Authors Notes: Just to make clear that this is not a Snape/Luna fic, just one featuring both of them as main characters.
Dedicated to Mrs. Polly Snape, my annoying, Snape-obsessed sister. Hope this one is enjoyable and inspires you to change the number of stories on your profile to more than 0, Polly...perhaps add one to the favourites too:)
Thanks to theeigthweasley for beta reading. Written December 2005. I think. :P
Polished Tea Cups
Severus Snape surveyed his class of first years through his cold black eyes. Every single one of them looked as dumb as the next. He hadn't seen the Hufflepuffs or Slytherins yet, but he doubted they would be any different. They never were.
"Silence!" he commanded, and glared at the students before him. The chattering ceased immediately.
"I am Professor Snape. You are idiotic children. When you wish to speak, raise your hand."
A few of the students exchanged looks, but all was quiet in the dungeon.
"Now I doubt any of you know what Potions is really about…"
A small freckled boy raised his hand.
"Yes…Creevey isn't it?" Snape replied curtly.
"Yes, sir, Colin Creevey. Potions is about making nasty drinks for people, so you can poison them!" Colin said enthusiastically.
"Muggle-born I see," Snape drawled. "No, Mr. Creevey, you are incorrect. Potions is the fine art of creating magical remedies, mixing ingredients for both useful and pleasurable causes-"
Colin's hand rose again.
"Creevey do you want something?"
"Well, I was just wondering, when do we get to make a potion? Professor…" Colin answered.
Snape raised his left eyebrow. They were getting thicker by the minute, he thought. The day a clever student entered his dungeon would be a day for rejoicing. Excluding mudbloods of course; he had to admit that Potter's friend Granger was clever, but he would never give her sort any attention.
"You get to 'make a potion' when I tell you to!" Snape said dangerously. "In my class you do as I say and that means-" He broke off when a red-haired girl raised her hand. "What?"
"Professor Snape, do you…" she began.
"Do I what?"
"Do you…know what time the lesson finishes?" she whispered nervously.
"Of course I do; it ends when I SAY SO, Miss Weasley!" Snape shouted.
Ginny jumped in her seat, looking utterly terrified.
Another girl raised her hand and as she did so a number of coloured bangles slid down her arm.
Snape stared at her. A long flow of dirty blonde hair trailed down her back and for some reason Severus could not possibly imagine, she had fixed daisies round her forehead, like a crown. She wore a necklace of old butterbeer corks round her neck, and two orange radishes swung from her ears. She must be the mad one, he thought. The girl they called 'Loony' Lovegood.
"Yes, Miss….Lovegood?" Snape said, eyeing her warily.
"Good-morning, Professor Snape. Have you polished your tea cups recently?" Luna replied, beaming as she often did.
Snape looked at her incredously. Polished his tea cups?
"Miss Lovegood, are you feeling ill?" he asked, narrowing his eyes.
"I'm perfectly fine, thank you, Professor. Are you feeling okay? And what about your teacups?" Luna answered solemnly.
"I'm fine! Miss Lovegood, are you taking medication?" Snape snapped, and many of the students snickered.
"No, but once I had some rather nice cough drops; they were carrot and cream flavoured."
"Miss Lovegood, this is not amusing! I will not have my students ridicule me! De-"
Before Snape could finish, a blonde Ravenclaw interrupted, "Excuse me, sir, but Loony isn't making a joke. She really is mad."
There was a murmur of agreement amongst the class, and Snape turned to Luna again.
"Miss Lovegood, are you sane?"
"I should think so!" Luna replied cheerfully. "Daddy says nobody else is as good at finding Pricklepop nests as me!"
Snape strode over to Luna's desk and looked her in the eye.
"Miss Lovegood, I do not want to hear another word from you, unless you are answering a question, with your hand raised. Do I make myself clear?"
Luna obediently raised her hand into the air. Snape looked surprised for a second, but quickly regained his composure.
"Yes, Miss Lovegood?"
