The Island
A strange thing I wrote, then forgot about, then wrote some more. It's turned out pretty popular!
Disclaimer: All I own is the plot. In other words, I don't own Harry Potter.
Ron was scribbling on a piece of scrap paper, whilst Harry re-read his History of Magic Essay for the third time, occasionally crossing out sentences and replacing them with something else.
Hermione, who was reading a book on magic theory, kept glaring at them both, and when Harry roared in frustration and tore up his parchment, she slammed her book and threw it down.
"What are you doing?" she hissed.
"Well, I've just torn up my rough essay and Ron is drawing a picture of Percy being ripped up by a chimera," Harry replied innocently.
"And how are you going to copy out your essay now you've destroyed it?"
"Oops, I never thought of that..."
"No, I didn't think so!"
Ron added Hermione by Percy's side, reading a book entitled How to be a Stupid Clever-Dick by Dick Clever.
"That's you, Hermione," he pointed out.
"I gathered tha - OH MY GOSH YOU'RE DOODLING ON MY DOXYCIDE POTION RECIPE!" Hermione screamed.
"It's alright, I just - " Ron waved his wand and the parchment blew up, "Oops."
"ROOOOOOOOOON!" Hermione shrieked, "It took me six hours forty two minutes and seven seconds to do all that, and it's due in TOMORROW!"
"To do one sheet?"
"By any chance, Ron, did you spend the last hour drawing immature doodles on three pieces of parchment binded together?"
"Err - yes."
"SEE? I TOLD YOU!"
"But how can you write a potion recipe that fills three sheets of parchment?"
"The theory and techniques, you stupid idiot!"
Hermione stood up, squaring up to Ron. Ron stood up too.
"This common room unfortunately isn't big enough to accommodate the pair of us," Hermione whispered menacingly.
"OK, I'll pack my stuff," Ron said, starting towards his dormitory.
"No, I meant … oh, what's the point?" Hermione asked herself. She seized Ron, took out her wand and pointed it into his neck.
"One more toe out of line and it's mucous battous for you."
"Huh?"
Hermione sighed furiously.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
Hermione cried "Mucous battous!" and instantly a load of flapping, slimy bat-bogies flew out of her wand and all over Ron's face.
"Horp!" he yelled through the bogies.
Hermione sighed. She lifted the hex.
"Geez, what a baby!" she tutted as she steered Ron, whimpering, into an armchair. "Never again," he moaned, "NEVER again!"
Harry looked at the ashes on the table. He ran upstairs to his dormitory.
Hermione was breathing deeply. She sank into an armchair.
"I hope you've learned your lesson, Ronald Weasley," she gasped, "Now, if you'll excuse me - I think I need to write my recipe without distraction"
"OK."
Hermione paused. Then she looked at Ron.
"Hem-hem!"
Ron looked startled.
"What?" he asked.
"I said," Hermione said slowly and clearly, "I - think - I - need - to - write - my - recipe - without - distraction!"
"Yes, I heard you the first time. Carry on."
Hermione sighed.
"You, Ronald Weasley, are impossible. Come here."
Hermione and Ron both stood up again. Hermione pushed Ron right the way up the boys' staircase. She paused to open the door, then she pushed him to the only empty bed.
Then she retired to her own dormitory and sat on her bed and read for half an hour. Finally, she lost control of her senses and snuggled down under her covers…
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
She was floating on a huge sea on a raft with a radio, a book and a carrot. Suddenly the radio started blaring.
"And the winner of our 'Desert Island Companion' competition is … HERMIONE GRANGER!"
Hermione got excited. She listened intently to the broadcast.
"You, Hermione, have won a trip to the desert island of Luvv. And you will be allowed to take with you the very radio you are listening to now, one pleasure item, one food item and - your companions you chose."
Ron and Harry appeared on the raft.
"Have a great time, Hermione!" the radio yelled.
"Wow, a desert island," said Ron, awestruck, " I hear there's no toilets on them..."
"We're on our way to a desert island, Ron, and all you can think about is toilets. Hmm…" Harry said.
The island of Luvv was in sight. The raft sailed onto the beach and the trio hopped off. Hermione noticed that she and her friends were wearing only figs and leaves.
"My name is Ron Weasley-Granger," said Ron.
