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IXLife Isn't Enough
Chapter Nine: Catharsis
IXI was a bit apprehensive when we walked up to my front door and Cloud rang the bell. Mom answered, looking a bit surprised to see him, and asked why we were so late. Cloud spoke with her briefly and they went inside, Cloud pausing long enough to beckon me forward. Dreading what she would say and how she would react, I followed, letting the door click shut behind me.
When I got inside the living room, Mom was sitting on the couch, listening to the low words from Cloud. Shock appeared in her eyes and grew to disbelief, her face turning white and her hand going to her mouth. "Sora?" she said once, loud enough for me to hear. I lingered near the door, still not wanting to get involved. Cloud hadn't wanted to interfere, but I made him promise he would tell her instead of me.
But the message had gotten across now, so Cloud stood uncomfortably by the couch as Mom approached me, blue eyes wide with the same shock. "Sora, you know I love you, right?" she asked in a soft voice. "It's not because I—?"
"It wasn't you," I said quietly. "It's just…everything's so out of hand lately, and I…I needed an escape."
"But you could have died!" she replied, seizing me into her arms. I grimaced as the newly dressed cuts collided with her body. "You could have slit an artery and died right there in your room…and I never would have known!"
"I never went that far," I tried to say, but I knew that wasn't true. I was only half aware of what I cut.
Mom pulled back, holding me at arm's length. "Sora, I want you to promise me," she said in a shaking voice, her eyes gleaming seriously, "that you will never do this again. Never. Because you're not alone out here, Sor. There are people who can help you—and I can help you. We have to stick together, even if our lives come crashing down around our ears. Because we still have each other, Sora. We still have the ones we love. The moment we don't, we're lost."
I nodded, blinking back tears. "I'm sorry, Mom," I told her, feeling the pools build up behind my eyelids. "I'm so sorry!"
"No, I'm sorry," she said, taking me into her arms again. "I'm sorry you have to go through all this. I'm sorry we had to sell the house. I'm sorry you don't have Riku or Kairi around to spill your heart to. But you're Sora Hikari, d'you hear me? You're getting through this if I have to drag you!"
I smiled through the tears, my arms tightening around her. Mom. My pillar of strength.
IXI met with Cloud only briefly that week, since he had to go with his father to a meeting of some sort. So I waited out the weekend on the paopu tree, staring off into space and thinking. So much had happened, and it wasn't even Christmas yet. Winters in Destiny Islands were, of course, light, but this one had been particularly such. I could imagine the city so far away, snow piled up on the streets and on those tall, gravity-defying towers. Snow piled up on the dumpster where they found Riku's stuff. Snow piled up on a car with Riku inside, driving far away to someplace where maybe he would begin a new life and forget about me, forever a slave to his captor.
I hadn't protected him. We had decided a long time ago we would protect each other, no matter what. And he faced the monster in the Secret Place for me, and the dragon in the dead of night, and the mysterious hole in the wall. But I hadn't done anything. I hadn't protected him. The most I had done was told him I wanted him to go—to be kidnapped, the way he was.
"You were only four years old!" Selphie argued when she, Wakka and Tidus joined me. "You didn't know any better. It's not your fault."
"But I'm the one who—"
"Don't push it, man," Wakka told me, his usually bright, friendly eyes narrowed. "Weren't ya his best friend in the world? Best friends don't blame each other for that kinda stuff. It's not your fault, Sora, so don't punish yourself, yah?"
I nodded, smiling. "Thanks, guys."
"Ahem?"
"And girl."
"Thank you."
There was a silence, and we collectively turned our eyes to the horizon. "Look at us," Tidus said in a hushed voice. "We're all that's left. It's kinda fallen apart, hasn't it?"
"Yeah," Selphie agreed, her voice also strangely softer. "It's all changed so fast, like somebody made the wrong move and suddenly it's all gone, and the game's over."
