Ok, so hold on here guys. As some of you know, I've fractured one of my fingers, so typing is just a bit harder with the splint on. Now I would also like to say that I'm sorry for having these last chapters take so long. As most of you know, I do have a life, and he decided to show up over the past week or so, and throw my nice little order and time table into chaos. My life doesn't like me. So, now, read on because I know how boring me life can be to you all!
Love me, love, say that you love me! Leave me, leave me, go on and leave me! Catchy little tune right?
Disclaimer: life sucks, I own nothing.
Chapter 19:Sharing Thoughts is Dangerous
Lorelai woke up to find the clock telling her it was a little past noon. She was still so tired and depressed from the loss of the baby. That's all she could think about, even while sleeping. She could only feel the emptiness in the pit of her stomach. She had felt sick when she had woken up and she knew it was the fact that there was no more baby inside of her. The nausea might only be caused by a psychological thing, but it was real--not being pregnant and knowing she would never get to hold that baby was making her sick.
She then looked up at the ceiling, willing the tears not to come, and immediately felt the dryness of her mouth. She hadn't had something to drink since last night. She hadn't drunken anything at the hospital because they were pumping the fluids into her. She forced herself up out of bed slowly, trying to keep from bursting into tears.
She didn't know how she would tell Luke. It wasn't something that would just go away like 'oops, I had an extra cup of coffee today.', It was a 'Luke, I lost your baby. Please don't hate me' thing.
Lorelai still couldn't help but blame herself. Maybe is she hadn't been working herself so hard. Maybe if she had listened to Luke a week back when he told her to slow down and take a break. It was her fault she hadn't listened. It was all her fault. But she didn't know that this would be the outcome. If she had, she would have stayed as far away from work as possible. But she didn't know. She didn't know that her stressing out over stupid things at work would kill her baby. She didn't know.
But it was still her fault in her mind. She should have known. She should have been able to see that this was coming. She wasn't getting any younger and the doctor had said that that was a reason to take it slow during this pregnancy. It was her fault she didn't listen. Her fault and now one else's. A tear fell down her face at this thought and she quickly wiped it away.
She exited the room tiredly. She was still getting mild cramps, and add that with the nausea, and you've got yourself a very unenthusiastic Lorelai. She clutched her side as a light pain shot across her abdomen. She winced in pain but stayed standing, using the door frame for support.
Normally she could handle the pain of life, but today, it had not only hit her with the physical pain but the emotional pain too. It was typically one or the other, but life just liked to have some fun every once in a while she thought.
Once the pain had subsided, she started to walk slowly towards the stairs. She could feel the weight of life pressing down on her heart, waiting for it to snap in two. Little did she know that life didn't need to help this process along; someone Lorelai loved was about to do it for her.
She had made her way down the stairs and was now about to head into the kitchen to satisfy her thirst, but her eye caught sight of someone standing in the foyer. It was Luke.
He looked angry. It looked as if he had run to her house with the intent of taking that anger out on someone. Most likely Lorelai seeing as she was the only one at the house. But what had she done? She had come home late last night, but that would never have compelled Luke to express his anger. There must have been more. Or maybe he wasn't mad at her and just needed to vent about something. That might be the case, but either way, Lorelai had to tell him. She had to tell him that she had lost the baby. She had lost one of the two things that gave them a reason to get up in the morning. Jake was the other one, but he was safe with Rory. Lorelai would never hurt him and neither would Luke.
But how should she tell him? How? He was standing there and Lorelai knew that someone had to speak up. Someone had to initiate communications. Lorelai decided she would have to.
"Luke. What are you doing here?" she asked him almost in a whisper. She was still tired and really thirsty. Maybe she could make it into the kitchen while talking to Luke. Or maybe this was one of those things where you have to stand still or the other person thinks you're walking away. Either way, she was not in the mood to talk until she had at least had that cup of water. Maybe if there was enough water, she could drown her sadness in it.
"I was about to ask you the same thing." he retorted. How can she just stand there, acting as if everything is ok? I've been worried about her for the past two months, making sure she has everything she needs, and this is how she repays me? Does she think I'm stupid? That I don't know what's going on? He asked himself.
