It's a fun life on a boat
By Todd Fan
Disclaimer: "Aww, Gilligan screwed it up. Why don't they just kill him?"
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There are more desert island gags in this chapter than you can shake a stick at, so instead of footnotes, have some fun, and try to find them all
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Chapter 8 – Deserted
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"Far off in the Mediterranean, five mutants were sitting on a deserted island. How they got there, was a story no one knew, some say they got there by magic, some say they were born there, some say.."
"Pyro, the residents of San Sebastian dumped us here after we made the erupting volcano even worse and destroyed half of their town"
Pyro blinked at Jason.
"Way to ruin me making the situation seem better, Jas", he sniffed.
"How can this situation be ANY better?", snapped Sabertooth, "it's your fault anyway, you crazy-ass pyromaniac!"
"Well, I didn't think that their houses would be so flammable", said Pyro, "considering how close they live to an active volcano, you'd think they'd know better"
"I think they should have accepted it was a mistake", said Sabertooth, "I mean, the thought was there! Heck, an' the X-Geeks got treated like royalty!"
Jason shook his head.
"Yeah, and Piotr's idea of throwing a bus in the flow of the lava to stop it was just a stoke of genius", he replied dryly.
"Dey did hit him on de head good", said Remy, "I don't t'ink he's working right"
"Hello, Wilson", said Piotr, patting a volleyball with a smiley face painted on it, "how are you being today? I am good"
"Well, at least he isn't seasick anymore", said Pyro optimistically, "cheer up, guys, I bet our cruise ship'll pick us up any day now"
"You mean de cruise ship dat sailed past half an hour ago?", asked Remy.
"…..It might come back", said Pyro meekly, then smiled, "hey, wouldn't it be great if this was Fantasy Island? I would wish for a billion Zippos!"
"…Yeah", Jason shook his head, "you mean before wishing us home?"
"What home?", asked Remy, "Mag-nutso kick us out, remember?"
"I don't like to think about it", sniffed Sabertooth, "years of service for nothing! Not even a fancy pen!"
"Okay, people, pull yourselves together!", said Remy, "we gotta survive here, an' find a way home. Any ideas?"
"We can rope together some sea turtles and make a raft!", grinned Pyro.
Remy blinked.
"Dat was the Pirates of the Caribbean", he said, "and it wasn't even true in de movie"
"Yeah, but did they prove it was impossible?", asked Pyro.
"…We're all going to die", said Jason.
"Look, we're not going to die", said Remy, "if TV taught me anyt'ing it's dat dere's always a way to survive being stuck on an island"
"Oh, what a fool I feel for not watching those episodes of Lost", said Jason dryly.
"Or Gilligan's Island", said Sabertooth.
"Dat's it!", said Remy, "Piotr can be Gilligan, I can be de handsome professor everyone wants to sleep with, Sabertooth can be de Skipper, Jason can be de millionaire and St.John can be Ginger"
Pyro blinked.
"Isn't Ginger a woman?"
"Shut up and go cook us dinner", snapped Sabertooth.
"With what?", asked Pyro.
"I don't know, find something!", said Sabertooth, "or I'll eat you!"
"Touchy!", sniffed Pyro, walking off to find something they could eat.
"I thought they never got off the island", said Jason.
"Dat's just a minor detail", said Remy.
"What is that, Wilson?", said Piotr, "yes, yes I do like cheese in a can"
"….Let's hope we get off here before the Iron Giant here loses it and kills us all in our sleep", said Jason.
"If he doesn't, we can always hope King Kong comes around", said Sabertooth, "we can appease him with you, Jas. He'll never know the difference. He'll take you as his monkey bride, and his slaves will give us a boat and send us home. Then we'll all live happily ever after"
"….Have you been drinking the sea water again?", asked Jason, "I told you not to do that. And I am not a monkey!"
"I say we vote Jason off de island", said Remy, "he's de only one of us dat's completely useless"
"I'm not useless", said Jason.
"Oh really, what are you going to do?", asked Remy, "make an illusion of a raft? Dere's no way your powers can help us survive in any way!"
"Oh leave him alone", said Sabertooth, "if things get bad, we'll eat him first"
"Wilson does not agree with the violence", said Piotr with a smile.
"Fine", said Jason, "then I'm not going to fix Piotr, and he'll talk to that volleyball until you're all dead, you can't kill him because you can't break steel"
"…..Damnit, he's got us", said Remy, "you're a snake in de grass, Wyngarde, you know dat?"
"Yes, yes I do", smiled Jason, "thank you"
"….I knew I shoulda stayed at home", grumbled Sabertooth, then sniffled, "an' my tinkle balls still on the ship"
"You know…death isn't such a bad idea", said Jason, watching as Sabertooth burst into tears.
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The hours passed as the Acolytes tried to amuse themselves. Jason had finally caved and 'fixed' Piotr, but the Russian still refused to let go of Wilson the Volleyball. They just let him have it, why not? It's not like it would hurt anyone…
"Where did he get that thing, anyway?", asked Jason, looking up from sand tic-tack-toe.
"I think he swiped it off the guy who beaned him", said Remy.
"Where's that crazy Aussie with our food?", snapped Sabertooth, "I'm hungry!"
"I'm here, I'm here", grumbled Pyro, walking out of some bushes, "seesh, keep your pants on"
He put a pile of bags in front of them.
"Here you go"
Piotr blinked at them.
"McDonald's?"
"You'd prefer BK?", asked Pyro, "'cause I can go back if you…..what?"
Sabertooth twitched.
"There's a McDonalds here?", he asked, "on the desert island?"
"Yeah", said Pyro, "about a mile that way, there's a town and stuff. They've even got a bowling alley"
"…..And you didn't come back to tell us this because…..", prompted Jason.
"I thought you were having fun playing Swiss Family Robinson or something", said Pyro with a shrug, "so I went to watch a movie in the cinema, and then I played in the laser-tag place"
He smiled happily.
"It was ripper, I beat this ankle biter, hands down!"
Sabertooth took a long, deep breath, stood up, walked to a tree and began clawing it to pieces.
"Does this look like fun to you, Allerdyce?", asked Remy.
"I'm still mad at you", said Pyro, "and you called me a girl. Yeah, the town people, they watch TV! Ginger's a girl!"
"I know, you jackass", said Remy, "and I don't even care"
"Just take us to the town, Pyro", said Jason tiredly, "so I can find a bed and pretend I had a decent life instead of this really, really crappy one"
"I don't think I should", Pyro pouted, crossing his arms, "you people are always really mean to me! And I…eep!"
He squeaked as Sabertooth picked him up by the scruff, throwing him in the direction he came from.
"Okay, okay, I'm going, I'm going"
"I will carry the food then, yes?", asked Piotr, balancing Wilson on his shoulder as he carried the food bags, following the team off to the town.
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Did you find them all? Do review. Until next time..
