Semiautomatic Mix Tape

Chapter IV: Grey Matter

A/N: I don't own anything! Though I may end up owning a car soon! (Grey Matter-- Finch)


Bite the tongue
To live with what you've done
It's so good, it's so good,
Lie to myself while I lie with myself
It's Monday and it's raining
It's Sunday in the sun
It's so good, but...

I saw her when she first walked in, pulling down her hood and saying something about how the rain was going to mess up her hair. She was there with her friend who was still in her work uniform. I considered them lucky; it was nearing ten thirty and I was still working. She glanced over at me and smiled, making sure no one saw her do it. I returned the smile half-heartedly and turned my attention to the cup I was filling up. I looked over at their table, hoping someone else would go over to them. It was just my luck that the only other person waiting tables was talking to our manager. She (our manager) looked over at me expectantly. I heaved a sigh and carefully approached the table.

"Oh, you should've seen the look he had when I called him a stalker." I heard her saying loudly, bragging even.
"I was there..." Came her friend's reply.
"No no, I meant the first time. Honestly, I scared him knocking on the window." She paused. "He just doesn't get it, does he?"
"Hmm? Oh... I guess not."
"I would never take him back if I were you."

I knew who they were talking about, and I didn't want to hear it. I cleared my throat loudly. I smiled at them and held up a pad and a pencil. She spun around and smiled at me again. Her friend just looked me, emotionless. It wasn't that she didn't like me, I mean; I guess you could say we were friends... partners in crime, really. There's no point in reliving everything. We made a mistake and now we're all repaying for it... I know I am, anyway.

"Hey ladies, what can I get for you?" I starting going through the regular routine. Smile, take the order, serve them, give the bill, get paid, and repeat.
"Just a salad... and a small diet coke." Of course she would order the diet meal. She never could get over her self-confidence issues, even though I always tried to help her with it when we were together.
"Well unlike the princess here, I'll take some real food. A burger, medium fries, and a medium coke... not diet."
I nodded and took their orders. "Coming right up."

Would it be so bad if you were to pretend that you were so happy?
Keep it to yourself
Don't let the secret go
If you were so willing, but...

I was slouching behind the counter, staring over at their table. They seemed to be arguing about something, but I wasn't sure what it was it was. I also figured that I didn't want to know. I looked around; trying to focus on other customers, but it was almost empty, considering that the place was closing in about another hour. Someone tapped me on the shoulder. I stood up and noticed that their food was ready. I picked up the tray and headed over to their table, hoping that this time I wasn't going to be interrupting anything.

"Well fine!" Her friend stood up, shouting. "You know what; just forget about me staying at your house tonight. I'm gone."
"You can't go home..."
"So I'll go to his place. At least he isn't trying to control my life for me."
"I'm not--"

She stopped talking and looked defeated as her friend stormed out. I set the tray down and sat across from her. She glared at me and I started to stand up. She reached for my hand and pulled me back down. I looked at her, confused, and pushed the hamburger towards her.

"Eat, you look tired."
She ignored me and reached for the salad. "I work..."
"So do I, every day after school and all day on the weekends."
"Shouldn't you be spending some time studying? I mean, you're already behind one year." Leave it to her to bring that up.
"I need to... get back to work."
"There's no one else here."
"Still, do you not see my manager there? I gotta go."

Let's pray for this suicide
And all these pictures falling down around me
I've surrounded myself with all I have inside

"Ohh, you heartbreaker, look at her sitting there all sad." One of my co-workers laughed and nudged me.
"Not like it matters."
"Well aren't you the little optimist."
I turned my back to the counter to look at my friend. "You don't get it."
"I get it enough to know that you're scared."
"Scared?" I laughed nervously. "Scared of what?"
"I know what you did; my sister came home and told me."
"Who's your sister?"
"Doubt you know her; some little grade nine."
"Oooh, a grade nine knows what I did. How is that scary?"
"You think she hates you."

I shook my head, trying to say that he was wrong. Of course it was all truth. I know she hates me. Sure, she was smiling at me just now, but it was probably an act. And even if she doesn't hate me, I know she's never gonna look at me the same way. When I went out with her, I was like... Wolverine, you know, one of the X-Men. It was like, I could do anything and she still saw me as a hero. Then I fucked around with a girl (hmm... sounds a lot like a few of my friends, doesn't it?) and it changed a little. She was mad, but she got over it eventually. And then everyone found out I was responsible for everything. My whole life just sort of stopped.

Would I bite my tongue and live with what you've done?
Just continue sleeping?
Selfishly consumed with everything you've wrought
There's nothing I can do, but...

I didn't see the point in anything. I didn't have anyone, not even my family. They basically disowned me; my dad called me a disgrace. I think that's why I'm so into my work. It's not because I really like what I'm doing, but because it was an escape from everything. I had been alone, but then things got better. Work was alright, I was getting good pay. They even let me come back to school! I was a year behind now, but it worked to my advantage. I ended up meeting a girl... I ended up changing my life. There was this sort of weird religious club thing. I wasn't so into this church deal, but I did it for her. It wasn't so bad; it really made me feel better about myself. If Jesus could forgive me, so could everyone else.

