Title: What a Bummer.
Disclaimer: Obviously CSI is not mine, however I would pay good money to see Grissom covered in goo. Tee hee
Summary: Response to March '06 Unbound Improv Line Challenge by Pheo. First and last line provided. Grissom + Sara + Greg+ Green Goo Hilarity
A/N: Sorry if this seems totally ridiculous, way off the mark and totally OOC. Blame it on my influenza-induced delirium… I've been in bed all weekend trying to think of a response that doesn't involve me sneezing all over Grissom, covering him in green goo of my very own.
This has also gone waaay over the stipulated 1000 words, please forgive me :)
Wrinkling his nose, Grissom eased green goo from his hair.
"Greg!" Grissom boomed at the former lab tech, making even Sara behind him quake in fear.
Greg cowered behind the lab desk for a little protection from Grissom's impending wrath as another glob of the substance slimed down his boss's face.
Sara bit her lip trying to smother the smile that was threatening to break across her face at the scene playing before her. The trace lab had just been smattered in some kind of green goo. It covered the floor, the walls, globs of it were even dropping from the ceiling like strange stalactites. If she hadn't been covered in the goo also – of which she was sure even lemons wouldn't be able to remove from her clothes – then she surmised she would have been on the floor in hysterics.
Grissom, it seemed, didn't feel the same way, she could almost feel the rage radiate off him and she was half expecting smoke to start billowing from his eardrums.
"What did you do Greg!" Grissom yelled advancing on him to investigate what he had hidden behind his back.
Giving another quick glance at Greg who looked like he was about to wet himself, Sara jumped to the rescue.
"Grissom, I'm sure this was just an accident" she said calmly, quickly making her way to stand in front of him in an effort to put a little distance between him and the quivering lab tech.
Unfortunately she didn't realise how much of the goo had spread to the floor, and felt herself slide across the slippery linoleum, and as if in slow motion, watched her feet superhumanly sweep above her head flinging her up in the air before slamming her unceremoniously onto the very hard lab floor.
The sound that Sara moaned on impact could surely have been heard halfway around the world by a deaf person, and was almost high pitched enough to shatter every reinforced window in the lab.
"Oooaaarrrgghhhnnngg" Sara cried holding her lower back, writhing in pain and fighting back tears.
Grissom instantaneously dropped to her side, Greg not far behind, his impending death momentarily forgotten.
"Sara! Are you okay?" Grissom asked in concern.
"Okay?" Sara spat back in agony. "I feel on my back you arsehole!" she screeched between moans.
"…And you!" she whipped around, ferociously grabbing Greg's shirt collar with the other hand that wasn't clasping her lower back. "When the pain stops I'm going to dig you a six foot grave, and bury you alive in this gunk!"
Grissom held back a smile in full agreement with Sara as he barked commands at Greg.
"Call an ambulance Greg!" he ordered, helping Greg extricate himself from Sara's death grip. Greg seemed relieved to be removed from the situation, as he ran away at top speed and down the hallway.
Sara moaned again, mumbling something about getting up, but Grissom stopped her gently.
"Honey," he whispered, "We don't know if you've injured your spine, so you're going to have to stay lying on your side" he soothed, stroking her hair. He moved around to her head, which proved to work quite effortlessly on the floor, the goo made for easy propulsion. Lifting her head gently he placed it on his lap in an attempt to make her more comfortable. She mumbled incoherently her thanks before another whimper was released.
"Grissom.." she moaned again. "Do you have anything for the pain?"
Grissom shook his head. Sara continued.
"But I'm sure you have something in your office.. Some kind of aged opium in one of those glass jars.. Or some magic voodoo pickled octopus to take away pain… hell, all the Day Shift reckon you inject heroin into your eyeballs to stay away as long as you do," Sara rambled on as sirens could be heard faintly in the background.
Grissom thanked his lucky stars this strange conversation would not continue as two paramedics raced down the hall following an almost psychotic Greg.
