It's a fun life on a boat

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I sure do love the yelling channel".

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Chapter 9 – Damned dirty ape

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"Well, it had to happens eventually", said Remy in wonder, "for once, St.John was actually useful"

"I'd mark it down on the calendar", said Sabertooth, "it probably won't happen ever, ever again"

The group were walking through the village, which appeared to be some sort of tourist trap, with peddlers on the streets selling their wears, or advertising shows.

"Great a show, just what I need", said Piotr sadly.

"You're just upset dat dose kids stole your volleyball", said Remy.

"Wilson's in a better place now", sighed Piotr.

"I say we just check into a hotel, then all go our separate ways", announced Jason, then smiled, "I can go back to Italy, I don't have to hang around you guys anymore!"

"Don't you want to see your daughter?", asked Piotr.

"Hell, no!"

Pyro looked sadly at them.

"You mean we're all just gonna split up?", he asked, "but…we're a family. Yeah, a dysfunctional screwed-up one, but show me one family that isn't!"

"Oh, you just don't want to go home and have to become a fire-fighter", said Sabertooth.

Pyro whimpered.

"Oh that's right, Victor, make me feel worse!", he said.

"Before you start crying, hand over our cash so we can go to a hotel", said Jason.

"Ahh…about that", Pyro winced, "well, between buying the food, and the cinema, and the laser tag, and the new Zippo lighter…."

"…You spent all our money?", Sabertooth twitched, "he spent all our money!"

"Victor, don't kill", said Remy, "look, I can get us some money.."

"Don't even think about it, Not-So-Artful Dodger", said Jason, "this is a small island, if you get caught, we go to jail"

"Do not pass go, do not collect two hundred of your American dollars", said Piotr, then blinked, "what?"

"I won't get caught", sniffed Remy, "I'm de prince of de T'ieves Guild! I was trained by Fagin!" (1)

"Funny, you don't come off as someone who grew up in Victorian London", said Jason.

"…..Shut up", said Remy with a growl, stalking off, "you won't be so smirky when I got us some money!"

As the Cajun stormed off, Pyro, ever one to be distracted by 'pretty things', wandered off to one of the billboards, announcing various evening entertainment to be found on the island.

"Hey, guys, lookit this!"

"Unless it's promising free shots of tequila, I'm not all that interested", said Jason.

"Bobo, the roller-blading chimp", read Piotr, then blinked at picture of the sad looking animal, "poor guy"

"Hey", grinned Pyro, "he looks just like Jason!"

"No he does not!", snapped Jason, "that is a chimp, an ape. You keep reiterating that I look like a monkey, therefore, I can't look like a chimp. HAH!"

"……Are you even listening to yourself?", asked Sabertooth.

"How much do you want a telepathic lobotomy?", asked Jason, "really?"

A vendor nearby walked over, a huge grin on his face.

"Americans?"

"No, actually", said Sabertooth, "I'm Canadian, he's Australian, he's Russian, and the monkey-guy's from…umm…Italy…or England, I forget"

"The only American we've got has gone off to get himself in trouble", said Piotr.

"Oh", the man frowned, "but tourists, yes?"

"We're tourists with no money", said Jason, "go away"

"Awww", the vendor looked sad, then pointed at the Bobo sign, "no show now, it's been cancelled. Some animal rights protestors broke in and set them all free"

"Awwww", said Pyro happily, "hear that, Jas? Your doppelganger is free!"

Jason visibly twitched.

"I'm going to leave, now", he said, "if I ever run into you people again, it will be too soon"

Piotr blinked at Jason stalked off.

"And then there were three"

Pyro glanced over at Sabertooth and Piotr hopefully.

"We'll stick together, right?", he smiled, "it can be like the odd couple, and Sabes can be our cat! Do do do de do de do"

"First of all: just, no", said Sabertooth, "and second of all, that's the theme tune to Bewitched, you idiot"

"I am going to find out if I can smuggle myself back to Russia", said Piotr starting to walk away.

"PLEASE!", cried Pyro clinging onto Piotr's leg, stopping him from moving, "I can't go back and live with Dad! I can't live a lie!"

