safe. Just take it easy and relax."

He looked up into the smiling face of one of the nurses. He could see a second one walking away, apparently no longer needed. "What . . . " He had stopped struggling, but it took a few seconds for him to remember why he couldn't move around and why he still felt like gagging. He closed his eyes and let his head fall back to the pillow as his body went limp. Restraints and feeding tube. He remembered losing the battle and the subsequent humiliation. He didn't smell like vomit, so he assumed they had gotten him cleaned up while he slept. Oh yes, cleaned up and decked out in a fresh hospital gown and hooked up to a nice catheter to boot. He now had tubes putting things in and other ones taking things out.

"Colonel, are you all right? Can I get you anything?"

John opened his eyes and chuckled, realizing it made him sound a little mad. "Yes, as a matter of fact you can. You can remove the restraints and all the tubes you have stuck in me for starters."

He watched her face fall and he almost felt guilty for putting her on the spot. "I'm sorry, I can't do that. Would you like some water or anything?"

"I think it's safe to say that you can't get me anything I really want." He watched the nurse walk away and the tried to shift in the bed. His stomach felt unusually full and it made him uneasy. Everything was uncomfortable and he was beginning to feel wired. He knew it was useless to pull against the restraints, and yet he found himself doing just that. Shifting and pulling, he tried to lean forward, wishing there was some way of getting the feeding tube to dislodge, but nothing was moving. He finally leaned back against the pillows, exhausted.

"Giving up or just taking a break?" He looked up to see Carson watching him and wondered how long the man had been there.

John sighed. "Giving up, I guess. It seems to be the only thing I'm good at lately."

"Colonel, I hope you know I only did this to keep you alive. I can't stand by and watch you starve yourself to death."

"I know, you took an oath."

"That's why you think I'm doing this, for some bloody oath? Yes I took an oath and yes, it's important to me, but I'm doing this because you're a friend and I care about you. Are you really so hard headed that you can't see that?"

"It doesn't really matter any more, does it?" he asked softly. "Just leave me alone."

Beckett stood watching him a few more seconds, trying to think of something he could say to make the man understand, something that hadn't already been said. He couldn't think of a thing. He wanted to reach out and comfort Sheppard, to tell him that things would get better, but he knew it was too early for that. Sheppard was still too angry and too frustrated to listen.

"I'll just be in my office then. Tell one of the nurses if you need me or if you change your mind about eating."

John looked up at the bag of stuff currently connected to the feeding tube and had to work to keep from gagging again. "I think that's already been taken care of, but thanks anyway."

Beckett just turned and went to his office, his hands in his pockets as he stared at his path along the floor.

oOo

"Carson?" Elizabeth stepped into the office as he lifted his head from the folder he was staring at.

"Oh, hi Elizabeth, come in. I suppose you're here to check on the Colonel?"

Elizabeth nodded nervously. "How'd it go today?"

Carson sighed as he closed the folder and placed it on his desk. "He's upset, but then we expected that. He was very restless and agitated up through mid afternoon. He kept struggling and pulling at the restraints. I'm surprised he had the energy to fight it as much as he did. He finally dozed off about two hours ago and I'm not sure if he's still asleep or just pretending so he doesn't have to talk to anyone."

"Can I see him?"

Beckett hesitated for a few seconds. "I haven't been letting him have visitors today. I felt he just needed some time to adjust to the tube and his situation. He seems to have gotten over the gagging stage, but I don't want him getting agitated again. This is all very humiliating for him and the loss of control is a big issue right now. However, . . . maybe it's time he saw someone besides me. I don't think he likes me very much right now."

"Carson, if he doesn't realize why you're doing this now, he will eventually."

The doctor rubbed his chin. "Aye, but that doesn't make it any the more pleasant right now. Come on and we'll go check on him." He led her out to Sheppard's bed. As they got close enough they could see him, he was aware of her sharp intake of breath as she stopped moving.

Elizabeth felt almost like she'd had the wind knocked out of her. His appearance was even more frightening than the day before. He was propped up into a semi-sitting position, but with his hands locked into restraints at his side. A clear tube snaked down from a pole to be taped to the side of his face before disappearing into his right nostril. The contrast in color between his pale face and his dark hair was shocking. His face was so lined and pulled in distress that he looked many years older and very fragile. She took a deep, shuddering breath as Carson turned to check on her. He tried to give her an encouraging smile, but it didn't hold it's usual warmth.