"In here!" he yelled out of breath, as they lowered the gurney in the doorway to allow Sara to be placed on. One of the paramedics bent down to inspect her injuries the other one just seemed to gape in the hallway.
Grissom looked at the man with a funny expression on his face.
"Its only goo…" Grissom offered, surmising the look on his face had to be from the swamp inside the trace lab.
The man barely nodded as his partner turned to him for the prognosis. "I couldn't feel any broken vertebrae, the bruise is too low on her back for any real damage, I'd say it's a broken coccyx. She's in a bit of pain, could you hand me a green stick of morphine inhalant Hank?"
Hank
Sara and Grissom must have reached the same conclusion at the same time, because in perfect synchronism their heads both flipped menacingly to the paramedic in the doorway.
It was Hank's turn to look like he was about to urinate on the floor. Hank tossed the green stick to the other paramedic, who was looking at the play before his eyes curiously. He gave the stick to Sara who took a good swig on it before she unleashed on Hank.
"You!" she spat, still on the ground, eyeing Hank menacingly.
In the blink of an eye she had scooped up a massive pile of the green goo, and flung in at Hank's face.
It sailed across the room, and with a marvelous squelch it impacted, sliming all through his immaculate hair, sliding down his face, and descending down his neck, smothering his uniform, and seeping inside onto his chest it would seem, as he girlishly squealed, running his hands over his chest and neck in an effort to remove the goo.
Grissom chuckled despite himself, along with the other paramedic and a grinning Sara, as he held her hand as she was hoisted onto the gurney, which was then brought up to full height and wheeled out, passing by the still squirming Hank, who trailed behind, leaving a trail of green slime in his wake.
Sara was lifted into the ambulance with Grissom and the paramedic at her side, whilst Hank was left to the driving.
Sara started giggling hysterically as the drugs began to take effect.
"You know Ghhhissom," she slurred between giggling fits. "You look very sexy with green goo in you hair."
Grissom blushed furiously at this statement, absentmindedly running his fingers through his hair assessing the damage. Alas, the goo was holding firm.
This caused Sara to laugh louder… precariously perched on the gurney, Grissom had to hold her down to stop her falling of, talking the inhalant away from her in the process.
"You've had enough of this, Miss Sara Sidle," he said jokingly as Sara whimpered, reaching for the medication that had been taken away from her like an infant reaching for a bottle.
"Griiiiiiiiiissom" she whined as she swiped with both hands for the tube.
The paramedic turned to her in a whisper. "Is your name really Sara Sidle?"
Sara nodded fervently. "And what's it to ya?" she asked jovially, playing with the goo on Grissom's pants whilst he sat rigidly, desperately thinking of cold showers and insect life cycles, repeating a mantra: unsexy thoughts…unsexy thoughts….
The paramedic began laughing, clutching his stomach with mirth as Hank grunted a warning to him from the front seat.
"You are my hero!" he gasped between breaths. "Did you really do that thing to Hank?" he whispered.
Sara looked at the paramedic for a moment before giggling hysterically with him to Grissom confusion.
"Yes!" she managed to wheeze out just as they pulled up outside the hospital, and Sara was whisked from Grissom grasp to undergo tests.
Grissom wandered in to the waiting room to sit down and wait for Sara, filling out the forms the nurse gave him, his curiosity peaked, wondering what exactly Sara did to Hank. The logical part of his brain told him he didn't want to know.
Greg bounded in shortly after Grissom had been notified that Sara had finished with her tests and she was fine - nothing was broken, the doctor had reported. So together they headed to her room to discuss Greg's new findings from the lab.
They both greeted Sara with a smile as Grissom sat next to her for a little moral support as Greg bounded up to him next to her bed, fear gone now that Grissom had calmed down, and ready for a presentation.
"Trace finished with the analysis… mostly H2O, acrylic and silicon… if only Mattel had made a huge splat pack for this goo." Greg began.
Grissom looked at him dumbfounded, Sara rolled on her side to give him a confused look of her own.
"What in god's name are you talking about Greg?" Grissom huffed.
