Chapter 1 – The News
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Reggie ended up being the one to tell him.
Alex suspected this was because Bobby and Luke spent about half an hour trying to break the news to him, only to dance around the subject with such severity Alex felt himself getting pushed towards a mild panic attack. Because something had happened, something big but they didn't want to tell him so it was probably bad. So then his mind decided to consider the bounty of options that could be so horrible they couldn't just come out and say it. Suffice it to say, this was an exercise Alex had unfortunately mastered a long time ago, so he'd been well on his way towards abandoning the conversation and curling up in the far corner of the studio when Reggie just came out with it.
And- well, it was Reggie, so there wasn't a whole lot of tact involved.
"We're dating!" the bassist yelled, shocking the hell out of Alex because he'd been focusing on Luke's incomprehensible rambles and the expression on Bobby's face that was steadily flushing darker.
As such, Alex could be safely considered bamboozled, so the look he aimed Reggie's way was very much helpless. "What?"
"We're dating," Reggie repeated, but his voice was quieter now. He started twisting his hands together in a nervous tick, like he was worried Alex might be mad about this or something.
Which just- it seemed weird. They were teenagers, and more than that, they were Luke, Reggie, and Bobby, and maybe the last of these didn't talk about the girls they wanted to get with all the time, but Luke and Reggie certainly did. It wasn't a gigantic surprise that they'd managed to find a handful that were willing to date them (because they were admittedly cool dudes, at least when they stopped trying to be what they thought other people wanted them to be and were just themselves), so Alex wasn't sure what all the dawdling had been about.
"Okay?" Alex said, taking in the way Luke and Bobby had gone all tense. "Who are the lucky ladies?"
Honestly, Alex didn't care, had never cared because he'd never related to these dumb conversations, but he knew on a distant level that he was supposed to care, that this was important to his friends, so for them, he tried to pretend.
Reggie stared at him with wide eyes. "Uh- there are no ladies."
But he had just said-
"Then who are you guys dating?" Alex asked, wondering if this was another one of their pranks. Bobby didn't generally join in on those, but there was always a first time for everything.
"Um." The other three exchanged a look, a silent communication, and Alex tried not to bristle because he was right there. He deserved to be let in on that stuff too. "I- we're dating each other?" Reggie hazarded, his pitch shifting higher at the end of the sentence.
The words refused to make sense in Alex's brain.
"You're dating each other," he repeated, wondering if he'd heard correctly.
Reggie gave a few frantic nods that were terribly endearing. Alex tried not to focus on it too much, it was just another problem he didn't need.
That and the fact that no one was elaborating.
"You're straight," Alex pointed out when the guys continued their rare and unlikely streak of silence.
Reggie shifted uneasily. "That was uh- what we thought," he admitted quietly. "But it turns out, we're bi! And we all like each other, so we decided to- you know."
"Date each other," Alex finished and- yep, no, that still wasn't working with his brain. "There's three of you."
"Yep," Reggie agreed, nodding earnestly.
Goddamn him. Goddamn him and his stupid green eyes and his cute flushed cheeks so damn much. Alex really hated how adorable Reggie was sometimes. It made him want to throw himself out a window.
"Three people can't date," Alex said, because if that was a thing, he was pretty sure people would be doing it. There'd be articles about it, 'How to make your thrupple work'. It would trend on TicTok or something, there'd be TED talks and hashtags and- and famous people would do it.
But it wasn't a thing, so none of that existed.
"Right, right," Reggie agreed with him absently, running a distracted hand through his hair. "Yeah, we thought that too, but then we thought- well, we're all good, so why should anyone get left out? Like, it's weird, but we're weird, so…" He trailed off with a spastic flap of his hand. "Are you mad?"
"Am I mad?" Alex couldn't get himself to stop echoing Reggie, but damn, was his brain not ready for any of this. "Am I mad about your- what, romantic relationship? Is it a romantic relationship?"
"Yeah," Reggie said. "We're dating."
