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Chapter Ten.

The thing about loneliness was that it could be ignored – until you were surrounded by another person by all hours of the day.

It wasn't in Tony's nature to be forgetful, he would hardly choose that word to describe himself (there was an abundance from the sack to choose from) but even he had to admit that there times where he would forget about Allison's presence. He couldn't tell which was to blame: the lack of sleep or how absorbed he was in his own world that he would sometimes forget her being there during the day. Not that he would ever admit it, of course, he didn't want her thinking the forgetfulness was simply because of being old or because he was a self-absorbed egomaniac.

He just couldn't sleep.

Briefly, there was an interval where he could manage to find safety in his dreams, to be able to fall into bed and not find the sheets strangling him and choking him, wrapped around his ankles and threatening to drag him down to Hell where he belonged with the rest of his demons. Pepper tried to help, she really and truly did; there was herbal tea introduced in replacement of coffee, morning and evening meditation, she even tried to get him into yoga but he couldn't find himself being able to sit still long enough, nerves jittering beneath his skin and ready to burst free. But Tony tried, he tried for Pepper, he drank the tea, did the meditation and even did a few hours of giggly yoga with her that ended as it always did.

Their self-made peace room was untouched back in Tony's downtown penthouse and he hadn't drank herbal tea in four months.

It hadn't been Pepper's fault, hadn't been anyone's fault but his; he just couldn't sleep and he thinks the final straw had been his nightmares. Sometimes, he forgot there was a line between this reality and the one in his head and Pepper sat beside him trying to shake Tony awake and she looked so, so, so like them that his hand had snatched forward and clutched at her throat. It had taken him a total of three and a quarter seconds to turn his life to dust as he held Pepper by the neck, panic and fear that had been burning through his veins smothered and there was ash in his mouth as the fog cleared and Pepper couldn't breathe.

It took her two days after that to move out. It had taken one for them to agree to break up.

Technically, it was "taking a break" but Tony couldn't stop eyeing the hazy purple snaking around her neck, the makeup she was wearing doing little to hide it and he would rather have burned himself alive than ever risk hurting Pepper ever again.

But it just couldn't be healed by these simple distractions, the hole deep in him couldn't be patched together and he wanted to try and tell her but it was so hard and she didn't really understand how far deep in he was, how even though he wanted nothing more than to be able to sleep, to be able to have a dreamless few hours at night he just couldn't. He supposed it was better to keep it all on the inside, to not have her realise, to have her remain ignorant on her own choice that he wasn't even really himself anymore because she deserved more than what he was and he couldn't give her what she deserved because he couldn't even sleep. He didn't want to see the signs beforehand, didn't want to realise that the only thing keeping them together, keeping her from leaving him, was the fact that they didn't have anyone else – not in the sense that mattered.

He loves Pepper, he loves her so much that sometimes he thinks he might just drown beneath it all and he never thought himself to be a poet of any kind but, by God, could she make him into whatever she wanted and he would do it willingly and freely. But Pepper had given nothing but radio silence for the past four months; Tony knew she needed space, knew she needed time to think and breathe without worrying about Tony all the damn time because sometimes she didn't understand the nervousness and worry that racked Tony's mind all the time and Tony just couldn't explain it, the words piled up at the back of his throat, never to be said.

So, Tony doesn't sleep and he works.

He stays in his small space, stays hidden and locked away from the rest of the world, their prying eyes and clicking cameras and trashy headlines. He stays in his small corner away from judging whispers and wandering eyes – but most specifically, he stays away from the Avengers.

Tony doesn't think himself a coward, but he's met braver men and, truth be told, he's never been more frightened of the colour red than he has been now. He knows they haven't forgiven him, haven't really trusted him as much as they did (however little that had been in the first place) before Ultron but now it's unbearable; he lets them talk amongst themselves and he lets them gossip because, being a group like that, they don't have much else to talk about. He grins and bears it, trying to ignore his nails biting into the palm of his hand.

Tony hates the colour red.

He tries to keep himself together from falling apart but it's hard, hard to listen to Wanda laugh and speak and hum because he sees them again, sprawled and spilled out like their guts from their stomachs and oh, God, they're dead, it's my fault, I killed them, I killed them all. Sometimes he's bitter and he wants her gone, wants her away from him because it was her, her who showed him his friends dying, showed him the danger of the worlds outside of this one and she tore him down from the inside out and he hadn't had a panic attack in a year and a half but now they're all too frequent because he dreams of red now. By the time he can pull himself from his hatred driven haze, his hands are already bleeding from his curled fists and he wipes the blood on his pants, staining them. Red puts a bad taste in his mouth and he tries not to let it seep into his tone whenever Steve tries to ask him about putting Wanda's U.S citizenship through quicker.

