CHAPTER TWO I'm Still Here
Author's Note: Thanks guys for all the reviews. Keep 'em coming!
Disclaimer: I don't own any part of Grey's Anatomy, including Patrick Dempsey (yet…the ebay bidding war is getting intense….bwahahaha) . I also don't own the song All At Once by the Fray (the title) or the song I'm Still Here by Vertical Horizon (which is used in this chapter).
"Hi." She said softly. Her eyes were on Derek's. He somehow managed to come up with a combination of shock, hurt, and confusion in one expression.
He kept his eyes on hers for a moment, as though asking if this could possibly be true. Then he pulled his gaze away.
Meredith's throat tightened. Finn's arm felt heavy around her shoulder.
She suddenly realized he was speaking to her. "-about ready to go?"
She nodded. Then she heard an all too familiar voice behind her say, "Dr. Dandridge?"
Finn and Meredith turned to see Addison walking up, looking from Meredith to Finn to Derek in curiosity, then gave him a smile.
He returned it. Meredith didn't. "Dr. Shepard. Nice to see you."
She raised her eyebrows at Meredith. "Are you two. . ."
Now it was Finn's turn to look curious. "Yeah, we've been dating. You didn't tell them, Mer?"
Derek gritted his teeth. He felt like doing to this guy what he'd done to Mark. Punch him out. Irrational, sure. . .Finn hadn't done anything to him except help his dog get better. But something about the way his arm was around Meredith, the soft familiar way he said her name. . .Derek didn't like it.
"No." Meredith couldn't offer up any explanation as to why.
Addison prevented her from having to. "Well, that's great! That's so great. Knew there was a reason we picked his practice to take Doc, huh, Derek?" She slipped her hand into his. He remained stiff, staring straight ahead.
Addison was talking to Finn, and Meredith tried to catch Derek's eye. But he was determinedly avoiding her gaze.
Suddenly she caught the words from Addison. "-should all get together for dinner!"
"What?" Meredith heard her voice, and it wasn't alone. Derek had spoken at the same time.
"I was just saying we should all get together for dinner sometime." Addison told Derek. She added in a low voice, "Since we're such good friends and everything."
"Sounds good to me." Finn answered. He nudged Meredith. "Okay with you?"
Meredith inadvertently glanced at Derek. He had a sort of fake smile plastered on his face. Feeling helpless, she knew there was no way she could refuse. She mimicked that fake smile, forcing her lips to curve upward, forcing her voice to sound light and happy. "Yeah, that sounds…that sounds like fun."
"How about you, honey?" Addison asked Derek.
"Fun." He repeated dully. "Yep."
"How about tomorrow?" Addison suggested. Her voice was almost too perky.
Finn looked at Meredith to confirm. She nodded. Her face was beginning to hurt with the effort of that smile. "Sure. What time?"
Her 'friend' Addison made the arrangements with her boyfriend Finn while her ex-boyfriend and 'friend' Derek stared at the wall past her. She felt sick. This was a disaster.
Finally Finn started to guide her out. "So I'll see you tomorrow at eight?"
"Looking forward to it." Addison chirped back.
Meredith was silent as they walked out to the car. Finn glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "Hey, are you okay?"
"Fine." She said, sounding like Addison. She remembered her fake smile. Finn slipped his hand into hers.
Suddenly she remembered another issue she needed to address. "Look, about me not telling them. . .I really haven't seen them much lately, and it's not like I'm trying to hide it or-"
He laughed softly. "Slow down, Mer. I didn't think anything about it." She nodded, relieved. "Are you sure you okay? I mean, you don't mind going out with them?"
"Of course not!" She answered too quickly. "Derek and Addison are. . .they're fun." That's what friends said about each other, right?
Meredith knew she was a horrible liar. She knew her voice didn't sound convincing at all. But Finn seemed to buy it.
She was quiet through dinner, quietly dreading the 'double date' the next night, and dreading seeing Derek the next day. She couldn't get his face out of her mind.
Finn seemed to notice her silence, because after a moment of hesitating, he asked softly, "Are you. . .are you sure you're okay?"
She just nodded. Suddenly, she thought about how many times she'd been asked if she was okay since this whole Derek/Addison thing had happened. And how many times had she lied? Now, at this point, after so long. . .she shouldn't have to lie anymore. She should be okay. It scared her that she wasn't.