"He's not as bad as he looks," whispered Carson.

Elizabeth just nodded, hoping he was right. Carson immediately began checking vital signs as they reached John. He didn't flinch until the doctor started checking the NG tube, and as soon as he touched it, John's eyes flew open and he pulled away.

"Huh?" he moaned, his eyes groggy with sleep. She saw his hands instinctively pull up against the restraints before he was awake enough to remember. She walked around to the other side of the bed as his eyes rolled and blinked in an effort to pull away from sleep. Beckett nodded to her to indicate that everything looked okay and then he slipped out, heading back to his office.

Elizabeth put her hands on John's arm. "Hey, how are you doing?"

He looked at her lifelessly for a few moments until she wondered if he had heard her. Finally, he licked his lips and said softly, "Been better."

She picked up the pitcher on the stand next to his bed and poured some water into a cup. As she reached out to put the cup to his lips, she said, "Water?"

He managed to get several sips down without gagging too bad or dribbling it everywhere and for that he was grateful. His mouth was incredibly dry as he found himself trying to breathe more from his mouth than his nose. He felt like he was smothering when he tried the latter, so he just avoided it. "Thanks," he whispered, his voice feeling rough and gravely. He looked up into Elizabeth's face and realized she looked almost like she was in pain. He quickly diverted his eyes down to his feet, not wanting to see or to feel. The emotional void he'd slipped into earlier was looking more and more enticing.

"John, how did it come to this? I know that has to be uncomfortable and you could fix it so easily if you'd just agree to eat. I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself, or to us. Why won't you let us help you?"

"We've been over this," he said flatly. "Just let it go, let me go. Send me back to Earth and I won't be of concern any more."

"No, that's where you're wrong. Every person on this expedition has earned a special place in my heart, most especially the people that came that first year we were here. But you, John, you more than anyone. We've survived a lot together. We haven't always agreed, but we've worked together and I've developed what I thought was a very special friendship with you as we shared a lot of excitement and heartache in a way no one else could understand. I thought I knew you, that we knew each other. But the John Sheppard that I've come to know and respect is not a quitter, he's a fighter. He wouldn't just lie around and ask to go home."

She wanted to see anger or passion or concern, anything but the emptiness that stared back at her.

"The John Sheppard you knew is gone. He's been whittled away for two years and there just isn't anything left. I've killed a lot of people, caused a whole galaxy a lot of problems, generally screwed up from day one. I've been trying to blame everyone else for this fiasco, but when you really think about it, I've been heading for this pit for a while now. This was just the last thing to push me over. I don't have anything left to give. I'm tired and I just want it to end."

Elizabeth gasped and her eyes widened. "Oh my God, you really have given up. I thought that . . . I didn't think you'd . . . " She backed away from him, her mouth moving as if she wanted to say more, but obviously couldn't find the words. She finally shook her head. "I'm sorry, John. I just . . . " she finally turned and hurried from the infirmary, trying to process the fact that he had indeed given up the fight.

oOo

Mid-morning of the next day, Ronon and Teyla walked into the infirmary. John was awake and watched them as they came in. He saw Ronon make eye contact with him a few steps into the room. The Satedan froze, shock registering on his face. Teyla also looked surprised for a moment, before gaining control of herself and neutralizing her expression. He saw Ronon say something to her and they exchanged words for a few minutes. If he hadn't been so apathetic about everything in general, he might have laughed at the discomfort of the runner. Ronon finally shook his head and backed out of the infirmary, staring at John in disbelief the whole time. Teyla finally turned back around and walked over to stand by John's bed.

"Good morning Colonel Sheppard. I have come to see how you are feeling?"

"Great. Don't have to move a muscle, not even to eat or pee. This is a lazy man's dream. Did I scare the big guy off?"

Teyla shifted uneasily. "Ronon is . . . disturbed at seeing you so. He feels it is not a proper way to treat a warrior such as yourself."

"I always knew I liked him. Tell him I said thanks for the sentiment, but not to worry about it. You guys will be okay without me."

"We will be all right until such time as you are ready to return to us."

"You're not getting the big picture here, Teyla. I'm not coming back."

Teyla frowned and he saw a flash of anger. For a moment he thought she looked like she wanted to kick someone's butt. "Who had told you this?"

John sighed. "No one told me, I'm telling you. This is the end of the line for me. I can't do this any more."

