I felt fake, like I had been putting up a front. I wasn't going to lie and say I wasn't, but I didn't want to. It was just the only way to hide what I felt. It was hard to keep myself in check, especially around Dimitri. He could read me so easily, and I desperately tried to close myself off so that he would realize how off I was.

I was genuinely surprised when Dimitri showed up at Mia's place a few days after my revelation, asking me to join him for an early dinner. I wanted to see him though, despite the heavy feeling in my chest about the baby.

Dinner was nice, and it felt nice to wear something other than jeans or sweat pants. With the warm temperatures, I opted for a simple sundress, to which Dimitri complimented almost as soon as he saw me. I think I needed to get out of the house, and the outside seating of the restaurant seemed to lift my spirits considerably.

I jumped slightly when Dimitri's hand came to rest on my wrist, pulling me from my inner monologue.

"Are you alright?"

I nodded and gave him a small smile. "I'm fine, why?"

"You've been staring that baby for at least five minutes. Someone's going to get concerned if you keep staring," he said, rubbing the inside of my thumb gently. "Something is bothering you; I can see it."

I wagered voicing my concerns but thought better against it. It wouldn't be fair to burden him with this, he already has enough to deal with and think about.

"I'm fine," I repeated, placing my other hand on his and patted it in reassurance. Dimitri raised a brow at me, not convinced, but decided to humour me for now and let the subject go.

That thrilled me and disappointed me. I wanted to tell him so badly, but couldn't bring myself to do it.

I took a glance around and spotted Eddie sitting a few tables away with Celeste, one of Dimitri private security agents. I had met Celeste formally last week, and aside from the stern look on her face, I learned very quickly that she was in fact a very bubbly and friendly person. Eddie's gaze met mine as he did his sweep, and gave me a short, but kind smile. I returned the smile and looked back to Dimitri.

"How has work been?" I asked. It was a monotonous question, but I still wanted to know how it was going for him.

"Fine, a little busy, but busy is a good thing. I meant to ask you, how is your shoulder? You mentioned hurting it earlier this week at the gym."

I subconsciously reached up and rubbed my left shoulder, wincing when my fingers brushed over my bruise. "It's better, it still hurts if I move it too quickly or touch it," I said pulling my hand away and pressing my lips into a firm line.

Dimitri's look of concern was touching, and he squeezed my hand before letting go of it.

"I suppose that means I should be even nicer to you today, and let you know that I small surprise for you," Dimitri said with a carefree smirk.

I raised my brows and leaned against the table. "A surprise?"

Dimitri smirked a smirk sent a shiver through my body and nodded.

"But I'm not letting you in on it until after dinner," he said with a playful wink. I raised my brows at him and played along with him.

Dimitri made me promise to keep my eyes closed the whole way back from dinner, and a small smile was splayed on my lips. I was giddy and happy to feel something other than sadness. I felt the car stop and Dimitri whispered again to keep my eyes closed. I nodded and waited for him to come around to my side of the car to help me out.

A giggle slipped from my lips when Dimitri slipped his hands over my eyes, guiding me carefully up some stairs. We wandered a bit longer and I heard him say something quietly before a door opened and we walked through. Excitement was bubbling up inside me as the seconds ticked on.

"Ready?" Dimitri asked quietly, his lips close to my ear as he spoke. I nodded my head the best I could with his hands over my eyes. Dimitri removed his hands and I opened my eyes, my jaw dropping when I took in the view in front of me.

"The Cloisters," I said quietly, more to myself than to Dimitri. I turned and looked at him, another smile crossing my lips. "How did you make this happen? They closed an hour ago!"

Dimitri shrugged and smiled at me. "Security secrets," he said with a laugh.

I laughed and stepped closing, flinging my arms around his neck as I stretched up on my toes to hug him.

"Thank you," I whispered, hugging him as tightly as I could. Dimitri returned my embrace and rested his face on my shoulder, hugging me just as tight. I pulled away and turned back to the gardens, admiring the awe and beauty.

