Take A Deeper Look
~~*~~
Chapter Five: Dare You to Move
~~*~~
Ginny found herself fighting an inner battle as she walked the corridors. Why had she defended Draco? She knew full well that she hadn't watched Draco the entire time; she had put the root of asphodel in though.
Yet the Slytherin had been nothing but vile to her family, and friends, since day one. Albeit he was being semi-nice to her now, it did not mean he wasn't still being vile. He would not have put bad ingredients in on purpose.
Damn him, though. And damn that potion! None of this would have happened if not for the potion. She wouldn't have almost got Professor Snape in trouble with the Governors. She wouldn't have yelled at Ron. She wouldn't have an upset and half-empty stomach. And she, most certainly, "would not be having a fight with my bloody self!"
Ginny continued her storming about the castle, muttering here and there. "What the hell am I thinking? Who cares who did what! Shouldn't the thing just be that I'm okay?"
"Probably."
Her scream echoed as she turned and kicked with her leg.
"Whoa!" Draco grabbed her ankle just before it made contact with his head. "Scare easily?" he watched her angry and frightened look turn to one of embarrassment and a glare.
"Damn it, Draco! Don't you know not to interrupt someone when they are on a rampage?"
"Not when the rampage is taking place near the Slytherin common room," he replied. Glancing at the leg he still held, he nodded approvingly, "nice leg."
Turning red, Ginny lowered her balled fists. "Can I have it back?"
"Oh! Yes." Now who's flustered, Ginny thought sarcastically.
"Wait! Slyth – How'd I get near the Slytherin commons? I could have sworn I was going up, not down . . ." she lowered her leg as she thought.
Draco crossed his arms. "Just watch were you're going next time."
"Don't you tell me what to do! I'll go where I please when I'm on a blind rampage! Does this look like the face that cares if she's down by the Slytherin commons?" she pointed to her face, which was angry and annoyed looking. She decided to not let him answer and chose to storm past him. She turned quickly, causing her hair to fly around her. An image that Draco was sure wouldn't leave his memory anytime soon. "And considering I just yelled at Ron – something I rarely do! – to save your arse a beating, you should be grateful!"
Draco raised an eyebrow at the red-faced girl. "Done with your tirade?"
Ginny gave him a tired nod; her stomach didn't feel so good anymore. Stupid potion.
"Virginia, are you all right?" how did her face go from red and pissed off to pale so fast? He watched her wrap her arms about her midsection, a pained look on her face.
"The potion. I think – bathroom?"
The broken sentence was quickly pieced together. She was going to be sick. Where were the girls' toilets? "Bloody hell. Why couldn't you get sick near the loo?" Ginny answered him by placing a hand over her mouth. Looking around, Draco muttered the password to his House, and led the girl inside.
The red head had little time to observe her surroundings as Draco ran her up some stairs and into a bedroom. She was shoved into a bathroom just as the bile broke through its barrier. Her only luck was that the toilet lid had been left upright.
Ginny coughed as the last of her lunch rushed out. "Bloody potion . . ." echoed as she whispered it into the porcelain crown she hovered around. Flushing the toilet and walking slowly to the sink, she surmised that it would do her good to wash her face. It needed some color back in it.
There's a story to tell people: I vomited in Draco Malfoys' loo back at Hogwarts. She washed the horrid taste out of her mouth as well as she could and patted dry her face before exiting the bathroom.
"Feeling better?" well he didn't have to be rude about it.
"Thank you . . . For bringing me in here," Ginny replied, embarrassed to have that happen in front of him. Of all people, why him? Draco remained silent at her thanks. "I'll just be leaving, I sup –"
"You can't." That stopped her. What did he mean?
"I can't? Why not? Am I your prisoner now that I –"
Draco scowled. "You can't because classes just got started again. There are too many fifth years with a free period in the common room."
"Would you stop doing that?" she tried to control her temper.
"Stop what?"
Ginny sighed. "Stop interrupting me!"
"It's the only way to shut you up," he said just as bitterly.
Ginny turned around and took a seat in the furthest corner from him. And then amazed him with how small she could make herself when she curled up. "I'm not wanted here, I can tell. The other Gryffs make me feel like this sometimes too." Her eyes lifted to his, no longer did they look certain and defiant. No, they looked sad. "Where can I leave?"
