Chapter Five


"Ryan," Marissa whimpered out softly, as she licked the salty tears that glazed her lips, "Please, just listen to me," She muttered softly, wishing that she could simply be in Ryan's arms, where absolutely nothing was wrong, "My world is crashing down on me, and I can't do anything about. I can't live a minute of my day without feeling things toward you, and it will never stop, until we both move on," She whispered silently, and took Ryan's silence as acceptance, "I want you to be happy, and honestly, I wish I knew when we are coming back to Newport, but I think this is forever," She said tragically, as the words simmered out of her mouth, behind tears, "Now, if you can't be happy, then I will never be," She finally said, awaiting Ryan's monotone, and calm voice to shatter the severity of the situation, with something as comforting as, 'It will be okay,'

He didn't say that, however, because he knew that it would not only give Marissa false hope and belief, but it would give him that withering pain in the pit of his stomach, that he lied to his girlfriend, "If you're waiting to hear, 'It will be okay,' then, Marissa, I'm not even going to say it," He said crisply, "Honestly, without you, it's never going to be okay and even though you don't want to hear that right now, it's the truth," Ryan said pitifully, which only attracted more tears from Marissa's deep, chocolaty eyes,

"Don't say that," She mumbled into the phone, as she pressed her cold hands, against her moist cheek. She tried to break the persistent river of tears, that trailed down her cheek, but she could not control it.

"I have to say it; who else will?" Ryan asked, hopelessly frustrated and saddened by the situation.

"Ryan," Marissa paused for a moment. His name simply entwined a thread of depression, and regret around her soul, and she felt it choking her inside, "I really can't do this Ryan, the harder I try, the faster I'll die for it," She finally said, as she let silence envelop the morosely, bare room.

"You have to keep strong, Marissa," Ryan said firmly, but Marissa wouldn't dare listen. His voice erupted too much pain inside of her, to bare. Soon, Ryan was overwhelmed with the relentless tattoo of the disconnected line. After listening to it, for quite some time, and after having the unyielding sound etch into his brain, he simply turned his cell phone off, and stared into the deepest corner of his ceiling. He didn't know what he was feeling, and he would much rather keep it that way, however Marissa's soft, and hurt voice kept challenging his desperate mind- he had done that to her, he had made her suffer so uncontrollably.

Had he stayed in Chino with his abusive father, and his drunken, alcoholic mother, Marissa would be happy now as she moved. Had Ryan had the guts to refuse Sandy Cohen's offer on staying in their house, they would never had discovered such a fruitful relationship, that they would have to give up in the end. Had Ryan stuck to his own kind of people, Marissa would be okay.

He couldn't help but feel tremendously guilty for it all. He very well understood that Marissa's heart belonged with him, and that he couldn't let her go, but he simply did not understand how he would come about actually letting the beautiful, brunette simply swept out of his most precious memories. He wondered if Marissa cared about him, still. He wondered if she would forever remember everything they had gone through, and in a way, continuously love him in the darkest pit of her heart. He wondered if Marissa would ever truly let go, and allow herself to be torn away from all that she had left behind.

No matter how much Ryan wondered about everything, he couldn't help but feel wet tears soaking his face. He quickly pushed them away, with a simple flick of his arm. He tried to breathe deeply, but something was grasping him from the center of his stomach, and would not let his breaths out correctly; rather, in short, detached wheezes. Ryan didn't know how he could survive, if day by day, he would feel that drenching pain in his body, expanding as each minute trickled on by.

Ryan felt a faint knock on the door, and his spirits sunk once he realized it couldn't possibly be Marissa. He walked over t o the door silently, as he opened it only an inch. He saw Seth's dreary face on the other end, "I knew you wouldn't be sleeping," He lowered his gaze, "I figured you might need someone to talk to," He started, and as much as Ryan tried to smile, it was as though his body was completely absolved of that natural ability. Ryan nodded, as he fixed his dishevelled hair, and pointed toward the couch. Seth sat down shyly, "Listen Ryan, you look like a mess," He finally said, worriedly.

"Is that what you came here to tell me?" Ryan asked, his fragile emotions ready to splinter,

"No, no," Seth said reassuringly, as he stared at Ryan, "Look," He started, "You gotta be strong, Ryan; Release the Chino kid," Seth immediately realized it wasn't time for his stupid sense of humour, "Sorry, but, Ryan! For God's sake, she'll be back one day," He started unconfidently, not knowing how much of the conversation Ryan would actually absorb, "It's a little late, yes, but do you want to go out and grab some late night dinner? It looks like you haven't eaten in years,"

"I'm not hungry," Ryan said brusquely, as he started to fumble with his fingers, as he lowered his head, "Listen, Seth. There's absolutely nothing you can say, that will make me feel better. You've never felt something like this- never," Ryan looked at Seth, "It's when you really know that you're in skin deep, and you can't do anything about," He started, "I know you love Summer, and pray to God that you'll never lose her like I'm losing Marissa," He closed his eyes, "Now, don't ask me if I'm okay- because I'm not. Don't ask me if I'm going to be okay- because I also, won't be; without Marissa, I won't be,"

Seth looked up him, and he felt a sting of pity for Ryan. He was the tough-boy of Newport- not someone who fell apart for a girl, but Seth understood just what this girl meant to him, "Listen, I'm not even going to tell you it's going to be okay, but I have to say, I've been through this; When I sailed to Portland, I left Summer behind and it took me so long to get her back afterwards. Maybe the quirky, happy, spunky Seth didn't show how much he missed her, but God, I tell you, that girl killed a lot of my lifelines," Seth pressed his lips together, wondering if Ryan felt at all comforted,

"But you did it, because you wanted to," Ryan told Seth, "Marissa left because she had to,"

"Correction, not to depress you or anything, she could have stayed, Ryan. She chose to go with her family," Seth said, as he felt a sense of stupidity wash over him, "Listen, whatever her reasons were for leaving, she still loves you, man. You were the first guy she ever loved, and trust me; that counts for a lot of chick-points."

"Seth, whatever reasons you have, for coming in here in the middle of the night, just drop it. You don't understand," Ryan muttered, as his spirits sunk.

"Ryan," Seth said again, and this time Ryan looked up firmly, "I only want to see you out of your 'phase'. If you're going to get over her, you might as well start sooner than later. It'll be easier to get passed this, if you stop wallowing, and start living. It's like this girl cut a vessel from your body, and left you to die; she didn't, " Seth added, "The only way things will get better, is if you let it." Seth said, and as he left he patted Ryan on the back. Soon, Ryan heard the door click, as it closed.