"Then live somewhere else", said Piotr, shaking his foot, sending the Aussie flying down a steep hill.

Piotr paused, watching him bump on some pointy rocks before hitting the bottom.

"Umm….if anyone asks….he tripped, da?"

"Fine by me", said Sabes, "come on, Petey, lets go see if Remy's got any cash yet"

Dow at the bottom of the hill, Pyro opened his eyes. Hey, he wasn't dead. Ooooooh his head hurt though.

"For bonza car insurance deals, Girls get on to Sheila's Wheels", he sang dazedly, before blinking at someone standing by him, "oh, there you are!" (2)

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"I can't believe we lost Gambit", said Sabertooth, as he and Piotr walked the streets, looking for him, "I mean, how hard is it to find a Cajun with red-on-black eyes? They aren't exactly a dime a dozen!"

"Hey, guys, wait up!"

"Oh no", Piotr sighed sadly, "St.John regained consciousness"

They paused, watching as Pyro ran up to them, dragging someone along behind them.

"I found Jason!", said Pyro proudly, "see? I knew he wouldn't abandon us!"

Both Sabertooth and Piotr looked down at Jason. Then at Pyro. Then back at Jason again.

"…..Pyro", Piotr wasn't sure how to put this, "….that's a chimp"

"No, it's Jason", said Pyro, "you know he doesn't like being called that"

"No, it's a chimp", said Sabertooth, "… a chimp with a coat on"

Pyro blinked, then took a closer look at 'Jason'.

"Oh", he said, "…that explains why he wanted to groom me"

"This must be the one that got released", said Sabertooth, "maybe there's a reward goin'. We could get some cash…."

"No!", said Pyro, "I like Little Jason. I want to keep him"

"We can't take a chimpanzee home with us, St.John", sighed Piotr.

"Why not?", asked Pyro, "Victor took home Rabid from his holiday, why can't I have a pet too!"

"Because we don't want dangerous wild animals in our home", said Jason, walking up to them, "….turns out, there's no way off the island after six"

"Awww, so you came home!", smiled Pyro, "we're a family again! And with Little Jason, we have more!"

Jason arched a brow.

"Little Jason?", he asked, then looked down at the chimp, "……please tell me I hit my head, and this is a really bad self-induced illusionary nightmare"

"Afraid not", said Sabertooth, then turned to see a couple of squad cars heading in their direction, "oh, just great, just great!"

"Stop where you are!", came the police loudspeaker, "you are under arrest for possession of a stolen animal!"

"This is why we can't take you anywhere", growled Sabertooth, shooting Pyro a glare.

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Pyro sighed sadly, sketching another notch in the wall, one of many.

"It's hard to believe how long we've been here", he said, shaking his head.

"Two hours", said Remy, "three, for me"

"So much for the 'Prince of Thieves', huh?", smirked Sabertooth.

"Shut up!", snapped Remy, "Piotr, why can't you just smash the bars?"

"That would be breaking the law", said Piotr, "and that is wrong"

"……You really should have just joined the X-Men", said Jason, "no, really, you should"

There was a metallic hum as the bars shuddered.

"No one is joining the X-Men".

Sabertooth looked up and clapped his hands in glee.

"Magneto, Magneto's back!", he cheered.

"You came back for us, Boss!", said Pyro, "oh, you are a good man, a kind man , a handsome man"

"Precious", whispered Sabertooth with a smirk.

"And you're precious … ", said Pyro (3)

"……Okay then", blinked Magneto, then sighed as an officer opened the door, "I bailed you idiots out after I got a telegram. You'd better get out before I change my mind"

"Back to the boat", Piotr sighed, "well…land was good while it lasted"

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(1) – Yeah, Remy's trainer, canon wise was called Fagin. Zero points to Marvel for originality, there.

(2) – I don't know if this car insurance jingle is used anywhere out of the UK (or even in Australia, for that matter) but a fun jingle it is. The kind you can't get out of your head once it's in there. My Mum HATES it, and I delight singing it to her to annoy her.

(3) – From Muppet Treasure Island. Clueless Morgan rocks.

And there we go, that's a lot of built up insanity released in this chapter. Not good, when uni work stops me from writing. Do review. Until next time…