Chapter Four: What Hurts the Most
Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy, because if I did, Addison would be gone.
Thanks for all the great reviews, guys!
"Pregnant?" Derek stuttered, breaking the silence that had set over them. "Are you sure?"
"Like I said. . .I took the test."
"But you have to be sure." The words came tumbling out in his panic. "You have to go to a real doctor."
Addison stared at him. He was not happy. "Derek. . ."
"I can't believe this. . ." He muttered to himself.
XXXXXXXX
Meredith stood outside Finn's office the next morning. She had woken up with the unexplainable urge to get this over with. She didn't want to go to work and see Derek with any bit of guilt.
She walked inside. He hadn't opened yet, and was rummaging around at the front desk. "Morning." She said.
He looked up and broke into a smile. "Hey! This is a surprise." He put down his papers. "What's up?"
She didn't smile. This was the part she hated. "We need to talk." Way to go, Mer. Brilliant. The oldest introduction to a break up ever.
Finn picked up on it, of course. His face immediately went serious. "I was kinda afraid of that."
"I just. . .I like you a lot. You're a really great guy. I'm just. . .not ready for. . ."
"It's Shepard, right?"
She looked at him guiltily. "I'm sorry."
"I kind of thought so." He exhaled slowly.
XXXXXXXX
Meredith went to the hospital, glad to have the break up over with. She was feeling bad about Finn; but the bigger part of her was happy. It seemed she was finally going to get what she wanted.
She saw Derek in the hallway and smiled. "Hey."
"Hi." He looked distracted. Different from last night.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah."
She studied him. He still wasn't smiling. "Well, listen, I saw Finn this morning. I broke up with him."
"You did?" He looked surprised.
"Yeah, I just. . .I wanted to get it over with." She paused, confused by his silence, by the complete change in his demeanor. Finally, she said awkwardly, "I guess you haven't had a chance to talk to Addison. . ."
"No. Not yet." He stared at her. He felt like something was crushing him. What the hell was he supposed to say to Meredith. Nothing yet. Addison was going to get a real test today. He wanted to be sure. "Listen, I have surgery to get to. Meet me tonight when your shift's over and we can talk." He forced a smile.
She wasn't fooled by that fake smile like Addison was. "Derek, what's wrong?"
"Nothing. Look, it's no big deal." He took her hand and squeezed it reassuringly. "I'll see you later, okay?" He could see the confusion in her eyes, but he didn't know what else to say.
"Okay."
XXXXXXX
Derek found Addison later that afternoon. "Did you take the test?"
"Yeah, I took it."
Derek stared at her. "Well!"
She looked into his eyes. He wanted her to say no. She could see it. She felt a surge of anger. What kind of reaction was that to a pregnancy.
"Sorry to disappoint you." She said coolly. "But it's true."
His face fell.
"You're not even trying to hide it, are you?" She said, her words dripping with anger and hurt.
"What?" He muttered.
"Your disappointment."
"You said so yourself, Addison. . . it feels like it's coming at the wrong time." He sighed. "What do we do now?"
"What is there to do at this point?"
Derek stared her, realizing that she was right.
XXXXXXXX
Meredith was waiting for him when his shift was over. She was sitting in one of the chairs in the lobby (whatever that area is where Addison showed up) and he walked toward her.
She smiled uncertainly. "You in a better mood now?"
"Not really." He said heavily. He sat in the chair next to her and took her hand, looking into her eyes. "I'm sorry."
Meredith's heart began to pound, fearfully. His expression was dead, and at that moment she would have given anything to see that happiness she'd seen last night; given anything to feel that safe feeling she'd felt last night in his arms. Because right now, the fear was setting in.
"What happened?"
"I started to talk to Addison."
Meredith waited for more. Finally, she said, "She. . .she won't give you the divorce?" She knew that whatever was bothering him was far more serious than this, but she wanted to believe it wasn't.
"We. . .we never actually got to the part about the divorce." He looked at her, his expression pained. "She. . ." He trailed off.
The silence went on so long, the only sound the rain that had begun to pour outside, that she finally whispered, "Derek."
"She's pregnant." He said.
Meredith stared at him in shock. Her heart was pounding in her ears. She couldn't believe that. "No. . .she can't. . ."
"She is. I. . .I'm so sorry, Mer."
