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VILife Isn't Enough
Chapter Six: Kairi
VII wandered through the house, running my hands over the familiar wallpaper. The house seemed so lifeless as it was painfully emptied, room by room. It was turning into a skeleton of what had been.My room had a big hole in the wall, which Riku and I discovered when he happened to stab the wallpaper in exactly the wrong place. My dresser had been moved to hide it up until today, but now it was being hauled to the door by the two grunting movers. I was making my final rounds through the house, forcing myself to be stolid. I wasn't going to cry. I refused to cry. Instead I forced my usual smile, humming happily the song Riku and I used to sing whenever we were out on the beach. A song of everlasting sunshine and happiness.
Mom had disappeared somewhere, instead of being out there to supervise the way I thought she would be. So I found myself alone in my empty room, a few boxes off to the side with my stuff in it and all the furniture on its way out. The living room and most of the other rooms were already clear, awaiting only the stripping of their wallpaper by the new homeowners. Unable to bear it, I had bent by the hole in the wall with a marker, inscribing my name in the plaster.
This room belongs to
Sora Hikari
I had paused then, thinking again of all the precious moments shared in this room. All the sleepovers, and the pillow fights, and the battles with darkness. Riku shone through it all with his own personal light, even when the nightlight went out and he found this hole. I was so afraid, conjuring up all manner of demon hiding in the darkness of the strange hole in my wall, but he climbed up in bed with me and held me tight, telling me it was okay. Everything was going to be okay.
And
Riku Yume.
Then I straightened and watched Mom come in, a camera in her hand. She handed it to me, the metal pressing into my palm as her fingers grazed my skin. "I…took pictures," was all she could manage. But I understood, and we stood alone in that little room for an eternity together. Even though it was an eternity that could never be enough.
"It's not much, but it'll do," Mom told me optimistically as we looked around at the small apartment. "Once we get all our money straightened out, we can move into a bigger house."
There was a slight twinge of hope in her words, but I knew that by the time we were able to buy the house back, the new owners wouldn't want to sell it. "It'll be okay," I said quietly, setting my bag down on the carpet. "I kind of like it here." I flashed a grin at her, ignoring the empty feeling in my chest. I didn't really believe it, of course, but I was Sora Hikari. I didn't quit, no matter what. Even if…even if…I stopped thinking that abruptly, because it wasn't true. Riku was alive, and if he wasn't…if Riku was dead, I didn't know what I'd do.
VISchool went along its merry way, and Kairi floated away from me. She was still mad at me for breaking up with her, and quickly seized on to Wakka as her new boyfriend. From what Selphie told me, she'd already tried Tidus and had no luck due to Selphie's own intervening. Other than her sudden attachment to Wakka, Kairi seemed to be drifting completely out of our circle of friends.
"I'm not in the mood, Selphie," I told her, pulling off the little keychains she was hanging in my hair. Today was the day I had to go and see Mrs. Inoue, so it was understandable that I was in no mood for games.
"Sora," she groaned in complaint. "You're never in the mood." She hesitated. "Oh, I'm sorry—you're still upset about Riku, and about your house, right?"
"Yeah." That was part of it.
Selphie nodded, running the tips of her fingers along my arm comfortingly. "Okay. I won't rush you. I still can't believe it myself. He was an awesome guy."
I opened my mouth to tell her the usual, only just then I spotted Kairi walking with Wakka. Selphie's mood turned sour and she leaned back, eyes intent. "There's Miss Too-Good-For-Everybody. Wonder if she's still mad."
Kairi apparently was, because when she saw us sitting there, she took Wakka's arm and started in another direction. "I don't believe this," I heard Selphie mutter. Wakka, meanwhile, was struggling.
"Hey, Kai, why don't we just sit over there, eh? Selphie and Sora's o—"
"Just come on, Wakka! Let's sit somewhere else!" There was a tone of authority in her voice.
Wakka had clearly had enough. "Hey, man, I didn't start datin' ya just so I could skip out on meetin' the others. You go find your own seat, yah?" And he pulled out the chair across from Selphie.
Kairi was beginning to tremble, casting a hateful look at me. "Fine," she said quickly. "You know what, I'll—I'll just go. I'll just leave, and you'll be sorry." High heels clicking across the tile, she left the cafeteria.
"You don't think she means it, do you?" I asked, worried now. As much as Kairi had bothered me, I didn't want to see her get hurt or lost. I didn't want her to disappear like Riku had.
"Kairi? No." Selphie waved a hand dismissively. "She'll be fine. She's just a little upset that she can't sit on her high horse and have things her own way."
