AN: Momiji'll be five, since that's the oldest I can reasonably make him and his mom can't have gone through much longer than that without completely losing it/ getting used to it. This makes Hatori seventeen and Akito nine. Ooh… and also, that makes it the same year I have Kyo's mom dying. Bad year for the Sohma kids, ne?
Disclaimer: I forgot this last time, didn't I…? Well, I don't own the characters or the story or anything here and I never meant to claim it. It's all Takaya's. Also, the poem is not mine, the line is from The Secret Garden, and the question, "What do you want me to say?" and response "Lie to me," are from Buffy the Vampire Slayer's "Lie to Me."
The Little Boy Lost
"Mother! mother! where are you going?
"O do not walk so fast.
"Speak, mother, speak to your little boy,
"Or else I shall be lost."
The night was dark, no mother was there;
The child was wet with dew;
The mire was deep, & the child did weep,
And away the vapour flew.
I've been told to do this, and I will. That is what I do. I obey orders. When they come from the right people…
Hatori, just take care of this. The woman's becoming an embarrassment – more of one than she was, a foreigner, and getting married right out of college like that. She's lucky she gave birth to another like you, or Akito-san likely would have nullified the marriage instead of giving that man a business to run.
My Hatori, ease her pain, will you? I don't like to see Momitchi suffer over her. I want his eyes on me.
Sometimes I do wonder about my judgment in whose orders I obey.
Only I didn't choose them. One is my father, the other my god. They're what I have.
"Are you really… are you really okay with forgetting?"
I don't doubt. I don't question. But it's a simple moral duty to make sure she wants this, to be as sure as possible since it is, for once, her choice. They've only told me to do this because she seemed so anxious for it.
"You're sure you won't… regret it?"
Her face lifts slowly, her smile nothing short of crazed. "The greatest regret I have in this life… is that that creature came out of my body."
I don't flinch. I'm used to being a monster.
To being unforgiven.
But I feel sick when I hear the scuffle of small feet behind the door.
It isn't her fault. She shouldn't have to deal with this.
But it isn't his fault either. And he should never have heard that. Should never have lived for five years like this, with this…
"I want," I say, my voice emotionless, "you to close your eyes and relax. Everything is going to be alright now."
I put my hand over her eyes and make Momitchi disappear, and in my mind I can hear Yuki crying for his friends.
I knock on Momitchi's door.
I don't regret it. I can't, because if I do… I'll regret it all.
It had to be done.
"Momitchi," I say when there is no answer. "It's me, Hatori. May I come in?"
The silence lasts a moment longer, and then he says, "Why?"
What more can you do?
"I need to speak with you a moment."
The disbelieving silence lasts a suffocating eternity, and then the door opens. He looks up from beneath his blue cap and… doesn't smile.
The sheer weight of his ever-present smile's absence…
"Your… your father wants me to take you to the Main House. He needs to be with your mother now."
"Ja, I know." He almost turns his mouth up at the corners. "Mutti will get better now. Because I'm gone."
"Yes, she'll get better."
Oh, Aya. And you think I always know what to say.
"Have you got your things?"
"I have…" he turns and disappears, reappearing with a bag. He looks up at me with a hint of dying desperation. "I thought Vati was going to drop me off?"
"He can't leave your mother just now." I say. There is nothing to follow it, nothing to make it all right.
"Oh." His face falls.
"Is there anyone you'd like me to call?" He likes Haa-kun, doesn't he? And Aya, when Aya's in a mood to pay attention to him…
"No," he says, and smiles again, and we both pretend that anything is alright. "There's no one."
A line from an English musical Aya made me listen to – by playing it very loudly when we were supposed to be studying – drifts through my mind.
I'm afraid there's one left to come.
Days Earlier
"Momiji…" Vati kneels down and puts his arms around, wrapping me up safe and warm. His head falls on my shoulder, and I try not to wonder why he won't look in my eyes.
"Your Mama's case seems hopeless now. But… they say if she forgets about you, she might get better."
It's not my fault. Please, please tell me it's not my fault.
Please lie to me.
"I imagine this will be really hard for you, Momiji." His voice stays under the cover of whispers so he won't cry, and his arms tighten around me. "But Papa will love you more than enough for both of us."