After that, I was definitely a lot more confident. My family wasn't so distant anymore, and I had even managed to regain one of my old friends. Of course, I was nowhere near where I was before everything had happened, but it was a start. Right now, I want nothing more than for things to return to the way they were. I mean, he'll never be able to walk again, but I want everything to be as close to those times as possible. Meaning that all my old friends would be my friends again.

Let's pray for this suicide
And all these pictures falling down
One wish full, step to the side
And please just let me know

"You know I'm right." He said, shaking my thoughts.
"No, she doesn't hate me. I don't think she does."
"Okay... sure..."
"She doesn't. It's just that... I'm never gonna be good enough for her."
He laughed a little. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that no matter what I do it's never gonna work. We can get back together, and I'm never gonna be anything to her. I'll always mess it up so it won't work."
"You mean it won't work because you won't let it."
"What do you mean, dude?"
"You think she hates you, therefore you won't try anything so it's never gonna happen."
"Fuck you; you don't know anything about this."
"I know that there's a girl standing behind you who would probably take you back if you just asked her."

I stood there, mouth open, not believing what he just said. He was lying to me, I knew it. There was pretty much no way that she was standing behind me. I looked at him and just smirked at me. He said something about doing some dishes (I wasn't really listening) and headed into the back room. I continued to stand there with my back to the counter, hoping she would just leave. She cleared her throat and poked me on the shoulder. I turned around and looked at her.

"Anything else I can get for you?"
"Yeah... I'd like to go out with you again."
"So... so you heard it? You heard everything?"
"I heard the parts that mattered." I guess she saw how nervous I looked, because what she said next calmed me down. "I don't hate you, I never could. And you are good enough for me. I've never had anyone as great as you."
"Well um... don't worry about the bill, you know? I'll pay for it."
"I still need some service..."
"Yes?"
"Sit with me?"
"Of course."

She sat there looking nervous as I helped myself to some of the fries. I offered her a handful, which she declined. I stood up and walked around the table so I was standing directly in front of her. I bent down so we were at eye level and I stared at her. She looked back at me, and just looking into her eyes told me that I had been wrong the whole time. There was no way she could've ever hated me. And if she ever had, she definitely didn't now. I spoke again.

"What's wrong? You're not eating."
"I need to find her."
"Huh? Oh... why?"
"I'm worried about her; about what he might do."
"Come on, he's an idiot, but I know he wouldn't do anything stupid to her."
"Then help me find her."
"Fine, I will."

Are you happy? I'll decide.
These stories are so old, how they match your eyes.
Are you happy? I'll decide.
These stories are so old, how they match your eyes.
Are you happy? I'll decide.
These stories are so old, how they match your eyes.
But...

We started driving, going down every bad street we found. We even went past the mall a few times. I thought this was stupid. She obviously didn't want to be found, so what was the point? I sure as hell wasn't gonna say that out loud though. I think she could tell I was mad about things though, because she placed her hand on my shoulder and just looked at me. I sighed and started driving in a new direction. I wasn't really paying attention to where we were going until I ended up in an almost empty parking lot. There was one car out there, and two people weren't very far from it standing under the one area that couldn't be touched by the rain. She sat up and leaned forward, squinting.

"It's them!" She exclaimed.
"No it's not. That's not his car."
"Oh, then who is it?"
"I don't know or care, and it's not any of your business."
"Come on!" She pushed open the car door, letting the rain come in. "Let's go look for her."

I got out and ran after her reluctantly. We ran around the park in a different direction, not wanting to see whoever it was standing in the picnic area. I stopped suddenly, making her stop. I could tell those two voices right away.

"I'm sorry."
"Shut up, way to ruin the moment."
"Take me back, or I might be forced to do something gay like serenade you."
"You would serenade me, in a park?"
"Sure, why not?"
"You're crazy."
"Take me back..."

We both looked at each other. It was obvious who was arguing. I moved to get closer, to talk to them, but she pulled me back and shook her head. Instead, she pulled me into a small alcove of trees where we could hear them better.

"You're the most persistent..."
"So is that a yes?"
"Of course. Hey, let's just stay out here all night."

There was a loud gasping sound next to me. I looked at her and raised my eyebrows. She covered her mouth and started to back up a little. That wasn't going to help any; I was sure they had heard her. And if they hadn't heard her, well then we were lucky. I started to back up with her when I stepped on something soft.

"Ah, fuck!" Someone, I couldn't tell who, shouted.
"What the...?" I stood there, confused.

She screamed. As if gasping weren't loud enough, she had to go and scream. I could hear the footsteps coming from all directions. Now I was confused. There were only four people in the park not counting ourselves. Well, five if you count mystery stalker in the trees. Speaking of mystery stalker, he started running off in a different direction, but I had a feeling he wasn't going to get very far. The footsteps got closer, but I couldn't tell who it was. I stepped forward and ended up face to face with someone who I definitely hadn't planned on running into. Tonight was going to be one hell of a night.

Let's pray for this suicide
And all these pictures falling down
One wish full, step to the side
And pick these pictures from the ground that surround me