Disclaimer Fortunately for the sanity of all who are even distantly in any relationship with Tolkien, the Lord of the Rings, Elves, Hobbits, dwarves, wizards, or otherwise, I do not own the Lord of the Rings. That is, however, quite unfortunate for me, since I would be set for life. Not to mention I could probably take a tour on the set of the Lord of the Rings for free. O well. I'll just have to settle for giving you a tour of Rivendell, a little crazier.

Uh, Boromir?

Chapter 1 A Somewhat Crazier Council.

"Gondor has no king. Gondor needs no king,"Boromir told Aragorn, son of Arathorn. There was an awkward silence between them, which no one broke for quite some time. The two men were seated about half a circle away from each other in Rivendell. They had both been summoned by Lord Elrond and, ever since Boromir had discovered Aragorn was Isildur's heir, the Gondorian had been at the Ranger's throat. For a moment, Boromir felt odd, but it was not the Ranger's gaze that disquieted him. Perhaps it was the awkward presence of the elves, something Boromir was not accustomed to. Faramir would have reacted so much differently. Faramir would love it here with all the pointy eared, no good. . .

"Elves!" Boromir yelled. The entire Council stared at him.

"No duh, we're elves! Who do you think has been yelling at you for the last half hour?! You are in Rivendell! Rivendell is where elves live! Get it?!"

"Elf," Boromir whimpered.

"As we were saying," Elrond cued everyone back into reality.

"Aragorn is right," declared Gandalf. "We cannot use it."

"It! What is it?! Who is Aragorn?"yelled Boromir to no one in particular.

"I just told you who Aragorn was about ten seconds ago!" Legolas exclaimed, quickly losing patience with the hair-brained human.

"I don't remember, Master Elf," Boromir said meekly. Everyone was beginning to get a little confused. Only moments ago, Boromir had been arguing with this same elf about who Aragorn as and whether his opinion should even matter in the decision of the council. Now he was acting as if elves were the most wonderful thing in the world.

"I'm Aragorn," declared the Ranger, deciding it didn't really profit anyone if they spent half the day arguing about Boromir's IQ.

"Elen sila lummen omentielvo," Boromir replied.

"What?!" asked Gimli.

"It's an elvish greeting," Frodo informed him.

"Where did you learn that?" wondered one of the Gondorian who was sitting beside Boromir.

"I learned that, mellon nin, from one of the ancient novels of Minas Tirith," Boromir said. The other Gondorian was amazed because Boromir rarely read anything out of the library of Minas Tirith.

"Anyway, from what I can see, there is only one choice: The ring must be destroyed," Elrond declared. Gimli and Boromir rose at the same time, but the man was quicker. His sword made contact with the ring and Boromir was sent flying backwards into Elrond. The sword was lost in the confusion.

"Ouch!" a voice from somewhere outside the courtyard cried out in pain.

"Spy!" yelled one of the elves of Mirkwood.

"Kill him!" challenged Gimli.

"Don't hurt him!" Frodo screamed over the insane stampede of dwarves, elves, and men. "Run Sam!"

"Oh my. . .!" Sam cried out in fear.

"Hatho, Hold!" Legolas shouted. Amazingly everyone obeyed. He calmly walked over to Sam who was trying unsuccessfully to blend in with a tree. "Who are you?" Legolas asked, his voice neither kind nor cruel.

"He's my gardener and has been a faithful companion to me since we left the Shire," Frodo said. The army disbanded and left Sam. Legolas remained for a moment.

"You may as well come to the council if you have been spying on us this long." Sam nodded gleefully, delighted to have been invited by and Elf.

"Boromir, are you alright?" Elrond asked the dazed human who still sat at his feet.

"Yes," Boromir said, still sounding somewhat stunned. One of the Gondorians came over and aided their captain to his seat.

"Do you need a keg of ale?" Gimli asked. "Drinks for everyone!"

"Hold on. We have business to attend to," Elrond objected. No one listened. Gimli has sent Bilbo to get some ale and the dwarves were setting up a table on the lawn. Frodo dashed over to the ring and hid it in his pocket. He didn't wish for any servants of the enemy to take it.

Thus the Council of Elrond became the council of Ale. Soon the dwarves were making rivers of ale that dripped from their beards. Frodo was once again on a table singing 'The Man in the Moon Stayed Up Too Late". Even the elves and Gandalf were engaged in the merry making. Elrond proceeded to scream and began pounding his head on a chair.

"Master Elrond, are you okay?" Sam asked innocently. Breathing deeply in an attempt not to strangle anyone, Elrond gestured toward the group. "Consider it a coffee break," Sam encouraged.

"I see no coffee," Elrond observed. "I see trouble." As if on cue, there came a rustling in the bushes.

"Merry, I smell ale!"

"Let's go!" the two cousins raced toward the group of insane drunkards.

"Pippin! Merry! What are you doing here?!" exclaimed Frodo.

"We're his loyal cousins from the Shire," Merry explained to the intoxicated council.

"Where's the shire?" asked Boromir.

"It's west of here, just another place that needs to be conquered by Gondor when we join with Mordor," Aragorn answered.

"What?!" exclaimed Elrond and Legolas who were certain they had either heard wrong or Aragorn had way too much ale.

"You heard me, ya good for nothing elves!"

"Don't mock elves. They're the oldest and wisest beings in ennorath!" Boromir defended.