Teyla put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed firmly. "Yes, you can, John. And we will wait, not matter how long it takes. We will not let you quit."

John eased his head back onto the pillow and closed his eyes. He was getting tired of fighting the same battle over and over. He wished he could return to the shadows that had protected him from everyone earlier. He preferred nothingness to this constant fight of telling people to leave him alone. "I'm tired, Teyla"

He was tired, but mostly tired of people. He was aware of Teyla touching his fore head with hers, but refused to open his eyes or acknowledge the act.

"I will hold you in my prayers, John."

He welcomed the silence that followed.

oOo

John jerked awake, his heart thudding in his chest. He could feel a drop of sweat sliding down the side of his face, tickling as it went. He pulled reflexively; wanting to wipe it away, but still unable to move his arms. He hated the restraints, but Beckett knew if they removed them, the first thing he would do is yank the feeding tube out. He lay in the semi-darkness of the infirmary and wondered how long they would keep this up. They couldn't feed him this way forever. It was just a matter of time before they packed him up and shipped him out. He didn't want to return to Earth, but he couldn't stay in Atlantis like this, it was eating him up. He figured he'd just end up in the psych ward of some hospital, shuffling around talking to himself.

"Nightmare?"

He jumped at the sudden sound of the voice, breaking the nighttime silence. He glanced around and found Rodney standing in the corner several feet away.

"What are doing over there?"

Rodney stood still for a few more moments before moving closer to the bed and plopping down in a chair. "Just thinking. You didn't answer my question."

John wanted so badly to be able to move his arms, to wipe the sweat from his face, to rub his eyes. Funny how those simple acts became so important. He fought the urge to pull at the restraints and scream for them to let him go. "Yes, I had a nightmare!" he snapped. He suddenly felt trapped and angry and began tugging at the restraints. He just wanted to get loose and run as far away as possible.

"What about?" Rodney looked calm and detached, his quietness very un-McKay like.

John finally lay back against the bed and stopped struggling, his body tired and weary from the fight of the past three days. The anger dissolved almost as quickly as it had come and he felt lethargy seeping in to replace it. "Same one I keep having lately. The Wraith are fattening me up with a feeding tube and then they take turns feeding off me. Gee, I wonder where that idea came from?" He closed his eyes and willed for Rodney to leave.

It was quiet for several minutes and John thought Rodney had left. He opened his eyes to find Rodney was not only still there, but staring at him. "What?"

Rodney just sighed and shook his head. "I just wanted to look at someone who is obviously perfect?"

John frowned. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Rodney got up and began pacing. "I mean you must be perfect, you know, never made a mistake. You obviously can't understand or forgive the fact that we screwed up. We should have taken over and thrown Caldwell out. We should have come to bat for you sooner and we didn't. We've all told you how sorry we are and explained that we are behind you, but you don't care. I can only figure it's because you yourself have never made a mistake that hurt your friend and wished with all your might you could go back in time and fix it."

"That's not it, McKay," John said softly.

"Then what is it? Because frankly, I don't understand what's going on here. How do you do this to yourself? How do you subject yourself to this kind of torture on purpose? What is wrong with you?" He knew his voice was angry and harsh, but he was so frustrated that he didn't care.

John felt like something was sitting on his chest, crushing his chest. His breaths came is fast shallow pants. "Because I'm really screwed up, McKay."

John's voice was so soft that Rodney barely heard him. He moved over to stand next to the bed and placed his hand tentatively on Sheppard's shoulder as he said softly, "If you know that, then why won't you let us help you?"

John closed his eyes. "I don't know how."

oOo

Elizabeth stepped into the infirmary and stood in the doorway, watching John in the bed across the room. She was once again amazed at how much a shell of his former self he was. Thin and hollow and broken. She knew he had somehow shifted from blaming them to blaming himself, but she still felt incredibly guilty. She had helped destroy one of the best men she'd ever known and she had no idea how she was going to live with it. She saw Beckett approaching in her peripheral vision, but she didn't turn to him. She couldn't take her eyes off John, or what was left of him.

"Good morning, Elizabeth."

"How is he today?"

"Ah, he's barely spoken a word to anyone. He just lays there. Elizabeth, it's been four days now. I can't be feeding him like this indefinitely. If this is going to be long term, then . . . I'll need to do something more permanent."