"You do make yourself clear, Professor Snape. Clear as a crystal with a strawberry on top. Clear as a shiny doormat. Clear as an empty plate. Clear as the fur of a baby lamb. Clear as the dew on the morning grass. Clear as a Snorkack footprint. Clear as a-"
"ENOUGH! Ten points from Ravenclaw for disrupting the lesson! Now, who can tell me how many Thestral hairs are needed for a Hair Lengthening Potion?" Snape asked, returning to the front of the room.
Luna's hand shot into the air again. Snape looked around the room for someone else to answer his question, but there was only one hand raised.
"Do you know the answer, Miss Lovegood?" he said, sighing behind his two curtains of greasy black hair.
"Yes, you need ten hairs, but you can only take five per Thestral or you might get bitten."
Well at least the girl was reasonably intelligent, even if she was mad, Snape thought.
"Correct, five points to Ravenclaw," he barked and turned back to the blackboard. The lesson continued, though with little progress. Luna lost fifty points in total, but her brains gained them back again.
Snape did not know quite what to make of her. She was most definitely a lunatic, but he hadn't met many insane people who were smart, too. Dumbledore, perhaps, although the old fool wasn't quite as clever as everyone thought…
"For homework you can read four chapters of your Potions books. Class dismissed!"
There was a clatter as chairs were pushed back and people hurried out of the dungeon.
"Don't forget to polish your tea cups! Goodbye, Professor Snape!" Luna Lovegood said, and then she too left.
Over the next few weeks, Luna's odd behaviour continued. In fact, if possible, she was getting madder. The girl received detention, but it didn't bother her. On the contrary, she seemed pleased to spend her weekend in Snape's office, sorting through ingredients.
Although it did not bother Luna, it did bother Snape. It was driving him mad; in the end he even let her polish his tea cups! But once the tea cups were polished, she began pestering him with other questions. Was he a subscriber to The Quibbler? Did he believe in Blibbering Humdingers? And one lesson she had even asked if he thought Cornelius Fudge's bowler hat was the right colour.
In the end, Snape approached Professor Flitwick, slightly concerned over Luna's reputation as insane.
Flitwick, however, simply shrugged it off: "Really, Severus, she might be a little odd, but she isn't demented!"
"Filius, she asked me whether I had polished my tea cups, she believes there is such a thing as the Crumple-Horned Snorkack and she rides Thestrals in the middle of the night. Now if that isn't mad, what is?"
Flitwick looked a little taken a back. "Well, her father didn't say anything about-"
"He wouldn't, he's as mad as she is! He runs The Quibbler, for Merlin's sake!"
"Well I don't see how I can help, I-" Flitwick began to squeak back.
"What about her mother? Can't you talk to her?" Snape asked desperately.
"I'm afraid Mrs. Lovegood was killed when Luna was nine. Perhaps this is why-"
"Many of us have lost relatives-"
"Don't be too hard on her, Severus. The child is different, but that is not a crime," Flitwick said, and turned back to his marking.
Snape paused in the doorway for a minute, and when Flitwick looked up he swept out of the cramped office.
Snape made his way through the castle and down to the dungeons. When he came to his office, he found the door had been slightly left open. Frowning, he walked in. A small head poked out from behind the cupboard door. His cupboard. His private potions supply cupboard.
"What exactly do you think you are doing in my cupboard, Miss Lovegood?" he asked icily.
Luna smiled and stepped out from behind the cupboard door.
"Hello Professor, I was just having a look for something…I hope you don't mind."
"What could you possibly want from my private potions cupboard?"
"Well I thought you might have something like a Crumple-Horned Snorkack toenail or Heliopath dust…you don't though. It's a shame; it would have helped Daddy with his work tremendously. But guess what I did find?"
Snape stared at her. She was raving mad. "And what did you find, Miss Lovegood?" he asked dangerously.
Luna, however, just beamed at him. "I found a Silver Tongued Medalcone!" she exclaimed. "Come and see!"
