Thank you so, so much for all the reviews! Honestly, even as I'm writing this now, I have no idea how this is going to finish off. I wish I did. Anyway, please keep reviewing. I appreciate it tons! hearts;


Chapter Thirteen

"So, my little lovebirds, how's everything?" Seth waddled into the house excitedly, gazing from Ryan to Marissa, each in turn. He made sure to look around his surroundings while doing so- he noticed the cozy feel to the house, with the hardwood floor and oak furniture. He half-expected a fire blazing in a fireplace around the corner. Surely, he found no such thing.

"Oh it's alright- it's going to take a lot of getting used to," Marissa sighed, leading them toward the recreational room. She dropped her hands to her sides helplessly, as she kicked an empty moving box from underneath her feet, "It's going to take a lot of cleaning up as well," She tried to direct the conversation in a casual, almost indifferent manner. She didn't want Seth to see her tears, and pain behind that superficial smile. Ryan wrapped an arm around her shoulder, almost understanding the very essence of her conversation. They both collapsed on the couch lazily, with Seth following shortly after.

"It can't be that bad," Seth reassured boldly.

Marissa turned to look over at him, "You don't know what it's like, Seth," she shook her head lightly, almost in disappointment.

"Marissa, you say it all now, because it's new to you. But I promise you, things are always okay in the end. And if they're not okay, then it's not the end," Seth said, for once sounding the least bit wise. Marissa managed to smirk.

"You sound like some inspirational therapist," she smiled to herself lightly, "I'm not crazy, Seth, so save your lines. What if you left Summer? Like, right now. Could you? Would you?" Marissa said, looking over at him. Seth seemed to squirm underneath the heat of the question.

"Point taken," Seth replied solemnly, after a moment of mental contemplation, "But still Marissa. There's no point in wallowing here in New York, while you could be- I don't know- meeting people, doing things, seeing things? The fun stuff."

"Again, easy for you to say," she sighed lightly, "But whatever, no more on my topic. I have one question Seth. Are you aware that you're going to get murdered when you come back to Newport? Leaving Sum wasn't the greatest idea," she giggled softly. Ryan chimed in with her, laughing lightly. Seth cringed, as he imagined it.

"She'll live," he shrugged, with a smile.

"Yeah, but you won't," Ryan chuckled, holding Marissa a little tighter, so that she could feel the entire sanctuary of his infinite hold. Marissa looked up at him with a smile.

"Next time you ambush me like that, guys, bring her, okay?" she laughed, feeling her phone vibrating in her pocket, "Shit," she muttered, as she quickly pulled it, flipping it open. She almost laughed when she heard Summer on the other line.

"Is Cohen with you?" Summer hissed into the phone, "'Cause I very faintly remember him waking me up at night, and telling me he was in New York. Is he and Ryan with you? His flipping phone's off!"

"Someone didn't get her beauty sleep," Marissa joked, turning to Seth with a giggle, "He's all yours, Sum," she grinned, throwing the phone over to him, "Knock yourself out," Marissa smiled, as he took Ryan's had, dragging him out of the room up to Marissa's room.

Marissa smiled at Ryan tentatively, pressing her lips against his, "I guess this means you're going to be leaving soon," she whispered, in between her harsh, urgent kisses, "I'm not ready to say goodbye, yet," Marissa sighed gently, snaking her arms around his neck, "Please don't leave Ryan, please don't,"

Ryan continued to kiss her, until he felt her pull away. Her pressing gaze almost demanded a reply. He shrugged, pocketing his hands helplessly, "What can I do?" he asked, his voice filled with wonder, "I wish I could stay. I wish we could be together, Marissa. It's just going to be, too hard." Ryan said, trying to convince himself as he spoke.

Marissa nodded, swallowing deeply, "You're right," she said, as her lip quivered. She bit it quickly, suppressing her tears, "Ryan, I know our whole relationship won't work- but, I just need you to promise me something."

Ryan looked over at her, curious as to what she was referring to, "Yeah, anything." He replied.

"I never want you to forget me- ever." She said softly, looking away, "As much as I love you, and want you, and need you, and respect you… I want us to be at least friends." She said quietly, and Ryan saw how hard those words were for her.

"It's impossible to forget you," Ryan said quietly, locking his gaze with hers, "Impossible," he repeated, even quieter, pulling her closer for a kiss. Within a matter of moments, they heard Seth crashing up the stairs.

"Where are you guys?" he whined, as he walked into the room quickly, "Oh- there you are," he smiled nervously, seeing them in between their kisses, "Well, I just wanted to give you this," Seth handed Marissa the phone. He looked almost pale in the face, "I'll just, uh, leave you two alone," he said, but Ryan stopped him, glancing at Marissa.

"No, uh, actually," Ryan said, "I think we're going to have to get going," he looked over at her, "Walk us out?" Marissa nodded, her lips curled into a frown. She inhaled deeply, as she followed closely behind them, leading them toward the front door. As they approached it, Ryan's heart started to beat louder in his chest, as though it were ready to pop out. They gathered outside the front door, just before the steps leading to Marissa's house.

Marissa decided that saying goodbye to Seth, would be easier. She walked up to him, giving him a light hug, "Thanks for coming, Seth," she nodded lightly, "Don't change, alright? You're a pretty cool guy. It's a shame it took me almost my entire life to realize that," she looked up at him apologetically, "Say hi to Summer, and uh, I guess take care of yourself,"

"You too, Marissa," he said quietly, "Ryan, I'll be waiting over there," he pointed to the patch of grass, a couple of yards away- out of ear shot, anyway. Ryan nodded, turning his full attention to Marissa.