"Yeah right! I could hold their intelligence in this keg!" Gimli yelled.

"That is more than can be said for you," countered Legolas, observing that the dwarf didn't growl.

"High treason! Hang him at dawn!" hollered Aragorn.

"Yes, Captain!" cackled Boromir loudly. Unfortunately, Legolas, who was behind him, reacted to the pain in his ears and whopped Boromir over the head with a mug, momentarily dazing him.

"Is someone attacking the Shire?" asked Pippin, because he thought he had heard something about the matter.

"Yes, I certainly am, I Aragorn, son of Gloin, king of Rohan!" Aragorn sang. Elrond tried to lead him away from the young Hobbits, but the Ranger wouldn't allow it. "Let me stay. They can do little to warn their friends now."

"Rivendell will aid us." Merry screamed.

"Where was Rivendell when Buckland burned, where was Rivendell when the West farthing fell? No, my young Hobbit, you are along," Aragorn laughed maliciously.

"Buckland burned? How? When?" Frodo shrieked jumping off the table and hitting Legolas in the head with his mug. "Sorry," he hastily apologized. Legolas decided to treat the approaching headache with another round. Pippin and Merry joined him.

"Mithrandir!" wailed Elrond.

"Half a moment, my good elf. I've not yet finished going insane," the wizard chuckled.

"Oh, captain, my captain," Boromir groaned as he gained consciousness.

"Ten caps! Where?!" screeched Pippin excitedly. Elrond promptly shoved a cap (a stone) into Pippin's mouth.

"Is not airy sasy" he commented (It's not very tasty). When Merry removed it, Elrond abandoned the Council, hoping to return later and use the incident as black mail.

"Don't worry. This will only hurt if I miss."

"Fear not, mellon nin, I am immune to pain," Boromir replied. Elrond fearfully glanced up from the tenth book he had finished since the council had been delayed. He saw Legolas aiming an arrow at Boromir's head, using his teeth. His bow rested on the ring of power, which appeared as if it would fall of the table at any moment. An intoxicated Frodo had apparently loaned it to the semi-intoxicated Prince of Mirkwood.

"Legolas!" screamed Elrond.

"What?" Legolas inquired accidentally loosing the arrow. It whizzed past Elrond's head, ricocheted off the wall behind him, deflected off Glamdring and imbedded itself in the tree just above Boromir's head. The Lord of Imladris promptly fainted. Merry and Pippin rushed over, lifted Elrond, and prepared to leave, looking quite mischievous.

"Whither arst thou headed, halflings?"demanded Aragorn.

"To the river," Pippin replied. Both hobbits began singing the same song the Mirkwood elves had sung as they rolled Bilbo's barrels into the river. Bilbo soon joined in as did Gimli. When that happened, Legolas only uncovered his ears long enough to aim an arrow at the dwarf. Gandalf stepped between the two and Legolas reluctantly lowered his bow. Elrond awoke to a tone-deaf dwarf and two annoying Hobbits singing and swinging him from side to side.

"Aragorn do something!"he yelled desperately. Aragorn belched and ordered Frodo to refill his drink.

"You refill it, you bloody, sharp-toothed Ranger!" shrieked the Ringbearer.

"Sam, refill the Lord Snider's pipe," Gandalf yelled, still positioned between Legolas and Gimli.

"Who's Shnider?" asked Sam, quite confused.

"Just fill it you stupid halfling and for heavens' sake stand higher than that!" Boromir bellowed. Pippin and Merry looked at each other. They dropped Elrond and jumped atop Frodo, first Merry, then Pippin. An elf boosted a terrified Samwise Gamgee to the top of the Hobbit pyramid. Seeing his chance Legolas tossed Sam an apple.

"Put it on your head." Sam foolishly did so. The elf fit an arrow to the string an released. Only then did Sam realize the danger he was in. He jumped quite gracefully off the first three feet of Hobbit then fell on the ground from about six feet high. By then, even Legolas couldn't see where the arrow had gone, so he sat down, ignoring the pile of bruised Hobbits.

Elrond was quickly losing patience.

"Everyone find a seat," He ordered. The council swaggered to a chair. "Now as I was saying, someone has to go into Mordor and throw the ring into the Fires of Mount Doom," Elrond said in the simplest words possible.

"Mordor - elvish for 'black lands'" Boromir muttered loudly.

"Yes may we leave first grade now?" Legolas asked, rolling his eyes.

"One of you must do this," continued Elrond, ignoring their comments. Everyone was silent. "Anyone?" After a while Frodo rose.

"I'll go to Mahldur. I've been needin' a good walk."

"Mahldur-yellow sleep. Is that some form of elvish drink. . ."

"Oh, I'll go just to get away from this human!" Legolas hollered, dashing behind Frodo.

"Elf. I go with elf." Gimli said slowly walking toward Frodo in a zombie-like fashion.

"Me too," Boromir jumped up.

"I'll protect you, Leggy!" cried Aragorn, drawing his sword. Elrond made him sheathe it. The other three hobbits stepped behind Frodo, placing their hands on his head to show they were coming too.

"Gandalf?" Elrond questioned.

"Hi ho, Hi ho it's off to work we go," the wizard sang, skipping up to the others. He passed them, and in his merriment, bonked Elrond on the head. He continued singing. "We are the fellowship of the Ring. Hi ho-hi-ho."

Please R&R