Elizabeth could tell that Carson was uncomfortable with the thought of surgically implanting a feeding tube. "That won't be necessary. We're not helping him, and as much as I hate the thought of giving up on him, we need to do what's best for John, not for us. I'm contacting the SGC later today to let them know we need to . . . we need to send John home."

Beckett sighed as he reached out to take Elizabeth's trembling hand. "I know that was not an easy decision for you to make, lass. I hate to lose him, but you're right, he's just wasting away here. Maybe someone there can help him. At the very least, they can provide better long-term care, if that's what he ends up needing."

Elizabeth nodded. "I'm going to go tell him." She walked over to John's bed and pulled the chair up beside him. "John, I need to talk to you."

She waited on him to respond, but he just stared at the ceiling, his features slack and unmoving, except for an occasional blink of his eyes. She took a deep breath to steady herself.

"John, I've done a lot of thinking the last few days and several things have become painfully clear. Most notably is that you are not getting any better. You're wasting away physically and mentally and we don't seem to be able to help you in either respect. I'm contacting the SGC later today to tell them you are to return to Earth on the Daedalus their next visit so that maybe we can get you the help you need. I thought we could help you, that we could make you better, but I was wrong. It's time to start considering your needs instead of mine, so you'll get your wish to return to Earth."

She watched, but saw no reaction. She was beginning to think he'd slipped back into a catatonic state and wasn't even listening to her. She took another deep breath, though, and decided to finish while she had the courage.

"The other thing I've been thinking about is how poorly I've handled this situation. I made a lot of serious mistakes, many of which are what led you to the position you're in now. If you're messed up John, it's because of my poor leadership skills and I take full responsibility for that. Atlantis needs you and I've destroyed that. I don't want to hurt Atlantis or the expedition any more. That's why that report I send later today will include my resignation. I'll be accompanying you back to Earth and I'll make sure you are well taken care of."

"No!"

Elizabeth startled at the sudden, loud protest. She had been convinced she would get no response, so she was shocked at his outburst. He had turned to look at her and his face was lined with stress.

"You can't leave. Atlantis needs you. This expedition needs you."

Elizabeth shook her head. She'd thought long and hard and she had made the right decision. "No they don't. Kavanagh was right in some respects, I am a poor leader. I thought I could handle this, but I'm not. They need someone better than me."

"No, Elizabeth, there is no one better than you. You told me one time that this was the dream assignment you've waited on your whole life. Don't give it up because of me."

"John, I've made up my mind and this is the best decision. Just because I love it here doesn't mean I'm right for the job. I'm going home with you and that's final."

John was suddenly agitated, pulling on the restraints and moving around like he was trying to get out of bed. "No, you can't. It's not right, you need to stay here. Please, please don't do this."

Elizabeth stood and pushed him back. "Calm down. It's okay, John, I promise. I'll find another job. I'll be okay. My main concern is getting you better. Listen, I'll send Carson in to check on you. I've got to finish getting things ready to send in our message to the SGC later today." She turned to leave, but hadn't gone two steps when he frantically called to her.

"Don't go. If you won't resign, I'll eat."

She froze, her mind whirring. She hadn't seen that coming and it made her insides drop from a dizzying height.

"Stay in Atlantis. Promise me you will and I'll do whatever Carson and Kate want, I'll even take their pills."

She slowly turned to face him. "John, that's not why I made this decision. It's not a blackmail tool."

"I know, but I believe in you. I know I said some things earlier, that I was angry with you about what happened. But I truly believe you are the best person to run Atlantis and I don't want you to leave. Can we just try?"

Elizabeth walked over to the bed and picked up John's hand, careful of the cast. "You really will do what they say? You'll eat and take the meds and talk to Kate?"

John swallowed hard. "I give you my word. No more faking the pills or hiding things."

Elizabeth leaned over and hugged him, but it was awkward with his arms in restraints. She stood back up and looked down at him, wiping the tears from her face. "If I take those off, do you promise not to get up or pull any tubes out?"

"I promise," he whispered hoarsely. When she removed the restraints, he rubbed his wrists and moved his stiff arms around before reaching out and pulling her to him. She sat on the edge of the bed as they embraced, both tearing up and full of emotion. They held onto each other tightly for several minutes before they were interrupted.

"Elizabeth, lass, what's going on?" Carson Beckett stood mesmerized by the two leaders embracing like long lost friends. He felt a moment of panic when he saw Sheppard was not in restraints, but he calmed as he noted that he didn't seem to be trying to pull anything loose.