Don't make me say it. Don't make it real.
"If you love Mama too… will you help her?"
What does that leave me to say?
"I – I'll do anything for her, Papa. But if I go away will she really be better? Will she stop crying all the time and be okay just because I'm gone?"
"Momiji-kun, it's not that – it's not you…"
He pulls back to look at me and I wish he wouldn't. I want someone to hold me, and I don't want to see the lie on his face. Don't want to see my Vati searching for words that won't make sense even to a little kid. "But if you help us with this, yes, she will get better. I promise."
Because I'll be gone. Because I hurt her this much.
I smile and say, "Yes, then. For Mutti."
"Thank you, Momiji." Papa hugs me again and I cling to him. Please please please make this go away, make it not real, make it stop.
"You realize, this is going to mean some changes. You'll have to spend time at the Main House, because seeing you too much could make Mama's memories come back. There will be plenty of people to take care of you there, of course, and I'll spend as much time with you as I can and then some. But I have to take care of Mama too. Can you understand that? That even if I don't stay with you all the time, I still love you?"
"Yes, Papa." It's easier to say this time. Maybe someday I'll get used to it. Maybe I'll stop wishing…
"Papa… Could I talk to Mama, though, first?"
He looks at me again. "Ah, Momiji…"
"Please? Please, Papa? One more time?"
"You know your Mama isn't well right now –"
"Mama's never well, but she will be soon, right? So can I talk to her? She doesn't have to answer."
"Ahm, I don't know if – I suppose if that's really what you want…"
"Yes." It's even easier. Just can't say no.
"Well, then… she's in having a lie-down. Just… don't stay too long, will you? Mama doesn't mean to hurt your feelings, Momiji, but she's so upset, you know."
"Okay, Papa."
"Mama? Mama, it's me, Momiji. I'll be really fast so I don't tire you out, I just want to ask you a question, okay?"
The room is dark, and she's sitting staring out a window, curled up in the window seat. She's pale and messy, with bags under her eyes.
She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.
"If I say no, will you go away and leave me alone?" Her voice is on the edge of tears but it's a good day. She doesn't scream.
No, just… doesn't look.
"Mutti –"
"Don't you call me that word."
"Oh." I swallow. "Oh, um. Mama, are you really going to get all better just from forgetting about me?"
Hair like sunlight falls around her face. Daisies and butter and sunflowers, little chicks and gold. Happy hair, hair that means warmth and love.
"How can you even ask me that? You? You're not possible. There are humans and there are animals and there is nothing in between. There isn't. You're an abomination."
Please, her eyes say, half-hidden behind her hair and staring at the wall. Please tell me there isn't. Please…
Lie to me.
"Okay, Mama. I love you."
I back out and shut the door. I slide down to the floor and hide my face in my hands to cry, but I keep hoping she'll hear.
I'm not strong. I want her to tell me she loves me too.
I want her to keep trying.
I want her to love me.
I didn't mean to not be good enough. It was an accident.
Just an accident.
"Hatori." The name is spoken so softly I come close to not hearing it. I've nearly drifted off, sitting here outside the door to Akito's bedroom and waiting.
"Hm? Oh, I'm sorry, Kureno…"
The fifteen-year-old shakes his head and points behind him, to the door. He wasn't in there before, was he…? "Don't be. But Akito wants you now."
"Thank you." I stand. One of my feet has gone to sleep without me.
Oh, and now I'm using their expressions. It's deprived of circulation due to prolonged pressure, not asleep. Thank you, Aya and Gure.
Ignoring the uncomfortable prickling, I open the door again as Kureno does that eerie sliding-into-the-shadows thing he does.
The room is dark, of course. It always is; all of his rooms are too dark. And with the sun nearly set, the only light even from the half-shuttered windows is dying, the color of rust or blood.
"Hatori…" I turn, and there they are. On his bed. Akito is leaning against the corner of the wall, Momitchi cradled on his lap. Even in this light, I can see that the blond boy is sleeping, cheeks sticky with dried tears.
"Did you hear him, Hatori? He cried so hard… for so long… I think he exhausted himself just crying. I'd forgotten how tiring it can be."
"I suppose, especially as he's so small, it would be tiring."
So small…
Whether what I did was right is irrelevant. I did what I was told to.
