Chapter II
They enter the building at exactly 8:07 a.m. As they take the elevator to the fiftieth floor, Donna feels her hands grow clammy and she constantly checks the time on her phone, worrying she'd be late for her meeting with Faye. Harvey notices her nervous expression and decides to take the hand that hangs out by his side, softly squeezing it. He's aware of the amount of stress and pressure she's been put under by Faye Richardson – even if she hasn't mentioned much about it – but since Donna had made it very clear that she didn't want him fighting her battles for her, he had settled on trying to be the support she needs.
He is definitely not good with words – communication is still one of the main things they need to work out on their relationship – but he hopes the physical connection lets her know that she can count on him.
"Hey," he calls for her attention as he presses her hand. "Everything will be fine," he reassures as he gives her a confident wink.
She lifts her gaze and when her eyes fall on his, she's able to find some strength in the way his chocolate eyes are looking right back at her like she's the most amazing woman in the world. She feels her lips curling up into an honest smile as she squeezes the hand back.
"Why wouldn't it?" she teases, "I'm Donna, I'm awesome." It's an attempt on some light banter, and he's glad to see her more at ease than she had been this morning when he had found throwing up on the toilet.
When the elevators doors fly open, he gives her a soft peck on the lips and they take their separate ways. His day is filled with client meetings, and it is highly probable that they will not be seeing each other again until the night. She heads towards her office, places her purse and coat on the sofa and grabs the folder containing the first-year associate's performance results before making her way to Faye's office.
As she nears the Special Master's office, she notices the woman is already waiting for her, a frown forming on her face as she notices her strolling down the hallway. She knocks politely on the door, before entering the room.
"Donna, come in," Faye acknowledges, as she gestures her hand in an inviting motion. The COO follows suit and places the documents on her desk before taking the seat in front of it.
"I see you've arrived past eight o'clock, even though I was very clear to be punctual." The older woman bluntly states as she begins to take a look to the documents Donna brought.
She glances at the clock hanging by the wall and notices it reads 8:11. It's not a big deal, and it shouldn't bother Faye that much, but instead of arguing back, she settles in a lighthearted tone, "I'm sorry for being late, I'm sure you know how chaotic New York's traffic can get -"
"And still having worked here for over ten years you don't deem it wise to take the considerations needed to arrive punctually?" She interrupts, and Donna feels the harshness of the tone of Faye's voice as her eyes keep scanning back and forth the report.
"I promise it won't happen again in the future."
The room falls in an awkward silence as Donna waits for the older woman to be over reading the documents and give her the light green to go and get done with the rest of her day. However, that doesn't seem to be the case as she notices Faye's face forming into a tight frown as she reaches the last page of the document.
"So, let me get this straight," she begins as she folds the report on the desk and glares back at Donna, "according to this half-assed report you're giving me, you're concluding we should let go Jackson, who is one of the most efficient associates, and who also has astonishing billables, instead of Lisa, who came last on the performance review, and only managed to get three cases for trial during last quarter? I'm sorry, but I fail to see the logic behind this conclusion."
Her lips tighten in an annoyed grimace at the comment. She had expected Faye to give her some sort of criticism on the report – especially since the woman was extremely difficult to appease – but she didn't think she would actually have the nerve to accuse her of having made a bad call when it came down to the judgment of the associates' characters. With every fiber of her being she tries not to explode in anger, and instead of sending the woman straight to hell with the most office-inappropriate language she has in mind, she takes a deep breath as she begins to calmly explain the reasoning behind her conclusions.
"First of all," she begins with a fake tight-lipped smile plastered on her face, "I'm going to ignore your commentary that my report is poorly done as that is simply not the case." She states as she takes back the report from Faye's hands before continuing. "Second of all, it's actually interesting the fact you brought this up as is something we've actually discussed as a firm with last year's first-associate evaluations."
Donna then proceeds on to explaining the experience they had last year, when Katrina had came up with a flawed system of evaluation, that ranked the associates only by their efficiency levels, but ignored their human aspect altogether and how it had affected employees like Brian. She continues stating how, back then, she had successfully convinced Katrina to not fire Brian, as he had actually demonstrated to be an important member of the team.