Elizabeth lifted her head from John's shoulder enough to see Carson. "John says he's going to eat and take the pills you've prescribed."

Carson stood with his mouth open in shock for several seconds before breaking into a broad grin. "Did he now?" He wanted to ask what had happened to cause the change of heart, but quickly decided this was not the time. The only thing that mattered was that they were getting Sheppard back. "I'm thinking you'd probably like that NG tube removed, so I'll be back in a minute to do just that."

John clung tightly to Elizabeth, the desire to be left alone suddenly replaced by extreme relief at the close human contact. He was consumed by the desire to never let go, to never be that totally alone again. The thought of pulling away from Elizabeth was almost painful, and yet he knew it was coming. Until then he planned on hanging on for dear life and he kept his arms tightly wrapped around her. He could only hope he wasn't freaking her out too much.

"Colonel, I can remove the NG tube now if you like."

At Carson's offer, John finally loosened his grip on Elizabeth and pulled back. She smiled at him, a broad smile that matched the glint in her eyes. She slid off the bed, but sensing John's need for contact, she kept a firm grip on his hand.

"Don't go," he pleaded, his voice and eyes beckoning her to stay.

"I'm right here, John. I'm not going anywhere."

Beckett moved up to the head of the bed on the opposite side, a nurse beside him. After donning a pair of gloves, he turned to Sheppard. "Colonel, this may not be much more comfortable coming out that it was going in, but I think you'll like the end result much better. Are you ready?"

John tightened his grip on Elizabeth's hand and nodded.

"Okay, now just relax for me." Carson took hold of the tube where it entered John's nose and began to pull it out. John gagged once as the end of the tube tickled the back of his throat when it was being pulled free. The nurse handed John a cup of water when Beckett was finished. "Small sips, Colonel., and not too fast."

John took a few sips of water, his hand trembling slightly, and then handed the cup back to the nurse. He leaned his head back against the pillows and took a few deep breaths.

Beckett put the tube on the tray along with the gloves and gave it to the nurse. "How's that?"

"Better. Much better." John closed his eyes a few seconds, relishing the the act of swallowing without feeling like he was choking. "Never want to do that again."

"Beckett clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Me either lad. I don't know what changed your mind, but I'm grateful for it. I'll give you some time to get sorted and get you some soup after while."

John nodded. "Thanks, Doc."

Beckett grinned bigger than he remembered doing in a long time. That almost sounded like the old John Sheppard.

oOo

Beckett carried the tray with a bowl of soup over to Sheppard's bed and set it on the table. Elizabeth backed away from the bed and sat down in the chair as Beckett scooted the table over Sheppard's lap so he could eat.

"I believe it's some sort of Athosian vegetable soup, but whatever it is, it smells pretty good. Don't eat too fast, give your stomach time to process it a bit."

Sheppard looked at the table and then back up at Beckett. "What, no pill?"

Beckett sighed and rubbed the side of his face a few times. "Uh, Colonel, you aren't due for a dose til this evening."

Sheppard frowned. "I don't understand, what do you mean due for a dose?"

Elizabeth tilted her head a little to one side, obviously just as confused as Sheppard was.

Beckett hesitated for a few moments. "I, uh, have a confession to make. I started you on the anti-depressant medication through the feeding tube. You've been on it for the last three days, this afternoon being the fourth. You really need it to be in your system for about a week before it builds up enough to make a difference in the way you feel and sometimes it takes longer. I wanted to get started as soon as possible and the NG tube made a perfect delivery system."

Sheppard sat there, stunned, for several seconds. "Looks like I'm not the only one hiding stuff in my food." He realized it would be unfair to be angry at Beckett after what he'd done with the pills he was supposed to be taking. "No hard feelings, Doc. We both just did what we felt we had to do."

Beckett was immensely relieved. He had been afraid when he confessed what he'd been doing, Sheppard would clam up again. He felt there was one more thing he needed to address before any more time passed. "Colonel, I need to talk to you about one more thing. I'm very happy to see you cooperating and you seem as if your outlook has improved. Within the next few days, the medication should start to make you feel better as well. But I don't want you to get the idea that this will suddenly be easy. You still have a long way to go and there are going to be times when you are frustrated and upset and feel like giving up again. Just promise me that you'll remember this conversation and hand in there, ride it out, talk to one of us and let us help you. I know you aren't one to ask for help, but you are going to have to break that habit and start trusting us to do just that."

