Only Human
Summary: Donna hadn't been feeling like herself lately, the stress at the firm eating her alive. Harvey had noticed, but the moment he had pressed on it, she had just refused to open up. However, when his enrollment with a mysterious new client puts Donna at risk, they are left with no other option than to explore the vulnerable side she's always kept well concealed, oblivious to the atrocious threats coming their way. Set around season 9. Trigger Warnings inside.
Author's Note: This is a story I have been planning for quite some time and finally decided to write down. It is slightly inspired by the events of episode 9x04, where we get a glimpse of Donna's more vulnerable side, which we rarely get to explore on the show, and basically how she handles her own issues and insecurities once in a relationship with Harvey. This story is filled with drama, angst and hurt/comfort, and some fluff maybe towards the ending. I've already outlined about 20 chapters and I hope I'll be uploading new chapters every two weeks or so.
I must warn you this fic is a little bit dark – and it will probably get darker in future chapters – so if you enjoy this type of stories welcome on board!
Consider the events of this story taking place about a week after 9x05, as some sort of alternative plotline for season 9.
Hope you enjoy, and always follow and leave a review!
Trigger Warning: This fic is rated M as there are mentions of mental health issues, eating disorders, trauma, PTSD, and mild-violence, so read at your own discretion.
Chapter I
Donna hadn't been feeling like herself lately.
She arrived to that conclusion on the early morning, when after only a few hours of sleep she had woken up at exactly 4:47 a.m., unable to get back to sleep, but still feeling completely exhausted. An unknown, overwhelming feeling of helplessness increasing in the depths her soul.
As she rolled on her back, trying to regain some of her sleep back, she starts noticing the throbbing pain growing in between her temples, the acute pressure forming behind her eyes and the overbearing stiffness on her neck.
The classic symptoms of an emerging headache.
Shit, she curses under her breath, now she surely wouldn't be getting any sleep.
She noticed Harvey was still deep asleep by her side, so she decided to carefully get up and get some pills, maybe drink some tea, and wait for the damn thing to be over. She knew Harvey kept some really strong medication for this kind of migraines on his kitchen cabinet, as he used to get one of these every now and then.
Once she took the little white tablets, she settled on the black couch on their living room, her head bowed between her knees in hopes the meds will soon kick in and make the pain go away. However, as she focused on breathing through the pain, she couldn't help but wonder what the hell was wrong. She had been getting these kinds of headaches more often during these past few days, and every time they came a little stronger, and lasted a little longer.
Maybe it was stress.
The truth was that, between the constant battle at the firm against Faye Richardson, the recent argument she had gotten herself with her father, and all the struggles her newfound relationship with Harvey had brought up, she feels drained to say the least.
Faye Richardson had been on her neck for quite some time now, first trying to reduce her from her position of COO to a secretary again, then, shaming her for her relationship with Harvey. And even though, she had failed at both attempts, the woman had settled on giving her a hard time. The way she looked at her, the small ill-intended little comments she received from her, the way she simply dismissed everything she ever said, and scrutinized her every little movement, had her going nuts. The Special Master's treatment made her feel so useless and worthless and overall insecure, and she hated it had that effect on her. Even though she knew that none of the things Faye thought about her were actually true, that didn't stop her from feeling anxious whenever she was around her.
Then, there was the argument with her father. She thought the guy had already made peace with Harvey, but turns out he called the other night, commenting how he still has his doubts about the lawyer and why he thinks she should be better breaking up with him. She had tried to reason with him, making him see how Harvey had fought for her during all of these years, arguing that the only reason why they hadn't gotten together sooner was because she had made it clear from the beginning that she didn't get involved with men she worked with. But none of it mattered as the elder Paulsen refused to acknowledge any of this and so the phone call only ended with them arguing over Harvey once again. Of course, Donna hadn't told any of this to Harvey, as she was sure her father would call her sooner or later apologizing for everything, but then again, she still felt bothered about the argument.
Then there was Harvey. She knew that under Faye's ruling he also had been put under a lot of stress, having to constantly defend the firm he had worked so hard for, was certainly exhausting. Nowadays, he was constantly on edge, and the new case he had taken against Mike had just made matters worse. Understanding how hard things had become over the past few weeks for him, Donna had made a conscious effort on making sure things were the best they could between them, constantly offering him a distraction from the constant stress of their work. Sure, it was easier now that they were together. However, deep down she resented the fact that they had to face this amount of stress at such an early stage of their relationship.
She knew she had to be there for him, professionally and emotionally. Not only did she had to worry about how to get this woman out of their lives but, also be the emotional compass he had always needed her to be. And normally, she wouldn't mind this. It was something she had been doing over the past decade without a second doubt and it came natural to her.
Nonetheless, the truth is that lately she's feeling overwhelmed: she needs to focus on so many things at once and it just feels like it's on her to carry the rest of the world on her shoulders.