He misses Bruce.

He never thought he would miss him this much but he does and it burns because Bruce seemed to be the only one actually understood what was going through Tony's mind half the time; it was a sort of alliance in the beginning, working together until they began whispers of Ultron. Bruce had been hesitant, he always was, because he was half afraid it wouldn't work, half afraid it would. He just never took it working but turning out terribly into account. They had panicked, wondering what went wrong, how it could possibly go wrong because they did all the calculations and tried so, so hard to make it all work out and then it just – !

Didn't.

Bruce despised red, hated the colour, wanted to tear it from his mind and to destroy its existence. He hated the hue more than Tony ever could and now Tony burns that flame alone. Natasha doesn't even seem all that concerned anymore, not that it bothers Tony – not truly; even if does feel like half the time that this group is no longer made up of people he knows anymore, not made up of people he can trust. He even misses Thor, for all his loudness and naivety.

Thor had been MIA since the whole ordeal with Ultron and no one had heard even a whisper from him, didn't seem bothered to because he was a god, and wasn't that what gods do? Part of Tony feels relieved to know that the god of thunder is out there, to know that there is some semblance of safety settling around them. But he had questions, so many that were piled high to a height he couldn't fathom and it seemed that Thor could be the only one who could answer them as he had before; when red had bled into Tony's mind, the nightmare that was shown was not of the same degree as the other's and they wouldn't understand if he told them that it was more than just some whispered fear, but a harsh reality that would soon come to pass. And Tony had to ask Thor, had to find some sort of answer to tack onto what he had seen because it made no sense why they had all seen a past nightmare while his was one that had not yes happened. Tony had mentioned it in passing to the god when they were alone, hands in his pockets to disguise how sweaty they were, that he had seen the downfall of mankind, of the Avengers and that it was rather strange how it wasn't a dream he had been shown, but a possibility.

Serious was not a word that would oft describe the god of thunder, but it carved itself into his features, a deep set frown on his face; he had told Tony that he wasn't alone in being shown such a thing and relief flooded but was followed by a tsunami of fear, of fright. Tony wasn't one to hate being right but… seeing Thor's expression at Tony's saying so was not something he wished to see ever again. When he had left, the god had passed smiles (a tight lipped one towards Wanda but remaining friendly because he had learned to pick up the human, mundane art of pretending to like someone) and Steve and Tony had walked him out. Tony had thought it was fine now, it was all dealt with and everything would be fine.

Until Thor told him to be careful and to always be on his guard.

He might have pegged it to Thor being paranoid but Tony knew and Thor knew, too. Steve didn't and he simply passed off the exchange as being nothing more than a friendly good-bye. Tony left because he needed to breathe and he couldn't stand how smothering it was being around all these people who tried to act like a team but it was made up of people Tony didn't even know, couldn't even trust.

He doesn't like being around the Vision any more than he does Wanda.

Yet, it's more so sheer awkwardness than everything because it's J.A.R.V.I.S but it isn't, it's his voice but it's not. It's his personality, but it isn't because it's Vision and he's a completely different being that doesn't know Tony as J.A.R.V.I.S and Tony doesn't like being around him, doesn't like listening to his voice because it's like as if someone has torn his heart from his chest and crushed it to rubble in front of him and forced the dust down his throat, choking on it. He wonders if Vision knows – he must, he must have picked up on it because he's also J.A.R.V.I.S and J.A.R.V.I.S always knew, always was able to pick up on the subtle clues and hints that Tony desperately tried to hide because it was what he was programmed to do, what Tony had programmed into his very core. Maybe that had lingered, some semblance of J.A.R.V.I.S before the Vision and Tony didn't know if it comforted him or made him mourn the loss of one of the very few things he cared about in this world.

Once, Vision had come to see Tony, weeks after the battle in Sokovia and he was wearing normal clothes, people clothes because he was a person, of sorts and he was red. His voice was the same, carried the same lilt and same tone and it felt as if Tony was going to choke on all the thoughts and emotions that were piling up in the back of his throat because it wasn't J.A.R.V.I.S, however much he wanted it to be. Tony imagined tying a rope around those niggling feelings and imagine pushing them off the steep cliff of the edge of his mind, down, down, down so that he would never have to have them crawling to the forefront of his mind whenever Vision would look at him, red and blue eyed. Pity or concern, there wasn't really a difference because Vision was there all the same and with that same voice. So far, the Vision was the only one of the team to be brave enough, or concerned enough, to check on Tony, to ask him if he was alright.