The Cloisters, or the Met Cloisters, was a museum on Fort Tryon park that was governed over by the MET. A museum and garden that displayed European medieval art and architecture. We were currently standing in one of the gardens, and I felt a wave of peace come over me.

I had good memories here. Memories of me and both my parents when I was little. Well, more like early teens, but I was still younger.

"How did you know that I liked this place?" I asked Dimitri as I ran my hand over a stone archway.

"You mentioned once that you wanted to go to one of the exhibits here, but the tickets were sold out. I figured, why not get you a private showing where you can see everything and anything for the next three hours."

I turned to face him, awe crossing my face again. "Three hours?!"

Dimitri nodded and followed behind me as I walked through the courtyard, eagerly listening to me as I explained what I remembered from when I was younger. By the time we made it to the chapel I was getting tired, but I didn't want to leave, I wanted to soak in every minute that I could.

Eventually, I started to sway slightly on my aching feet when Dimitri came and stood directly behind me, letting me lean back against his chest for support. Dimitri wrapped his arms around me lightly to support me.

"So, did I make you feel better? Even if you won't tell me what's bothering you?"

I rolled my head back against his chest and looked up at him with a tired smile. "Yes. A million times better. Thank you," I said, resting my head back against his chest. Dimitri smiled down at him and his smile sent a tremble through my body.

He had a beautiful smile.

I hope the baby has his smile, I thought to myself, only to feel a slight pang in my chest.


Was it wrong to be in such a horrible mood when Dimitri was in an equally good mood? Dimitri was practically ecstatic for this appointment, while I was dreading it. I didn't want to hear the whooshing heartbeat or see the tiny little fingers and toes on the monitor.

Because it wouldn't be enough.

I lifted my shirt up and tucked the tissue-like clothe into the waistband of my pants. The gel was applied to my stomach and Dr. Miles put the wand on my stomach. I heard their heartbeat and I closed my eyes, trying to hold get ahold of my emotions. I needed to distance myself from them because they weren't mine to love.

As Dr. Miles turned the screen for Dimitri and me to look at, but I turned my head away from the screen and Dimitri, looking at the wall.

"I have a very good view; do you want to know what you're having?"

Please say no, please say no, please say no.

"Yes please," Dimitri replied and I could hear the smile in his voice.

"You have yourself a little girl," Dr. Miles said, and I let a tear slip down my cheek. A girl. A girl that I wouldn't be able to love. My lip quivered as I tried to hold myself together so that they wouldn't notice me crying.

A few moments later Dr. Miles gently wiped the gel from my stomach.

"Mr. Belikov, if you don't mind stepping out of the room, there are some things I need to discuss with Ms. Hathaway privately," Dr. Miles explained. I turned my head back after quickly clearing my cheeks of tears and started to sit up. Dimitri looked concerned but Dr. Miles reassured him.

"It's nothing for concern, just some standard things I need to take to Rose about."

Dimitri looked at me and I plastered a fake smile on my face before he nodded and walked out of the room. I adjusted my shirt while Dr. Miles gave me a moment before he sat on the stool in front of me.

"Are you okay?"

I looked up from my lap and nodded, but he didn't seem convinced. "Can I call you Rose?"

I nodded again. "Rose, I've seen a lot of women come through this office. Whether it be for their own pregnancies or as surrogates. But I've never seen a surrogate turn away from an ultrasound like that," he said gently, tilting his head to look at me better. I met his gaze as tears welled in my eyes again.

"I feel like I've made a mistake," I whispered, resting my hands on my stomach.

"How so?"

"Not that it was a mistake to help someone have a baby. But I thought I could do it without getting attached, but now…I love this baby and I know that I don't get to keep her and I just… I just don't know how to deal with that feeling. This little person is a part of me too. After Jenny…" I said, trailing off as a few more tears slipped out. Dr. Miles rolled his stool back and picked up a box of tissues and set them down on the bed beside me.

