A Job for Sanosuke
Chapter 3 – Sanosuke, Queen of the Akabeko
By Shirou Shinjin.
Disclaimer: I have not, do not, and most likely will never own Rurouni Kenshin, or its characters. They belong to various evil corporations, and the wonderful Watsuki-sama. I'm just going to borrow them for a bit, k?
'One foot in front of the other, Sano; you can do this...' Sano doggedly marched down the middle of the Akabeko towards the booth which Tae was standing in front of. He would not let this beat him. He had survived against incredible odds before, and this time would be no exception.
Two booths away.
'It's just a kimono; it's not like it changes who I really am...'
One booth away.
'Yeah; when I get to that booth, I'm going to look those people in the eyes and dare them to make a crack!'
Sano turned to face the occupants of the booth and felt his blood freeze. All of a sudden, he very much wished some kind kami would strike him dead where he stood.
"I'll just leave these gentlemen to you, Sanosuke-han." Tae smiled innocently, and walked off to tend to other customers. Sano didn't particularly notice.
"Ginji, Tomo," Sano greeting his buddies mechanically. They just stared back at him as if he'd suddenly grown a second head. "What will you have today?"
Tomo was the first to come out of his sudden coma. "Hot pot," he said, trying very hard not too look anywhere but at Sano's face, and failing rather miserably.
"For two," Ginji amended, sounding as if he had never used his voice before in his life.
"Right," Sano managed to croak out. He turned and slowly walked towards the back of the restaurant.
Meanwhile, Genji and Tomo turned to look at each other. "Did I just..." Tomo began before being interrupted by Genji.
"No, and neither did I. We've both had a bit too much to drink, and are obviously hallucinating."
"But... we haven't had anything to drink today."
"That just goes to show how much we must have drunk to have completely forgotten having drunk it."
"But... sake doesn't normally do this. Does it?"
"I have no idea, but I am willing to accept for the moment that it does."
"Fine by me."
"Now let us never speak of it again."
"What do we do if he comes back and he's still pink?"
"I don't know..."
While Tomo and Ginji were discussing the potential benefits of swearing off alcohol for the rest of their lives, Sano was slowly dragging himself back to the rear of the restaurant. He didn't hear the sniggers of the patrons as he walked past... all he knew was that his life was officially over.
As he sluggishly walked into the back room, Tae came up to him.
"Well, Sanosuke-han? What did they want?" Tae was as cheerful as ever... perhaps even more cheerful than when she'd first seen him wearing the evil pink kimono.
"Hot pot for two," he managed to drone out. He was still trying to come to grips with the situation.
"Wonderful! Write the order down on this slip of paper here, hand it to the cooks, and then head back out to take more orders! You'll be on tables one, three, five and seven." Tae skipped up to Sano and clasped him on the shoulders. "You're doing such a good job, Sanosuke-han!" With that, she merrily made her way back into the restaurant as if on cloud nine.
Sano, meanwhile, was being forced to re-evaluate just how low a man could feel. He dutifully wrote the order down, handed it to the cooks (who seemed very sympathetic to his plight, bless their souls), and unsteadily headed back out.
If Sano thought the incident with Tomo and Ginji was bad, he obviously wasn't being very imaginative. At first, it was just random people who appeared. Most of them he didn't know, so it wasn't so bad. They would either give him an incredulous stare, snigger after he'd turned his back on them, or confide that they thought he was very brave and must be very secure in his masculinity.
But it didn't last long. Sano didn't suspect it was Tomo or Ginji who did the deed, but it quickly became apparent that someone was spreading the word like the flu through a school yard that the Zanza, Mr. Macho himself, was down at the Akabeko dressed like daddy's little princess.
It wasn't long before people he did know started to show up. Drinking friends, gambling friends, guys he'd met on the street, girls he'd flirted with, people he owed money to. He'd become a one-man sideshow, and Tae was raking in the cash because of it.
After an hour or so, Sano could almost feel his nerves fraying at the ends. That was when a bunch of no-goods from a local Yakuza group came sauntering in, and asked for the "pretty new waiter." Sano was tempted to just knock them unconscious. He seemed to recall having done it on at least one occasion before.
"What the hell do you three want?" he asked, not bothering to hide his distaste for the hooligans.
"Wha? Where are your manners? We're customers! That means you gotta treat us with respect-like!"
"Yeah, little missy! We're paying customers. Why don't you scoot along and get us some sake, toots."
