"Things have been rough for us. All of us. And I think it's about time I let go of my grudges. You people are my best friends, my family. I'm sick of being angry. I just want you back in my life," Peyton confessed to Lucas at the pizzeria earlier that day. She had looked so serious, and quite vulnerable- which isn't very often when speaking about that particular blonde bombshell. Lucas had comforted her, as he always did. It seemed like that was how he spent most of his time these days, comforting his friends. Picking up the fragile pieces that selfish people had broken.
He wanted to be there for them, always. Seeing both Haley and Peyton pour out their hearts to him in such a short period of time had made him come to terms with the fact that he really hadn't been a good friend in the past year. His selfishness and determination to get what he wanted had blind sighted him from the troubles of those he cared about. Of course, Lucas had never consciously ignored them… It was just that he was too caught up in his own life and his own issues to see that his friends were hurting. By not helping them, he had caused more pain, especially since he was the sensitive listener of the group. The one they could depend on for rational, non-judgmental, advice.
And then the wildest, most passionate thing interrupted his life: Brooke. She was the kind of girl that a guy couldn't walk away from, her energy had wrapped around him, engulfed him. His mind had formed only one goal: to get her back. She made him see what passion meant. But it was at the cost of the level-minded thinking and observant person he had been. After trying for so long to be with her, after pouring out his soul to her, Lucas was beginning to wonder if it was worth it. He couldn't deal with mind games anymore.
"Do you want to play mini-golf?" a tentative voice rang through Lucas's room. He had been lying on his bed, staring off into nothingness. He knew it was Haley, and smiled. "I know it's been awhile, and I've been clinging to you a lot recently- I'm sorry. But it could be fun. Childish, but when has age mattered to us, right?"
"You don't have to justify it, Hales." Lucas grinned, turning his head so that he could see her. She was hovering around the edge of his bed. Was he imagining things or did she actually look… nervous? "Hey, why so flustered?"
"I've been using a lot of your time, and I don't want you to just hang out with me out of pity, or anything." She shrugged.
"You're my best friend. That alone means that you don't need a reason to hang out with me. Besides, you're beautiful company." He waved aside her hesitations and sat up. "But you do remember that I took down the golf course on the roof, right?"
"I know. But we could re-install it, can't we?" the impish, youthful grin that appeared on Haley's face reminded him of the girl he'd been friends with a year ago- the girl who wasn't weighed down like she was now.
"You mean I can re-install it." He snorted, though he got to his feet.
"Actually, I had time on my hands, and my shift for Karen was over… so I kind of already put it all back up." She beamed sheepishly.
"You're insane." Lucas chuckled, wrapping his arm around his friend.
"And I'm going to kick your ass. I'll have you know that I had a travel-sized golf thing with me in my hotel room on tour. I've been practicing." She said proudly.
Lucas laughed again, shaking his head. "I should've known. You're still you, Haley. Obsessive at beating me."
"Shut up and walk, unless you're scared you'll lose." Haley raised her eyebrows mockingly.
"That doesn't work on me anymore, I'll have you know." Lucas said proudly. "I'm not going to rise to the bait."
"Sure. All someone had to do was question if you were scared of losing, or scared of getting caught, or question anything about you, really, and you'd get completely fired up." She snorted. "It was kinda pathetic."
"Says the girl who ran into a brick wall when we were seven because you were too stubborn to turn away first when we played Chicken." He laughed.
"You were a bad influence on me, Lucas Scott." She shook her head.
"Hey. It was because you goaded me that I ran straight into a lamp post and broke my nose that time you told me that there was no way I could out run a car." He pointed out.
"It wasn't my fault you chose not to believe me." She grinned.
"As if you didn't know perfectly well that I'd take that as a challenge to prove you wrong." Lucas snorted. "Come to think of it, we were pretty reckless kids."
"Strange, considering how I was such a turtle of a pre-teen." Haley said thoughtfully. "Ah, but you were always the only one who could bring out the stupid in me. I was such a good quiet girl around everyone else. The moment I saw you, however, it was like the rational part of my brain just left. At least that was until I turned twelve and I figured out that if I kept doing all the stupid things I did with you, I'd probably end up killing myself."
"Twelve… wasn't that the year you broke your leg trying to race me up a tree?" Lucas asked.