The thought outrages her.
Usually, she is able to get through this kind of situations without anyone noticing. She wouldn't normally feel so stressed and overwhelmed by this kind of stuff.
But for some reason, right now it's different…
Maybe Faye was right.
Maybe she wasn't that good on her job, maybe she was just pretending to be someone she was not. After all she was simply a secretary with a Musical Theatre Bachelor, she didn't have the studies, nor the curriculum to be a COO.
Maybe her father was also right, and relationship with Harvey was indeed a mistake.
Maybe, she could have earned some respect out of Faye if she weren't involved with Harvey as that only made her look like she had slept her way up there…
If Harvey could only see her right now, maybe he wouldn't love her…
The pain brought by her headache grows more acute as if it were punctured by a dozen needles. Her chest suddenly tightens at her spiraling thoughts and she feels the room beginning to spin around her. She notices the shake of her hands, the way her breathing is coming a little more labored than usual. She tries to breathe through it…
NO!
She stops herself, burying the crippling thoughts that had begun spurring on her head as she focused on taking calming deep breaths.
None of that was true. It was only her insecurities playing with her mind.
She needed to pull herself together.
Everything is okay.
She repeated the phrase as a mantra to herself. What was happening was nothing compared to everything she had gone through the last few years. There was no need to break. She could do this.
She remembers how Gretchen had once pointed out how she "never let them see her sweat", and even though at the moment it had been meant to describe the way she worked; she could also see how it applied to her personal life. She never let other see when she was struggling, always keeping her feelings for herself until she had time to work them out.
At the firm, she had the reputation of always being the one others could count on, the one who gave other's emotional support, the one who fixed other's problems, the one who always knew what to do when everyone else was at lost. But when it came to her, she always faced her issues alone. All of her break-ups, her problems, her insecurities and fears, she dealt with on her own.
Throughout the years she had spent working alongside Harvey at the firm, Rachel may had been the person she had become closer to, and maybe the only friend she had actually shared some of her issues and insecurities with. But even then, she wouldn't come talk about her own feelings until she had some of them figured out. At the hour of despair though, she rather faced her demons on her own.
It was days like this when she missed her the most. These past weeks, after being put under so much stress, especially by Faye Richardson, she felt on the brink of collapsing, and she knew she needed to figure out some way to relieve her anxiety, or else she would end up burning out. She would have loved to have the brunette girl to talk to and forget about her problems for a bit. But of course, Rachel was now gone and there was no use dwelling on that thought.
There was a small part of her that desperately wanted to open up to Harvey. They had agreed that she also needed to come to him when something wasn't right on her life, and even though she wants to, she can't find a way how. He has never seen her as anything but strong, and tearing down that last wall, make him see her vulnerable and human side, scares her out of her mind. Besides, he had been recently so caught up with his case against Mike, and everything else that has been going on at the firm, that she reasons he might not be at the right frame of mind for it.
For some reason, she feels like her problems are way less important than his, and therefore she still needs to be the stronger one for him. Even now, when she's beginning to realize she might not be entirely okay, she can't help her need to hide those feelings, bury them deep down, and focus on his instead.
She realizes how funny it is that even when she's the one struggling right now, her primary concern is always directed at him, and for a moment she hates herself for that. If it were the other way around, she would have noticed something was wrong right away, and would've already reached out to him, forcing him to open up to her and let her deal with whatever situation that would've been bothering him. But of course, she can't blame Harvey for not having her unique ability to read people.
She knows that he's trying, but right now she doesn't want to put any more pressure on his shoulders than the one he's already bearing.
After what have felt only like a few moments, she realizes she has actually spent a little more than an hour on the couch, and she still hasn't been able to coax herself back to sleep, her headache still present and her tea already gone cold. The moment she shifts position though, her stomach ties up into a strange knot as a wave of nausea kicks in and the bile rises on her throat.
Immediately, she rushes herself to the bathroom inside their bedroom, closes the door and collapses in front of the toilet. She throws up last night's dinner entirely and as she retches, she feels the pounding headache getting worse.
Once she thinks she has finished she stands up and proceeds to wash her mouth to get rid of the awful taste left. However, as she takes a closer look of herself on the mirror she can't help but notice the paleness of her complexion – and even though she is usually pale – it's obvious the absence of the usual rosiness of her cheeks.
It's probably nothing.
She brushes off, as she turns in a swift motion to open the door, but the rapid movement causes her stomach to lurch again, and she finds herself once again emptying the remaining contents of her stomach over the toilet's bowl.
This time she hears a knock on the door.
"Donna?" shit it's Harvey – and that's definitely the last thing she needs right now. She quickly tries to compose herself, praying to God he doesn't find her in this shape. However, her body doesn't oblige to her wishes, and she finds herself throwing up once more.