"After that experience, we made it clear that camaraderie is an important factor for success on this firm, not just efficiency, or billables. You see, in this case, even though Jackson has excellent billables and has won most of his trials, he actually doesn't get along very well with his peers, and I've even heard some of the female associates complain that he has said some very rude things to them. Lisa on the other hand is always eager to help the other associates, and even though she hasn't billed as much as the others, the few cases she has worked on, have had amazing outcomes. That's the reason of why I had chosen Lisa over Jackson, and it is quite detailed on the conclusions section."
Faye doesn't interrupt her during her lengthy explanation but maintains a quite skeptical expression on her face during the duration of it. After Donna is finished, the woman makes a displeased gesture with her mouth, and stares at her with an annoyed glare, which lets the COO know that she doesn't agree with any of the reasons she has just presented.
"So I see," the Special Master comments after giving a low sigh, "I thought this firm had enough problems as it was, but apparently they're worse than I had originally presumed."
"I'm sorry, but what exactly do you mean by that?" Donna asks in a more defensive manner than intended.
"Do you think it's more important to be likable than doing one's job properly?" the older woman challenges.
"What I think is that in every team you always have players that even though never put up great stats, you keep them around because they make the people around them better." It's exactly what she had said to Katrina back then, and it's a philosophy she's never been shy to defend it.
Faye remains silent for a second or two longer than Donna had expected, and in a stoic expression comments, "Something like that was exactly what I thought you were going to say. See Donna, I'm going to let you in a little secret: truth is, I didn't have you doing this report because I needed you to, but rather to prove myself a point, and I'm afraid to say, you've just confirmed my suspicions."
Donna is taken aback by the admission and for a moment she doesn't know what to think of it, but soon enough all of her pent-up rage for this woman fuels her veins as she raises an eyebrow in a defiant manner. "And what would that be?"
"Here's what I think: I think that because of people like you, this firm is not operating the way it should." Faye states. "It is clear enough to me that you are all more preoccupied defending each other's back than doing your job properly. And this bullshit story you've just told me, proves my point. Because what you forgot to tell me was that the reason why Katrina was asked to re-evaluate the system she had created was because Brian was Louis' favorite associate, and let me tell you something: I'm tired of favoritisms on this firm."
"That's not-"
"I'm not finished." Faye declares as she raises her voice. "It is obvious that at this firm, people who work hard aren't the ones valued but rather the ones willing to cover up the mistakes done by the leadership team. Last week when I had informed you about the evident conflict of interest that represents you and Harvey having a vote on this firm while in a romantic relationship, instead of giving up your vote – as you should have – you ran over to your boyfriend and got him and his friends to disobey my direct orders. People on this firm listen to you, you convince them to do whatever you want them to, claiming that 'you know better than them', and this is the reason of why this firm doesn't work: people here don't do what they should do, they do what you tell them to do."
The statement drops hard on Donna's stomach as she tries to assimilate Faye's direct attack. She was used to people wrongfully undermining her abilities to perform as a COO, but never before had she been told that her unique ability to accurately read people and advise them as well as she does, was actually damaging to the firm. Her vision is clouded with rage as she stares back at the woman, trying to form some sort of comeback, but the words get stuck on her mouth. Faye has hit her right where her insecurities lie and she feels them crawling back trying to take control of her mind.
"I see I have touched a nerve," Faye points out, noticing the nervous expression of the COO as she sucks in a desperate, shaky breath. She rounds her desk and sits on top of it, facing Donna and continues, "I guess I must inform you that today, I will be starting a background check on all the employees of this firm, starting by the managing staff, and I think I will begin with you, see if there's anything that actually justifies your position here."