To her intense embarrassment, she felt tears spring to her eyes. She busied herself with her plate so Finn wouldn't see. She glanced at him at one point, and she could see the awkward discomfort in his face.
She forced a smile. "I'm sorry, I guess I'm just tired. Long surgery…you know."
He reached across the table and stroked her hand, which should have helped but didn't.
"What do you say we wrap all this food up and just go back to your place and relax?"
Meredith nodded.
That night, Finn stayed over again, and long after he was asleep she lay awake, hating herself and Derek and Addison and just life in general. Love in general.
She wanted so much to be happy with Finn. She wanted so much to be able to fall in love with him. But she couldn't. Her heart was with Derek, and she could find no way to get it back.
She sighed as the familiar burning tears filled her eyes again. She lay flat on her back, staring at the ceiling, and let them leak out of the corner of her eyes and slide down into her hair.
Why did Derek have to look at her like that? If he cared so much that she was dating someone, why the hell was he still with Addison? Where did he get off? And how was it possible to be so frustrated with someone, to hate them even, and not be able to stop loving them?
XXXXXXXX
She woke up the next morning much earlier than she should, and suddenly she remembered. She and Derek were supposed to meet to walk Doc.
She wondered if he'd still want to. She doubted it. But she felt like she should go. She needed to see him, to talk to him before the dinner. She didn't know what she'd say, but she knew she needed to go.
She scribbled a note to Finn, feeling weird about leaving him there. She explained that she had forgotten she'd told Derek that she'd walk Doc this morning…she left out to fact that it would be with him. She knew it sounded slightly lame, but she barely cared.
At the park, she walked around for a few minutes, her eyes darting around looking for him. Then she heard his voice, low and flat from behind her, "I was wondering if you were going to show."
She turned. He was sitting on a bench, Doc sniffing around by his feet. He looked at her, unsmiling.
"Hi." She told him.
"Hope I didn't make you leave Finn all by himself." He spoke Finn's name with a kind of bitterness.
Of all the conflicting emotions going on inside Meredith, at that moment, anger won out. "And where's Addison right now? Did you leave her all by herself, too? I don't know what the hell you're trying to do, but you cannot be mad at me for this, you have no right."
"What?"
"You. Being mad. You have no right to be mad. You're married and I can date whoever I want."
"I know you can." His voice softened. "I'm not mad at you, Mer."
The way he said her name made her want to start crying. How crazy was she?
"Then why do you keep looking at me like that?"
He was quiet for a moment. "I guess I just don't. . .I didn't like it. Last night. Seeing his arm around you. Listening to him talk about you like you're his." His face twisted as though disturbed my the memory. "I know I shouldn't feel like that but. . .I do."
Meredith looked at him. He felt things he knew he shouldn't, too?
Derek continued. "I'm just didn't expect to feel that way. I didn't expect it to hurt."
"I just want you to be happy." His voice sounded so sad, and so sincere, that Meredith's eyes filled with tears. She met his, wishing she could find an easy way to say everything she was thinking. "Does he make you happy?"
She couldn't think of answer. Finally, she told him honestly, "He doesn't make me sad. He doesn't make me feel alone or afraid or. . .or any of the other things I usually feel. That's something I guess."
"I guess." He felt guilty as hell, knowing he was the one causing her to feel the things she was talking about. But he also knew that during the good times, he'd made her happy.
Meredith couldn't stop herself. "Does Addison make you happy?"
Derek stared at her. What was the right answer to that question? He couldn't really tell the truth, that no, Addison didn't make him happy, not as happy as Meredith had. That he couldn't be happy because Addison simply wasn't Meredith, and because of that she wasn't enough.
"I don't know."
Meredith felt so frustrated. "Well, that's great, Derek. That's a great marriage, I'm sure."
He raised his arms helplessly. "What do you want me to say, Meredith?"
"Nothing. Just don't say anything. And I don't want to hear anything about you being jealous of Finn or not liking that I'm with him or whatever the hell it is. Because I can't listen to that. Okay?"
He wanted to say more. But Meredith looked angry and upset, and he didn't want to push it. He put a hand on her arm to assure her. "Okay."
"I. . .I have to go." She turned around.
"Meredith. . .come on! We haven't even walked Doc yet!"
"I'm sorry, I just. . ." She sighed desperately. "I guess I'll see you at work. And. . .y'know. . .tonight."
Tonight. The dinner. He'd wanted to kill Addison when she suggested it. He knew why she had, and he hated it. She wanted to test this new 'friendship'.
