Chapter Five Trust Me
Hey guys. This isn't really the most eventful chapter, but I think the next one I post will be the last one, and this stuff really needed to be said. I wanted to kind of focus on everyone's thoughts, etc, and especially on the MerDer conversation. It's short, but I still like it. It was needed to kind of set up the finale, which I'll post sometime tomorrow (Today, really, depending on where you are. . .it's like 2 a.m. for me, which may explain the shortness) Anyway, as always, reviews make me post. Ya'll have been great so far!
"Get off me, you perv!"
"I can't hear anything from there."
"Well, you're touching me."
"You shouldn't have called her!"
Izzie and Alex had just been joined by Christina and they were crowded outside Meredith's bedroom door, trying to listen to what was happening.
"Ten bucks says she tells him to go to hell?"
"Seriously, Meredith? Twenty says they're about to have sex."
"Fifty says-"
"Sssshhhh, someone's coming. . ."
They hurried back out of the door, turning in opposite directions trying to look casual.
Derek came out, closing the door behind him. He didn't look at anyone, just walked straight down the stairs.
"Uh oh." Izzie said.
"Damn." That was Alex.
"Meredith." Izzie said to Christina, who nodded.
They walked in. Alex hesitated, then followed.
Meredith was lying on her bed staring up at the ceiling. She heard them come in and sat up, hands out in defense. "Before you start I really don't want to talk about it."
Meredith was about sick of all this. She was sick of being the person everyone felt sorry for, the person everyone tiptoed around and said soothing things, all the while she had the feeling they were becoming tired of it all.
She was sick of being miserable without Derek, but feeling too afraid to get back with him. She didn't want to love him anymore. . .it was too hard.
But of course there was nothing to be done about that.
Izzie's voice was soft; the voice she always used when she wanted Meredith to open up. The soothing, 'it's-going-to-be-okay' voice. "Mer, what happened? Wasn't that good news?"
Meredith didn't answer. She was too busy focusing on a spot on the bedspread. She was sick of crying, sick of the endless stream of tears that wouldn't stop coming because of him. She'd felt like she was constantly on the verge of tears for the past week. . .when she wasn't actually crying.
"C'mon, Mer." Christina said, her tone surprisingly gentle. "What did you tell him?"
She squeezed her eyelids shut. When Christina talked like that. . .she knew it had to be bad. She wanted to answer. . .to say something casual and calm, but she was afraid if she'd talk she would break into sobs. It was happening a lot lately.
Why did Meredith always feel like she was the one making mistakes? Just the way he looked at her. . .he made her feel guilty. Him! If anyone was guilty, it was Derek. But Meredith wasn't angry with him. She was angry at fate, at life, at circumstance, and a little at herself.
Flashback
She stared up at him through a window of tears. "I don't know if I can."
He stared at her for awhile, like he couldn't quite figure out what to say to her. His eyes were full of hurt, and she hated seeing them. Somehow, it didn't matter how much pain he'd caused her. . .she felt guilty as hell.
"What can I do?" He asked pleadingly.
She looked away. If she had to see in that in his eyes anymore she would break down, she would tell him he didn't have to do anything, and they should try to make it work. Again.
"I don't know if there's anything you can do. It's not you, Derek, it's. . .everything. I'm scared."
He was shaking his head.
She looked at him. "You don't understand, do you?"
His voice was strained. "No. I don't understand why you won't let yourself be happy. You say you don't want to get hurt again but . .I don't know about you, but it hurts me to be without you."
She couldn't resist saying bitterly, "Well you were clearly okay with it for a long time."
He looked stung and she hated that. It was true, wasn't it? Tears brimmed in her eyes and she gritted her teeth. She hated crying in front of him.
Finally, he said, "I don't. . .weren't you. . ." He paused, as though he couldn't put his thoughts into words. "Weren't you okay with that a few days ago? Not okay, but. . .you were ready to move on from it. Forgive me."
"Yeah, and look where it got me. I put myself out there again-"
"What the hell did you want me to do? Addison lied, and I thought we were having a kid! You wanted me to abandon-"
"I already said it wasn't specifically about you!" Her voice was shaking in anger and frustration. Her eyes were beginning to sting from all the tears she was attempting to hold back, and it felt like she was crying blood rather then tears.
"What do you think? You really think something else is going to happen? You think I have another wife? You think Addison's going to lie again? You're just looking for a reason for this not to happen!"
Meredith stared at him in anger. "You don't know me at all, do you? I don't need a reason for this not to happen! I don't even know why I bother to explain things to you. You don't get it, you don't even try-"
"I'm trying! Damn it, Meredith, I love you."
"And what, now it's enough for you? It didn't used to be, did it? It's only enough when it's convenient for you!"
"So it's not enough for you? What else is there?" His voice was quieter now, desperate almost.
"Fear." Her voice cracked but she kept talking. "I'm so damn scared, Derek, at how much I. . .how much it hurts when something happens with us. And I know, you don't want to hurt me, and I should trust you. . .but last time I believed you and something happened all over again, and whether it was your fault or not. . ." She paused, the anger draining out of her the more she spoke. ". . .it's still killing me. And I don't know if I'm ready to take that risk again. It's too soon, Derek. I don't think I can take it again."