"I thought I could handle it. Or at least beat down most of the emotions down," I said wiping my cheeks.

"How long have you been feeling like this?"

I don't know. Maybe a few weeks? A month at most? Not very long?"

"And have you had problems sleeping, or a change in eating habits, mood swings, memory problems? No suicidal thoughts?"

I was mortified at the last one, but my outward reaction must have answered that questions.

"I've been having a hard time sleeping, and I haven't been very hungry the last few weeks. But I don't want to hurt myself," I snipped back, slightly insulted.

"Sorry, just checking the bases. If these feelings persist for two more weeks, I want you to come back. It's common for women to experience prenatal depression, but it sounds like you may just be having a hard time," Dr. Miles explained.

I relaxed a little eat his words and nodded my head, balling the tissue in my hands.

"What is your support system like?"

I shook my head and looked up from my lap. "Not much. My roommate and Dimitri really. I had a falling out with my best friend a few weeks ago," I explained.

"Maybe you should talk to Dimitri about how you're feeling. You two seem to have a really good friendship," Dr. Miles suggested with a small smile. I nodded and got up from the table and headed out to the waiting room.

I stepped out of the room and took a deep breath before walking to the waiting room. Dimitri practically dwarfed the chair he was sitting in but stood up when he saw me walk into the room.

"You okay?"

I shrugged.

Dimitri didn't look convinced but nodded and waited for me to get my things together. I walked with him out to the car and go in, picking at my fingers as Dimitri got in the driver's seat. Dimitri was looking at his phone and had a scowl on his face. He locked his phone with a head shake and roughly tossed it into the compartment under the radio.

"Everything okay?"

"Perfect," he said tersely while putting his seatbelt on. I frowned and did the same when he started the car. I gnawed on my lip as we drove and was startled when his phone rang, breaking the silence. Dimitri looked at the call display on the radio and said something under his breath before accepting the call.

He snapped something in Russian and a voice responded a few moments after in the same language. I slid my eyes over and saw that it was Ivan on the phone, but I couldn't understand a word that was said. But from what I could tell, it was a heated conversation. I tried to tune out the conversation but didn't do a very good job at it. When Dimitri ended the call, his grip on the steering wheel was so tight that his knuckles were turning white.

I could practically feel Dimitri's discontent radiating off of him. I could hear Dimitri's teeth grinding together and I wracked my brain to find something that might make him feel better. Almost as if it was a sign, I felt movement.

"So it's a girl," I said quietly playing with the hem of my shirt. Dimitri's grip loosened slightly and he spared a glance at me before looking back at the road.

"Yes. I'm surprised you noticed, considering you didn't even look."

I flinched a little bit at his tone but tried to let it slid. He was probably still worked up because of work. I shifted in my seat and slumped down in it, feeling worse than I did earlier. I wanted to look so, so bad, but couldn't handle it either.

We were silent in the car again until we hit the bridge. Usually, silence between us was ok, comfortable, but now I felt like I was suffocating in it.

"What did Dr. Miles talk to you about?" Dimitri asked.

"Just had some questions about my mental health and such," I said offhandedly, flicking my hair out of my face and looked out the window. The city whirled by us and I wanted to go bask in the sun. Maybe some extra Vitamin D would help my blue feelings.

"Oh?" Dimitri asked, turning his head towards me for a quick glance.

I made a noise of confirmation but didn't say anything else. When we pulled up in front of Mia's apartment. Dimitri picked up his phone that kept buzzing in the console, sighing as he read whatever was on the screen.

"Dr. Miles is concerned about prenatal depression. I'm just struggling with my feelings a bit," I revealed, "I thought I could go through this and not get attached, but now I'm having a hard time feeling things that I shouldn't be. I know that I don't have legal rights and that I'm not their mother, but I'm struggling with my feelings after what happened with Jenny. That's why I didn't look at the ultrasound, I didn't want to get even more attached," I said, sniffing because I could feel myself getting worked up again.