"I want him to stay with you tonight."
"What? With me?"
"Yes, with you." A trace of irritation. "I have been very understanding, because I love him very much, but there are limits. I've made him feel better, or at least not as bad, but he's going to wake up tonight crying. For her." He spits the word. "Stupid, ugly woman. Not treasuring my precious Momitchi… So much for the better, really… It's not as if she could have him. He's been taught early on whom to turn to…
"But I seem to have drifted off the subject." He smiles at me as the light dies just a bit more. It's a beautiful smile.
"What I meant to say is, that if he continues to cry over her I may just lose my patience. I'll see him again tomorrow… and there will be people to look after him… however. I want you to watch over him for me, serene Hatori. All right?"
It may be phrased as a question, but it's not one. And I'm always relieved when he relaxes his jealous vigilance over our interaction, so I nod and summon a smile myself. "I'll watch over him for you."
My father is not going to be pleased about an unannounced guest in our rooms of the House if he's awake.
But then, pleased is not something that he generally is.
Another few months until graduation. Then… then things will change.
"Father?" I say it very softly, and not entirely because I don't wish to wake the pliant form in my arms.
There's no answer. That delays the "You were out late last night" speech until morning, at least.
I slip into my room and lay the boy on the bed, flicking on the bedside lamp and fishing through his messily packed suitcase for something resembling pajamas.
No… no… in fact, most of his packing seems to consist of stuffed animals, games, and books. Board books, photo albums…
I can't open those.
I sift until I find at least some clothes, and then look in silence at the packing job of five-year-old whose parents didn't think to check his suitcase.
Somehow, this, out of everything, is what makes my throat close and eyes burn.
I'll never make this happen to someone. I am never, ever going to make memories that will have to be erased. They're so much younger, but I have to learn from their mistakes.
I will not let this happen because of me.
"Mutti?" Momitchi stirs and opens his eyes.
The light. Damn.
"Akito?"
"Momitchi… you're going to spend the night here, all right?"
"Hatori?" He sits up, scrubbing at his face with the back of his hand. His voice trembles. "But – but I don't want –" He hiccups and continues, "I don't want to stay with you…"
I blink uncertainly. I wish Shigure were here. "Why not?"
He drops his hands and, too tired to pretend, just looks.
The look – bafflement, anger, loss, agony – is like a punch to the gut.
Because it was you. You did it.
"Momitchi, I only did what I had to," I say firmly. "You have every right to blame me, but you do have to stay here tonight."
"N –" he starts.
What? What can you say, what can you do?
How can you still feel you matter?
You're gone.
"Okay," he murmurs.
"Just… try to get some sleep. And then wherever you want to stay, we can arrange tomorrow."
His eyes are broken, as empty as my words. We both know where he wants to stay.
"All right." I sigh, dropping my head. "That wasn't true. But even if you hate me, and if it helps feel free to… I'm what you've got tonight. So if there's anything I can do to –"
He hurls himself from the edge of the bed and into my arms, hugging me fiercely, looking up at me with eyes so focused it's unnerving.
"It's not there…"
His arms go limp.
"What's not there?"
"The feeling inside… When Vati hugs me and everything is warm and almost full… the bits Mama left empty? Akito-san fills me up all the way inside when he hugs me, but it's so cold." He clenches my shirt in tiny fists. "You're a good hugger, Hatori," he adds, as if anxious, now, not to hurt my feelings. "It's just that… I don't think I'm ever going to be warm and all filled up, ever. Do you?"
What do you want me to say?
I shake my head honestly.
"I don't know."
AN: Review candy much wanted! Please be honest. Like the little review thingy says, we're all here to grow as writers... or something like that...
Right, Rin's next, and unless someone can think of someone else I should do, that'll be it.
Oh, and a fun game for Momiji fans who own the CD 200km In the Wrong Lane by t.A.T.u., try listening to the song Malchik Gay and, whenever they say "Malchik gay" replace it with "Momiji." It's fun. The song turns into, for example,
I want to pull you
Closer, closer, closer, closer
As you leave me feeling frozen
Momiji, Momiji,
I can be all you need
Momiji, Momiji
Won't you please stay with me
Momiji, Momiji...
And no, I don't own that either.