The third just sat back and laughed.
"Toots?" Sano's fists involuntarily opened and closed in barely contained rage. "How would you like it if I turned you three into the soy paste for the miso, huh?" With a sudden rush of testosterone, he turned his most fearsome glare on them. He wanted them to wet their pants.
Instead, they just laughed even harder. "You, beat us up? While you're wearing that!"
Sano growled, and got ready to throw out some trash, when he felt a surprisingly strong grip on his shoulder.
"Sanosuke..." It was Tae. "I'm surprised at you—you know you can't simply go around hitting customers."
Dimwit number three decided to chip in; "Yeah, little miss princess! We're customers—you can't touch us!"
Sano was practically shaking with need to hurt these three as badly as possible. "Tae..." Making him wear pink was bad enough, but having to put up with this...
"However, I don't recall these three having paid for anything."
You could have heard a pin drop as their rancorous laughter died almost instantly.
Tae's face became thoughtful. "And come to think of it, I seem to remember these three skipping out on a bill the last time they were here."
The three punks slowly began edging their way towards the door. Sano put on his most vicious smile... the kind that makes you wonder if he's about to lunge for your neck and take a bite out of it. "They don't sound like customers to me, Tae... they sound more like trouble."
"Indeed, Sanosuke-han. And I don't like trouble in my restaurant..."
Sano cracked his knuckles.
Realizing that there was nothing on Earth that would save them now, they screamed and ran for the door as fast as they could, tripping over themselves in their haste to escape.
Sano and Tae stood side-by-side for a few minutes before Sano burst into laughter. Tae simply smiled as usual, gave Sano a pat on the back, and got back to work.
After that, the patrons seemed suspiciously reticent to give him a hard time, and that was fine with Sano. The run-in with the morons had given him a much-needed ego boost. He remembered just exactly how he had gotten through life thus far: determination, bravado, and out-and-out lying.
He began to concoct a laudable story about how Tae was terribly understaffed today, and had needed the help so badly, that brave, heroic Sano had offered to help out, even at the cost of wearing a frilly pink kimono. He was just that kind of guy...
A surprising number of people actually believed this contrived rubbish, although that was likely because accepting that he was lying would have been far more emotionally scarring.
Of course, those that actually knew him weren't fooled so easily. More than a few gambling buddies swung around to drop off comments to the effect that it was high time someone called one of his tabs in. Those people often found themselves with a hot cup of tea "accidentally" poured in their laps very quickly.
And so, the morning wore on. Despite his best efforts, with every customer Sano served he felt a small part of his masculinity shrivel up, and the strain of his predicament was slowly wearing him down. This one day of work was going to be the most exhausting battle of his life.
At least Shishio had been considerate enough to knock him unconscious for a while.
With his legs feeling like they were made of lead, Sano made his way into the back room, found a mat and sat down heavily. He felt exhausted, and it wasn't even lunch time yet. How Tae did this all day long, he'd never know. He peered over his shoulder to see Tsubame sitting quietly beside him, sipping at a cup of tea.
"Tired, kiddo?" he asked.
"No, Sanosuke-san. Just having a drink." Wow. She'd been at this as long as he had, and she was still sprightly... well, as sprightly as Tsubame ever got. Caught in his thoughts, he didn't notice Tsubame turn her gaze to his kimono. "Sanosuke-san..."
He traced her gaze, and sighed heavily. "Yeah, I know... it's awful, isn't it?"
"No, it's not that," she replied timidly. "It's just... she must have done a very good job."
This was unexpected. "Huh?"
"Well, I mean... that kimono used to be so much smaller. It's amazing she managed to get it to fit you with so little time... uh! Not that you're big or anything!"
Sano's mind was a little too preoccupied to notice Tsubame's sudden stuttering. "I guess Tae must be pretty good with a needle, eh?" But then something floated in from the back of his mind...
"Oh no, Tae-san didn't make the alterations."
"Then... who did she get?" Sano had a bad feeling about this...
"I had to get someone in just to make it long enough to fit you!"
"Well, yesterday she asked me to go find Kaoru-san in the markets. I guess she must have done it while she was over here."
"We went to visit Tae-san."
Jou-chan... knew.
Tsubame's little rhetoric on how Kaoru-san was a lot more feminine that most people gave her credit for was lost to Sano. She knew. Tomo and Ginji knowing, Sano could handle. His pals from the gambling halls knowing, he could live with.