Stop saying that, Alex wanted to growl, because if Reggie said it that meant he thought it was true, and if the others didn't argue with him, that meant they thought it was true, so for them it may as well be true and then Alex would actually have to deal with it and he really, really couldn't. Not when he'd walked in here sitting on a respectable amount of despairing longing for the three straight friends who had always been super straight and were obviously only Alex's crushes because they were nice to him and cuddled him and it wasn't fair of him to read more into that but he couldn't help it because he was so, unapologetically gay.
Like, they didn't know that because Alex hadn't told anyone and somehow no one had picked up on it, and he had been okay with that, right until this exact moment.
"Are you pranking me?" Alex asked, beginning to feel lightheaded. He should probably sit down or drink some water or something, but apparently he was having a psychotic breakdown. This seemed like something his psychotic brain would invent – like, a worst-case scenario that haunted his dreams. All that was left was for them to condemn his raging homosexuality and then beat the shit out of him before throwing him to the curb, leaving him friendless and alone.
Oh man, what if this was a nightmare?
"Why would we prank you like this?" Luke said, finally breaking his silence.
He still managed to startle Alex though, because Alex had sort of willed himself to forget Luke was there – that was what he had to do with Luke, he had to learn to selectively ignore him or he'd focus on him way too much the way he did with Reggie, the way he hadn't with Bobby so he'd tried to just fixate on the rhythm guitarist instead, and then Alex realized oh shit, that guy was also secretly amazing and actually nowhere was safe for his dumb, homosexual heart. So he'd sharpened his wit into a weapon he could wield and used sarcasm as his personal armor, trying to hide the fact that he spent most of his life being entirely terrified of feelings he'd never had any hope to control.
He tried. He did not succeed, but he tried.
"I don't know," Alex said, flinching when he felt a familiar heat build behind his eyes. Fucking damnit, now he was going to start crying – he was going to cry and none of them were going to hug him because he was weird about personal touch because he had to be weird about personal touch because if he didn't, he'd start babbling about how much he loved them just- way too much.
"Alex," Bobby said, cutting in front of him gently and blocking off the blond's vision of Luke and Reggie. His hands braced against Alex's shoulders, though he pushed for nothing more, just trying to keep him grounded before he could spiral completely. "I know this is a big change, but it felt right to us. It might seem like it came out from nowhere, but it's… it's been falling into place for years, and we just finally decided to acknowledge it."
As comforting as the words were intended, Alex was pretty sure they were what actually shattered him. Just, right in that moment. Because he'd spent so long trying to not make things weird, trying not to get closer than he should – being supportive and helping the guys when they got ready for their dates, trying to play wingman and weathering their complaining grumbles when the girls all flocked to Alex for some damn reason. He'd been doing so good, but apparently this entire time Luke, Bobby, and Reggie had been falling together and Alex just… hadn't.
Maybe that was what hurt, that Alex wasn't considered. That he hadn't been around when they had made this decision. That they seemed happy without him, that they didn't need him, but why would they need him? Alex was sarcastic and mean and weird about personal space and cried at the drop of a hat and was a dick about being comforted about it – obviously, obviously he was far more trouble than he'd ever be worth, so why would they want to date him?
And Bobby was looking at him so earnestly, leveling with Alex the way they did, the way they always did because Luke and Reggie were the chaos but he and Bobby were the level-headed planners, the ones who were always prepared, who made schedules and kept first aid kits on hand and made sure everyone had rides to where they needed to go. He and Bobby were birds of a feather and Bobby was imploring him to understand where he was coming from, knew Alex could get there because they were the logical ones and Bobby was asking for logic and reason. That shouldn't be hard for Alex to give it to him.
Well, much like Alex, he was going to have to be a little disappointed that day.
"I have to go," Alex found himself saying, white noise seeming to ring in his ears.
Bobby's expression fell. "Alex-"
"I have to-" He didn't even finish his sentence when he turned away, grabbing up his bag and marching towards the exit with an immense focus. He managed to make it outside before he started crying, but none of them followed after him, because Alex was being Alex and it was better to let him run off on his own for a bit to cool down than it was to bother him, so he could get in his car in peace and know that Bobby would take Reggie and Luke home, that he'd want to anyway, because apparently he was their boyfriend.