"Not until dinner," Draco felt like he should feel guilty for her sad eyes. Acutely, he did.
Ginny put her head back down. Why does everyone make me feel unwanted? Am I unwanted? No . . . not everyone. I only have six brothers because Mum had wanted a girl so much. She made sure her tears would go unnoticed by the stony-featured boy sitting across the room, and who she was almost sure would tease her for the tears.
But if mum wanted me so, why does it seem like I'm not there? she asked herself, yet knew full well that it would do her no good to feel sorry for herself. What was the point of it? She didn't have anyone to comfort her; friends only consisted of the elves, and they were back at home.
Sure, there was Ron, Harry, and Hermione . . . but they were so much closer than even Ron and she had ever been. And Ron and I live with each other! Yet Ginny knew that she would never have friends like Harry and Hermione.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself! Ginny tried to stop her tears, but they continued to drop onto the plush green carpet. Virginia Weasley, stop crying this instant! You're not in the lions' den anymore; you're in the snakes' lair. Leave it to her to think a strange though like that. Do you want him to see you cry? Do you want Draco Malfoy to see you cry?
Frankly, she didn't care at the moment. All she knew was that she would be in so much trouble. One: she was skipping classes, by no true fault of her own. Two: she was a Gryffindor in the Slytherin dorms. Three: Ron was already mad enough; when he heard she hadn't been in classes, there would be hell to pay. By her.
Stupid, protective older brother. If that's his way of showing he loves me – I'll bloody hex him. Sadness quickly turned to anger at the thought; she could just picture the ways to hex Ron. She sniffled again, bloody tears.
~~*~~
Draco watched the girl. For five minutes she had been sitting almost immobile. He tried to ignore the faintly echoing sniffles coming from her, but he wasn't successful. He knew she was crying, what he didn't know was why.
"Wea –" he sighed, stopping short. Though new to the ways of compassion, or something remotely resembling it, Draco stood and walked towards her.
She looked so vulnerable, curled up like that. She didn't resemble the defiant, kind sixteen-year-old he had met; instead she looked like a hurting child.
What am I thinking? This girl is a child. Does she even know what true pain is?
Draco crouched down to her level, like he was going to talk to a child. "Virginia?"
Sniffle. "Go away."
Perplexity crossed his gray eyes. She sounded almost like she was mad. At him? Why? "Virginia."
"Go away." This time it came out more forcibly. Who was she mad at? And why would she be mad? What was it with girls and their ever-changing emotions?!
He pursed his lips. She couldn't possibly be mad at anyone, save herself. And most likely because of her tears. "Virginia."
"Just go away!" this time she yelled at him before pushing him.
Draco landed hard on his bum and he stared at the girl now glaring at him. She certainly has some strength in her. "Virginia –"
"What part of go away," she stood to tower over him, "do you not understand?" before he formulated his answer, she was at his door.
He was up and blocking the door in the blink of an eye. "Where do you think you are going?"
"Well, since you can't figure out what go away means, I'm going to leave and make it easy on you!"
"You can't."
"Why? Because the fifth years? I'll just hex them, or something," Ginny wasn't going to stay, he knew.
"They'd have you down before you could even think of a curse," Draco replied, his voice quiet. "You wouldn't even stand a chance."
"I want out, now," he knew she was serious, the look all over her face told him that. But he was too; she wouldn't stand a chance against them.
"No."
Ginny looked defeated. "Why won't you let me out? I just want to go rant and rave to myself," she sighed sadly. "Just let me go . . ."
He felt almost sorry now that she was forced to stay. All she wanted was to be left alone. He could relate, but knew she couldn't go out there. He wouldn't let her get hurt. "Rant then."
Her confused blue-greens hit his grays quickly. "What?"
"You said you wanted to rant, so rant." She remained quiet, was he insane? "Well, come now. Out with it!"
She shook her head. "You don't want to hear me ranting. If you can really call what I do ranting."
"I wouldn't tell you to if I didn't," he told her with a straight face. Why did he care?
"No, Draco. You really don't know what you're getting into."
