Chapter Four
An echo of Marissa's voice seared through his mind, tearing all admirable moments they had together like a reign of doom. Ryan felt as though all his pleasant memories with Marissa were being plucked from his head, and he was only left with the words he wished he hadn't said, or things he wished he hadn't ever done to her. Ryan gripped his head with both hands, as he grinded his teeth together. It was as though he were going crazy hearing her voice replaying her last words, 'I love you, but it shouldn't be this hard.' before she left to New York. He let out a mighty groan, and with that, the room was silenced. He looked around, trying to get used to the darkness that the room was completely savaged in. He saw the pool house, light etching into things so minimally that Ryan could barely see what he was looking at so intently. He remembered the objects that occupied his room, and then realized that it was a picture of him and Marissa he was so subconsciously staring at.
The thought made his tremble, as he pulled the covers over his head. Closing his eyes made the most sense- at least his mind could be temporarily rid of Marissa-related-thoughts. He knew it was time to simply give up, move on, and do better. However, he couldn't help but think that he was unable to do just that. Complications seemed to roar in his mind, as he imagined the day Marissa Cooper returned to Newport, and whether or not, they would have the same binding chemistry, as they do now.
Until the very moment he dozed off, Ryan concentrated on the things he should have said to Marissa, before she left- the things that would perhaps, allow her to stay, or give her the peace to leave. Instead of simply letting her go, Ryan should have spilled the most convincing words any girl would love to hear, not only because of it's ego boosting skills, but for the very mutual feeling it scatters straight from the soul. He should have said I love you with the hopes that the words would somehow enchant Marissa into staying, or at least leave constantly loving Ryan.
Ryan didn't know whether Marissa left hating him, loving him, or feeling absolutely nothing towards him. A sort of heated response etched into his veins, as he thought about the possibility that Marissa hated him. He couldn't think of it, in any way. It just seemed to destroy all sense of serenity, and foundation he had made for himself in Newport. He decided, however, not to think of it.
Marissa striked the door, as it swung open. Julie was already inside, and Marissa was this evening's Luggage-boy. She flung her mother's sole memory of the rich life, her Gucci bag, into this measly two story, three bedroom house. The lights glimmered, and flickered inside, as Julie started to give herself a grand tour or the cozy little house. Marissa hadn't spoken to her mother, since the ride in the taxi back in Newport. She didn't expect things to change, now that they were in the Big Apple. Julie had managed to get a loan for a small little house, in the heart of New York City. Marissa couldn't deny the fact that she was excited to be in the home of the World's biggest shopping centers, and most expensive boutiques, but Marissa couldn't stop but think that Julie was the source of her misery.
She had known for a long time that Julie hated Ryan with a burning passion. Marissa had hoped for a while now, that this hatred would soon pass, however it didn't- instead, it landed her here, a couple of thousand kilometers from where she should be- Ryan's arms. She wondered how Ryan was taking it, and soon she shrugged it off, realizing Ryan was the catch of the day and he would have no troubles finding a replacement. Marissa slammed the last piece of luggage inside the house, before she knocked the door closed with the sole of her shoe.
"Honey, it's perfect." Julie looked at Marissa optimistically, thanking her peculiarly with the small glow in her eyes, "I have a feeling we'll like it here."
"Doubt it." Julie looked shocked when she heard Marissa's voice, for the first time in a couple of hours. Julie lowered her gaze, understanding the situation she was in. Julie closed her eyes, as she willed herself to realize what she had done. Apparently, she had smothered all chances of their mother-daughter relationship of living out to its full potential- and Julie knew that. She figured it would be hard on Marissa, once she left Ryan, but she never assumed it would kill her to the bone, because she could tell with the little emotion she had drained in her, that it was indeed killing her daughter.
"Marissa," Julie pleaded, as she tried to catch Marissa's ignorant stare unsuccessfully. Julie started to rub her eye, trying to relieve the sting her tears were causing her, with the back of her hand, "You start school tomorrow, can you at least look forward to that?" Julie asked her insensitively.
"School?" Marissa seemed to be horrified of the thought, "It's the middle of the night, and you expect me to wake up all early and get ready for school? You think I'm ready for that kind of thing? This is the torture you'd like to put me through?" Marissa glared at Julie, as she tried to push against her, and pick out any room that would make itself a home to Marissa- a sole sanctuary, even.
"It's 2 a.m., honey. You party longer than this." Julie smirked, as she looked at Marissa's eagerness to leave, "Honey, I need to talk to you, before we continue on with this. So far, it doesn't look like it's working out, but I need you to understand my reasons for taking you out here." Marissa looked up at her boredly, as she started to tap her foot gently on the hardwood floor, that seemed to be flashing her own reflection in the shiny chrome, "I'm assuming you're letting me talk?" Julie pressed her lips together thankfully, "Come to the living room. It's a little bare right now, but maybe instead of school tomorrow, we can go order some more couches- something fun?" Julie looked up hopefully.
"Don't count on it; I'd rather go to school." Marissa shot back coldly, as she sat down on the farthest edge of the two-seat couch. Julie sat down beside her, and took Marissa's hand in her own firmly, so that Marissa couldn't slither her hand out of the reach, nor object- it didn't seem like she wanted to, however. For once, Julie was being the comforting mother she should have been for years now.
"Okay," Julie exhaled not able to bear the situation, "You have to understand why I moved us here." Julie paused, as though she were searching for the very same justifications, "Newport, as you know, held too much trouble for me- too many memories,"
"So you ran away from your problems." Marissa cut her off, understanding what it was all about. Julie looked up at her, clearly hurt.