The first sob didn't take him by surprise, but he managed to get the car in gear anyway, managed to pull out and get onto the street even though he probably shouldn't be driving. Just- he couldn't stay there. Couldn't go back there.
So he didn't
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Alex wasn't sure how he made it home. He wasn't sure how he got to his bedroom, but no one bothered him when he threw himself down on his bed, crying out the last of his tears because he was such a wonderful drama queen. He was vaguely aware of his phone buzzing with notifications – texts and calls and messages alike – vaguely aware of his mom calling him down for dinner, but the last thing Alex felt was hungry. She might have come to check on him and he might have grumbled out a lie about eating with the guys but none of it really mattered because in the end, he got left alone.
He woke the next day feeling tired and worn out, and even if he made himself look presentable and resigned himself to getting zeros on the homework assignments he had definitely blown off, he still made his way to school.
This fog- this haze he was living in – he knew he needed to shake it by lunch time. He was painfully aware that eventually, he would have to pretend things were normal again because he loved the guys, he loved them and he wanted them to be happy, and he understood why they'd probably be happier without him. He got that, he understood it on an intellectual level, it just hurt a lot in practice.
He could muster through it, he always had in the past, but he needed these last few moments to mope. He needed to let himself hurt for a bit, because it was the last opportunity he'd have before he had to shove himself into the mindset of everything was okay. It shouldn't be hard, he'd been living like that ever since he'd figured out he was gay, now it would just be slightly more challenging.
He was in the process of wrapping his head around that when he got company at his locker, though fortunately, it wasn't one of his bandmates.
"Hey," Julie greeted, her hands curling around the straps of her backpack. "How are you holding up?"
"I'm fine," Alex lied, because he always lied when he answered that question. It was rare that his anxiety allowed him enough peace to actually be okay.
Julie was kind enough to nod along with him, watching his expression carefully. "I know it was probably a lot-"
"Wait," Alex interrupted with a shake of his head. "You know?"
"Yeah." Julie nodded. "They um- might have approached me first. They were trying to figure out how to tell you-"
"They told you before me?" Alex was being really rude but in that moment he couldn't actually bring himself to care. He hadn't realized that the wounds could dig deeper, but apparently they could and enthusiastically would.
He hadn't even been the first one they'd told. They'd told Julie first, and Julie had probably told Flynn, so of course Nick and Willie and probably Carrie fucking knew about it – all of them knew about it and Alex was the odd man out with that too.
"They just wanted some advice," Julie said carefully, eying Alex like he could go off at any moment. Which was actually fair for once, since he felt like he really might. "I told them they shouldn't have waited so long."
"How long?" Alex asked, because hey, look, it'd gotten worse.
Julie was quiet for a moment, because clearly she'd expected that to be a part of the conversation they'd had yesterday. "A couple of months," she said eventually. "They wanted to make sure-"
Alex didn't necessarily mean to slam his locker shut, but it was either do that or- he didn't know, start yelling or something.
"Alex," Julie began, her voice pained. "I told them they were being stupid-"
"So long as you told them," Alex snapped, which wasn't really nice, it wasn't really fair, but Alex wasn't feeling particularly kind in that moment.
He stormed away without looking behind him, because if he didn't get mad he was going to start crying all over again, and he couldn't afford that, not when he was already getting teasing whispers questioning his sexuality in some of his classes – jealous assholes wondering why Alex never took out any of the girls that practically threw themselves at him. So far he had a reputation of being dedicated to his studies and his band, but sometimes they joked he was too dedicated to his band, if you know what I mean-
It didn't matter. That didn't matter. What mattered was that his bandmates had been playing around behind his back for months now, likely laughing to themselves at how clever they were, at how oblivious he was. Going out for months and being perfectly content to leave Alex out of things, because he wasn't wanted like that.