Draco crossed him arms and waited. Her sigh was audible as she moved from the door. His eyes followed her as she walked away. Draco turned when she didn't look like she was going to talk.
"I'm unwanted." He turned his head to see the girl. "I used to think that I was really special," she furrowed her brows and motioned about with her hands. "My mum had so many sons, because she really wanted me. A daughter."
That's why there are Weasleys all over? Because of this girl? Draco found himself understanding, if even minutely.
"But I didn't turn into the daughter my mum wanted. She wanted me to be soft-spoken, delicate; basically she wanted me to be just like her." She slumped into his green high-backed chair. "I became exactly what she didn't want, though. I was loud, rambunctious, and with six brothers, I couldn't afford to be delicate," he watched her stand up again, pacing much like a lion. "I swear . . . she'd force me to be like her, if she didn't know I'd only try harder to be what she didn't want."
"Do you try to be what she doesn't want?" he could only hope she didn't get angry with him for his question.
"Sometimes. Usually when I'm mad at her. But that's not often. I hate her sometimes – I hate all of my family members sometimes. But that's only sometimes . . . They've been good to be over the years."
Draco watched as she halted her pacing and gazed unblinkingly into his eyes. The truth of what was to come out next was confirmed wit her look.
"I sometimes hate my family, but I only sometimes really like myself."
"What?"
Ginny resumed her pacing, waving her words off as if they were insignificant. "You wouldn't understand. Just forget I said anything about it."
He walked to her quickly and grabbed her shoulder, forcing her to face him. He glared slightly. "Don't tell me I wouldn't understand. I'm not letting you wear down my carpeting, and ruin your knees to stay ignorant," he dropped his arms to his sides. "And I would understand."
"How could you? You're Draco Malfoy, the boy with the perfect life for him. How could you possibly understand anything I say?"
"You wouldn't understand," he echoed her words easily as he walked past her.
"Then make me understand."
Draco felt Ginny grab his arm. He felt a shock go throughout the limb, and tore it away quickly. Why did he always feel like telling her something when she asked him to? What was it about her that made him tell her? "For one, I don't have a perfect life."
"How so?" What was she getting herself into? She was poking a very short stick at a dangerous snake, and she knew it. So why did she keep poking? Attention was drawn from her thoughts to the boy advancing on her.
He towered over her before speaking. "I have lived in fear my entire life. I have no perfect life." Ginny backed away a few paces. "I'd lie awake when I was younger, hoping that I would not be summoned to my Fathers' chambers."
Draco watched her back away again, and he moved with her. "Your – Your Fathers' chambers?" she managed to get out.
"I was eight, when I first saw Voldemort. He was there, telling my father that he was going to come back to power. He was using the body of my nanny to get around. Voldemort had been watching my family. Watching me.
"I didn't know – then – that he was there to discussing with my father when I should be marked. All I knew was that I was to fear, but never show it, and respect this man for all his power. He left, saying I would receive it that very night, in ten years; my birthday."
"Draco –" she bumped into the wall, she hadn't know she was that close to it. The blonde serpent advances until his breath was on her face.
"He came back, though, the night before I was to leave for Hogwarts for my first year. He said I was to befriend Harry Potter at all costs. As you can see, it didn't work. My birthday present that year was Crucio, compliments of Lord Voldemort."
"But you were just twelve!" Ginny still tried to move away, but Draco had placed his hands on either side of her head. He bent closer to her face. "Draco, stop it."
He could see the fright in her bright blue-green eyes; hear it in her voice. Draco bent his head closers, placing one hand possessively on her waist, forcing her hips to bump against his.
"Draco, stop it!"
"Insurmountable fear . . . What kind of perfect life is that?" he whispered into her ear before walking away. He could feel her stare, and almost see the gears in her head working.
Ginny slowed her breath from the frightened gasps she had been taking. He had used the only way he could think of to show her the fear that he had to live in. How could he survive that? "Fear and wanting. It seems that neither of us have the perfect lives we pretend to have."
"You're wanted, Virginia. You have no idea how you're wanted. Just open your damn eyes and look around! There are tons of people who are your friends. People who need you."
He saw her shake her head.