She pulled her hand from his, feeling numb.
"This is so not what I wanted-"
"Shut up." She said softly. "Just stop it."
His words from last night repeated themselves in her head.
I hate knowing I hurt you, and I don't plan on doing it again.
She's pregnant.
I'm so sorry.
Meredith stood up. She could see him staring at her. She felt sick. He was talking, "Mer, you have no idea how much this kills me but. . .I can't abandon my kid. I can't. It's not my fault-"
"Not your fault?" She repeated flatly. "Not your fault? It's your fault you've been with her this long! It's your fault you chose her!"
"Mer. . ." He stood up, coming closer, but she backed away. "I love-"
"Don't!" Her voice rose. Alex, who was just entering the lobby, stopped and stared. "Don't say that to me. Just leave me alone."
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
She turned and left the hospital, standing in the rain. She told herself she wasn't going to cry over him, not again, but she'd barely finished the thought when the tears came, hard and fast.
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
She headed across the street toward Joe's. She burst inside, her face streaked with tears, and sat at the bar. Joe took one look at her, "Uh-oh."
"You know the drill by now." She choked out. Joe didn't ask questions.
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
They were so close. After all the shit they'd been through, they had been almost there. It was so unfair Meredith felt like dying.
What hurts the most
Was being so close
So it became another night of shots and tears. She couldn't stop the tears from falling, and she didn't want to stop drinking. She wanted to be numb.
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
He was gone. Again. She'd been so stupid to trust him, to trust that this could happen.
What killed her was that they could have been happy. They'd almost been happy.
And never knowing
What could have been
She kept the drinks coming. She almost expected him to come inside, to having followed her. She almost wanted him to.
He didn't.
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
"Meredith." She turned. It was Christina.
"Alex said you and McDreamy had a fight." She sat next to her. "What happened."
Meredith opened her mouth, wanting some smartass comment about Addison or Derek to shoot out. Instead, she started sobbing.
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
"Mer. . . " Christina stared at her sympathetically, and after a moment of debate, put her arm around her. "He's not worth all this."
Meredith spoke through her sobs. "Yeah, he is."
XXXXXX
Derek hadn't moved from the chair. He sat there, fighting the bitter tears filling his eyes. He had wanted to say more, but there wasn't anything he could say. This was just one of those situations where nothing you said could make any difference.
He understood now what Meredith meant about being helpless.
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
He and Addison were having a baby. And he was never going to be happy about it. He was stuck.
He would spend his life resenting her. What kind of father would he be, when Addison's pregnancy had ruined the best thing in his life?
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
He wanted to go back in time. He wanted to pick Meredith, or at least not hold on to a dead marriage for as long as he had. He wanted to go back just as far as last night, at the dock, and stay there forever.
When he was happy.
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
He had a good idea where she had gone. He had to make her understand. He couldn't leave it like this.
What hurts the most
Is being so close
Izzie had joined Christina and Meredith at the bar. They were sitting on either side of Meredith. She had gotten as far as to tell them that Addison was pregnant before she couldn't keep going.
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
She couldn't stop thinking about Derek's words about not wanting to hurt again. Deep down, she knew this wasn't his fault. She knew he wasn't the kind of guy who could walk away from his pregnant wife.
She knew that.
But it didn't make it hurt any less.
And never knowing
What could have been
Life was cruel sometimes.
She kept drinking but it didn't stop hurting.
Izzie and Christina were saying soothing things. She couldn't be bothered to hear them. All she heard was Derek's voice in her head.
She wiped her face, but it didn't matter. New tears kept coming.
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
"Meredith."
Christina and Izzie turned.
She couldn't tell if Derek's voice was real or in her head. She looked behind her. There he was. She turned back around.
"I just need to talk to her."
Christina stood up. "No, you don't. You need to leave her alone." Her voice was firm and dripping with resentment. "You've done enough. Just let it go."
What hurts the most
Is being so close
"She needs to understand."
"No, you need to understand-"
"It's okay." Meredith said. Her voice sounded unfamiliar even to her. She turned toward him.
His heart nearly broke to see her hurting like that. "Meredith. . ."
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
"Just don't talk, okay? I get that your wife's pregnant and you understand you made a mistake. Fine. I made a mistake, too. I made the mistake of thinking things would somehow be different this time."