It didn't matter.
Eventually, Alex would believe that.
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He spent lunch hiding out in the private study rooms they had in the library, finishing up what homework he could. It was fortunate that he didn't share any classes with his friends, that it was perfectly reasonable for his phone to be off during school hours. He cut band practice and headed to the library across town to finish the rest of his work on the very offhand chance that his friends tried to track him down at his house. He didn't leave the library until it was late, and his mom might have been mad at him for missing dinner but she was happy he'd been productive instead of killing time with the band so she didn't complain too much, and he didn't complain at all, grabbing an apple from the bowl and letting that act as his dinner as he moped like a damn champion.
The next day. He kept telling himself he would talk to them the next day. That he just needed some space. But then there would be messages on the group chat where the comments that had once seemed like light ribbing was the three of them definitely flirting, Flynn calling them out on it without shame, Luke sending back winking emojis in reply – and there went Alex's lunch. There went band rehearsal. Whatever chill he managed would get buried under a swell of feelings that he couldn't stop if he tried, and he really, really wanted them to go away. He wanted things to be normal again.
It was a lot easier when the guys had been entirely off limits because any potential for them to reciprocate his feelings was impossible rather than the possibility being there without the desire. Alex was self-absorbed enough to admit that, but he thought it was fair. It was his life, he should be a little self-absorbed, no one else was going to do it for him.
And like, he knew why they were carrying on as though things were normal. It was standard Alex-meltdown behavior. They maintained the status quo so he wouldn't feel even more self-conscious – he'd expressed thanks for it in the past, so obviously they were just doing that but a small voice in the back of Alex's mind hazarded that maybe they just didn't feel the need to change at all, because for them, nothing was different. Maybe things were even better. They certainly seemed to be getting on fine without him.
So Alex missed the rest of their lunches and their rehearsals for the week, and while the group chat stayed normal his private messages got a bit more heated – at least from Bobby, the rhythm guitarist wondering if Alex was going to show up to their Friday night gig.
Honestly, Alex didn't want to go, but he'd set up the damn thing and the guys were depending on him. He made it to the club just before they were about to go on, earning a glare from Bobby that he had to disregard in favor of making nice with the crowd in the next moment.
The set was- it was fine. Alex had never really felt isolated in his position as the band's drummer – being up and behind the guys – but he felt it now. It took a dedicated effort not to watch them sing and dance around each other, to jam out. Alex felt like he was playing on autopilot, but he didn't miss a beat. The show was fine, and as soon as it was over, he started taking down his kit, moving it backstage so he could load it back into Bobby's van.
He didn't know if it was fortunate or not that Luke and Reggie were the ones that worked the crowd that night – networking for future gigs, saying hi to the few fans they had. It was Alex and Bobby that loaded the van in tense silence, Alex managing to will himself into a mostly numb state of detachment so long as he didn't look at Bobby. He was afraid that maybe he'd ask what he'd done wrong, when he knew what he'd done wrong. He was just- him. Uptight and dumb and incapable of accepting change. He was a drag to be around, too emotional. No one wanted to date that. No one wanted to date him.
Bobby cleared his throat when they were done, the two of them awkwardly staring at the closed doors of the van. Normally at this point, they'd head inside to round Luke and Reggie up, keep them out of trouble. As much as Alex complained about it, he liked that part of the evening, because usually Luke and Reggie were still hopped up on adrenaline so they'd be clingy, eager to drape themselves across Alex's back or lean into his side, eyes sparkling in excitement as they recounted the praise they received or the new gigs they'd lined up. And sometimes they'd stick around to hear the next band and sometimes they'd dance or they'd go and get food and crash in the studio.
Last week, they'd had a movie marathon, the four of them squeezing on the pullout couch even though Alex had known it was a bad idea. He'd made himself sleep on the outside but woken up pressed against Luke's back anyway. It was fortunate that he'd woken up before the brunette. That would have been really embarrassing.
Bobby shifted his shoulders uneasily. "Are you going to come tomorrow?"