It would be tested alright. What was it really anyway?
Derek sighed as he watched Meredith's retreating form. Did friends have to walk away from each other like this? Did friends get jealous? Did friends feel an almost unbearable pain knowing they could only be friends?
He didn't think so.
He didn't know what was stopping him from being with her now. It was a lot of things. Addison, of course. His obligation to try to save his marriage, and his guilt for his part of destroying it. There was the fact that he chose Addison over Mer. . .they couldn't go back after something like that. There was so much damage.
XXXXXXXX
When Addison and Derek walked into the cozy Italian restaurant, they found they had arrived first. They took the corner table for four, Derek sullenly silent, showing Addison his feelings about tonight.
"Are you going to be like this all night?"
"Like what?"
"Pouting. Sulky."
"Maybe."
She shook her head in disgust. "God, Derek, grow up already."
"You grow up, Addison. You're the one who suggested this whole dinner just for some twisted little game you're playing."
She regarded him coolly. "I was under the impression that we were friends. You should have no problem going out to eat with a friend."
He glared at her. "You knew I wasn't when you did this."
She had a very 'caught you' expression on her face. "So you admit it! You're not okay with Meredith dating!"
"I'm fine with Meredith dating. She can date whoever she wants. But I don't want to be included in her dates. It's fucking awkward Addison!"
"This guy doesn't even know about you and Meredith's twisted little history, so the only people it would be awkward for is you and Meredith! And if you really are friends, you won't feel awkward."
"So w hat is this? A test?"
She smiled innocently. "It's just a dinner, Derek. Quit analyzing, and quit looking for the hidden agenda."
"I-"
"Hey!" Finn and Meredith were approaching the table, and Derek and Addison's talk was cut off.
Pleasantries were exchanged, Finn and Addison cleared up the new first name basis of the mutual friendship of all those involved. They ordered, and the awkwardness set in.
Only Meredith and Derek could feel it of course, but for them, it was there. Meredith had spent the day at the hospital avoiding him, dodging places where she knew he had patients and staying out of the elevator. She imagined he'd done the same.
Addison had the perky look on, and Finn was at ease in any situation. They made conversation, forcing Meredith and Derek into it whenever possible. Mostly, though, the two sat in silence across from each other, avoiding the other's gaze, but stealing glances when they thought it was safe.
At one point soon after the food had come, Finn put his arm around her shoulder and gently massaged one. "You okay, baby?"
She nodded at him. This was a perfectly normal gesture. All Meredith could feel, however, was Derek's eyes on them.
"So, how long have you two been married?" Finn asked later. Technically, it was a question for both the Shepards, but it was directed at Addison; it was clear to everyone Derek was not keen on joining in the conversation.
"Eleven years." Addison said, smiling fondly at Derek. (I have no idea if that's right, the years I mean).
Derek looked up from the table he'd been scrutinizing and looked at Addison. Meredith picked a spot on the wall and focused on it.
"How'd you meet?" That was from Finn.
"Oh, well nothing special really. We worked together at a hospital in New York. We dated for about a year before he proposed. That's the real story. . ."
"Addison. . ." Derek hissed.
She ignored him.
"We'd been dating for about a year, and we decided to do this thing we did. . .brown bagging on top of the Empire State Building for dinner. We used to do that a lot. We decided to go pretty late, so we'd be getting done right when they were closing, so there would be less people. Anyway, we were finishing up eating when the elevator guys or whatever they are started telling everyone to clear out. I start to stand up, but Derek pulls me down and the elevator guy nods at him. Everyone else leaves, and we're up there alone. Derek had fixed it ahead of time Anyway, we were standing up there, alone, and Derek knew that was my favorite view in the world, and I was just wondering what was going on, and he gets down on his knee and says-"
Focus on the wall. Focus. Meredith was feeling sick. Her hand felt dead in Finn's. She was seized with sudden, deep hatred of Addison. She could feel Derek staring at her. She wouldn't look. She tried desperately to tune Addison out.
She was quoting Derek. "I love you, in a way I never thought I could love anyone-"
Meredith pulled her hand from Finn's and moved her chair back from the table. "Excuse me. Restroom." She put on that fake smile. "I've heard this story, anyway, so go on, Addison."
They all stared after her for a moment. Then Addison continued, "And then he pulls out the ring. . ."
Derek reached his hand into his coat pocket and fumbled with his cell phone. He turned the ringer on and Addison and Finn looked at him. He pulled it out to answer.