Greg rolled his eyes. "Where were you in the 90's Griss?" Its Gak!" he exclaimed like it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Sara laughed a little. "Oh remember that stuff! Came in a splat pack - plastic container.. kids loved it" she explained to Grissom. "You could stretch it into any shape, stick it to things, and the best part is what it does in the splat pack."
Greg nodded and giggled fiendishly with glee as he whipped one out of his pocket. Grissom raised an eyebrow as the lid was cast off and his digits inserted inside.
The spectacular blurting sound of flatulation echoed off the hospital walls causing Sara and Greg to break out in hysterics.
Grissom rolled his eyes. "Okay children," he sighed. "I guessed I missed out on that fad, but the real question is, Greg…"He said a little sterner now. "What did you do Greg?"
Greg fidgeted and cast his eyes downwards as he mounted his defense.
"Well Grissom…Sir, what you have to understand was it was an unidentified substance at the time.. and there was a lot of it.. I mean it came in a vat.. and it looked like a perfect environment for bacteria and viruses to grow.. lots of moisture.. I was worried.. and I watched this TV show in which they.. and you know I've been dating a nurse…" he rambled.
"Out with it Greg!" Grissom yelled.
Greg bit his lip.. "I might have… defibrillated it…" he uttered in a bare whisper.
"You did what?" Grissom boomed.
"You defibrillated it?" Repeated Sara incredulously.
Grissom paused to pinch the bridge of his nose. "If I understand you correctly, you used.. medical paddles.. to send electric shocks through a big vat of Gak…?"
Greg shrugged. "Well at the time I didn't know it was Gak…"
"So you thought you'd zap imaginary bacteria…but instead…the charge, excited the particles, leading to the goo explosion.." Grissom theorized.
"And you broke my bum in the process!" Sara piped up on the hospital bed beside them.
"I'm so sorry Sara" Greg said earnestly moving around to the side of the bed. "This is all my fault.. I swear I'll hold that icepack on your arse as long as you need it."
"I don't think so!" Grissom cut in, snatching the icepack from Greg's nimble hands.
Wow. This is new. Sara laughed as she watch the two men fight over who anointed her wounds and iced her behind. I could get used to this.
After Grissom grabbed the icepack from Greg and placed it on Sara's derrière, much to Greg's chagrin and Sara's delight, he thought of the question he had been meaning to ask.
"By the way Sara… what exactly did you do to Hank?"
There was a moment's silence before she replied.
"Well.." Sara said seriously, before a hint of a smile spread across her lips at the memory.
"I'd just found out Hank cheated on me with that slag. So I went around to his house to confront him, to have it out once and for all. I thought his girlfriend should know.
She was home, I went in, she and I had a chat, and she told me about a conversation they'd had.
Hank had told her that he'd never dated me, but he said I had no friends and was looking down-in-the-dumps so he thought he'd do the chivalrous thing and show me around town.
He even used a quote by Honore de Balzac to convince her. 'The motto of chivalry is also the motto of wisdom; to serve all, but love only one.' He said he loved Elaine, but was only friends with me. She was just so impressed at the intellect he was showed, she believed him."
Grissom growled to himself. "That bastard!" he said in contempt. "I was reciting that quote to Catherine in relation to one of our cases in the morgue! He must have heard."
"That would be right" Sara sighed. "He isn't clever enough to come up with that all by himself. Not like you Grissom." She added as she smiled up at him in admiration.
Grissom turned away to hide a blush. He continued the conversation to mask his secret delight.
"I must say I've always preferred Alice Stone Blackwell though," he said pompously. " 'Justice is better than chivalry if we cannot have both.' "
Sara's expression broke into a fully-fledged grin as she nodded in agreement with Grissom.
"I have to agree" she smiled. "So did Elaine. So when she told me Hank had passed out in the next room after drinking too much….and her tattooist friend showed up unannounced…. we made the most of the situation."
Sara laughed hard as grins spread to both Greg and Grissom's face.
"So that is why Hank now has the phrase permanently tattooed on his arse: 'Last time I checked, chivalry was dead.' "