"If you're talking about Ron, Harry, Hermione, or any of the other seventh years, you're dead wrong. My mum forces Ron to hang out with me now. Before Harry and Hermione, Ron and I were inseparable. Now I know nothing about him. Besides the fact that he's overbearingly protective and has a huge crush on Hermione."
"You don't have any friends?" he couldn't believe that a girl such as herself could be friendless. She was too perfect.
Ginny shrugged small shoulders. "Acquaintances, but friends are hard to come by. I've trusted friends before, and it was used against me . . . Colin is the only one I trust anymore."
"Used against you?" Draco echoed with a hint of confusing in his voice.
She nodded solemnly. "There were things that I would only tell my friends," she stopped in what Draco could only place as thought. "Many of such, I just told you. Anyway, there were angry with me, this was first year so I was really pushing them to do their work," Ginny turned around to pace again. "I must've really pissed them off because that year they sent the anonymous Valentine to Harry."
"Hm," she hadn't sent the message?
Ginny sighed deeply. "It was horrid. All the teasing I had to endure, most came from you . . . But the problem was easily solved. Ron told everyone that I couldn't possibly have sent the Valentine, seeing as I hate that holiday."
"Is that the only reason you don't have friends?" he sounded like he was talking to a child again.
"After that, they found it more and more amusing to make me look like a fool," she turned to face him. "And because of their rumors and jokes, none of the Gryffindor girls in my year really talk to me. And the Chamber just made everything worse . . ." she lifted her eyes when she heard his voice.
"Virginia, get over it. You can't let some vindictive girls keep you from having friends."
The wrath of Virginia Weasleys' temper wasn't at all what Draco expected. "They aren't keeping me from having friends! I choose not to have friends!" she glared at him angrily. "How would you understand betrayal like that? You delve it out most of the time, don't you?" as soon as it was said, she wished she could take the words back and swallow her temper.
"Betrayal is what the Malfoy family is all about, Virginia," Draco replied calmly.
When she looked at him, she could only think that she had poked the stick one too many times. Had she gone too far? Who cared? She deserved whatever he said to her. But how dare he accuse her of not having friends because of the sixth year girls.
That was just part of the reason.
"Draco, I'm –" Ginny stopped and looked at him. She never once had trouble saying sorry in her entire life. Why was she now?
"You can't apologize for saying something that was allowed to be said."
"I still should not have said that, Draco," she couldn't even face him. "It's not a wonder why I have no friends. Once again, the perfect life I pretend to have is just a mirage . . ."
"Damn it, Virginia!" she jumped at his outburst. "You don't even realize it, do you?"
"Realize what?"
He looked at her face searchingly. "You do have a perfect life. You are allowed to live life like you want to. You can have fear and worry. I can't. Do you know what would happen to me if I was worried, or scared, about something?"
Ginny shook her red heard and wanted to say something, but was interrupted.
"Virginia, if Voldemort knew, the Death Eaters would torture me until I told them. Then they would kill what was causing the worry."
She closed her eyes, knowing that worry made her complete sometimes. How did he live without it?
"Your life is perfect, for you only, Virginia. No one else could live with it like you do."
Without any warning, Ginny found tears slipping through her closed eyes. Something had to be wrong with her; she rarely cried more than once every few months.
"Stop crying."
The girl lifted her eyelids. "I can't . . ."
"I don't need your pity, or your sympathy," he said in a still present angry tone.
"You don't have them," through the tears, she could see his confusion. "You have my empathy."
"What?" it came out fast, quiet, and shocked.
"I understand what you have to go through, Draco," she saw his dubious look and continued on. "I know I've never gone through any of the pain you have, but it's like I can . . . feel what it's like for you. I know it sounds stupid –"
Draco looked at her, searching for something that was not on the surface, yet ever present in one Virginia Weasley.
"What?" her eyes were big, innocent spots – still glassy from just shed tears – on her pale face.
"Why don't you like Valentines' Day?"
Ginny smiled. "Promise me you won't use any of the stuff I told you against me?"
Draco nodded at request. "I promise; I have yet to break one, you know."
"Indeed," Ginny said sarcastically as she paced about. She felt his eyes on her as she stopped in front of his balcony doors. They stayed with her as she pushed open the doors and stepped outside.