Much to Snape's surprise and disgust, she grabbed his hand and pulled him into the rather large store cupboard.
"Look, there he is!" she said and pointed at a random bit of air.
Snape took away his hand, seized Luna by the shoulders and looked her in the eye. "Miss Lovegood, you may NOT go looking through my potions cupboard for body parts of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack or any other of your ridiculous make-believe creatures. You may NOT look for the creatures themselves in my cupboard, point at them, or grab my hand," he said firmly.
Luna blinked.
"I wish for you to leave my office and never come back, unless I request it of you. If you weren't so annoying then you would receive a month's worth of detention. As it is Ravenclaw shall lose fifty points. You may leave," he continued.
Luna looked at him rather woefully with her round silvery eyes. She bent down and began rummaging through her bag. She eventually brought out a jar of Thestral hairs and placed them on his desk. She then turned and walked slowly out of the room, bangles jangling merrily, although Snape doubted she was in a merry mood.
Feeling only slightly guilty, Snape picked up the jar. Had that girl dared to steal his Thestral hairs? Wasn't her hair long enough? It was past her waist! He peered into the cupboard, but his jar was still in place. He looked from his jar, to the one in his hand. Luna had given him a jar of Thestral hairs? She must have collected them herself; they were so expensive these days and after all, she did ride the creatures. He put the jar by his own in the cupboard, wishing he had listened to Flitwick.
I shouldn't have been so hard on the girl.
The next few weeks passed, and Snape ignored Luna. He pretended not to see when she raised her hand or chirped good-morning. He ignored the bunch of daisies on his desk and the regular jar of Thestral hairs. But despite all this, Snape knew that Luna was upset. He had overheard her telling Ginny Weasley that Professor Snape didn't believe in Snorkacks and she was quite sure that he hated her. Ginny had replied by saying that Snape didn't like anybody, but this thought obviously didn't comfort Luna. She had sounded quite miserable and Snape was worried. It was unusual for him to take an interest in his students, least of all a mad Ravenclaw. But he had seen the way Luna's housemates treated her, and so a few weeks after the incident in his office, Snape decided that he really needed to do something about it.
The next Potion's lesson, Luna arrived early and planted the usual jar of Thestral hairs on his desk, along with a bottle containing a wine coloured liquid.
"Good morning, Professor Snape. This is a bottle of blackcurrant and lemon flavoured wine. It's quite nice actually!" she said cheerfully.
Snape's black eyes bulged. "Nice? Miss Lovegood are you trying to tell me that you have drunk this…wine?"
"Well, yes, I've had a few glasses…" She paused. "Daddy said I mustn't have any more, though. He doesn't really think eleven-year-olds should be drinking wine, but Uncle Travis gave it to me…it's homemade," Luna replied.
Snape was silent for a minute. "Miss Lovegood, your father is quite right. Eleven-year-olds should not be drinking alcohol, least of all you. Thank you for the wine however, I am sure it will taste delicious."
Luna beamed. "I'm glad you're not ignoring me anymore. Daddy would have been rather upset if he knew that I was-" She broke off. "Aren't you going to try the wine?"
"Now? Miss Lovegood I am working!" Snape said, looking rather worried. He wasn't going to drink on the job!
"Oh yes, but only a sip or so, really it won't do any harm!" Luna replied confidently.
"I don't really think-"
Luna looked slightly crestfallen.
"Well I suppose a tiny bit…" Snape muttered, eyeing the bottle warily. He pulled out the cork and poured a small amount of the purple liquid into his empty water glass. Hesitantly, he took a sip. The sweet blackberry flavour hit him at once, but the bitter lemon interfered almost immediately. He gave Luna a satisfactory look. This homemade wine stuff was proving to be quite good-
"Uggh!" he said, coughing and spluttering. He sneezed loudly, causing Luna to take a step backwards. "Miss Lovegood is that" -- he sneezed -- "pepper in there?"
"Oh yes. It adds quite a nice tinge, doesn't it?" she answered conversationally.