"There's no game that's over," Wakka stated flatly. "We're not done here, eh? We'll live, no matter what it takes."
"Even though he's dead," Selphie stated.
"Even though he's dead," the other two chorused in agreement.
I looked up at the darkening sky, seeing the stars that fought against the darkness that threatened to consume them. "Even though he's dead," I whispered into the coming evening.
IXCloud and I sat down on the beach again on a stormy evening for what he hoped would be the last session. I wasn't sure what exactly he was going to do, but I was just a bit worried about it. Even though I knew Riku had to be dead, I didn't want to let go of the feeble hope that still insisted he was alive. I didn't want to let go of Riku.
Unfortunately, that's exactly what I would have to do.
"Join hands," Cloud directed as we sat across from one another in the sand. I complied, holding our arms out so that we formed a circle. "All right, Sora. I realized this when I was reading your palm the other day."
I took a breath. That's why he was frowning so much.
"There's a soul attached to yours. It—Riku—can't pass on until you release him. Only when you release him from yourself and accept what has happened can you begin to heal. Do you understand?"
I nodded, biting my lip. Tears were starting at the corners of my eyes. This was it. This was the end.
"What I'm going to do may seem strange, but it's going to help you. Look into my eyes. Tell me what's happened." Cloud's eyes still burned in the cloudy drizzle, like two blue flames.
"Riku's been kidnapped," I said carefully. But his eyes prodded me forward, and I admitted it. "Riku's been killed. Riku is dead."
He nodded. "Reach inside and find him. He won't be hard to find. Then let it go. Let him go on, where he belongs."
I let out a little moan, my face screwing up as the tears coursed down my cheeks. The essence of Riku, that comforting presence I'd known for as far back as I could remember, began to melt away. I clung to it fiercely. No! Don't take him from me!
"Don't," Cloud said to me. His eyes were closed and the blond brows were folded over them in concentration. "You're only making it harder."
"You take him," I managed between grief-stricken hiccups. "I-I can't do this. Take him. You let him go."
"Don't make this my fault, Sora. You won't let go completely until you do it yourself." Cloud sighed, relaxing a bit. "All right. Try talking to him. Let him know that it's time to go."
I bit my lip. "Riku, it's okay," I said slowly, almost whispering. "I'll be okay…without you…" A whimper escaped me then. I couldn't imagine living without him, and yet…
I could feel it like a hand prying my fingers apart, opening my mind again so that Riku faded. Cloud withdrew, and the feeling poured out of me. I let out a shout, trembling violently as I felt him slipping away from me. But he kept going, leaving behind a mental caress as he passed, and then the last of the water trickled through my hands. I looked up in time to see a shadow appear, a glowing sort of outline of Riku. He hesitated, but then ran for the Seaside Shack. Terrible fear surfaced in my mind and I pulled away from Cloud, running down the beach after him. "Riku!" I shouted, my voice barely audible above the rain that was pouring down now. "Riku, come back!"
But he kept running in that stride that could belong to only one person, vanishing through the door. My feet pounded along the sand after him, then up the stairs. I was too slow, and he was faster—always faster than I was. I'll never be able to catch up with you, Riku.
It was at the end of the walkway that my ankle twisted, and I fell forward onto the paopu island, my hands stretched out imploringly. He turned and looked at me, a faceless specter, but then, quite suddenly, I saw him. I saw the aquamarine eyes looking out at mine, and they were real eyes. He was there, standing right in front of me, and starting to smile in that familiar way.
And then he vanished.
"RIKU!" I screamed in a voice wracked with sobs. The rain pelted down on my face, soaking me to the skin, but I was only focused on my best friend, out of my reach forever. "Riku, don't leave me!" The wind whipped my words about like its own personal toys, barely traveling farther than my lips before they vanished. "You said you'd come back! You promised, Riku! You promised me!" My body shook with anguish, unable to accept the simple fact that he was gone. He was gone, and I would never see him again.
"RIKU!"