AN: First and foremost, William Blake did write a poem called The Little Girl Lost, but this is not it. This is The Little Boy Lost with fitting gender shifts from "boy" to "girl" (and "father" to "mother"). I didn't use the actual Little Girl one because I didn't like it. Oh and for the record, he also wrote The Little Boy Found and The Little Girl Found.
Then, once again, I've taken what I could wring from Volume 1, but other than that this is conjecture. And bear with Tohru's grandfather calling her Tohru that once; I figure he wasn't in the habit of calling her Kyoko-san yet.
One last thing: I know this was before Tohru had any real contact with Yuki, but she did seem to have been paying him at least cursory (inasmuch as Tohru can do anything without devoting her heart and soul to it…) homage as High School Prince from way back, so I put in a little mention of him.
Dedication: Still, always, and forever: yukiislikesnow.
The Little Girl Lost
"Mother! mother! where are you going?
"O do not walk so fast.
"Speak, mother, speak to your little girl,
"Or else I shall be lost."
The night was dark, no mother was there;
The child was wet with dew;
The mire was deep, & the child did weep,
And away the vapour flew.
"Our house is so small."
Kyoko-san… You were like a daughter to me.
"She's too young to get married."
Even after my Katsuya died, she took care of me, the way girls used to when things were simpler. Neater times.
"Mommy, can I have candy?"
I never thought she could die. She was so vivacious, so aggressively full of life. Not one of those weak-willed girls you get nowadays. No, she took care of me because she wanted to.
"My parents are staying at my place."
And now she's gone. What are we supposed to do?
"Quiet! Calm down."
This last comes from a tall man who seems to think he can do something to help here. Maybe he can, I wouldn't know. I'm just an old man who's not quite there anymore. That's what they think.
But they're the ones using my Kyoko's wake to bicker over one of their petty confusions.
"All right," the man says, looking around at everyone with an expression that might suggest he isn't sure what to now that they're looking at him. They won't mind. They'll squabble about everything he says, but they'll do it. And get to blame him when things go wrong.
"All right," he repeats. "Now, everyone with a house large enough for another occupant, please consider the girl's predicament before you reject her out of hand." He keeps talking, singling people out one by one. As each one comes up with an excuse, the girl in the corner, dressed in black and clutching a white bag, sinks lower into her chair.
Looking at her, something in the back of my mind chimes. Recognition.
At first, I think it's her expression. It looks like my heart. The hole behind her eyes is so deep and empty.
Then something fills it and tears spill out, and I know what it is. She's Kyoko's girl.
Kyoko-san… my Kyoko-san… How could you leave her?
I surprise myself by feeling angry.
Couldn't you have driven more carefully? Couldn't you have…But of course she couldn't. That was Kyoko-san.
I hoist myself to my feet and shuffle over. "Tohru-san, would you like to come stay with me?" I ask.
She looks up at me. Her face is too blurry for me to really make out, but her tone is heartbreaking.
"Oh – oh, Grandpa, you don't have to do that. You should be enjoying your retirement, not taking care of another child. And – and I'm sure they'll – sort it out." Her face works into a rictus even I can make out, a travesty, that such a pretty face should be made ugly by an attempt to smile.
"Oh, is that what they're arguing about?" I wonder vaguely. Surely not, not right in front of her. But then, she so vehemently doesn't mind…
"No, no, you must move in with me. It will be good. An old man doesn't want to be alone, you know. I can't take care of everything by myself."
"But I couldn't possibly impose," she starts, face turning bright red. This won't do at all; she's nothing like Kyoko. People will take advantage of her, if she doesn't stand up for herself.
"Do you not want to come with me?" I ask. Maybe she really doesn't. She could have other plans.
"No, I do! I love you very much Grandpa! And I would take good care of you and your house and make your food and pay for my own schooling and everything!"
"Good, good," I say. She seems very determined, and so insistent. "You come with me then," I add.
The wake's over really. When we walk past the others, they stare at Tohru for some reason, and she bows. She's still thanking them when I walk out the door, and has to run to catch up.
Three Weeks Earlier
"Honda-san, would you please come to the psychologist's office? There was a call for you."
"Ah… yes!" I cry, blushing.
Oh no, what is it? Am I in trouble?
I bet Sensei is really embarrassed, having me called out of her class like that. I bet Sohma-kun thinks I've done something awful.
I smile over my shoulder at Hana-chan and Uo-chan, so they won't worry, and start down the hall after the assistant.
I want to ask what the call's about, but that might be rude. They might think I was trying to fake innocence for whatever crime I'm being accused of. I would never do that! If I did something, I would own up to it right away! I wouldn't want anyone else blamed for my sins.
"I confess!"
The assistant looks over his shoulder at me. "What?"
"I mean, if I had done something, I would confess." I cover my face. "Do you think I did something?" What if it's the police on the phone?
"Nooo… Um… did you?"
"No! I mean, I don't think so. Maybe I did without meaning to? Do you think that could be it?"
"Ah… Honda, you are really strange, you know that? Anyway, I think they just want to talk to you for some reason."
"Oh. Okay. I'm sorry for being strange."
"That's okay." He rolls his eyes. "Here you go, then." He opens the door and I step into the psych office, bowing my thanks just before he closes the door.
"Honda-san?" Says the nice woman behind the desk. I mean, she looks nice. I wouldn't know from first-hand experience because I've never had to come here before. I only just started high school this year, after all.