"Indeed," Snape replied, corking the bottle. "Miss Lovegood, would you please be seated now; the rest of the class should arrive momentarily.
Happily, Luna skipped over to her seat. She was wearing turnips in her ears today. Odd girl. Snape yawned lazily as the class began to fill with students. Miss Weasley was looking rather edgy. He would have to keep an eye on her…
"Very well, class…today we will be making a Hair Lengthening Potion. Creevey, please do not grin; you look like the Cheshire Cat. Maybe we'll test a potion on you…."
Colin turned pale and looked down.
"The instructions can be found-" Suddenly a strange feeling ran through Snape's body. He felt like he was on fire…then suddenly so relaxed… "Found in your Transfiguration books, page seventy-four," he finished.
"Do you mean our Potions books, sir?" a Ravenclaw boy asked.
"Potions? Books?" Snape repeated, looking confused. "No, I think you'll find the trolley in my top hat…"
Nervous laughter erupted round the dungeon.
"Professor, are you okay?" Luna asked solemnly.
"Of course I'm okay. After all I did have porridge for breakfast!"
"But Professor, porridge sometimes has Snuzmudcangles in it!" Luna said anxiously.
"Come to think of it, porridge was yesterday…no, today I had a pineapple smoothie with a slice of rich fruitcake…"
Ginny stood up. "Professor have you been drinking?" she said and shot Luna meanful look.
"Ah, Miss Weasley…would you care to join me in a waltz?"
Another loud and large amount of whispering broke out amongst the students.
"It was Loony; I saw her give Snape a bottle."
"Bet it's strong alcohol…."
"Nah, she obviously did a spell…"
"A spell? She's a first-year, like us, she can't do much magic!"
"Yes, but her father's been teaching her for years…"
"Rubbish! I know alcohol when I see it!"
Snape beamed at the 'whisperers'. "Jolly day, I say old chaps! How about a Snorkack hunt?"
Luna came over to him. "Professor, you can't hunt Snorkacks!" she said fretfully.
"I know that! Girl, why in the name of Tobias Snape are you wearing turnips in your ears?"
"They're called earrings," Luna replied, sounding slightly offended.
"Earrings? Did you know Pomona Sprout wore earrings on her birthday?"
"No I didn't," Luna said politely. "Sprouts…." she murmured to herself, a smile growing on her face.
"Right, who here is a Death Eater?" Snape asked. His black eyes were turning purple, yellow stripes materializing on the pupils.
"Nobody is, Professor," Ginny answered, casting a look at the bottle on Snape's desk.
"Why, if it isn't our little ballerina again! Come on, give us a twirl and I won't tell the headmaster about your parent's plans to kill Harry Potter," Snape said, with an alarming laugh. He looked mad now. His colourful eyes glinted slightly in what looked like an evil way. They were beginning to make their way out of their sockets, bulging every second. His crooked smile showed his revolting teeth and even his large nose could be seen, as the greasy black hair which normally hung round his face was gone. Well, not completely gone, but gone into a ponytail. Snape had stolen a Gryffindor girl's frilly pink hair bobble and tied his hair up with it. The laughter echoed all around the dungeon.
"So who's for a game of tiddlywinks?"
The change was immediate. Snape's hair fell from its position, covering his sallow complexion once more. Even his eyes returned to their normal, cold, black state. He glowered at the class. "What just happened?" he snapped,looking directly at Luna as he spoke. "Miss Lovegood, would you care to explain?"
Luna smiled. "Well, it happens to us all occasionally; we have to let the madness out. It's bad to keep it all bottled up inside you anyway…"
"Occasionally?" Snape repeated quietly. Miss Lovegood let the madness out all the time, as far as he was concerned. He beckoned her over. "The rest of you kindly get started on the Hair Lengthening Potion, page seventy-four of your Potions books."
The class began to work as Luna hurried forward.
"Miss Lovegood, what was in that…wine…you gave me?" Snape asked, pushing the bottle on his desk towards Luna.