"It's something you're going to need to figure out. We both know how the contract works," he said as he looked down at his phone. It kind of felt like a slap in the face, considering what I had just told him. Actually, I think I would have preferred if he had. I knew I needed to get over it, but a kinder approach would have been appreciated.

The words were out of his mouth before it dawned on him what he said, and a look of shame crossed his face as he turned to look at me. I don't know what my face told him but I felt like my chest was going to explode.

I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out of the car, practically stumbling over the curb on my way to the door. I heard another door shut behind me as I got to the front door of Mia's building.

"Rose!"

I pulled my keys out and found the right one, surprisingly through my blurring tears. I felt Dimitri's mammoth presence behind me as I got the lock open and opened the door.

"Rose," Dimitri said again, his voice thick as he set his hand on my arm. I shook my head and flinched back from his touch.

"Don't worry about it," I said thickly through my tears, trying to brush it off. I already felt stupid enough for confiding in him, thinking that I could confide in him about this. But in reality, I should have known better. He wasn't there to be my friend, he was in my life because of a baby. That was it.

"I didn't mean for it to come out like that," Dimitri started but I held my hand up, shaking my head again.

"Don't," I said looking up at him as my tears broke through, "Just don't."

I pushed past him and into the lobby and locked the door behind me. I made it up to Mia's place and sank down onto the couch, heaving a heavy sigh before cupping my head in my hands.

I felt alone. I couldn't talk to Lissa because the last time I talked to her was when I walked out, and Mia was working so much that she slept most of the day. And now Dimitri, who I thought I could lean on, but quickly realized that I shouldn't.

I just wanted someone to be there. And there was nobody.

Nineteen weeks seemed like a lifetime away.


Mia was worried; and rightfully so. Two days I stayed in bed because I was emotionally overwhelmed. Mia got worried enough that she called Alberta to see if she could talk me out of bed.

Alberta succeeded in getting me out of bed, but I only moved to the couch, wrapped in my comforter. I just wanted to mentally check out for a bit. I wanted to switch my brain off and just not think or feel anything.

The only thing I did other than stare at the T.V. was look for a new apartment. Marko had called me and warned me that rent was going to go up because of the repairs.

So, I was looking for a new place to live. Now that my school debt was paid off, I could really start to put a decent amount of money away.

My phone dinged and a text notification popped up on my screen. After looking at who the text was from I scoffed and swiped it away, not even wanting to look at it.

I was angry and hurt and talking to Dimitri right now would be a recipe for a disaster of epic proportions. That meant that I had been ignoring his texts and phone calls for the last few days.

I was reading a somewhat promising listing when there was a knock on the door. I ignored it as I zoomed in on a photo, rolling my eyes when my phone pinged again. I swiped it away when there was an even louder knock on the door.

I huffed and got up from the couch, thumping towards the door and wrenched it open.

"What?!"

I stopped short and felt slightly embarrassed at my outburst. I was really short-fused these days, and snapped at everyone, even when it wasn't warranted. I didn't feel as bad when I realized who was on the other side of the door. Dimitri raise a brow at me and watched me closely.

"Can I come in?"

I sighed and leaned against the doorframe. "What else do you have to say, Dimitri?"

"Please?"

I grumbled and moved aside so he could come in, despite wanting to close the door. I was still licking my fresh wounds and icing my bruised heart. Honestly, this is what it felt like when my boyfriend in high school dumped me over the phone after two years. It felt like heartbreak.

"You wanted in, what do you want?" I said bitterly.

"I shouldn't have said what I did," he started, but I scoffed.

"You think?"

"Rose, please just let me talk," Dimitri said shortly, looking agitated but guilt crossed his face. I crossed my arms over my chest and looked to the floor, waiting for him to get this over with.