The anger seemed to have left him, too. He now spoke with a sort of quiet desperation, a pleading that was almost worse for her to hear.
"Please, Meredith. Please." He took her hands, and she stared at the bedspread again. "Look at me." He tilted her face up to look at him. Tears were rolling slowly down her cheeks. "I know you've been through a lot of shit because of me. I know you're hurting. Please. You have to take it on faith-"
"I don't have faith anymore." Her voice shook violently.
It was his turn to look away. Then he told her, "Just let me make you better. Let us be happy. It's about time we were."
She wanted so much to say yes, to fall into his arms and feel protected and safe. But she couldn't imagine being safe anymore.
"This would be so much better if you hadn't said the same stuff a week ago."
"I can't change that, Meredith. I wish I could."
She stared up at him. "I know you do. But. ..I can't change how I feel. It's too soon."
He didn't answer for awhile, just stared past her intensely, as though he was looking at something much more specific than a wall. Finally, he replied, "So what? I'm just supposed to wait?"
"I did." She whispered.
He looked at her, and for a moment he smiled sadly down at her. "You did." Then he stood. "I'm going to go."
She wanted to say she was sorry, anything to make that look go away, but she stopped herself. She knew she shouldn't apologize for how she felt. Instead, she watched him go, then sat swallowing and swallowing, trying to dissolve the lump in her throat, knowing her friends would come in soon.
END FLASHBACK
Meredith avoided their eyes. "It was no big deal. I said I needed time."
"It went on for way longer than that." Christina pointed out, sitting on the edge of Meredith's bed. "Aren't you at least a little happy?"
Meredith shrugged.
Izzie and Christina glanced at each other, then Izzie turned to Alex. "Alex, would you mind giving us some privacy?" She raised her eyebrows meaningfully.
Alex started to protest, but then seemed to decide against it. He nodded. Then he walked over to Meredith and squeezed her shoulder, and said gently, "You'll be okay." She looked at him gratefully, glad that was all he had to say.
He walked out of the room and then outside the house, where he was surprised to find Derek sitting on the steps.
"Dr. Shepard, what are you, um. . ."
"I don't know." Derek said hollowly. "I don't want to go home, because my wife's home. I can't stay here, because I'm clearly not doing her any good."
Alex heaved a sigh, then sat down next to him awkwardly. "She loves you, man. So whatever is going on. . .it's not because she doesn't."
"I know." Derek stared at his hands, intertwining his fingers and then pulling them apart.
Alex hesitated. "What did she. . ."
"She said she needs time." He sighed heavily. "Says it's too soon after the pregnancy thing. Says every time she trusts me that everything will be okay, she gets clobbered."
Alex couldn't tell if Shepard was against these things or not, so he said boldly, "Do you really blame her?"
Derek turned to look at Alex without answering.
Alex couldn't help himself. "I've been around the past few days. It's killing her. She's scared." Derek still didn't say anything, and Alex rushed on, "But she doesn't want you to give up. She wants you to prove to her that it's going to be okay this time." He paused. "That's my guess, anyway."
Derek nodded slowly. "That would be great if I had any idea how."
XXXXXXXX
Meredith covered her face with her pillow and spoke in a muffled voice, "Guys, I really don't want to talk. You won't understand."
"We won't? Look, Meredith, we've been here for you this whole time. Try us."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"You need to." Izzie said briskly.
"You just want to know. We fought. I told him I need time. That's all."
"Why did you tell him you need time?" Izzie asked.
"You get Addison lied, right?" Christina put in.
"Yeah, it wasn't his fault."
Meredith glared at them. "You know what, forgive me for not wanting to go through everything. I just lived through it, and I don't want to do it again! I know it's not his fault, but it's not just about him! I'm scared of getting hurt again, and maybe that's stupid, but it's a fact. I can't help it. Now can you two just back off!"
Izzie stared at her, somewhat taken aback. "Fine." She said, slightly annoyed, starting toward the door
Christina, however, knew Meredith well enough to know that she wasn't really mad at them. She could tell what she was doing and stared down at her sympathetically, though she was under the pillow again and couldn't see. "Mer. . ." She put a hand on her arm.
Something about the soft, low sound of her best friend's voice, the understanding and the pity, so out of character for Christina, made Meredith snap. She started bawling into the pillow. Izzie turned around from the door and widened her eyes.
Christina motioned toward her. "You're better at this than me."
Izzie came forward, still looking surprised, and hugged Meredith.
Christina waited until Meredith's sobs had subsided and then she spoke. "Mer, I'm sorry I'm not better at the whole comfort thing. Sometimes I wish I was, but. . .I'm not. I'm useless that way. But I think I can give advice okay so here it is. . .I know you're scared. You have every reason to be. But you can't let the fear get in the way of you being happy. I know why you don't want to trust him. But I know you well enough to know that you're going to be a lot more miserable wondering what could have happened if you don't take the chance. You love him. He loves you. Sometimes we have to fight the fear, and fight all our experience and just. . .take a chance. Won't it be worth it?"
Meredith lay back in bed, nodding slightly. "You might be right." She sighed, deep in thought. "But why does it have to be so hard?
Like I said, a little uneventful, but I kind of like the MerDer fight, and I hope I was kind of able to keep it realistic. This was mainly a filler to set up my finale (which, as I've said, will only get written and posted with reviews!)