"I don't know the full ingredients. If you like I can owl Uncle Travis and ask for the recipe, though…it should be quite easy to make," Luna said, but she was looking at the label on the bottle rather than Snape.
"Miss Lovegood, by no means would I like the recipe, what I would like is the truth."
Luna bit her lip and looked at Ginny, who stood up and nervously joined Luna at the front of the class.
"Miss Weasley, you cannot have already finished," Snape remarked coldly.
"N…no, sir, but you can't really blame Luna for the wine thing. It was me who…fiddled with it," Ginny replied, looking at her feet shamefully.
"What," Snape began, glaring at both girls, "is that supposed to mean?"
"It isn't normally that strong; when I had some all I did was imitate the Blibbering Humdinger for three days running. It was very interesting actually, you know, seeing what their lifestyle is like, how they wash-"
Snape gave Luna the most un-welcome look he could manage and she broke off, but after a pause added, "You only had a sip, sir, so none of that…odd behaviour should have happened, but-"
She was interrupted by Ginny this time, who gabbled, "Professor, I'm truly sorry, but I put a spell on the wine too make it much stronger."
Snape eyed her suspiciously, "Miss Weasley, I believe that type of magic is a little too advanced for your ability, therefore I choose not to believe you."
Ginny blushed and fiddled with her wand awkwardly.
Luna looked at Snape, her round eyes full of worry. "Professor, we didn't mean any harm! Honestly we wouldn't have done it, but Ginny had already done the spell and I didn't have another bottle..." She paused and Snape thought she looked on the verge of tears. "It's just I promised Uncle Travis I'd get rid of-"
A tear or two rolled down her cheek, making Snape feel most uncomfortable. Really, the girl had no need to cry; it wasn't like she had just been expelled and what she said didn't even make any sense!
"Miss Lovegood please hasten in finishing that display of emotion; it will not help you in any way."
Luna blinked and another tear fell, but she wiped it away.
"Overall I am a bit perplexed as to what happened, but I really do not need nor want to go into any more discussions about your family members, imaginary creatures or homemade wine, Miss Lovegood. The fact is, you gave me alcohol, which you poisoned-"
"It was a spell, not poison!" Ginny said, in the fiercest voice she could manage.
Snape merely ignored her and continued dryly, "So you are both in you wrong and shall both be punished. Fifty points from each-"
"P…Professor," Luna started, "Please don't punish Ginny, it wasn't her fault."
"No, it was entirely my fault, you didn't want to give it to him and I lied to you; I got Hermione Granger to do the spell for me-"
"Excuse me sir, but I've finished my potion!"
For the first time in his life, Snape was glad Colin Creevey existed.
"Silence!" he yelled. "Creevey, bring your po- oh," Snape stopped, realizing that Colin had already handed him the vial. After inspecting it closely, he gave a satisfied smirk.
"Nice, Creevey, very nice. But we'd better test it, just to make sure…"
Snape conjured two glasses and poured half of the potion into one, the rest in the other. He handed one glass to Colin and the other to Ginny.
"Drink up now," he said softly, ignoring Luna and Ginny's horrified glances. Colin, on the other hand, had guzzled down his liquid immediately.
"I hope it doesn't grow too long; I mean I'd like it about here-" Colin gestured, "but any further would be too much…"
"Professor, if Colin wanted his hair that length then didn't you give him to much of the potion? It says in my book-"
"Be quiet! Miss Weasley, drink or I may have to write to your parents and-" He stopped and gave another satisfactory smirk. Ginny's glass had been drained.
"Good heavens! Would you look at Creevey!" one of the Gryffindor students exclaimed, and Snape quickly turned his attention to the boy.
Colin's mouse coloured hair had definitely lengthened. In fact, it had extended so much, that the boy's enthusiastic face was hidden. The hair was not growing like a normal person's, but rather growing in every direction and as long as possible, which was currently knee-length.