She smiled up at him weakly, "So I guess this is it," she said softly, looking up at him, "Like I said, don't forget me, okay?" she sighed lightly, camouflaging the pain that was tearing her from inside, "I, I love you Ryan. I love you so much," she said, giving him a gentle peck on the cheek, "Talk to you soon," she stammered, with a light gulp, "Bye, Ryan," she said, as she headed toward the door.

"Marissa, wait," Ryan said, grabbing a hold of her arm, pulling her close to him for another, more passionate kiss, "I love you, more than you will ever know," he muttered, as soon as he pulled away. She nodded lightly, pressing her lips together.

"Bye," she whispered, this time getting as far as opening the door.

Before she disappeared inside, Ryan spoke up once more, "Nice mailbox," Ryan said, a silly, almost flaring expression in his eyes. Marissa looked over at him confusedly, but she decided not to make anything out of it. She closed the door behind her, leaning against it as she did. She couldn't help but slide down to the floor, tears streaming down her face.

Ryan turned to leave quietly, sauntering over to where Seth stood, speechlessly. Seth didn't bother and question him.

Marissa continued to sob behind the door, her face wet with tears. Her breaths became more frequent, and tired, as she tried to calm her raging emotions. The pain she felt in her heart right then and there was simply inexplicable. Her feelings seemed to be stirred deep inside of her, with every cry, and with every tear that made a trail down her cheek, "Ryan…" she moaned, her voice muffled by her tears. She couldn't help but wonder, why at the moment of their goodbye, Ryan would comment on her mailbox.

And then it dawned on her. She scrambled to her feet, opening the door furiously, as she peeked inside her mailbox. Surely, as she had hoped, there was an envelope. As she pulled it from inside, wiping the tears from her face eagerly, she noticed it was his very distinct handwriting scribbled on the envelope. Her name was written on the very center of it- Marissa Cooper. She looked over, to where Seth had stood only minutes earlier- both Ryan and Seth had disappeared. She tore it open nevertheless, her whole body and soul aching to see what was written. As she threw open the envelope, she noticed a letter- a long letter. She was captivated by it. Unable to withstand her curiosity, she ran to her room, ready to read what Ryan had written.

As she tumbled onto her bed, she started to read:

Marissa,

I'm probably gone by now, and you're probably wondering what's so important, that I would have to write it in a damned letter. You're probably just skimming through the words, until you get to the meat of the message. There is no meat. I wrote this, so that I could express to you all my emotions, and let you know what was going through my mind when you closed that door of the pool house, after you told me you were leaving- I'm even going to tell you what's going through my head right now, as I write this. Well, I can't say this was pre-planned. I just wasn't sure whether or not you would be happy with my coming to visit you. So in case we left off on bad terms, I just wanted you to know all this. Marissa Cooper, you're the person that makes me want to wake up each morning. Only the thought of grazing your beautiful hair, makes me jump right out of bed. I want to be someone for you. I want to be someone that you could be proud of. I was trying so hard- I wanted to make you happy. Now, I don't know what I did wrong. When everything was going perfectly in my eyes, you disappeared. I didn't know what to think when I heard those doors slam. I was miserable. Absolutely miserable. In a way, I hated you right then and there, for doing something like that to me. I just didn't understand why you could just leave me. I guess it was selfish for me to believe that you were always all mine. It was also selfish of me, for believing that you could be all mine forever and more. Then I realized your priorities, and I guess I understood where you were coming from- at least I think I did. But that feeling didn't go away. That feeling of pain, anger, even fear- it didn't go away. I'm so excited about seeing you Marissa, but then again I'm scared- my heart is already broken, I don't need it shattered again, especially during our goodbye. I just wanted to know that you're okay. The whole night I was thinking about what you were doing, what you were thinking- and I couldn't stop. I just had to convince myself you were okay. I hope you're okay- I hope to God that you're really okay, Marissa. I want you to be happy- you out of all people. I want you to be able to grant someone that warmth of your smile, that softness of your touch, even if that someone isn't me. I want you to be happy, if you can understand that. I want you to be happy right now, even if that means that you'll eventually forget me, forget everything about me. As much as I don't want it to be true, I know that the day will come, when I will become a mere no one, which you could not care less for. It's tough, but I've come to admit that to myself throughout the ride over here. Marissa, I also wish one thing for you- next time you fall in love, I hope that you don't break a poor guy's heart, like you did mine. Because although I got the opportunity to love another with all my heart, the feeling of having it all ripped away from you, is unbearable. But hey, I get it all- at least I'm trying to. You know how much I care for you. You know that it's physically impossible to write it all down, and tell you exactly what I feel for you, Marissa. Your were the colour in my life- the taste, the happiness, the world. I just can't believe that it was so easy for you to say goodbye. I definitely know it's love, because if it wasn't, then my heart couldn't possibly endure the real thing. Either way, Marissa- life is going to be tough, knowing that you're being held in someone else's arms, being kissed by someone else. I don't think I can imagine it, take it. But if that's what's going to make you happy one day, then so be it. I want you happy. I need you happy. Marissa, I love you so fucking much. I don't know how I'll be able to live here in Newport, all alone, but I'll try and manage. I pray that this is how things were meant to be. I love you- and don't you ever forget that.

- Ryan Atwood.

P/S: I'm sitting here in this café, with Seth sitting in front of me wondering why I look so miserable. I'm trying to hold back the tears, I'm trying to be brave. I'm trying so hard not to cry because of you. Boys don't cry.


The End