"Alright Faye," at the threat, Donna forces the anxiety she's feeling away, as she raises up from her seat and steps up to the woman. "I've tolerated your comments out of respect, but what you're doing is clearly a witch hunt after me. If you want to do a background check, do it but the only thing you'll find is proof of the excellent work I've done for this firm over the years. My position on this firm is more than justified. People here don't listen to me just because I'm a pretty face. They listen to me because I have proven them that I do know better than themselves, and in every single occasion my judgment has proven to bring optimal results."
"I see you're pretty sure of yourself, Donna." Faye states with a soft smile as she half-chuckles, "I guess in that case, you probably shouldn't mind the fact that I'll be reviewing the Costal Motors documents, I'm counting you didn't destroy any of those, right?"
Donna's expression falls flat at the mention of the infamous Costal Motors case, her eyes growing wide in panic.
"Oh, and also the Liberty Rail case, I've heard that back then you were charged with intent to commit fraud, quite an awful crime don't you think?" the older woman continues as Donna feels the color draining from her face.
"While we're at it, I guess we should also take a look at Mike Ross's trial, because I'm pretty sure there's no way Mr. Specter hired that kid without you not knowing he didn't have a law degree." Her jaw quivers at the memory of her at the stand during Mike's trial and the fiasco her testimony turned out to be.
"And let's also inspect the cause of Mr. Kessler's mysterious exit from this firm, you had nothing to do with it, correct?" Her heart so beats fast at the mention of Kessler's incident, Donna thinks it might just burst wide open from her chest.
"But I'm confident those are all widely inaccurate allegations, am I wrong?" Faye's voice feels cold and harsh, but the lifted eyebrow lets her know that the mention of these incidents is intentional and it is very clear to Donna that she's trying to get to her.
"You have no idea what you're talking about," Donna finally musters in a low, threatening voice, as she feels Faye's eyes piercing right through her soul.
She has always prided herself on being the best at her job, both as a legal secretary and as COO. She has worked tooth and nail for over a decade to get to the point where she is, but the truth is that she's only human, and like everyone else she has made mistakes here and there.
"Those mistakes have nothing to do with my position as a COO, and they definitely don't define how good I am at my job. You can't just bring up that bullshit from the past and make it seem like I don't deserve my position here – "
"Well, I'll be the judge of that," Faye interrupts her with a stern voice. "I'll be communicating you the results of your background check by the end of the week. If by any chance I find anything that gives me grounds to question your position as a COO you'll be demoted effective immediately. If I don't, then you get to keep your job and I promise not to bother you again."
"Excuse me?" Donna shouts indignantly, "You're telling me that now you get to decide whether I deserve my job or not based on some stupid investigation you're just coming up with? This is just bullshit-"
"It's not bullshit," Faye replies such a calm tone that unnerves Donna to her very core. "Background checks on the leadership staff are standard protocol on any administrative audit held by the New York's Bar Association. I'm merely doing my job communicating you the opening of yours."
"Then tell me, what the hell is it that you have against me, Faye?" she all but yells, the anger and fear she's threading on taking the best of her.
"I don't have anything against you. As surprising as this might be, the world does not revolve around you Donna. I'm really just doing my job." The woman answers as a collected, cold smile appears on her face. "And if you value yours as much as you declare, then I'll suggest you go down your office and do yours."
"Alright, do your god-damned background check, Faye, we'll see how the partners of this firm would like that once I tell them you'll be leading an investigation on every one of them." She defends, guessing that if having all of the partners coming down against Faye had worked once, it would surely work again. However, as she turns around to leave the office with what's left of her dignity, she hears Faye raising up from her seating position, and is forced to look back at the woman.
"About that," She begins as she rounds her desk and pulls out a document from one of the cabinets. The woman positions herself in front of Donna, blocking the door, as she hands her the piece of paper. "If I were you wouldn't turn this into a bigger problem than it should be. This conversation never happened, and if you mention a word to any of your senior-partner friends here, or tell that boyfriend of yours about this meeting, I'll be reporting this to the Bar Association."
Donna looks at the document Faye is showing her, and she doesn't have to even read half of the first paragraph to understand what it is and what it means. It's a report disqualifying the firm before the New York's Bar Association and if Faye dares to report that not only will everyone be left without a job at Zane Specter Litt Wheeler Williams, but the firm will disappear as it is.