"No, it was the year I broke my leg after you kicked my arm on our way up the tree because I was beating you. It was also the year you convinced me that I had a chance with Bobby Carlson and I got my heart broken. And the year…. you got hit by a car when you were bike riding along a busy road at rush hour because I had left my favourite necklace at the library and my mom wouldn't let me go back for it until tomorrow and I was worried someone might steal it." She murmured.
"I didn't mean to kick you out of the tree." Lucas protested. "We were pretty accident prone, weren't we?"
"Yeah. You were so freaked out after I fell out of that thing…" she commented. "But damn, when Karen got the call that you were in the hospital after you got hit by that car…"
"I thought I was dying, from the way you were going on when I saw you." Lucas joked.
"Maybe that's because I did think you were dying."
"I wasn't that badly scratched up."
"You had a broken arm, broken ribs, and you were bleeding from so many cuts, not to mention the bruising all over. I was so scared for you. I hated myself so much that night… you had my necklace in your pocket and the first thing you said to me that night was 'no one stole your necklace, don't cry.'"
"And then you proceeded to fling your arms around me and nearly strangled me."
"And then we stopped our childish, impulsive, moronic things."
"I can't believe you got hit by a car for me."
"I can."
Haley smiled softly at her friend and slid her hand in his. They had reached the building. "Luke? I really, really love you."
"For ever and ever, Hales." He answered gently. "You're one of the few people I'd give my life for."
"And am I one of those people, too?" Brooke's sultry voice chirped as she walked up behind Lucas and kissed his cheek.
"Hey, Brooke." He breathed.
"I'll leave you two alone." Haley said, letting go of Lucas's hand. The atmosphere around those two was stifling.
"I'll be up in a minute," he promised. Haley eyed the two of them and went up by herself.
Nathan was itching for a drink. He had been weaning himself away from liquor and weed; he didn't want to become a raving alcoholic. The temptation was so great, though, now that he had to see Haley so often. Because he couldn't use beer to distract himself from his troubles, he had taken up basketball with a renewed fervor. He figured this was win-win; he was releasing tension and improving his chances of a great future at the same time.
It was funny how things were unraveling. Lucas, his own flesh and blood, was once again his near enemy, after all the crap they went through to actually become on good terms in the first place. Peyton had been on team Nathan, but then again, she had been on his side in the very beginning too, only to cross over to Lucas. It looked like the past was reliving itself. Brooke, since she was living with Haley, was obviously not angry with her, though he wasn't sure if she was angry with Nathan either. It frustrated him sometimes. Why were they all feeling bad for Haley, making him out to be the villain? She got up and left him and everyone she knew, just for a chance of fame. She broke his heart. Then the moment she comes back and he doesn't take her back, they all flock over to her to comfort her. What about him? He wasn't the bad guy here. Just because she looked like an injured dove when she was hurt, just because she looked so innocent and pure… Just because he looked like an uncaring jerk. She couldn't hold her tears in and he could, that wasn't grounds for her being the one who got all the sympathy.
She took his life, she took his friends, and she wanted to take him too. What if he didn't have anything left to give to the girl? What if she had taken it all already? He had given all that he could, and she had taken it and wasted it, giving it all away until all the pieces of him that he had given her were spread in the wind, gone out of either of their grasp.
"Hey, tutor husband." Brooke smiled bracingly at him. He knew how grungy he looked. He had sweat covering his black wife beater and his hair was completely mussed.
"What's up?" he asked politely.
"Would it kill you to ask that to Haley?" she couldn't help it, the words just blurted out.
"Is that all any body wants to talk about these days?" he sighed wearily.
"I'm just going to give you a heads up. Lucas and Haley are spending a hell of a lot of time together. And they've known each other pretty much all their lives… They've never gone out before, but all I'm saying is, they're really cozying up. Maybe the romance that never was could be."
"They're friends, nothing else." He snorted. "You're getting paranoid. Besides, isn't Lucas like completely in love with you?"
"I'm testing him, if you must know." Brooke said impatiently. "If he can hold out for long enough and not go after any other girl, even if I refuse to commit to him, then he's telling the truth when he says he only wants me."
"That's cruel, juvenile, and completely unfair to him, seeing as though you've been encouraging this non-exclusive thing." Nathan raised his eyebrows.
"Look, Haley obviously isn't getting any loving from you, and since she's already close with Lucas, what's stopping her from seeking comfort and the love you've denied her from the other Scott brother?" she pointed out.
"Those two have pretty much zero romantic chemistry. It's purely platonic. They might as well be blood siblings." He waved off her concern.