"Mer-"
"I said not to talk. I'm done, Derek. With all this. We're not friends, we're not dating. . .we're not anything. So just do me a favor and leave me alone."
She turned back around, pressing her lips together to keep herself from bawling right in front of him.
And never knowing
What could have been
He leaned close to her, and he put a hand on her back. She stiffened, closing her eyes. Why couldn't he just go away? "I love you." He whispered, a catch in his voice.
Without turning, she answered, "You can't."
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
He backed up. He looked from Izzie to Christina. He got the hint. He turned around and left. "Bye, Meredith."
After he was gone, Meredith pressed her hands to her face.
Christina gently pulled her up. "C'mon, Mer, let's get you home."
She didn't protest. She couldn't.
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
XXXXXXXX
The next morning, Christina and Izzie were filling Alex in on what was happening with Meredith. George was listening while pretending he wasn't.
"That sucks." Alex said, shaking his head.
"Yeah, it does."
Bailey came in. "Alright, everybody ready to go?"
"Meredith's sick." Izzie said quickly. George made a skeptical noise and Christina smacked the back of his head when Bailey wasn't looking."
"Sick?" Bailey raised her eyebrows. "What kind of sick?"
"I think it's the 24 hour virus thing." Izzie said casually. "She should be back tomorrow."
"Alright."
XXXXXXX
As they headed off to their assignments, Derek was waiting outside the locker room. Christina and Izzie pushed past him, and he knew better than to ask George about Meredith. He descended on Alex.
"Morning Dr. Karev."
Alex stared at him without answering.
"Is Dr. Grey here?"
"Dr. Grey?" Alex repeated mockingly. "Why do you care?"
"I just needed to talk to her."
"Go talk to your wife." Alex pushed past him and Derek stared.
Bailey came out then. "Dr. Bailey!"
"Yeah?"
"Is Meredith here?"
"No, she's home sick. Why?" The last question was suspicious. She studied him. "Should've known this had something to do with you. What'd you do now?"
"Never mind." He turned around, depressed, and walked off.
XXXXXXX
Meredith was back at work the next day, but she avoided Derek. When he tried to talk to her she ignored him. Bailey seemed to understand something was wrong, because she didn't assign Meredith to Derek or Addison all week.
It had been a week since Addison had told him the news. Derek had been cold and distant to her. He moped around and sulked and pouted and it was not enjoyable.
One night, they were sitting in the trailer, Addison in bed and Derek sitting in a chair as far away as he could. The whole evening had been silent, until he asked flatly, "Are you going to make a doctor's appointment?"
Addison looked up, startled. "Yeah."
"What the hell's keeping you?"
She stared at him, then all of sudden she was crying.
He looked at her without sympathy. He had lost the ability to feel sorry for anyone but himself. And Meredith.
"What?" He asked finally, simply because it was required.
"Derek. . .please don't. . .don't hate me."
"What are you talking about?"
"I did something. . ."
His voice changed from disinterest at this statement. "What?"
"I know it's a horrible thing but. . .you were just so upset about it, and I knew when you came home that you were about to end it. . ."
"Addison."
Her voice was barely audible. "I lied."
"You lied?"
"The first test. . .it was real. It was positive. And when I told you. . .I knew you had come home that night to tell me you wanted a divorce I could see it, and I just couldn't. . ."
"What the hell are you saying?"
"The first test was real. But when I went to the doctor. . .they said it was a false positive. . .but I just. . .I knew if I told you that you would leave and I just couldn't. . ."
Derek was staring at her in shock. "You bitch!"
She looked up at him helplessly.
"What the hell kind of person does that?"
"Well, I was right, wasn't I! You wanted to end it!"
"Yes! You're right! I wanted to end it because it needed to end! I'm still in love with Meredith, and that's not going to go away no matter how hard I tried to make this work! I didn't think it was fair to you! And then you go and pull shit like this. . ."
"I'm sorry. . ."
"That doesn't make it better!" He glared at her. "You might want to get in touch with your lawyer. This is over. Officially. It's been over for longer than that."
He stormed out, slamming the door behind him. His heart was hammering in his chest. He had to see Meredith. He didn't know if she'd listen to him this time. . .but he had to try.