"What?" she asked confusedly. What is he talking about? This is my house! What the hell is going on inside his head? Why is he being so harsh and cold? Why is Luke acting this way?
"Last night." he said, trying to refresh her memory. Don't think I don't know what's going on! I wonder if it's Christopher again this time!
"What?" she asked still confused. What the hell is he talking about?
"Last night you come home two hours late and you come home with the excuse that you didn't realize what time it was. How do you not notice when two hours goes by? And then of course there's this morning. You snuck out of the house at five. You NEVER get up before seven, and then you tell me you're craving something? You know I would have made you anything that you wanted at that moment! Even though we were fighting and I couldn't stand to be near you with the lie you gave me last night, I still would have made you anything you wanted to eat because you're pregnant with my child! And even though all of that has happened, I still love you! How could I have been such an idiot! Do you enjoy making people miserable? Do you enjoy having a secret that you think I won't find out about? Well even after all of that, I still was a little unsure if what I thought was true. Until of course Rory came to tell me that you were with her. You said that you two had made plans for tomorrow and that she had something she had to get done or something today so she couldn't spend any time with you today." he ranted.
"Luke, it's not what it looks like--" she said as she tried to explain. She was too tired to deal with this now, but she had to. She was too depressed to deal with this now, but she had too. She just didn't want to deal with this now, but she had to.
"Are you going to tell me that it doesn't look like you are cheating on me?" he asked. This caught Lorelai by surprise. Her, cheating? After all the love she had for Luke, and now he accuses her of cheating. Why were their lives turning into such a soap opera? Why? Why couldn't it just be some happy little fairy tale? Why? Oh, because it's life. And life is always testing them. But were they going to pass this test, or fail it? How can he think that I'm cheating on him? How? How the hell did that idea pop into his mind? This is so out of character for Luke to be saying these things and to not be trusting me!
"Did you just accuse me of cheating?" she asked him. She knew he did but she just wanted to make sure before she jumped to extreme conclusions. Why is he doing this? Why? She asked herself.
So not only was she being accused of cheating by someone who would never accuse anyone of such a thing without proof, but she still had to tell him that she had lost the little fetus that they had both looked forward to holding in their arms in six months.
"Well what else could you have been doing? I called you six times last night! You didn't answer. I called your cell, and it was turned off! This morning, I wake up to find you sneaking out at least two hours before you normally wake up! Rory tells me you're with her! She comes and picks Jake up, I don't see you, and so I came here to see what the hell was going on!" he yelled. Lorelai was shocked. They had somehow made it into the kitchen and she was leaning against the table.
"Why would you think I was cheating? Have I ever given you any reason to suspect that I am?" she yelled back.
"Lorelai! You never were one to stick to one guy! After a while, you get bored and just move on to the next!" he yelled at her. Well, it was true. Remember the coffee analogy? It was tearing him up inside to say all of these things, but he had been willing last night, to tell her how much he loved her and to show her he was committed to her by proposing, and now she was sneaking out of the house, coming home late, avoiding him. What else could it be? He didn't want to accuse her, but he was pretty damn sure that that was what was going on.
"How dare you! How dare you accuse me of having sex with another man! Are you too damn stupid to see that I love you? Are you?" she yelled back as tears streamed down her face. She could feel the tear in her heart stretch farther and farther.
"Then what the hell was last night, and this morning? What was that?" he yelled. Lorelai couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't. Luke was pushing her too far and she was about ready to just tell him to leave her life forever. Maybe she would.
Even though he had given so much to her, she had given so much back. She had been the one to lighten up Luke's days; she had been the one to help him when he really needed it. She had always cared. And when they had finally gotten together, she had always been there. She may have had some truth issues, but he had his trust issues. Lorelai had been pregnant for 9 months with his son. She had pushed him out of her, given him Luke's name. She had never even thought of doing that with Rory. But every time she made a decision regarding Jake, she always thought 'what would Luke do?'. She had given him all of her love. He had gotten more than any other man had ever dreamed of. Lorelai would die for Luke, but he didn't care. He didn't see. He just had insecurities mixed with trust issues.