"You wouldn't," Donna warns dangerously, the panic and fear coloring her gaze.
"I will, and believe me, I've been wanting to for a while," Faye declares, and there's something about the serious quality of the woman's voice that makes her spine chill as a fearful, panicked grimace begins to form on her expression. "See Donna while I don't have anything against you, I do have something against this god-damned firm and everything the people who work here represent, especially what Mr. Specter represents. So, if you go and tell them about this, know that you will be the reason why they will be left without jobs. You will be the reason of why this firm will disappear."
Donna struggles to find her voice. Never before on her life had she been humiliated in this way. Having Faye questioning her position as a COO, accusing her of being the reason why the firm was being audited, telling her that she had the power to decide whether or not she got to keep her job based on a clearly biased background check; made the anxiety she had felt earlier that morning spike up even more.
Even though, her rational part tells her that this shit-show probably has more to do with the personal quarrel Faye seems to have picked against the firm – rather than her actual personal skills and worthiness for the position – she can't help but let the more irrational part of her take control as she feels herself shattering on the inside and the intrusive negative feelings seem to cloud her mind once again.
The threat feels like a confirmation of her own self-doubts, and so, she can't help but stare back at the older woman, as a weird mixture of fear, anger and panic seems to have possessed her body, unable to move or even voice a defense.
Faye moves out of her way, taking by the redhead's defeated and panicked expression that she has made her point clear enough and that she's, in fact, not going to go crying to Harvey about this. But, Donna remains rooted on her spot though, her eyes wide in terror as she tries to hold back tears, her mind spiraling a thousand miles per minute, and it's not until she hears the dismissal that she leaves on shaky legs, and closes the glass door with as much force as she can muster, letting the little dignity and pride that she has left guide her towards her own office.
As she exits Faye's office, the threat she's just received sits heavy on her chest and she strolls down the hallway, panicked eyes looking out for the sanctuary of her office, a sort of refuge from Faye's presence at the firm. Tears burn down her cheeks as she collapses on her desk, unable to hold them back any longer, and she finally allows herself to break down a little as she buries her head on her hands.
She focuses on taking deep breaths, but Faye's words echo relentlessly through her head.
That god-damned woman isn't just going to start an investigation on her, she already has started and for all she knows she's willing to take whatever bullshit mistake she made over the past few years to try to demote her from her position.
She can't go about this to anyone at the firm.
Everyone is at risk if she does.
She is going to lose her job.
But if she tries to do anything about it, then everyone will definitely lose their jobs.
The firm could disappear.
And she certainly can't let that happen.
How the hell did that motherfucker managed to make her feel so powerless and weak? She was a strong and confident woman; she shouldn't be crying over stuff like this. But then, Faye's accusations struck right where it hurted the most.
What if she actually wasn't that good on her job?
What if she was the reason of why the firm wasn't working as it should?
Maybe her judgment wasn't always the best.
Maybe she had done more harm than good to the firm.
Maybe she had failed everyone around her.
After all, the only reason why the firm was being audited was because Robert had been disbarred. And he had been disbarred because he had stepped up for Harvey at the ethics hearing, letting himself take the fall instead of him. And the reason why Harvey had an ethics hearing was because Thomas's deal had gone wrong. And that only happened because she was the one who told Thomas.
She was the only one to blame.
The always confident Donna finds her own self confidence slipping away from her fingers, as the weight of a heavy boulder constricts her chest, her breathing becoming more elaborated with each intake. She tries to desperately control her breaths, but the headache that had woken her up that morning becomes intensely more acute on her temples, and it hurts so bad that she's sure it's going to explode any minute.
She tells herself that this is only a reaction to stress.
That she has to calm down.
Get her shit together.
However, the more she tries to keep her breathing under control, the more stressed she feels, her mind stuck on Faye's words, and she can't help the way it makes her breaths come in short agonizing puffs and wheezes. The lack of oxygen only aggravates her headache, but when it starts hurting so bad, it turns into dizzying nausea, she finds herself rushing for the ladies' restrooms, throwing up for a second time this morning.