Always am, Tony had laughed but it sounded hollow, echoing inside of him and cracking off the shell of himself. He wasn't any better than the suits he wore and tinkered with and he hated how empty it was on the inside of both. The Vision stared, gazing at Tony with those rarely blinking and wide, ocean blues and tugged at the collar of his shirt, unused to the material but trying, an effort of normality. Tony wanted to ask him, wanted to know and have those worries lessened but he couldn't, couldn't force the words pass the lump in the back of his throat, clinging to the tip of his tongue whenever he managed to gather the courage.

Down here, in his world of machinery, everything outside seemed less real, and it was just another one of his nightmares to deal with alone.

Alone, as always.

And Vision had seemed unsure of how to proceed, aware of Tony but unaware of human emotions (he was only a few weeks old at the time) and turned to leave, the visit bearing no fruit; Tony couldn't breathe, wanted him to go and he was near the door when the Vision turned, a quirk of a smile on his face and Tony's fingers were stiff from how tightly they were curled in on his fist.

You are not a creature of isolation, Tony. I would hate to see you try to mould yourself into something you are not.

But Tony had always been alone.

His parents, Pepper, even Rhodey when he was away and dedicating his life to the military. Obi, Steve.

He supposed that was why he had the brilliant idea of getting a personal assistant.

Tony had had worse ideas in the past, had carried out them as well, so he couldn't exactly lump this into being a bad spur of the moment decision. It hadn't been his intention when he went, hadn't even crossed his mind for even the briefest of moments during the ride to the location that F.R.I.D.A.Y had given; he didn't even ponder on it during those few short hours of sitting in that small and strange apartment, that young woman – Lisa, was it? – staring at him with bright green eyes, stiff and too frightened to speak, too frightened to move. He didn't even think about what he was hoping to accomplish with going there, having simply taken the excuse to do something, anything to take his mind off of the previous night of restlessness and dark eyes staring at him from the deepest corners of his unconscious mind, bearing fangs and ready to pounce on Tony and tear him apart. He was just there, there to do… do whatever he could think of when the moment came. Tony had always been curious, had always sought answers to questions he couldn't answer himself. He had dug up whatever he could, of course, but there was such a different from reading something online than hearing it straight from the horse's mouth.

That curiosity wasn't sated even when Allison had returned home, soaked to the bone and pale from the shock of seeing him in her living room.

Oh, no – if anything, it got worse.

You are not a creature of isolation, Tony, Vision had told him but Tony wouldn't call it done out of loneliness – no, he preferred to think that he indulged himself in his curiosity to find out more. And when the idea of actually hiring her as an assistant came to mind, he wasn't one to push it away. It wasn't because of isolation, it was his usual inquisitive self that reared its head; she seemed positively uncomfortable at the thought of actually working for him and, despite all the logical reasons why she should, he wanted to know why but couldn't ask, couldn't find it within him to ask. And he tried to brush it off, trying to make it seem like nothing could get to him but he felt somewhat frustrated, wanting to know why but now allowed to know the answer; and for two weeks straight, his phone was always in arm's reach or in his back pocket, put to full volume. Just when he had entertained the thought of giving up, it rang.

You are not a creature of isolation, Tony. It kept ringing at the back of his mind however much Tony wanted to push it away. He had been alone most of his life, from beginning to end; be it with his parents always away or dying, be it Rhodey and the military, Obie and running the company, Pepper and trying to make sure Tony didn't run his life into the ground fuelled on drink and drugs and when she did finally leave, Tony had always been alone. And he didn't know how to keep people whenever they wanted to stay in his life; Rhodey, bless him, tried so hard but there was always this arms width between them because Tony didn't want to end up crossing that line and making Rhodey walk out of his life however much his friend refused to do so. Obie went batshit crazy and decided Tony was better off dead than running his own company and Pepper…

If Vision hadn't said those damned words, Tony was pretty sure he wouldn't be haunted and pushed to this.