"Get the hell out of my house!" she yelled in anger. She knew that if he stayed any longer she might actually hurt him. She had just lost her baby and was now being accused of cheating. She couldn't take it. She needed him out.
"What?" Luke asked in confusion. Did she just tell me to leave? Her house? But…but what about the baby? What about Jake? He thought to himself.
"Luke, get the hell out of this house. I can't stand it anymore! You are always accusing me of doing something with some other man! First it was Christopher and now some other mystery guy you have created in your head! Just leave Luke. Don't come back. I don't want to see your face again." she spat at him.
"But what about the baby?" he whispered. He didn't want to be cut off from the child that would be entering the world in six months. He didn't want to be cut off from this baby's life too. She had already done that with Jake, and now she was trying to repeat the process all over again.
"Oh! So now you care? Well there is no more baby! This morning, I rushed out of the house to the hospital only to find out that I lost it! I lost the baby! There! You happy now? That's why I 'snuck' out! " She yelled through the tears that were now pouring freely down her face.
"Lorelai, I'm--" he started to apologize. As he reached out his arms towards her. What does he think I'll do? Just forgive him like that? Just let him back in? just pretend like he does trust me? That he does think I'm telling the truth?
"No Luke. Stay away from me." she said, pushing his arm away from her. "Don't even think about saying sorry. Just get out. No amount of hugs or kisses can change the fact that you just accused me of sleeping with another man! I've been here all day wondering if you would hate me, or if you would leave me, but now I just see that you are filled with unreasonable jealousy! I've been here CRYING" she screamed, "all damn morning long because my baby's gone, Luke! It's gone! I keep thinking it's my fault, it's my fault this baby will not be born, and maybe that is true, but I don't want your sympathies, you comforting, just because I've been going through this pain. You should be here giving that comfort even when I'm not in pain, even when I'm not dying of guilt!"" she said. She was amazed that he thought that she would give in this time. She was amazed that he thought that she would just let him back into her bed and heart.
"Lorelai, please. I didn't--" he tried again. He knew he had screwed up. He knew that she probably wouldn't let him back in right away, but he had to try. He had to find a way to make things better.
"Please just go Luke. I can't…I can't talk…I can't talk about this with you. Please just go." she pleaded. She didn't see Luke as an equal anymore. She didn't see him as her friend anymore. She didn't see him as her confident anymore. She didn't see him as someone she could ever love again anymore.
"Why?" he asked. He was still processing the thought of not having that baby in his arms in 6 months. He was still trying to imagine a life without another baby. He had immediately latched onto the idea of another life joining the family, and now she was telling him to just let it go. Let the thought of that happy family go. Let it all just go and start over. Without Lorelai of course.
"Because it hurts to talk about it! I lost my child that was growing inside of me, and it hurts to talk about it Luke! I used to be able to talk to you about these things, but now I can't. You aren't the man I used to know, you aren't the loving, trusting man I let into my heart! You aren't the man that I made love to almost every night for the past five months. You aren't that man Luke. And it hurts to talk to you more than you will ever know! It's tearing me up inside to even think about it! And you have just added to that pain! Just leave! For Christ's sake, just leave!" she yelled. Luke slowly backed away from her and made his way to the front door. Before he left he shouted to her.
"You may not want me around but you have no right to keep me from Jake!" this made Lorelai shed even more tears as she fell to the floor. She felt so exhausted. She slowly lifted herself up and got herself a drink. She then noticed how Sookie had cleaned up the table and had removed the candles. Sookie had to be the best friend Lorelai had ever had. Besides Luke of course. Lorelai burst into tears again as she made her way into the living room and sat down on the couch.
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Please warn me before you throw the rotten tomatoes. Remember, girl with a splint! Cut some slack! Please? Ok, so I think you all should review. If I could go through the pain of not only fracturing my finger, but writing this chapter only a day afterwards, then I think you can take three seconds to review. Or more if you feel like really making my finger heal faster. It's a really big fan of my reviewers.
And I love to hear what you think of my story so far. I've gotten many reviews saying they like it, and some saying they don't. I enjoy both kinds of reviews, especially when you say why you hate or love it. Remember, Ducks have feeling too, we don't like feeling ignored.
REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!