Draco was sure she wasn't going to answer his question when her voice drifted inside to his ears. "I was never given a reason to really believe in love."
"In your family?" there always seemed like there was plenty of "love" to go around in that family.
Ginny placed her forearms on the stone railing. "I bet that does sound strange. Sure, I'm loved by my family, but that isn't the love I meant." She sighed; it was hard to think of how she should explain it. "I have a list . . . " she turned to face him. "Of all the things I want to do before I die. Falling in love with someone is on it. Hopefully he falls back of course."
"You'll have a while to wait if you go looking for it."
"Pardon?" How did it come about that she was discussing love with Draco Malfoy?
Draco came out to the balcony, and seated himself on the ledge much like he usually did. "My mother once told me something that I figured irrelevant. To this day, I haven't the slightest clue as to why she told me."
"What'd she tell you?"
He turned his head from her questioning face and closed his eyes, visualizing how she had looked when she told him. "She told me: "Don't go looking for love, Draco, you'll never find it. Let love find you and you will have never lost it." I still don't understand what she meant, though. But the saying stuck with me."
Ginny thought it over, wondering how Narcissa Malfoy was such a bright woman. "She meant that you couldn't just look for love, because what you want to love is unattainable expectations. Just kind of have let love come to you." She stared out at the students in Hagrids' class with a small smile. "You know when you lose something, and go about searching as hard as you can, yet it stays lost?"
"Yes."
"Ever realized that you always find whatever it was once you've stopped looking?"
Draco turned to face her. "Yes . . ."
"That's how love is. It's a lost until you stop looking sort of thing. My mum likes to say that love bites you in the bum when you least expect it."
He didn't know how to respond to her words. He had never been in love to know if it really bit you in the bum.
"Do all seventh year Slytherin's have private rooms with a balcony? Or are you just special?"
Once again, the girls' ability to change the subject so smoothly almost made him smile. She had made it seem like that had been the topic of conversation all along. How?
"Draco?" where had his head gone to – Lala land?
At his name, he set his eyes on her confused face. "What?"
"Where were you? You were just staring off into . . . space." She knew her cheeks stained a slight red. How would you go about telling a boy who was once your enemy that he was staring into your eyes? Why had he looked so amazed, as well?
"Never you mind, Virginia."
"Why do you call me that?" asked in all seriousness.
His eyebrows knitted together. "What?"
"Virginia."
"It's your name. Isn't it?"
Ginny nodded, "well, yes. But no one calls me by that name, save about three people."
She watched him stand up from the stone ledge and walk to the balcony doorway. "It's time you grow up, and thus you should have an adult name."
"I don't get it . . ."
"Get what, Virginia?"
She smiled at his exasperated tone. "I don't get why . . . why so many people don't try to get to know you."
"Because I don't let them get to know me. It's better that way." He leaned on the doorframe, back facing the girl questioning him.
"Would it have been better if you'd never met me?" she saw his back stiffen instantly.
It was an innocent enough question, Draco knew, but why did it have to be asked? Why did she insist on asking difficult questions?
"Dra –"
"No."
"What?" she sounded more surprised than she thought she would.
He faced her slowly, looking at her. "No, Virginia."
Ginny stared at his face, searching it like he had hers, almost as if what she was seeing and hearing were only a façade. Draco truly didn't mind her? She bit her bottom lip, trying to smile down the after effects of her constricted throat.
Draco, however, recognized that face that she was forming; he had seen it many times on his own when he was younger and trying to control his emotions. He decided upon taking a page from Virginia's book. "So what's on that list of yours?"
"List?" she blinked covertly a few times as she asked.
"You said earlier that you have a list of things to do before you die."
"Oh!" Ginny sighed and waved her hand about in a dismissive fashion. "Its just things I wish I could do, but most are impossible . . . even for the magical community."
"Like?"
"Visit Awthawae again; be in two places at once – and splinching doesn't count; learn to dance; fall in love – you know that already," Ginny stopped for a moment. "I've already completed number ten – befriend someone that I didn't like."
Draco hid whatever feelings had come up at her words. So they were friends now? Hm . . . seemed only plausible. "What is number one?"
"It's a secret, that's what."
"Visit Awthawae again? Don't you see her every summer?"