But Jou-chan? 'Oh please, no...' He'd never hear the end of it... every last time he'd skimped out on helping was coming back in some sick kind of divide karmic retribution... every past sin in his life had chosen this precise moment to exact payment.
All those jokes about her being a tomboy... and now...
Sano very much wanted to cry then and there.
"Sanosuke-san? Are you alright?" Tsubame was looking at him worriedly. It must have been because he was white as a sheet. "Was... was it something I said?"
Jeeze... this girl was worse than Kenshin for the whole guilt thing. "Nah... I'm... I'm just a bit tired, y'know... kind of a stressful day..."
Tsubame nodded sadly. Putting her empty cup down, she walked back towards the restaurant.
Sano, meanwhile, was left to wallow in a pit of his own misery. To be honest, he could handle most people finding out about this, but Jou-chan was like his little sister. He just couldn't bear the thought of her knowing about this. He thought back to breakfast, and dearly wished he could go back and be nicer... for once, offering to help carry groceries would have been the lesser of two evils.
From beyond the doorway, he heard someone's happy chatter coming towards the back room. "Sanosuke-han! Sanosuke-han!" It was the demon mistress herself, come to heap pain, misery and suffering upon him. Whee.
"What now?" he mumbled.
"Sano-han... you don't look so well. Maybe you should get some fresh air..."
Wait for it... the catch'll come any second now.
"...so I have a job for you!"
Bingo.
"I want you to make a delivery for me."
Sano's head shot up. "What, you mean... outside... with all the people?"
"Well, there wouldn't be much point if it was someone in the restaurant, now would there?"
"But... there's so many people out there!"
"That happens, Sano-han—it's called being in a city. People tend to live in cities." How could you argue with logic like that?
"What could possibly be more important than degrading myself in front of every man, woman and child that walks in here?" Sano didn't feel like being eloquent... not that he knew how to be eloquent in the first place, or even what it meant.
"Silly Sano." Tae patted him on the shoulder and sat down next to him. "I've had this idea of starting a home-delivery for meals for ages now, but I've never been able to spare the man-power." She gestured in the general direction of the restaurant. "Yahiko and Tsubame are hard workers, but they aren't really suited to lugging lots of heavy food around town." She sighed, and then turned to Sano. "Lucky for me, you're here!"
"Yeah. Lucky. Must be a total coincidence."
"I know! And it just so happens I have a friend who has always been supporting me, and I want her to be the first to try it!" Tae beamed at Sano.
Without waiting to hear his opinion (which she probably wouldn't have liked, anyway), she ushered him out the back. There was what could only be described as a crate. He watched as several of the cooks carefully stacked small boxes of rice and vegetables inside. Then, on the top, they set a medium-sized sukiyaki wok, still bubbling with heat.
"Now, it's important that you don't dawdle, Sano-han. You need to get there before the food over-cooks. And don't drop anything, or break anything."
"I don't suppose you want me to hang around while they're eating, and bring the stuff back when they're done?" Sano asked, a hint of hopefulness creeping into his voice.
"Oh of course not! Just tell her to send the wok back when she's done. She's a good friend, so I trust her." 'Oh damn. There goes that escape.'
"So, uh... where am I going, anyway?"
"Here are the directions to her house."
Sano stared in a mild amount of shock. It was clear he didn't have to worry about knowing anyone in this neck of the woods... this area was seriously high-class. Not king of the hill type high-class, but these people had more gravy then he'd ever see. He had absolutely no idea who this woman could be.
"Now, off with you, Sano! The hot-pot is cooking! And don't forget..." Tae began, and she then dropped her voice. "It's fourteen minutes there, fourteen minutes back, maximum of six and a half minutes to make the drop off, deal with pleasantries and be on your way." He should have known she'd already timed how long this would take. "More than five minutes over, and I might just have to keep you around longer to make up for lost time."
Sano practically bolted out the gate and into the street.
"And don't spill anything, or we'll have to try again tomorrow!"
For once in his life, Sano was not lost. For once, Sano had a map. For once, Sano was using his map.
Normally, he would be content to just amble around until he got hungry, find something to eat, then sorta gravitate towards the largest disturbance he could find, which inevitably had something to do with Kenshin.