"Yes! I am!" I try to stand to attention and look respectable and not bring shame to the family name.
"Please have a seat, Honda-san. I have some news that will be very hard for you to hear."
The bottom of my stomach drops away. "Wh – what news…?"
"Please have a seat."
I finally do. The room seems so dark all of a sudden. And the chair is so awkward… I'm used to chairs at school, but something about it seems different.
"Honda-san, I just received a call from the Takai Hospital. There's been an accident."
"No."
"I'm very sorry, Honda-san, but your mother…there was an automobile accident, and she didn't make it."
"No. No, you – she –" I force myself to smile. "Not my mother."
"I realize this is hard to accept, Honda-kun. And I'm going to be right here with you to help you work through your grief –"
"I have to go." My voice reaches my ears a little too late, and I sound oddly like Hana-chan.
"What? Honda-san, please sit back down –"
I didn't tell her. I didn't tell her. I – did – n't – tell – her –
Be safe!
The words race through my mind over and over in time to the pounding of my feet. On the floor, squeaking on the linoleum. On the steps, flashing so fast I can't see them. On the sidewalk, on the street, on and on.
Please, no you're lying, you're lying.
But if she was lying I would have gone to Mom's work, wouldn't I? Not… not to the hospital.
I look up the address in a public telephone book. I forget it and have to look it up again, and this time I tear out the page.
The names are hard to read now, but I know which one I want. I run there. It's a small town.
But I go so slowly…
I run across the sidewalk, up the stairs, down the linoleum-floored halls. Reverse. Backwards. Turn back time. Bring her back.
Mom -!
I ask at the desk for Honda Kyoko and the man tells me that only family members are allowed.
I say, "I was her daughter."
He looks at me oddly and then he checks the computer and looks up again with all the blood gone from his face.
"She was – the body's in the room still. She just –"
"Which room? Please?"
"Room 419. Up the elevator behind you to the fourth floor, take the first right and you'll see it."
"Thank you." I bow and run away.
The elevator ride is very long, and I can hear the chains holding me up over thirty feet of empty air, more with the basement… it could break.
Please god, let it break.
First right. Keep going. 415, 417…
I push open the door and can't remember if it's the right one. It isn't, it isn't but I can't move, because that woman in the bed…
The lights are off. Her head is turned away from me. Her bright red hair could be Mom's, but she's so small.
So very small…
"Mommy?"
I know it's not the wrong room. I know that the shell on the bed, the body, is not my mom, but that until a while ago it was.
She used to be in there.
I fall on my knees beside her and put my head in my hands on the bed.
That hair… the color of leaves in autumn. It's funny, how alive they look, isn't it? Hair is like that too – it looks alive, but really it's all dead, all but the bit by your scalp…
Leaves…when really they're so colorful because they're bleeding inside.
Because they're dead.
"Mommy…"
I don't understand. You were just there. You were in there. You smiled at me and told me you were going to work.
What am I supposed to do?
How could you leave me?
Where did you go?
I stand and reach out, and gently turn her head. The skin feels cold and like… like my fingerprints will stay in it. Like clay.
"You have a fever again. You don't have to push yourself so hard."
But I did. I had to take care of her. And… and she had to take care of me.
"Tohru, you must always be yourself… and do things at your own pace." I guess maybe I could have, when you were there. I… really could have.
Not anymore.
"Someday… you'll catch up."
Really, Mom?
I know it takes more muscles to frown than to smile. I can never remember quite how many of each, but anyway…
That's just science.
Smiles can be so much heavier than frowns.
"Kyoko-san."
"I'm Tohru, Grandpa. Dinner's ready."
"Thank you, Kyoko-san."
"I'm Tohru."
I know who she is, but her name is Kyoko-san, too.
"Come on in here, Grandpa, and we'll eat, okay?"
"Good, good… Just let me get dressed first, Kyoko-san."
"Tohru, but okay! I'll just be in the kitchen making sure everything stays warm!" She hums as she goes about her work, a tune the other Kyoko-san used to whistle.
I shuffle off to do that, and when I'm done I find a little note on my table.
Tell Kyoko about the family. Ask about housing while remodeling.
Oh, yes. I'd written myself a little note. To make sure I didn't forget. Honestly, I'd lose my own head if it wasn't screwed on my neck.
So when I get back downstairs, I tell her first thing to make sure.
Ask about housing…She could stay with us. They would find room. But I've been thinking about this, imagining this little Kyoko-san living in one house with them. Getting used to it and how they'll treat her. How they'll grind her down.
"My daughter's family is coming to live with us. I though it would be nice to remodel the house before they arrive. During the remodeling, I'll be staying at their place. I'm sorry but could you stay with a friend during that time?"
For a moment, she looks so lost. Not at all like the old Kyoko-san. And then determination lights her features, and she cries, "…Okay!"
She did just lose her mother. Maybe this is wrong.
But with Kyoko-san gone… and look at this little one smile. It could be thought heartless, that she seems so happy so soon.
"Good good. Thank you, Kyoko-san."
If I didn't know what a lie it is.
No, she needs to be somewhere where she can tell the truth, even if that means being by herself.
She needs to know she can stand on her own, and she needs to know now.
I just wish I could give her more time.
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And up next: Momiji, by the 16th at the latest.