Tomorrow was- right, their usual study session. Getting school stuff out of the way so they could just chill for a bit. Have an excuse to goof off. Alex could relax just as easily at his house but he liked doing it with the guys more, probably because he was pathetic. Another perfect part of the weekend.
At least, it used to be.
"I'll see you at the show," Alex said, his voice sounding rough.
He caught Bobby tense in his peripherals, the rhythm guitarist seeming to consider talking again before he shook his head and turned away, going back into the club.
Alex walked towards his car and drove home, his heart pounding furiously in his chest all the while.
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The thing was, Alex knew if he just checked his messages, he'd see that they apologized to him. Many times. Profusely. He was sure of it. His friends weren't malicious people at heart, they just had a tendency not to think. He knew that. Bobby was usually better about it, but even he could get outvoted. It made sense. It was reasonable.
Alex knew if he looked through his phone, there would be plenty of attempts of them trying to make things right. The main issue he was having was just- what if they didn't? What if he looked and all he had were texts asking why he was being such a dramatic asshole? Why he had the audacity to upset Reggie or miss rehearsal or be so annoying? His friends had never done it before, he knew it was unlikely, but Alex couldn't stop the thoughts from invading his brain, and as long as he didn't check, he wouldn't know. One way or the other, he wouldn't know. He could be safe in his theories without seeing for sure. It was the dream.
It also probably wasn't healthy.
There were more messages in the group chat about what a successful gig they'd had, the other three sharing a perfect selfie, Bobby closest to the camera because he'd probably taken the shot. It was usually him or Alex, because they had the longest arms.
But Alex wasn't there.
He made it to their Saturday night gig, then took Sunday to himself, trying just to breathe. He left his phone off for the entirety of it, hoping if he wasn't dragged back under by their happiness, he might be able to build up a better line of defense to protect himself. Might be able to get back to something that was close to normal.
It was hard, because two weeks ago he and Reggie had shared a milkshake because the bassist had insisted he really didn't want one even though the longing in his eyes was obvious, so Alex had ordered up a size, pretended it was on accident, and bothered Reggie until he 'helped' him finish it. Alex had done all that, ignoring the weight of Bobby's knowing stare, and the three of them had been dating. They could have done it easily, but they let Alex make an ass out of himself instead, so he could feel useful for once.
Sometimes, Alex really hated himself. His life would be a lot easier if he was just straight. His parents would be happy, he could easily support his friends without any kind of internal strife. He could be just like everyone else. Of course he could not be afforded that normality.
He tried not to stew over it, though. He'd been doing that all week and he was a little sick of it. He hadn't really been eating and he knew he needed to do better, to try and take care of himself. He just felt so nauseous all the time, or he didn't have an appetite, and his parents weren't going to comment on him skipping meals if he was on a study groove and he didn't want to break it. Then he was just being responsible.
He was actually getting kind of sick of moping. So what if he was a joke? Jokes were funny. Jokes could be laughed at. People liked jokes. It was fine, he should try and look on the bright side of things. The guys were happy – that was cool. And they'd definitely talk about girls less if they were dating each other, which was a definite plus. Alex just needed to maintain the same distance he always had – that shouldn't be so hard. They could still be friends.
That was it. Tomorrow, he was going to be normal again. He'd join them for lunch and rehearsal and they'd pretend like the last week hadn't happened, same as they usually did. Granted, Alex had never stayed away this long before – had only ever missed the occasional lunch and rehearsal due to his anxiety – but the guys were pretty cool about pretending it hadn't happened. They were dependable like that.
Alex held onto that when he went out to get the Sunday paper – the Mercer family schedule somehow hectic enough that his father had forgotten to grab it earlier to read after lunch. It was fine though, Alex could use the fresh air.
At least, those were his thoughts until he caught a familiar pink car parked in front of his house, Carrie seeming in the process of locking it behind her.
Even with her pink-tinted sunglasses, Alex knew she was staring him down, and she confirmed that much when she pushed them on top of her head, revealing an expression that was superbly unimpressed.