"Is everything alright?" he asks, as peaks his head through the door, worry written all over his face. The moment he catches a glimpse of her, he sees she's doubled over the toilet seat, vigorously throwing up, her expression pained and defeated.
He is by her side in a heartbeat.
As he crouches to her level, he finds himself instinctively running a hand through her spine in what he hopes is a soothing motion. "Shh it's okay." He whispers softly. At the sound of his voice, she closes her eyes for a second and waits for the nausea to fade away on its own. She gags a few more times, but nothing leaves her stomach, so she takes a deep breath.
"You okay?" he asks once she finishes.
"I'm fine, Harvey," she answers breathlessly, finally acknowledging him, as she quickly stands to flush the toilet. She feels the exhaustion wash over her, her headache growing a bit more intense and she unconsciously brings a hand to her aching temples.
"You sure? You look a little pale," he states, as he places a gentle hand on her cheek.
"Harvey, I'm fine," she reassures him once more a bit annoyed, taking his hand out of her face, intertwining her fingers with his. "I think the sushi from last night didn't sit right with me, you know?" she explains lightly forcing a smile in his direction, trying to keep her composure.
She feels him deepening his gaze into hers. He titles his head a bit to the left and purses his lips as if trying to read into her like he knew there was something more she wasn't telling him. She just plays along and deepens her gaze into his, knowing that probably even if he suspected something wasn't quite right, he wouldn't be able to figure it out on his own.
"Okay," he accepts her answer, after having studied her for a few moments. "I'm just worried you're coming down with something, that's all," he adds as he places a kiss on top of her head and pulls her into a warm embrace.
She throws him a loop sided smile, "That's sweet of you Harv, but really there's nothing to worry about," she responds untangling herself from his arms.
Although she really appreciates the effort he's putting in, she's really not in the mood to open up about everything that had been going on.
Besides there was nothing going on.
Everything is fine.
"So do you want to go back to bed?" he proposes, "I think we still have time to arrange a morning meeting, if you know what I mean."
The seductive wiggle of his eyebrows is clear enough to know that sex is what's on his mind, and she finds herself tempted to accept his offer as she feels the tip of his nose pushing against her ear, his lips caressing the skin of her cheek.
"Well…" but, she trails off the moment she realizes there's already enough daylight penetrating into their room. "Wait, Harvey what time is it?" she asks hurriedly.
"Uh, almost six thirty," he answers taking a look at his phone.
"Shit!" she exclaims, her eyes going wide. "I had to meet Faye today at eight o´clock sharp. I can't be late!", and with that she hurries into their room.
She had totally forgotten about that fucking meeting.
"What? What are you talking about?"
"She wanted me to give her a brief about the results on the first-year associates performance evaluation before deciding which ones we'll be keeping in and which ones we would let go." Donna begins to explain as she steps into their room and opens her closet looking for the garments of clothing she would wear today. "She thinks those kinds of decisions should be supervised by a lawyer and can't be simply delegated to an 'unexperienced COO', " she air-quotes with her hands in an annoyed manner as she rolls her eyes.
"What the hell? That's bullshit!" Harvey remarks quite angrily at the arbitrary command.
"Of course, it's bullshit!" Donna cries out loud. "Just as every other thing she's imposed since the moment she stepped foot into the firm." She continues as she ventures through her wardrobe, looking for the perfect designer's dress to wear.
Harvey decides to take a moment to study her while she keeps rummaging through the possible outfits for the day. He had noticed there was something off about her. Actually, there had been something off about her for the past few days, he just couldn't exactly point out what. The way she moved erratically as she searched through her wardrobe, the slight tremor of her hands as she picked out the dress she was going to wear for the day. The way she had insisted she was fine, after having thrown up.
Her reaction to him, it just wasn't like her…
"Why don't you let me talk to her about this?" he prompts after a few seconds.
"No Harvey!" she shouts back defensively. "We've talked about this, I don't want you fighting my battles for me. I can handle it myself."
He's about to argue back but the defensiveness of her tone makes him give it a second thought and instead decides to just let her be. "Fine."
"Ugh that woman's going to kill me, if I'm there one second late." She mutters absentmindedly, ignoring his comment as she picked her stuff to run a quick bath.
"Hey, what do you want for breakfast?" He asks as he makes his way to the kitchen.
"I'm not really up for breakfast. I still feel a little queasy, but I´ll buy a bagel once we're down at the office," she states as she enters the shower.
"Don," he resumes, not entirely convinced by her dismissal.
"Yeah?"
"You sure you´re alright?"
"I'm sure Harvey," she reassures her boyfriend once again, a soft smile appearing on her lips.
However, as she steps into the shower, the smile disappears, the earlier anxiety she had felt making its way back. She takes a look of herself on the mirror, and even though she feels like breaking down, she doesn't allow herself to. She pushes it back, buries the overwhelming negative thoughts, and with a forced smile she tells herself she can do it.
She knows she has a long day ahead, but she can do it.