In this case, time was not a luxury he could afford. And so, he stuck to the map, careful to make sure he knew where he was. As he'd wandered away from the Akabeko, the houses had grown more up-scale, more refined. Perfectly manicured gardens, spectacular water features, and immense, imposing iron gates adorned the street he was currently on. There was absolutely no chance he knew anyone in this part of town.
He eventually came to the house marked with a small arrow and heart on Tae's map. Her directions had been... colourful, to say the least. It was like Tae had some kind of repressed artist in her, crying to get out and splash colour around willy-nilly. She'd even drawn a smily face on the sun.
That woman needed help.
Glancing up from the map, he took in the house before him. There was something... odd... about it. The house itself was a perfectly traditional Japanese home—not a trace of the westernisation the other homes exhibited. The gardens were perfectly kept—the design seemed almost symmetrical, if it weren't for the odd flairs of creativity that adorned it. It was like a military commander had laid out the plants, only to have his rambunctious daughter turn his prize topiaries into a pony and a kitty-cat.
Never the less, the clock was ticking, so he carefully made his way up to the front porch, and knocked on the door. Remembering Tae's warning to be polite, he added "Akabeko delivery" as an afterthought.
The sound of footsteps came from within, and he braced himself. The door slid open, and time stopped.
She was... words could not describe that kind of beauty. Saying this woman was a vision from heaven would be insulting to her. Sano had never beheld a woman this refined, this jaw-droppingly, staggering, mind-blowingly, awesomely, ... his mind had completely run out of adjectives. The only coherent thought that managed to piece the thick shroud she had draped over his mind was:
'Wow.'
"Oh, hello there. You must be the one helping Tae."
Her voice... it... it was like every songbird in the country singing in perfect harmony with each other... a heavenly lilt that made him feel like he was made of air, and could float through the sky on her musical words alone.
"Yeah."
"My, you are a man of few words, aren't you?"
And she wasn't the type who just bowed and preened herself, either... Sano knew a streak of mischievousness when he saw it. He was in love.
"Yeah."
"Well, you can't stand out there all day long. Let me fetch my husband to help you."
It was as if his dreams were a tall tower of glass, and her words were like the cannonball that sailed through it, smashing it to pieces around him. His life was over—it held no meaning for him any more now that this lovely... beautiful... uhh...
'Ah to hell with it. She's outta my league anyway. So's the kitsune, but hey, a guy's gotta have goals, right?'
Sano shook himself from his little daydream, and got ready to unload the heavy box from his back. He'd be glad to get this over and done with.
"Ah, here he is. Anata, could you help the young man with the food?"
He heard a derisive snort from the doorway. "Well, well, well. Look what the rooster dragged in."
His knees starting wobbling. No. Way. This is not happening.
He bought his gaze up to the person he second-least wanted to see right now.
"Oh crap. Not you."
Author's Rambling
Am I evil for ending it there or what? Just so you know, I've been practising my evil lately... been going to evil night classes, learning the fine Japanese art of "Ending Episodes at the Worst Possible Moment."
It's been a while since I updated, mostly due to Real Life™ getting in the way. I often anthropomorphise Real Life™ as a kind of giant ogre with a really big club, a small brain, and a perchant for smashing things. Not even my neurotic, caffeine-addicted kitty-muse is in any particular hurry to be bludgeoned into submission, so writing has to take a back-seat, I'm afraid.
That said, the time of my trial (for this year) is almost over... a few more weeks and no more assessments to worry about, and I can get on with making Sano suffer instead. Aah, karma...
Speaking of which, things are finally falling apart for poor Sano. But make no mistake, I'm just warming up. And who is our mystery man? It's obviously someone Sano knows, but who could it be?
Next chapter, we find out who the mystery couple are, Sano sits in on a delightfully cordial lunch with said couple, and then discovers that things can always get worse.
Until then,
Ja, ne
–賜狼審神
23rd October, 2005
The title for this chapter is a parody of the title of the hilarious (and mentally scarring) Australian film, Pricilla, Queen of the Desert. I encourage everyone to watch it... you get to see Hugo Weaving (aka: Agent Smith from The Matrix) as a drag queen! If that doesn't leave you screaming in terror, nothing will...
Special Thanks
To Author-chan for proof-reading this chapter, and her always useful knowledge of Meiji-era Japan.
Update (23rd February, 2006)
In finishing up the next chapter, I added something retroactively to this chapter. Specifically, the dialogue between Tae and Sano about which tables he'll be working. I also fixed some spelling and grammar mistakes.