Ginny shook her head sadly. "Lohelm moved the village. Awthawae couldn't tell me where though. Apparently some Elf Hunters tracked them down . . . because they followed my footprints. I'd just want to see her again, she is one of the few friends I have."
"What's number one on your list?"
"Damn it, Draco! Don't make me throw something at you."
He put of a face of mock surprise. "You'd do that to me?"
"Yes!" she couldn't believe him. Why was he acting like this?
With a mischievous grin, "what's numb – bloody hell!"
Ginny smiled triumphantly when her shoe bounced off his chest. "That's what you get!" she walked over to him and scooped her shoe from the floor. As she put it back on, she spoke quietly, "I've never told anybody. I haven't trusted someone that much yet." When she straightened, her face was so close to his that she could feel his warm breath on her cheeks.
Draco stared at her unflinching gaze. Once again, he could feel the warmth of her body. Wanting to say "not even your family?" but unable to do so, he just looked at her, creating a mental picture in his head over the oval shape of her slightly pale, lightly freckled face; it was cut by her red lips and bright eyes.
"Draco?"
He instantly felt foolish.
"Draco, can I ask a question?" Ginny stepped back, to give both of them the space they need to function properly.
"You just did," the blonde finally swallowed his foolishness. "But, yes, you can ask another."
Ginny rolled her eyes; she really should have expected that type of answer from him. Then she looked at him with thought. "What are you going to do . . . about joining Voldemort?"
"Severus, Professor Snape to you, is going to train me to be a spy . . . Against Voldemort." He didn't expect her to look as crestfallen as she did.
"What?"
"I'm going to spy against Voldemort, Virginia."
Ginny stared at him in shock. He sounded so serious. Was he? "No! Do you have any idea what he'll do if you're caught spying? Draco, he will kill you without a second thought!"
"Don't you think I know that?"
"Then why are you going to risk your life? It's suicide, Draco! You're a Malfoy . . . You'll be one of his most trusted, once you've been there long enough."
Draco nodded in agreement. "That's exactly why I should spy, Virginia! I can help Dumbledore if Voldemort entrusts me with information. Who knows . . . maybe that information could end him now not later."
"I want Voldemort gone now, too! But not at the cost of innocents," she shook her head at her quiet words.
Draco grabbed her shoulders. "Virginia, I am anything but innocent. And the people going to fight Voldemort? They know what they are getting into. They know they could die."
"Then why would they fight? What if Voldemort killed the man who would've gotten his wife pregnant with the person who would cure AIDS?"
"If he did, it just means that we weren't ready for the cure, Virginia. They go to fight because they aren't frightened to die. They fight because it will bring Voldemorts' downfall. It will bring a new generation a children that don't have to live in fear!"
Ginny looked to the ground. "I'm not so sure, Draco."
"What? Weren't you the girl who told me that Voldemort will not last?"
She became quite interested in anything but him.
"Virginia!"
"I hadn't factored you in . . ."
He stared at her, confused out of his mind. "To what?"
"Into the battle. I didn't know you were going to fight for us. I factored you in on the wrong side."
What was she babbling about? He saw her jerk her head up; staring him straight in the eyes as if she were a lie detector. "Why are you doing this? Why are you going to fight against him?" she knew her voice was getting louder with each word.
"Because of you, Virginia! You and all your questions that demanded answers, answers to my questions; and your words."
Ginny couldn't find words. He was putting his life on the life because of her? She didn't understand!
"If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't be a spy!"
"So you're saying you wished you hadn't met me . . ."
"No!"
Ginny looked at him, "then what are you saying, Draco?"
"That you . . ."
Ginny turned away from him, the newly lit fire shone on her face. He did wish they hadn't met . . . "Why would you do something so foolish, Draco? Voldemort will find out. And even if he doesn't, he'll find something else to ruin your life."
"You, Virginia."
Ginny heard his footsteps, and then a door opening. When it closed, the walls holding her tears back collapsed.
~~*~~
Delirious – Deeper
Norah Jones – Don't Know Why
Avril Lavigne – Anything But Ordinary
Jimmy Eat World – Sweetness
Switchfoot – Dare You to Move
~~*~~