"My name is Hermione Weasley-Gr -," said Hermione, "No, wait a minute, that can't be right…oh, yeah, I'm Hermione Granger."
"My name is Harry Potter-Granger," said Harry.
"But if I'm Ron Weasley-Granger you can't be Harry Potter-Granger!" Ron cried.
"I'm married to Hermione, I love Hermione, I am Harry Potter-Granger, you are ROD!" Harry yelled, "No, that's not right - wait a minute, is this real?"
"I dunno, it seems like a crazy dream to me," Ron muttered.
"Well, if you two can't agree, then I'll have to choose a husband," Hermione snapped.
It was an important decision. She could choose Harry or Ron. She had to choose one and disappoint the other. She would marry one of her best friends, it would be written in the Harry Potter books…
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"YAAARRRGH!" Hermione bellowed, "HEELLP!"
She had wet the bed. In sweat, that is.
"Granger, what's the big idea?" Parvati asked sleepily.
"Oh - oh - oh - just a-a bad d-dream, that's all," Hermione gasped, "N-night."
But when Parvati had gone back to sleep again, Hermione ran down into the Common Room and up to Harry and Ron's dormitory.
"Ron, wake up!" she hissed, ripping back Ron's hangings.
"I am awake!" he retorted indignantly. He was sitting on his pillow reading 'Which Broomstick'.
"Oh, right, sorry," Hermione whispered, and she ripped Harry's hangings open instead.
"Aaaarrrgh…" Harry moaned, "No…Voldie, I wanna go to The Burrow! No…no…pleeeaaase no! NOOOOO!"
"Harry!"
"Wha-? Wha-? Oh, right, it's just you, Hermione," Harry panted, sitting up, "I was having a crazy dream there…don't ever mention the words 'Voldie's House' to me ever again."
"Err - yeah," agreed Hermione uncertainly, "Harry, would you come down to the Common Room with me? You too, Ron?" she added.
"Y - y - y - yeah, sure," Ron yawned, "Why?"
"I'll say when we get down there. But hurry up, it's urgent!"
She led the way down the steps and sank into her favourite armchair by the fire. Crookshanks, who had been attempting to eat the remaining glowing embers, slinked around her ankles, then hopped into her lap.
"I had a weird dream, which I think had some truth in it," she told the sleepy boys.
"Oh, yeah, you mean like the one where I hacked a chunk out of Ron's dad?" Harry asked matter-of-factly.
"Erm…well, no, not exactly. But the thing is - it involved you two and a big decision I think I'm going to have to make someday."
"Well, what's the decision?"
"Which one of you I'm going to - well, going to…errrr…going to - "
"Spit it out, girl!" Harry laughed.
"Which one of you two I'm going to - go out with."
Ron slid off his chair and sat on Trevor, whose guts went flying. Crookshanks chased the guts into the fireplace, then had his fur set on fire.
"Go out with?" Ron repeated, as Crookshanks bolted around, meowing fit to burst.
"Well, it'll have to be Ron, cos I fancy Ginny," Harry told her.
"But Harry, Ginny's going out with Dean Thomas," Hermione pointed out.
"What? Oh, yeah…of course she is," Harry murmured, but he looked disappointed. "But I really, really like both of you, and I've just found out Viktor's seeing a girl in Bulgaria. After that dream, I just knew I was going to end up with…one of you two," Hermione concluded lamely.
"Well, I'm fine with that," Ron said, winking at Harry.
"Oh, yeah, course!" Harry said quickly.
"Oh, thanks so much!" Hermione cried, and she hugged them both and hurried back to her dormitory.
"Oh…my…God!" Harry muttered faintly.
"OH MY GOD!" Ron cried delightedly.
"WHAT?" Harry yelled, "You - you mean you WANT Hermione to go out with you?"
"Oh, Harry. Harry, Harry, Harry. Didn't you read the books? See the films? Hear the interviews with JK?"
"Who on Earth is JK?"
"JK Rowling? Author of the Harry Potter books?"
"I have an author?"
"Harry, if it weren't for her, we wouldn't - anyway, that's beside the point!" Ron sighed exasperatedly, "In the Harry Potter books, it's kind of obvious that Hermione and me have a 'thing' for each other, you know...?"
Harry gasped and passed out.
A/N: It is now un-squashed so more people will read it! More people, please review! I get less reviews now it's finished...