"Did I miss anything?" Tidus asked, sliding smoothly into the seat next to Wakka. "Stupid question, I guess," he added, catching Kairi's furious departure. "She's been tailing me all day, you know. I think she's been trying to use me as a backup in case you don't work out," he said to Wakka.
"Take her, man."
"Tidus isn't going to do anything of the sort," Selphie stated sharply, giving her boyfriend a searching look. "Is he now?"
"No. No he's not." Tidus shook his head quickly. After all, Selphie had been PMSing all week, and he wasn't stupid enough to get caught in the middle of that.
"I think it's better if I check on her after school," I told them, twisting my fork around in my untouched spaghetti. "Kairi can do some crazy things if she gets riled up enough." I hesitated. I wasn't sure I wanted to see her alone—I might need someone to help me stay alive. "Anyone want to come with?"
"You don't think she's homicidal, do ya?" Wakka asked quickly.
Selphie frowned. "Wakka, that's not the point!"
"Count me out, man. She's probably gonna be so mad at me she might…" Wakka's imagination was clearly on the loose, since his expression turned to one of terror.
"She'd castrate you," Tidus put in helpfully. "I'm surprised you got away from her unscathed, Sora."
"Let's not discuss it."
Selphie sighed, glancing at her planner. "I'm booked today. There's a long theater meeting this afternoon, since we have to get ready for our next event. And Tidus isn't going anywhere near her."
Tidus opened his mouth to reply, thought better of it, and shut up. But he shot me a pleading look, and I knew why. For some reason, he and Kairi had grown fairly close after that strange dream about Riku. It hadn't become anything amounting to love, and Selphie had seen to that, but he still worried about her. "You know he's not going to do anything," I told her carefully, testing the water. "After all, I'm going to be there, so I can tell you if he tries anything. Then you can do the castrating."
She hesitated, considering the offer, and I quickly administered an innocent grin. "All right," she agreed finally. "But you're going to tell me everything. If he so much as lays a finger on her, I want to know about it. Then I can decide what exactly to amputate."
I saw Tidus swallow hard, but he nodded in understanding, not trusting himself to speak.
VIMrs. Inoue was frowning as she went through the notebook, and I began to doubt my method. From the start, I had been pleased with myself for being such a trickster, but now I wasn't sure if it had worked. And if it hadn't, would I have to tell her everything instead?
"I'm not sure I understand," she said finally when she set it down and turned her eyes on me. "You lost your best friend, and you lost your house, not to mention your girlfriend, but you just keep writing that you're going to recover? That's fine motivation, but I have to say I'm not sure whether it's genuine. People don't usually recover from situations like this with just a wave and a smile."
"I've decided I want to keep going," I told her, and it was partially true. I did want to keep going, if only to wait out this awful disappearance so I could see Riku at the end of it. "I don't want to give up yet."
"Yet?" she repeated, and I knew I'd slipped. "I believe Ms. Nakamura gave this to you so you could write what you truly feel, and that's what I'm expecting to read. If you're only pretending to recover, well, then, I can't reach you."
The notebook hung loosely in my arms. Now that she'd already raped it of its secrets, it was no longer of concern to me whether she read it. Not until next week, when I had to come up with new material. "I didn't want anyone to read it, though," I told her. My voice was growing stronger, even without Riku there. I could almost hear his voice intertwining with my own. "It's for me. Just for me."
She smiled in understanding. "Is that all? Well, then don't worry about me reading it."
My heart leapt jubilantly, feeling the chains falling away. I watched as Mrs. Inoue went to the window, clasping her hands behind her back formally. "In order to help you, I have to understand you. But if I don't know anything about you, I can't understand."
Something about that sounded hauntingly familiar. What was it again? One who knows nothing can understand nothing. But where had I heard that before?
"So just don't think about it. I will continue to read through it once a week, but so long as you put that off your mind, I'm sure you can release your feelings and let me understand you."
My heart sank almost as quickly as it had risen, and the notebook became a ball and chain again. "But—"
"It's all in my hands, Sora," she told me, ushering me to my feet and out the door. "I want you to trust me, and then we can get through this together."
When the door closed behind me, I felt no better about myself. I didn't have a feeling of my troubles lifting off my shoulders, the way I'd heard it was supposed to go after a session. All Mrs. Inoue did was read my secrets and tell me what to do. It didn't even feel like a counseling session anymore. It was just another part of school, with a different kind of assignment.
VII met Tidus on the sidewalk on the way to Kairi's house. He was looking a bit harried, and explained that Selphie had threatened him quite a bit before he left. The girl was getting protective, but I could understand what with Kairi's erratic behavior. I probably would have done the same if it were Riku she was after.