Sheppard looked down as he swirled his spoon in his soup. "I know it won't be easy. Part of me still wants to curl up in a ball and tell everyone to just get out and leave me alone. But Elizabeth helped me put things in perspective I think. I can only promise you that I'll try."

"That's all we can ask."

Sheppard looked up from his soup. "Doc, what are the chances of losing the . . . " He glanced at Elizabeth and then back to Beckett. " . . . the you –know-what and taking a shower?"

Beckett smiled. "Oh, I think we can take care of the first request after while. I don't think you realize how weak you are, Colonel. The shower will have to wait a day or two until you can stand that long."

Sheppard nodded. 'Okay, I can live with that." Beckett left and Elizabeth just smiled at him as he ate his soup. After a few bites, he turned to her. "You just gonna watch me eat?"

Elizabeth crossed her arms and leaned back in the chair. "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. I waited for a long time for this and I'm watching every bite you take."

John grinned as he brought up another spoonful of soup and slurped loudly. "There you go, I'll even provide sound effects." As the sound of their laughter carried across the infirmary, they didn't notice Carson and one of the nurses giving each other a high five.

oOo

It was two more days before Beckett gave in on the shower. John didn't balk too much because he knew he wasn't strong enough to stand that long unaided and he didn't relish the idea of having to be rescued from the floor of the shower. He spent those two days having lots of talks with Kate and riding a roller coaster of emotions that oscillated between complete despair and moderately optimistic hope. His sleep patterns were totally wonky and his mood swings had everyone a little crazy. But he kept his word. He ate the meals that were brought to him, although sometimes he didn't finish every bite. And he took the pills Beckett gave him without arguing, even going so far as to flash Beckett an empty mouth to show he wasn't stashing them this time. Beckett assured him if he would just hang on a few days, the medication would kick in and things would get better.

When he finally was allowed to shower, his bright outlook took a bit of a beating. He was fine until the got out of the hot spray and began to dry off. It was then that he saw for the first time how truly emaciated he had become. He ran his hands along the protruding ribs and was shocked to see how much his hip bones stood out. He had seen his actions as a form of control and he was just now beginning to see what everyone else had seen all along. No wonder Elizabeth had threatened to send him back to Earth. How could he have been so stupid and blind?

When Beckett met him at the bathroom door to make sure he was okay, he babbled all the way back to the bed about being sorry for forcing Carson to resort to the feeding tube. Carson was concerned about his level of distress over the matter and kept assuring him that it was all right. As soon as Beckett had him tucked into bed, he went to his office and called Kate to come talk to the pilot, afraid he would drive himself back down into the depths of his depression.

One week after having the NG tube removed, John woke up to discover he'd slept all night without having a nightmare and, for the first time in as long as he could remember, he was genuinely hungry. He found himself joking lightly with the nurses while they gave him his morning check and waited for breakfast to come.

"Good morning John," said Elizabeth as she walked up to his bed carrying a cup of coffee. "You look . . . really good this morning. You look more relaxed and rested."

"I feel pretty good, actually. I guess Beckett's happy pills are doing the trick after all."

"Happy pills?"

"Yeah, sounds better than anti-depressants."

"So you can tell a difference now?"

"I think so. I've noticed over the last day or two that things are beginning not to bother me so much. Somehow they just don't seem so bad or as serious as they did before and I'm having fewer nightmares. I'm not what you'd call happy yet, just ask the nurses stuck working when I get into a funky mood, but it seems more tolerable now. I guess I'm just happy seeing a light at the end of the tunnel now where there wasn't one before. Elizabeth . . . thanks for sticking with me as long as you did. I just . . ." John ran his hand through his hair as he struggled for the right words. "I'm sorry for putting everyone through hell. I just didn't see it. I can't explain because I'm not sure I understand it myself. I'm just beginning to see what I was doing in some kind of realistic light and I . . . I don't know how I ever got that messed up. It's almost like it was someone else."

Elizabeth put her hand gently on John's uninjured hand. "It's okay. I talked with Kate and she explained a little about depression to me. I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like, but given everything that has happened; I can certainly see why you developed it. I'm just sorry for my part in it."

"No more apologies. We're going to look forward and move on past this. I know I've got a long way to go yet, but I also know I can get there now."

Elizabeth smiled. "And that's what I've been waiting to hear you to say."

The End . . . of part 17.