Allison had been right in saying she had no experience in working as a personal assistant; she floundered, unsure of what to do or even how to cope with the workload but she never complained – though he could see how much she wanted to at times. He didn't honestly expect her to actually accept the job offer, however much he wanted her to, and now that she did… he didn't really think out the kinks, to be honest.

Tony hated leaving the workshop because he didn't like being out there, with the Avengers, with the world and he felt some sense of guilt for keeping her trapped down here, working in a single small space; Pepper hated being downstairs before and she always would find somewhere else to work, somewhere with lots of light and air and clean. Tony even felt somewhat sheepish at the state of the place but never once did a comment leave Allison's mouth about how much of a mess everything was, at least one that was meant in a way that wasn't sarcastic or intended as a friendly jab; he had forgotten how much of himself he had to hide now that she was around the place all the time and it was… strange. Tony didn't like showing so much of himself and tried to hide away most of the time, stuck beneath a car or working on his suits in hopes that she would just forget he was there and go about her day.

Only she didn't.

There were times when he would hear a click of a heel and in his mind, it was Pepper, Pepper who was reprimanding him about never answering e-mails, Pepper trying to get him to leave the place instead of dying amidst the mess, Pepper smiling at him and laughing at his stupid jokes. But it wasn't Pepper and it felt wrong to lump Allison into the same category as Pepper because she was young and didn't need to carry the baggage Tony held on his shoulders, all too much an Atlas in his mind. She didn't need to have those expectations shoved on to her and tried to be as disconnected as possible because sometimes he forgot Pepper wasn't there and the faint smell of perfume hurt, a deep rooted ache in his chest.

She was young and, oh, how Tony wished to be that young so he wouldn't have to deal with these chasm deep aches burned into his bones, his mind. Though, Tony supposed he wasn't any that better when he was younger, he just ignored his problems by trying to burn them away with drink and sleep and it only ended in a sore, pounding head that was reminiscent of when Howard Stark would knock his fist across Tony's temple when he was younger from crying too much or refusing to be compliant.

Sometimes, the monsters in his nightmares weren't all deformed and screeching, but towering over him and with a belt in one hand, eyes fiery and made from steel.

Tony doesn't mean to be a recluse, to shut himself away from the outside world but sometimes he just can't help it, doesn't want to think of the big blue above him and how it might tear open at any moment, spilling and gushing everywhere and there was so much space around him when he went outside, so much so that it made him feel trapped, that he wouldn't be able to find cover if something did happen. And Tony remembers that damned painting, the great void on the canvas and how its gaping maw was ready to snap him up; he had thought he was over it, but seeing it once more, seeing it in all its darkness and emptiness seemed to suck all the air from him and his hands had been shaking and all he could think of was falling, falling in the darkness and through the stars.

And then there had been a hand on his arm and Tony was pulled from the drowning sea of static that was his thoughts and he saw concerned blue staring at him.

Tony couldn't remember the last time someone had seen him in such a state; Rhodey was always worried and Tony didn't want to worry him more so he hid it, tucked it away and Pepper… Pepper floundered, unsure of what to do and so he hid that away too. He tried to do the same to Allison but he saw the way she pursed her lips and when she went to go, a sudden, overflowing fear flooded his veins at the prospect she might actually leave him in this state. She had tried to be reassuring but, whether she knew it or not, Allison was a terrible liar.

But Tony was grateful. Eternally so because she had pulled him from the prospect of breaking down so quickly and efficiently that he managed to quash it down before it could overtake him.

And it made him even more curious because she knew, knew in a way that Pepper didn't and in a way Rhodey had only seen before and he could feel all those questions grow to an unstable height, a make shift Jenga that was so towering that at any minute it was going to topple because Tony needed to know how she knew, how she managed to pick apart the trembling hands and shaky breathing and know.

He wanted to chalk it up to empathy, or maybe that it was because he was overtly obvious about his anxiety attacks but…

A strange habit of Allison's that Tony couldn't help but notice was how she always ended up tying back her hair; it wouldn't matter if she came to work with it down, within an hour it was tied up and he wanted to ask why she just didn't tie it up straight away in the morning but stopped himself from doing so in case it might sound inappropriate. But it was a small, pattern of a larger practise that Tony began noticing because when two people spent all hours together in one room during the week, you couldn't not pick up on their strange customs. Allison always managed to arrive late within a span of one to two minutes and rarely seemed abashed but it was a game Tony enjoyed, enjoyed waiting around and looking at the time tick away on the watch strapped to his wrist and anticipating for the moment the hands of the small face of the clock would move past the time she should be there. Not that he would ever tell Allison that he actually waited every morning to be able to tell her off for being late, he would never live it down.