The sudden impact of that thought crossing my mind stopped me dead in my tracks. Sure, I had known for a while my deepest and darkest secret—and now Mrs. Inoue knew it, too—but I had never seriously considered my relationship with Riku. But that's right, he was acting weird on the phone, so maybe he—
"Sora, come on!" Tidus called from farther ahead. He apparently hadn't noticed that I was no longer walking next to him, but he tried to cover for it quickly by approaching with long strides. "Have you forgotten where to go?"
"Uh…no," I replied, shaking my head and trying to collect my thoughts. "Sorry, I was just thinking. Let's go."
"That's what I just said."
"No, you said 'come on.' That's different."
Tidus frowned. "No it's not!"
"It is, a little."
"Oh, whatever."
Kairi's house was quiet, all the lights out and no cars in the driveway. The house itself seemed to emanate an aura of foreboding. "Maybe she's not home," Tidus suggested brightly. "Okay, let's go see Sel—"
"You're worried about her, right?" I started for the door. "Her parents both work, so they wouldn't be home, but she might. I just don't know why all the lights are…" Oh, no. She didn't. She couldn't! Kairi!
The door was locked, so I backed up and threw my shoulder against it so hard I was afraid I might kill myself. "We've got to get in!" I told an alarmed Tidus. "Think about it! She left the cafeteria, she said we'd be sorry—" I felt sick. Oh, God.
Tidus caught on fairly quick, but he kept some semblance of calm. "There's a back way with a key, in case she ever lost hers. I know where it is. Come on!"
We ran around to the door at the side, both nearly panicking by now, and my heart was in my throat again. If only I had done something, if only I had said something. Maybe if I didn't break up with her, she wouldn't have done this. But I knew I wouldn't lose Kairi—even if Riku was dead, I wouldn't lose her. I couldn't lose her. Not now—not ever.
I promised to take care of her.
Tidus fumbled momentarily for the key, and then the door slammed open against a table, knocking it over and breaking the vase resting on it. We rushed in, sneakers pounding against the wood in a desperate race against time. Please don't let her be dead, I kept thinking. God, please don't let her be dead.
Kairi was on the floor, her back against the stove and her skin pale and cold. Bottles were open around her, pills strewn about the floor. "Kairi!" I shouted, rushing to her side. I took her limp hand in mine, feeling for a pulse with shaking fingers. Nothing. "Call an ambulance!" I called to Tidus even as he ran to the phone. As he spoke to the person on the other line, struggling to keep his voice level, I checked for other vital signs. She was still breathing, at least. Kairi. You can't die, Kairi.
VIWe waited uncertainly in the hospital, two sniffling boys with red eyes and ruffled clothes amongst the crisp professionals. Kairi's parents arrived almost immediately after the ambulance got there, seizing us to them and thanking us over and over for finding her before she was dead. Wakka and Selphie were there soon after, Selphie sobbing quietly to herself in the corner while the rest of us stood around awkwardly, trying to ignore each other's tears and the terrible dread suspended like a cloud over our heads.
It turns out that Kairi was suffering more than I realized. It wasn't just the fact that Riku had disappeared and I had broken up with her and now our whole friendship was in fragments around us—there were other reasons. Like the fact that she was adopted because I found her on the beach (something I couldn't remember for some reason), and that she was always trying to get to me, but Riku was always in the way. I'm not exactly sure what all else convinced her to take her own life, since this is all she told me, but I could rest assured that she didn't die and was no longer in danger of dying, despite the overdose.
"I'm sorry I let everything get so out of control," she said to me when I sat beside her in the hospital the next day. "I guess…I'm still a little off because of everything that happened."
I nodded. "It's okay, Kairi. So long as you're safe now."
"Hasn't there come a time when…when you've thought about it, too?" she asked, sitting up a little. "I mean, what with all the Heartless and all the people you have to fight…"
"Kairi, what are you talking about?"
"I'm just tired, Sora. I'm tired of being a tool. I'm tired of someone else using me for his own stupid plans." Her voice was beginning to crack. "But you…at least you have someone to protect you."
I stared at her, unable to fully comprehend this. Had she gone insane? Did those pills do something to her mind?
"He's right there," she said then, pointing to the chair next to me. "Sitting there with you. I can see him."
Knowing I wouldn't see anything, I turned my eyes to the empty chair. Suddenly its emptiness seemed like a hole, almost, in the fabric of reality. He was supposed to be there, but he wasn't. And there wasn't anything I could do to fix it. I closed my eyes against the image, wishing I could see what Kairi did.