"I shouldn't have said that to you, I was angry with a situation at work and I took it out on you. It's not your fault that you feel the way that you do, and I'm sorry that you feel this way. I should have been supporting you instead of being a jerk," Dimitri explained after taking a moment to compose himself, closing some of the distance between us.

"That's it?"

"I don't know how else to apologize for what I said," Dimitri said quietly, running his hand through his hair.

I shook my head as anger started to bubble inside me. "I don't know, maybe I'm sorry for being a colossal asshole? I'm sorry for insulting you? I'm sorry that despite noticing in the last few weeks that I wasn't happy, you still said what you did? Or, how about, I'm sorry for not actually listening to what was being said before responding?! I didn't tell you just because this is your baby, I told you because I thought you were my friend!" I exclaimed, getting more agitated and upset the longer I spoke.

Dimitri looked as guilty and upset as I wanted him to. A small part of me whispered that I wasn't being exactly fair, but the emotional part of me was taking over.

Dimitri stepped towards me and I stepped back, my breath coming out of my nose loudly in a huff.

"Rose, please."

"No!" I snapped. "You don't get to talk to me like that and-"

My protest was cut off when he stepped closer and pulled me towards him, cupping my face and crushing his lips against mine. I tensed up for a moment at the feeling of his lips against mine. He started to pull away when my brain started to work again and I kissed him back, resting my hands on his chest. I relaxed against his touch.

I pulled away to breathe and looked up at him, licking my bottom lip.

"Why did you do that?"

Dimitri sighed quietly and rubbed his thumb over my jaw. "Because I wanted to for a while."

I banged my fist against his chest lightly. "You owe me a bigger apology. I don't cry very often, well, outside of my pregnancy I mean," I said, looking down at his chest with furrowed brows.

Dimitri nodded his head and let his hands slip down to my waist, holding me gently. "I was a bit of a jerk, wasn't I."

"I think 'jerk' is a bit of an understatement."

Dimitri cracked a smirk and nodded his head. "Yeah. I think it is. But I really am sorry," Dimitri added.

I looked at him for a moment before slipping my arms around him and rested my head on his chest.

"I'm upset with you, but I really need a hug," I grumbled. Dimitri's hand moved around to my back and pulled me closer, hugging me as long as I needed him to. I may have stayed there longer than necessary, but I wanted to enjoy the feeling for a few minutes longer. I think he may have caught on because he started to toy with my hair, his fingers rubbing the base of my head gently.

I closed my eyes and sighed before pulling away from him and straightened out my shirt.

"I have to go to work," I said, running my hand through my hair when my eyes landed on the clock. Dimitri nodded his head in understanding, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I can drive you if you'd like?" Dimitri offered. I looked up at him with a small smile and nodded, telling him to wait while I got changed. Thankfully it was a shorter shift at the gym today.

Once I was changed into some yoga pants and a long shirt, I came back out and tied my hair up.

"I'm ready when you are," I said as I picked up my bag. Dimitri nodded but took my bag from me, lifting it onto his shoulder. I lead him out of the building and got into the car. The drive there wasn't long and we both sat awkwardly in the car for a moment after we arrived.

"Do you have a night shift tonight at the bar?"

I shook my head. "No. Yuri only has me in on Mondays now. He's worried about me over-working myself."

"Can I pick you up tonight? And we can sit down and talk for a bit? There are some things I need to say," Dimitri asked, turning his body towards me. His words made me panic a little bit but he quickly spoke again.

"Things about how I feel about you," Dimitri said softly, reaching out and brushing his fingers over my hand. I flipped my hand up and caught his fingers, slipping mine between his hesitantly. Dimitri smiled and squeezed my hand, lifting our hands up to press a kiss to the back of my hand.


Hello hello:)!

I hope you all had a pleasant week! I know that this chapter was an emotional rollercoaster, but things are going to start looking up next chapter!:)

Let me know what you think!:)