"Dear, oh dear, it looks like you've made a mistake!" Snape sneered and turned to look at Ginny. Her hair was also growing to an extreme length, except being longer than Colin's in the first place, it was now flooding the dungeon floor.
"Here, I've got some scissors…" a Ravenclaw girl muttered and approached Ginny with them. She attempted to hack a large amount off, but naturally, nothing happened.
"Idiots," Snape said and blinked; red really didn't suit the dungeon, and it was starting to blind him…
Infuriated, he directed his wand at Ginny's head and uttered an incantation to restore her hair back to normal. After doing the same to Colin's mousey locks, he ordered everyone to be seated.
"That is what you get when you rush things! I hope the rest of you have not been so foolish, but sadly you are due in Charms. For homework you can write an essay on the sensible art of Potions." He smirked yet again. "I can promise high grades to those who can mention Creevey's incident in their essays. Class dismissed…oh, Miss Lovegood, Miss Weasley, stay behind please."
After the rest of the students had trundled out, Luna and Ginny went over to Snape's desk.
"Miss Weasley, I am going to take thirty points from Gryffindor. Both you and Miss Granger behaved stupidly. I wish to see you both in my office tomorrow evening for detention. You may leave," Snape said firmly to Ginny. He waited whilst she slowly walked out of the dungeon, and then turned to Luna.
"Miss Lovegood, I do not wish to place you in detention-"
"Yes, because I'm so annoying," Luna replied courageously.
"And you have lost a fair few house points already; I don't think Ravenclaw deserves to suffer anymore, so…"
"So?" Luna repeated meekly.
"So I…I'm going to forbid you from wearing ridiculous jewellery in my class and I'm going to put you in charge of handing out homework, ingredients and so on for the rest of the year."
"Oh, thank you, Professor Snape! But I was wondering…if you might like me to polish your tea cups regularly for you too?" Luna replied cheerfully.
"I…" Once again, Luna had him at a loss for words. "That would be…lovely. Divine. Yes, you may polish my tea cups, Miss Lovegood."
"Oh, thank you, Professor Snape!" Luna said again and for one scary moment, Snape thought she was going to hug him.
"Indeed. You may go now," he said quickly.
Luna smiled. "Have a nice day, Professor," she said and began to skip away.
"Lu- Miss Lovegood!" Snape called, worrying himself.
She turned, "Yes?"
"Th…thank you for the Thestral hairs. Most useful."
She smiled again and left. Snape sighed with relief, and without thinking, he poured himself a glass of blackberry and lemon wine.
The next Potions lesson came along and Luna arrived early, wearing a necklace of dried pasta and sprout earrings. Her bangles were still swinging from her wrists.
"Miss Lovegood, I thought I said no more ridiculous jewellery," Snape said, raising his eyebrows.
"Yes you did, Professor, but I'm not wearing any ridiculous jewellery, am I?" Luna replied happily.
"Aren't you?"
"No! Sprouts aren't ridiculous; if they were then why would parents force their children to eat them? And you said yourself that Professor Sprout wore some on her birthday. And if you mean my necklace, then that couldn't possibly be ridiculous because Mummy used to wear one and she wasn't ridiculous! And even the Weird Sisters wear bangles, so sorry to be rude, Professor, but I really think you're making a mistake," Luna said seriously.
Snape opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again to speak, "Miss Lovegood your jewellery is ludic-"
"You aren't calling Professor Sprout, Mummy or the Weird Sisters ridiculous, are you Professor Snape?" Luna asked, wide-eyed.
"Miss Lovegood, your jewellery is…just…fine."
Luna pulled out an old sock. "In that case, I'll begin on your tea cups," she said, smiling.
Severus Snape gave a weak smile in return and leant back in his chair. A student 'employed' to polish his teacups. Whatever would be next?
The End
Authors Notes: One of my rare humour fics, so all feedback appreciated, so I know whether it was any good, and what I need to work on. :)
And don't ask where I came up with Snape having tea cups...once the bunny arrived I couldn't let it go.