He went to her house and rang the doorbell. No one answered. He rang again. And another time. And one more after that.
Finally, Izzie opened the door. "Can't you take a hint."
"I have to see her."
"You better go." The kindness that was normally in her eyes was gone.
"Dr. Stevens, you don't understand-"
"You're right, I don't. I don't understand why you can't just leave her alone. Don't you get that you're making it worse?"
"I understand that, but this is different. She has to hear this, she'd want to-"
"Is there a problem?" Alex stepped up behind Izzie. (Just to let you know, in my universe Alex and Izzie are close to getting back together, but we haven't been seeing there part of the story, only MerDers. So just go with it).
"I have to see Meredith." He repeated.
"I can handle this, Iz." Alex told her, and she backed up slightly. "You need to go." His voice was forceful.
"Look, Dr. Karev. . .I get why you all hate me. You should hate me, really. But Meredith would want to hear this."
"I doubt she wants to hear anything you've got to say now." He started to close the door but Derek stepped against it to stop it form closing.
Desperately he blurted out, "Addison's not pregnant."
Alex stopped closing the door. Izzie came closer, a look of skepticism on her face.
"She lied. She's not pregnant. Please let me just talk to Meredith."
Izzie and Alex looked at each other. Finally, they stepped back. "She's in her room."
He nodded gratefully and headed upstairs.
XXXXXXXX
Meredith was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling.
There was a knock on her door. She sighed. "It's open, you guys." She was growing tired of Alex or Izzie or Christina constantly coming by to check on her. She always said she was okay, and none of them believed them, but there wasn't anything else she could say. She was sick of lying.
Was it really lying, though? She was giving them the answer they expected, and none of them expected her to be honest.
She kept her eyes closed as footsteps approached. Then she felt a hand rest on hers and chills ran down her spine.
She opened her eyes and stared at him. "God, Derek, how many times do I have to-"
"Shut up." He said gently. "Let me talk, okay?"
"I don't-"
"Addison's not pregnant." He said in a rush. Meredith froze in mid sentence. "She lied, Meredith. She's not pregnant."
Meredith looked at him, disbelieving. "Seriously?"
"Seriously." He smiled at her.
She didn't smile back. "So. . ."
"We're getting a divorce."
"Oh."
"And we're okay now, Mer." He leaned in to kiss her, but she pulled back.
"You really think we're okay?"
He looked at her in surprise. "Yeah, I mean. . .what's. . ."
"That's twice now, Derek. Twice I've had my heart broken because of you. Twice I've trusted you."
"Mer, come on! She lied! I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you, but-"
"I'm really getting sick of hearing you say that."
He spoke desperately, "But I didn't! You understand, right? I couldn't just leave her if she was having my kid! I didn't want to stay with her, but I thought-"
"Derek, I know it wasn't your fault. I know you didn't mean to. "
"Then. . .then what is it?" She didn't answer, she just closed her eyes, fighting the all too familiar tears. "I don't want to hurt you. I won't-"
"You wont' do it again?" She finished his sentence bitterly. "For some reason that doesn't make me feel better."
He stared at her, his eyes full of pain. "I don't get it. A few days ago, you wanted this-"
"Right. A few days ago I believed you." She couldn't look at him. "Derek, every time we get close to getting together, something pulls us apart, and somehow it's me who ends up getting clobbered." She put her hands on his chest, talking against the lump in her throat. "I can't go through that again. And I know you never mean to hurt me but. . .that doesn't make it any better."
He was quiet for a few moments. Then, he told her earnestly, "You're right. Something always pulls us apart. But every time we've been pulled apart, something's happened to give us another chance. Just. . . just look at it that way! You have to keep believing that this. . .this is meant to happen."
She stared up at him through a window of tears. "I don't know if I can."
And what hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin so much to say
And watchin you walk away
And never knowin
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin to do
Okay, so you guys called it: Addison was faking. That was my idea the whole time, and most of you called it. Anyway, I'll update faster if everyone reviews (once again, I love the long ones, but anything's great lol). By the way, the lyrics used are "What Hurts the Most" by the Rascal Flatts for anyone who didn't know that. I don't generally like country music, but this song's pretty good, and has always made me think of Meredith right after Derek picked Addison (shudder). Anyway, check it out, cuz it's pretty good. Plz review!