"Hello?" He felt ridiculous, but how else was he supposed to follow her. "Oh, sure, hi. Hold on one second, would you?" He stood from the table. "Sorry, guys, I need to take this." He walked away from the table with his phone pressed to his ear, sensing Addison's suspicious looks.
XXXXXXX
Meredith walked past the restrooms and headed for the exit. She stood outside in the night and tried to calm herself down.
She leaned back against the brick side of the building. She was disgusted with herself, running out like a little kid. But she could not stand there and listen to Addison to talk about her and Derek, sit there with that fake smile plastered on her face.
I've seen the ashes
in my heart
I smile the widest
When I cry inside and my insides
blow apart
Derek came out of the door, staring at her. He didn't have to say anything. He just looked.
Tears pushed at the back of her eyelids and she squeezed them shut. "Just. . . don't." Her voice quavered despite her best efforts.
He moved toward her, one arm reaching out slightly, but she stepped back.
I tried to wear
another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in
my place
"I tried Derek! I really did, but I just c-can't do this anymore."
"Do what?"
"This whole thing! Being friends with you. I can't do it. It's too hard, Derek. I can't be around you and Addison, and I can't listen to her talk about you two and I can't pretend like I'm okay with it anymore!"
But everything you wanted from me
Is everything that I could never be
"You think it's easy for me? I don't like seeing you with someone else, either! I don't like having to see that. This whole evening hasn't exactly been a bundle of joy for me either!"
"Yeah, well you don't have a right to feel that way! I do. You had a choice. You chose Addison. You had control, Derek. I just had to sit back and watch while you made the decision. I had to trust you. And when it blew up in my face, I couldn't do anything about it!"
"I know! And I'm sorry! But, my God, Meredith. . ."
"You said you didn't know if she made you happy."
"I don't. Sometimes I just feel so. . .I don't know, Mer, I just wonder about my choice. And I wonder if Addison will be enough now. So, no, I'm not really happy."
The cities grow
The
rivers flow
Where you are I never know
She felt all the anger rising to the top over the guilt, the sadness, the fear, everything else. Right now, she felt like getting mad at him. She felt like making him angry at her. She couldn't stand the soft, sad looks anymore. She couldn't stand the way he acted like he loved her, messed with her head, all the time he had a wife.
"I don't understand you at all, Derek! You have no right to bitch about anything, because-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Derek looked quite taken aback "Who's bitching? You asked me!"
"Well . . ." Meredith stumbled over the words. "Whatever! Don't talk to me about not being happy, okay? If you're not happy with her, why are you with her? I get that you wanted to try to make the marriage work, but you're way past that now. It either works or it doesn't, and it's about time you grew the hell up and decided. I can't have you, but you won't give yourself fully to your wife either! And you're holding me back!"
But I'm still
here
If you were right
And I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone?
And I'm still here.
He was starting to get angry, too. "How! How the hell am I holding you back? You seem to be getting on quite well with Dr. Dolittle over there!"
"Because I can't move on and get over you if you keep looking at me the way you do, and I can't be with someone else if all I can think of is you. It's not fair. I've got a really great guy, who's funny, and sweet, and actually cares about me, and most importantly, is not married and I can't even let myself feel anything for him because he's not you. And that really shouldn't be a bad thing! Because to be you, Derek, is to be a liar, and too charming for your own good, and indecisive, and immature, and a lot of other things that I really don't like in people…" She was almost crying now. He stepped closer to her and put his hands on her arms.
Why are you the one who's gone?
And I'm still here
"Then why do you even bother with me?" He asked gently. A tear fell from her right eye and he brushed it away with his thumb.
Her voice was barely over a whisper. "Because of stuff like that. . .when you look at me I just. . .it makes me feel so. . .just every time I'm around you I feel. . ."
"What?"
"I don't know. I just know that I love you. Still. And I'm kidding myself if I think I can stop."
He moved his hands up to her face, and there eyes were fixed on each other for a moment. Then, he slowly leaned in and kissed her.
Maybe tonight
It's
gonna be all right
I will get better
Maybe today
It's gonna
be ok
I will remember
I held the pieces of my soul
I was
shattered
And I wanted you to come and make me whole
Duh, it's not gonna stop here. I love cliffhangers. : ) Anyway, those are PART of the lyrics from Vertical Horizon's "I'm Still Here." Not all of them, but some. REVIEW and I'll update faster : )