And now was no different as Tony sat on his stool, swinging himself back and forth impatiently; last night had been no exception to his restlessness, gathering a total of four and a half hours of sleep throughout the night, tossing and turning and finding the sheets wrapped around him all too like the suffocating blackness that had choked the air from his lungs and he had been in the workshop since before the crack of dawn, trying all he could to keep his mind and body occupied, feeling undoubtedly relieved at the prospect of Allison arriving in a few short hours because he needed distractions, craved and there were times he could see that she had an inkling, would stick to him like a shadow and dogging his heels and he was glad that there was someone else now because at least he could focus on a voice that was different to the ones that were haunting him.

So, he sat, waiting and looking through his phone so as to not seem like he was sitting around actually waiting for Allison when he heard a soft ping of the elevator; moving quickly, Tony turned himself into one of his work tables and picked up the first thing he could find, trying at least appear busy to some extent and maintain an air of nonchalance as he heard footsteps echo throughout. Tony took a quite glance at the time on his phone, surprised at the fact she was actually early as he ignored the rather blank background he had for his lock screen. It used to hold a picture of Pepper but it would hurt too much to look at it so now it held a standard, built in background with curves and hues of blue; quickly, Tony shoved the phone back into his pocket and cleared his throat, fiddling with the small piece between his hands.

"Wow, you're actually early for once – and by fifteen minutes!" Tony called out, keeping eyes focused on what he was pretending to busy with as the footsteps drew closer, placing what was in his hands down onto the top of the table and turning to face Allison. "Would it be too much to – Oh, Rhodey. You're – "

"Not who you were expecting?" It was Rhodey, dressed casual and in civilian clothes, holding a friendly smile on his face as Tony stared, quite shocked to see his friend down here. Rhodey always tried to keep contact with Tony whenever he was abroad on missions but it wasn't unusual if there were times where the two of them could go weeks without talking. But even so, a visit seemed rather out of the blue and Tony felt was surprised to see his friend before him; the last time he had heard from Rhodey had been back in July and even then, it was for a few minutes. But it didn't mean that Tony wasn't delighted to see his best friend, standing to his feet and grinning wildly as he walked over to Rhodey, taking the other man into a brief hug, pulling back with a hand clapped onto Rhodey's shoulder.

"A pleasure to see you too, old friend. No 'how are you, Tony?'" Tony teased as Rhodey gave a roll of the eyes, shaking his head at Tony's baiting.

"How are you, Tony?" Rhodey asked, tone and voice light.

"Could be better, could be worse," Tony replied honestly, glad to finally see his friend after so long without a word and he withdrew his hand from Rhodey's shoulder, crossing his arms over his shoulder and Rhodey cocked an eyebrow at Tony's words, giving a nod and pursing his lips, turning around and looking around the place, taking in how it was much more organised than he had seen it when he had last been down here. The fact it was clean was due to Allison as she was half frightened to trip and break something if there was anything on the ground so she ended up making attempts to clean up what she could. The place was much more easier to walk around but it still couldn't be classified as being completely clean.

Rhodey moved away from Tony, hands stuffed into his pockets and Tony could tell from his friend's stance that it wasn't just a friendly visit, however much he wanted it to be and he shuffled on the spot. However much Tony protested, Rhodey always seemed to be worried for him, as if the next time he would walk down here, he would find Tony lying face first on the floor, unmoving. Rhodey turned to him, giving Tony that look, the one whenever he would catch Tony on the verge of an anxiety attack and Tony bristled beneath it because it made him feel like he was weak, weaker than he was. Stark men were made of steel, his father had told him, but Tony felt brittle, rusted and tried to keep that smile on his face, ignoring how it creaked and ached.

"Well, I've been trying to call you for the past few days and you haven't been answering," Rhodey said, half accusing, half wondering as he stared at Tony with that all too familiar concerned look that was always prominent on Rhodey's face because he knew but only because he had seen it before. Tony gave a half-hearted shrug but tried to appear like he wasn't disconnected, like his only contact to people had been Allison for the past few weeks.

"Sorry, been busy doing things," Tony explained, unrooting his feet from their spot and making his way back to the work table, wanting to find anything to ease the jitteriness that was rushing beneath his skin because he now knew why Rhodey was here; Tony loved Rhodey, he did, but he could take care of himself, he always did. Rhodey gave a hum, drawing Tony's attention to him as his friend crossed his arms over his chest in that same disapproving manner that had been often during their younger years, whenever Rhodey would stumble across Tony's hungover self, lying sprawled in a fancy, king sized bed with a stranger next to him.