Carrie, because she was Carrie, cut straight to the point. "You're being a real piece of shit," she huffed, quirking an annoyed brow at him.
"I know," Alex sighed, feeling terrible all over again. "But tomorrow-"
"You need to apologize to them," Carrie said, cutting him off because she was on a mission to protect her cousin. "For avoiding them, for making them think you were going to flake out on your gig, for acting like such a fuckhead. This is the exact reason they were scared to tell you."
"They hid it from me for months!" Alex burst, unable to hold it in anymore. "Months, Carrie."
"They were trying to do the right thing," Carrie huffed. "They know you're shitty with change, and they didn't want to subject you to it if they weren't actually sure, and the moment they were, they told you."
"After telling everyone else?" Alex countered. "I get that I should have messaged them-"
"You should be a supportive friend!" Carrie snapped. "You're supposed to be the reasonable one, but instead, you're making the guys feel like shit!"
"They feel like-?" Alex had to cut himself off, had to exhale hard through his nose and keep his voice level to avoid drawing attention from the neighbors. "How the fuck am I supposed to feel when they blindside me like this?"
"Alex," Carrie hissed. "You are literally the only one who couldn't see the chemistry between them. If you weren't so fucking self-absorbed, you would have noticed this shit for yourself instead of throwing a hissy fit after the fact and trying to play the victim card!"
The words were a slap to the face, something that made Alex want to take a step back, to hide or maybe cry, but Carrie wasn't done.
"Just- make a choice!" Carrie continued. "Either be their friend or don't, but don't leave them in limbo like this, they don't deserve it."
She left before he could get a word in edgewise, climbed into her car and drove off into the distance while he was still standing there, feeling numb all over.
Everyone had seen it. Everyone had seen it because it was obvious, but Alex hadn't. He felt like he didn't know his friends at all, but more than that, he was pretty sure that maybe they didn't know him. Or they did, and that was why they'd left him out in the first place.
The end result was, Alex made things harder. He made them worse, and if that was true, if he actually cared about them at all, he'd… he'd take himself elsewhere.
Like Carrie said, he needed to make a choice.
As the responsible one, Alex was used to making hard calls.
-:-:-:-:-:-
Because Alex was not brave, he waited until lunch on Monday before he made his move. He'd never driven off campus before during the school day, he'd never been bold enough to pretend he was a senior and allowed that luxury, but this was the only time he knew for sure the guys wouldn't be at the studio. He'd taken his mom's van to school for this express purpose, so he shouldn't feel nauseous when he approached the Wilson garage. He shouldn't feel shaky as he used his key to get inside and quickly loaded his drumkit into the back of the van. He left the amps he'd helped pay for, knowing the guys needed them more than he did. Honestly, he wasn't even sure why he'd come back for the drums, but he couldn't bear the thought of losing those too.
He locked up behind him when he was done, leaving his key in the usual hiding space that held the spare before he drove back to school, his heart threatening to pound out of his chest.
It wasn't until after school, when the guys would be piling into Bobby's van to head to practice, that Alex texted Bobby back for the first time in days.
It was a simple message, short and effective.
'I quit,' Alex had typed. 'Left my key in the fake rock'.
With that, he proceeded to block each and every one of his old friends, because he wasn't going to try and make them choose sides when Carrie had made it obvious that they all thought Alex was an asshole. He deleted message histories before finally removing himself from the group chat, until it was just Alex and his drums in a warm van, settling into a devastation he'd brought entirely upon himself.
Yes, this must be the teenage dramatics his parents had worried about so much. But at least… at least they'd be happier. That was something.
That had to be something.
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Endnotes:
And this is only the first chapter. Trust me, this is… it's going to be a bumpy ride, I'll just say that much.
This story will consist of 9 chapters of story content. I update once a week, on Sundays.
Story notes:
Carrie over there, trying to give out some tough love and having it backfire spectacularly, though the why of this will be explored as the story progresses.
Until next time :)