"Or you're still so certain that Haley will pine for you forever."
"I don't want her to."
"You don't give a damn about her!"
Nathan almost exploded. His impassive cover nearly slipped. But he caught himself in time. "I don't give a damn which is why I wish she'd get over herself and move on."
"You can't say anything decent about her, even when she's not around, can you? You can't even pretend to not hate her." Brooke snapped. Nathan shrugged.
"It's nice to know that you really don't care." Haley's very soft voice slammed into him and it took him a lot of will power not to wince.
Brooke and Nathan both turned around. Brooke's mouth gaped open as she tried to think of something comforting to say.
Before they could, Lucas came jogging up around the corner. "-You realize that I've attempted to teach you to play here at the River Court before, and failed-" His voice died down as his eyes followed Haley's line of vision to the two people standing on his court.
"Which is why I figured we could go grab a bite at the café near here. I didn't drag you out here to play, I just wanted to eat where we used to eat after you whooped Skills back in the day." Haley smiled. "I know I can't play. Lord knows the best have tried to show me." She shot Nathan a masked grin. "See you later, Brooke. And take a break, Nate, you look like your going to faint from over exertion." Haley grabbed Lucas's arm and the two continued on their way, Lucas looking over his shoulder at Nathan with suspicion.
"What was that?" Brooke frowned. Nathan didn't answer, he was too busy straining his eyes as he followed the retreating figures as they faded away. She was getting better at hiding.
Fifteen minutes later, his hand latched around Haley's wrist as she walked out of the café she had been ranting about. She let out a startled gasp, which Nathan ignored. Lucas would be out in a minute and he didn't want to be caught talking with her. Lucas would probably jump him before taking the time to assess the situation.
"Haley-"
"I won't bother you anymore." Haley interrupted him.
"What?" genuine surprise revealed itself on his face and in his voice.
"You don't care any more, and I can see that it will take you a long time to ever care again. So I'll just save you from your annoyance and leave you alone."
"Is that what you want?" Nathan was incredulous.
"Isn't that what you want?" Haley asked him. He saw the flickering of hope in her eyes, and he realized that she was trying to corner him into admitting that he had been lying all this time…that he did still want her.
His survival instincts were telling him to close up and agree that she was right. Every other part of him wanted to drop this charade and hug her until Judgment Day.
"Make up your mind," she pleaded with Nathan. She hesitantly raised her hand so that it was resting gently against his cheek. It was such a tender action, and he found himself surprised that she still had enough courage and trust to put herself out there with an action of love like that after all the things he had already said to her. He had already been cold enough towards her to freeze the tropics… And truth be told, he didn't think he had it in him to hurt her anymore. But he couldn't be with her again… The fear of losing her was still too strong.
"Haley, I need to tell you…" he began.
"Nathan." Lucas started when he nearly ran into the brunette as the jingling of the door announced his exit from the café.
Nathan and Haley could've killed Lucas for walking in at that moment. The spell was broken, his defenses were back up. Nathan backed away from the girl, forcing her hand to slip away. He locked eyes with her and desperately wanted to say the words he had come here to say… Brooke was wrong…
But Lucas was eyeing him with a frown, and Nathan knew that nothing could be said when her new bodyguard was around. Nathan sighed. What did he want? What was he thinking? Haley had offered him something here. If he wanted her, she was here. But if he didn't, she'd back away. But Nathan knew that wasn't something he could bear. Backing away meant letting go, letting go meant moving on, and moving on meant not caring any more… which led to other guys. The mere thought ate him up inside.
He didn't know what he could say to her, so he said nothing. He let the unfinished air between them hang uneasily and unresolved. Taking a breath and clenching his jaw, Nathan turned around without a word.
"Always and forever."
Why did she always have to say the exact things that would provoke a reaction? He stumbled just a bit but hid it well, though the pause was enough for Haley to notice. He forced himself to keep walking.
"Do you want to go home?" Lucas uncomfortably asked.
"You're my home now, Luke." Haley whispered.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…
The words are nothing
The words can't erase what's done
The pain won't be fading
It's pride that's keeping me
It's insecurity that's plaguing you
So many regrets
So many hurts
I've caused you pain
What is love?
Love is hurt
Does it have meaning?
Or is it a lie, a hope, we cling to
I don't want to leave you
So what's keeping me away?
Stupidity, fear, vanity…
No.
Only me.
It's always me.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…