She isn't sure how the hell she managed to get from her office to the restrooms, given the fact that she feels her body trembling like a leaf, but somehow, she's once again doubled over the toilet, throwing up the water she had drank before coming into the office – the only thing she had willingly consumed during the whole morning – and when she leans back, she pulls her knees up on her chest, trying to hold herself together; constantly repeating that she can breathe just fine, she only needs to try a little harder.
Everything is fine.
Except it isn't, and an overwhelming feeling roots her on the spot and hinders her from getting up. Her breathing is still coming out in pitiful intervals, and the headache clouds her mind as the anxiety reels through her veins and takes power over her body rendering her weak, miserable, powerless.
A small voice of logic urges her to call Harvey, knowing that he's the only one who would understand; the only one who could help her through it; but her pride steps in and tells her that she can´t let him see her like this. Besides he's at a client meeting, and it would definitely not be the best time to call him. And even if it were, she remembers Faye's threat, and she simply tells herself that even if she wanted to reach out to him; she can't.
She can't because if he comes – and he would definitely come if she called – she will surely break and tell him everything, and if she does that, then Faye is going to report the firm to the Bar, and when they lose everything it would be her fault and only hers.
So she convinces herself she's strong enough to bear it on her own. To hold on a little longer, be a little stronger. She's alright. No matter what Faye seems to have against her, or how much her body seems to be failing her right now, she'll figure something out, as she always does.
After all, she's Donna, she's awesome, she can fix any problem, she can do anything.
But the reassurance that's supposed to make her feel better, upsets her even more, and suddenly the idea of having to live up to the myth she's built around herself feels like an insurmountable task.
So she gives in, and instead of fighting the attack, lets it take control of her until it goes away on its own. She has no idea how much time she spends sitting against the cubicle's door on the ladies' restroom, but after what feels like an eternity she's finally able to move again, her breathing slowly but surely feeling more steady, the tears drying on her cheeks.
Once she makes sure there's no one else at the restroom, she gathers herself up, and makes her way towards the sink, where she catches her reflection and notices how pale and defeated she looks. She thanks the universe the fact that somehow, she hasn't run into anyone, because she really wouldn't stand any of her colleagues seeing her like this. She splashes some water on her face, as if trying to wash away the exhaustion that lingers on her expression and makes a mental note to retouch her make up.
As she gazes back at her own reflection, she begins to wonder what the hell has just happened; the images of her breakdown still vivid on her mind. And although she tries to brush it off as a simple over reaction to stress, deep down she knows exactly what it was:
She suffered a panic attack.
In her entire life, she had only suffered from them once. It was in college before a performance. Her then boyfriend had just broken up with her about thirty minutes before going up into stage, and that had been enough to send 20-something Donna down in a spiral. She had felt so devastated that day, but her friends had helped her through it and although she couldn't perform that day, they had provided the company and comfort needed.
But now it's different: back then, it had been a one-time thing, and after that little incident, she had quickly recovered from the breakup. Now, she's not sure how long she will be able to resist Faye's attacks, and she's afraid anyone would find out about this.
People are not used to see her losing it like that. She's supposed to be the 'Mighty Donna Paulsen', the one everyone can count on, the one who helps everyone when they're struggling. Not the one who suffers from a freaking panic attack after a stupid meeting with her boss.
And even though she wouldn't admit it out loud; she knows she is the one scared shitless to face her own vulnerability.
However, as she exits the restroom and strolls back to her office, only one thought is clear on her mind: no matter what happens, Harvey can't know about this.
She will find a way to manage on her own – she has to – even if it means sacrificing her position, the job she loves so much and has fought so hard to get, for the ones she loves.
Author's Note: So this one was a particularly hard chapter to write, but I hope I did well and that you all enjoyed it. Thank you so much for your kind reviews and I hope you keep reading this story. I'm very excited to keep going, so let me know what you think about it!