"No!" She snapped quickly, so that she could not give Marissa any evidence of hesitation, "I left because I couldn't take it anymore- one might say I ran away but I didn't want to explode. Neither of these problems were fixable in any way, so I decided that I should fix them, by offering my daughters, and myself a better life; one where they have a half-decent mother, anyway." Julie gulped, "Marissa, I know what you had with Ryan was real, and I'm so sorry… you just have to understand where I'm coming from. Give me some credit, honey! I know you think that I did it so I could split you two up, but I'm not as evil as you think I am. I'd rather you two be together forever, than to leave, but I couldn't just leave you… I couldn't. I love you, Marissa, even though you think on the contrary. I hope one day you can realize that what I did, I did with the hopes that one day it would benefit you and Kaitlyn." Julie crossed her fingers on her knee, as she strayed from looking Marissa in the eyes, "Now go upstairs and pick yourself a room."
"Is this a bribe?" Marissa asked inquisitively.
"Maybe… just go." Julie shooed her away. Marissa grabbed her few bags, and trudged up the stairs. She looked back into the living room, only to see a glimpse of her mother. Julie, in the few seconds that it took Marissa to get up to the stairs, was sobbing. Salty tears pounded against Julie's swollen lips, and for once, this triggered some sense of pity within Marissa. She shook it off, as she continued to climb the hefty amount of stairs, leading up to an almost empty plane, with three closed doors.
Marissa walked toward the first door, as she swung it open, dropping her bags down at the end of the stairs. She decided it was easier not to carry it. The first door she opened was pretty, but it didn't attract every cell in her body; it had to be perfect, if she was going to maintain her sanity in New York. The pushed the second door open, and with that a wave of admiration surrounded her, but again she realized it wasn't the room. With one door left to go, she lifted her hopes up so that it would be entirely perfect, and it was. The view from her room, was breathtaking, and when she saw it for the first time, her legs almost gave out- it was that beautiful. She ran in to get her luggage, as she slung them over her shoulder. As she placed the luggage in the corner of her empty bedroom, she put her hands on her hips, as if studying every detail.
"Did you find a room you like?" Julie came in, leaning against the door. Marissa could tell that the smile she had on was as fake as her love for Caleb Nichol. Once she realized that Marissa wasn't buying it, she relinquished a more saddened expression; this, at least, was semi-genuine. Marissa nodded uncertainly, as her eyes strayed from her mother's stare, "I have a inflatable mattress downstairs; that, and sleeping bags, until we can actually settle in." Julie nodded to herself, as though she were registering the words, "It'll have to do for now."
Julie soon left the room quietly, leaving Marissa alone to simply think. Marissa plopped down onto the empty floor, as she dragged her backpack close to her. She unzipped a single pocket in her bag, knowing that the one thing she was looking for was there. She pulled out her cell phone, as she fingered it gently, feeling its smooth edges. It was very tempting in its entirety, and Marissa couldn't help but touch the smooth plates, of where the numbers were. It was like her fingers were directing her; her nails were hovering over Ryan's cell phone number…
She figured he wasn't asleep yet, so instead of maintaining any sense of control, she started to dial the numbers of his cell phone, as quickly and eagerly as the numbers came fluttering to her head. A deep, monotone voice replied after barely two rings. Marissa closed her eyes, as she lowered her body, eventually laying down on the cold, and unfamiliar floor.
Ryan's heart skipped a beat when he noticed Marissa's phone number come up on his caller display feature. He knew this was the time to tell her how he really felt, "I love you… and I miss you M'rissa." Ryan hoped the words wouldn't come out so shyly. He wanted to speak those words which such flustering confidence, that Marissa would take the next plane ride home, and run in to his arms apologizing for the wasted time.
"I know." The words spilled out of her mouth. In the beginning of the conversation, she had convinced herself that she would not speak to the boy who stole her heart. Instead, once she heard his voice, neither her mind nor her heart could resist, "But I can't love you; it's too painful now." Marissa muttered, as she felt a clump lodge into her throat. She rubbed her eye, and rid it of the minimal traces of tears it caused. She tried to breathe deeply, so her heart rate could slow down, and so the beads of sweat that were forming on her forehead could cool down. Marissa took his silence as a signal to continue speaking, "Ryan," She paused, knowing that her words would hurt herself, more than they would ever hurt Ryan, "Don't wait up for me.. I need you to promise me, that you'll move on, and that you won't keep praying that I'll come back." Marissa bit her lip, as her body let her breath truly, for once that night. It was like saying that, relieved an entire dynasty of darkness, within her, "I don't want to leave your life broken, so I need you to promise that you will find another Marissa Cooper, and live happily ever after with her." The words pained Marissa, as she spoke them slowly. Her voice was quivering, but in a way, she knew Ryan had expected it.
"I can't promise that." Ryan said quickly, and Marissa's entire spirit sunk. She knew it would be much harder than just that.
"You have to, Ryan. You have to promise me that!" Marissa objected, "You know I can't love you any more. You know it's over." Marissa couldn't stop the tears that fell freely from her eyes- they were just too numerous. "What can I do to make you stop loving me? To allow you to move on?" Marissa asked him, as she sobbed silently. She knew it seemed to Ryan that she didn't care- it was better that way. It would leave him with such hatred toward Marissa, that he would have to move on, "I don't love you." Marissa cried out forcefully,
"I know that's a lie." Ryan mumbled, as he sat in the darkness, trying to keep himself from going crazy, "Marissa!" He called out, "I swear without you, I'm going crazy! It's impossible to move on, Marissa, and no matter how much you tell me you don't love me, I know that's a lie. I wish you were here right now, but I understand that you can't be… but know, that I will always love you, and I will never let go."
