Semiautomatic Mix Tape
Chapter II: Empty Apartment
A/N: I still don't own Degrassi. And I don't own Empty Apartment (Yellowcard).
Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is
It's crazy, the way things seem to change in one year... twelve months... three hundred sixty-five days... you get my drift. It's even crazier, though, how your life can change in just one day by one thing one person says to you. I didn't believe her when she told me. I mean, there was no way that could've happened. Here we are, the smartest most responsible girl in our school, and I, the so-called immature kid... and we're having a kid. The whole thing was just so surreal. I remember getting that job at the pharmacy. Sure, I couldn't take care of myself (I still can't), and sure, I probably couldn't take care of a kid, but I had to. I don't want to say I was stuck with her, because I loved her, I really did, it's just that... well... I was stuck in a way. There was no way in hell I was gonna be like my dad though, that wasn't happening. I think my fear of turning into my dad was what really kept me with her.
Now that I think about that, I did end up like my dad; a dealer. Yeah, what do you know, I was an "accident" baby, the product of a one-night stand. I'm an orphan now, even. I did mention that I was a dealer, but I just couldn't do it. I was too much like him. I didn't want to... I didn't want to do the same things he did. I figured it wasn't gonna happen to me, so I kept going to the ravine, I kept selling those drugs. We were gonna have the perfect family, even if I was doing some bad stuff just to support everyone. And then everything changed. I overdosed on some drugs... just like my dad did. It was a real wake up call when I was in the hospital, you know? I mean, what if I had died? I would've left her behind... she probably would've become a junkie like my mom did. My kid didn't need to deal with that. So I gave up dealing. I know a lot of people weren't happy with it, but come on; the ravine is like the grocery store for drug dealers and users.
Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is
Look at me now, I'm single and alone. After I gave up dealing, things got better. I couldn't work at the pharmacy anymore, of course, but I got by on odd jobs. Odd legal jobs, might I add. Things were going really good for us minus the occasional arguments. You could say that every couple has them, but something about ours was different. There always seemed to be some extra hatred to ours. For every good thing I did, she always had a negative. I would get a job, bring in some money, and she would always say something mentioning my past. There was also that whole issue with the baby. After I overdosed, she just decided to give it away... just like that. One mistake and bang, no more happy family. I really didn't know what to do, but I stuck it out with her. I figured I could change her mind. I didn't, and she had the baby, and now our kid is off in British Columbia somewhere.
I realize now that the baby was the only thing keeping us together. After it was born, and she gave it away, everything fell apart for us. She moved out of the apartment and back in with her family. I stayed there for a little while. I figured, if some other people in our school had lived on their own before, why couldn't I? Now I know why. They were on that student loan deal, or whatever it was. They said I couldn't have it because I worked. Between car payments and rent, something had to go, and it sure as hell wasn't gonna be my car. And here I am now, back home with my grandmother's house looking through a photo album.
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
As I flipped through the album, I smiled at the old memories. There was a picture of me and my three best friends the summer before we started eighth grade. I was wearing a hat, and my arm was around the girl who I always wanted but never got a good chance with. We went out... for a short time. A really short time. I always thought we would have something more than what we ended up with. A date to the dance, a few good make out sessions, and then she leaves me for the idiot who played in a band. I shook my head and turned the page. There was another picture, just the two of us, right before that dance I had asked her to. I sighed and sat back on my bed. I laughed thinking about what few times we had together and looked at the next page. It was two of my best friends from back in the day. And what do you know, they've both become sluts. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised though. They're best friends, if one changed, the other one was probably soon to follow.
Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is
My grandmother came to the door and knocked, telling me that I had a visitor. I got up and answered the door, expecting it to be a friend of mine with a new video game. Or maybe even his sister, going on about school and how she misses me and wants to try again. It wasn't her; it was the girl whose picture I had just been looking at. My grandmother gave me a dirty look, obviously she had found out about what had happened the last time this girl had been in my room, and left, slamming the door behind her.
"Hey..." she smiled at me nervously.
"Hi, what's up?"
"Nothing. I'm um... I was just walking and um... I was around here and um..."
"You thought you'd stop by?"
"Yeah. You weren't um... looking at any porn websites again were you?" She nodded towards my computer.
I laughed. "Not since that time when we got caught by his parents."
"Really?" She raised her eyebrows.
"Well, I don't count that nice little video you made as porn since it's not really on the internet. But who knows, you did say you were gonna be famous."
"Hey! Hey! I was drunk, give me a break."
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
She smiled at me again and looked over by my closet. A dusty acoustic guitar was propped up against the wall. She looked back at me and looked at the guitar again. I went over to the wall, grabbed my guitar and sat down on the bed. I smiled and waited for her to sit next to me.
"Guitar? Since when?"
"I dunno... I was never that good at it."
"You know, he played guitar. And now look where he is."
"I know he played guitar. Everyone knows that."
"You could get famous, just like him!"
"Quit," I glared at her. "Do you always have to compare me to him?"
"I don't..." She frowned. "Okay, maybe I do, but I always did like you better."
"Right..."
"Come on, I've known you forever. You were just the loser who told bad jokes. He was older and more--"
"More what?"
"Nothing, forget it. Maybe I did compare you to him, but I want you."
"You only want me because he's not here."
It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend
I looked at her and waited for her to respond. When she didn't say anything, I looked down at my guitar and strummed it, trying to remember a few of the notes I had learned. Nothing was coming to mind, and she wasn't helping me any. I set the guitar down and looked over at her. She was staring at the photo album looking at the picture of us before the dance. I noticed her smile. It was sad; I almost believed for a minute that maybe she was sincere about wanting me. Though my inner pessimist was telling me that she was just desperate to get laid.
"We looked so young there..." She pointed at the picture. "I miss it."
"It was only two years ago, and what's there to miss?"
"We looked cute together. So young and innocent."
"Innocent," I laughed in spite of myself. "Yeah, okay, you were innocent."
"Whatever, don't you miss it?"
"Miss what?"
"I don't know... nevermind. I'm sorry I came over here."
She stood up to leave. I watched her go to the door and open it before I finally bothered to say something.
"Hey! Hey wait!"
"What is it?"
"I miss it too, I always have."
"Then why didn't you do something about it?"
"You had your rock star I got stuck with a kid."
"And now what do we have? Nothing... each other?" She looked at me hopefully.
"I... I guess... maybe. Do you want to?"
"Be my rock star." She smiled at me.
"Fine... I will."
"Great. Hey though, I really should get going, you know how my dad's been lately."
"Yeah, I can imagine..."
"So hey, I'll call you? We can meet up somewhere later."
"Sure... sounds good. I'll see you later then."
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
I smiled slightly and lay back on my bed. I looked over at the album and noticed that the picture of us was gone. She took it, of course. I shook my head. 'Well, I guess that's one more thing I'm gonna have to get from her tonight. Not that it matters, having her back is good enough.'
It's okay
It's okay