"Yes, I've seen."

At that, it was Tony turn to appear inquisitive, facing Rhodey with a curious look on his face but retaining that teasing smirk on his face. "That's quite creepy, can I ask how?"

"That charity art show," Rhodey told him and Tony cursed in the back of his mind but attempted to not let it seep onto his features, simply clicking his tongue and sucking in a sharp breath through his teeth. Rhodey's eyes narrowed on Tony's response and it made the latter worry, wonder if someone had caught onto him nearly having a full on break down before Allison managed to get him out of there. "I didn't know you went to that until I saw it on the headlines."

That did surprise Tony, wondering how on Earth someone managed to even pick up on his presence when he had only been there for a few hours and kept a seemingly low profile. "That's still creepy and something I didn't know. It wasn't anything and you would have hated it."

"You probably hate them more than me," Rhodey chuckled and Tony gave a breathy laugh in agreement.

"You aren't wrong."

There was a pause as the two stared at each other, Tony watching as all traces of joking drained from Rhodey's features and there it was again: that damned concern that seemed to be prevalent in his friend's face. It made Tony itch because it wasn't that he was annoyed at Rhodey for being concerned (Rhodey had more than enough reasons to be so) but it made him feel as if that he was always doing something wrong, that he was still that twenty-something year old who was always too busy drinking and partying to do anything with his life. Rhodey gave a cough, his stance straight from all the years of having it drilled into him. Tony slumped against the lip of the table, hands curled into fists at the bottom of his pockets as Rhodey spoke, voice soft and low. "The team's been missing you, you know. They've gone a couple of missions without you."

"I'm sure they'll survive," Tony brushed off, trying to not let the sheer discomfort he felt appear on his face because he didn't want Rhodey to think he was coward, to know he hated the colour red and that he still couldn't sleep at night because of it, because of the void that had swallowed him whole. Tony bit his tongue to stop those words from falling loose and gave a strained smile. "Rogers was always a better leader than I was a follower."

"You haven't had time for missions, but you've had time for art shows?" Rhodey asked, eyeing Tony as he gave a scoff, shaking his head and trying to appear light, as if he wasn't so bogged down by the nightmares he had to wade through every night. Rhodey was a soldier, he would have understood, but Tony wasn't a soldier, he was just… him.

"Charity art shows," Tony clarified. "You know, the one where you buy stuff so they can build hospital for children."

"Since when do you do charity shows?"

"Since I got a personal assistant," Tony said without a moment's hesitation and Rhodey blinked in surprise, as if the words that Tony said being the last thing he would have expected. There was a brief silence, Rhodey trying to gather his thoughts after all other ways this conversation could have gone went out the window. It wasn't that big of deal – before Pepper, Tony used to go through assistants faster than he could drink; though, he supposed to the only surprise was that Tony had one after going nearly five years without having one employed.

"And for how long has that been thing?" Rhodey asked, genuinely curious and that look of concern was no longer on his face, his stiff and straight stance melting into something more comfortable, like when he was less Colonel James Rhodes and when he was Rhodey, just Rhodey and Tony's friend.

"Oh, for about…" Tony drifted, screwing his face up and trying to recount the days in his mind. It didn't feel as if Allison had been here long but he knew it was his exhausted brain playing tricks on him, trying to quickly count the days and weeks in his mind before coming to a reasonable answer in his head that seemed to fit the timeline. "A month and a half."

"What made you decide to get one?" Rhodey further inquired and Tony squirmed, unsure of the answer himself because he didn't really decide so as much as jumping on the idea as soon as it popped into his head at last minute. Not that he wanted Rhodey to know that, of course; Tony was already thought of as being too impulsive already and he wanted to at least have some appearance of being a responsible adult.

Tony shifted, shuffled and dropped his gaze to his shoes and scrambled his brain for a half truth because he felt bad about lying to Rhodey, hating doing so because Rhodey was the only person in the world he could fully trust at the moment; Tony gave a limp lift of the shoulders, settling for a sad, unhappy half lie that he knew would once more garner Rhodey's concern for him yet again. He wished Allison were here so he would have some form of a distraction, so that he wouldn't have to have Rhodey's eyes staring at him with that look again, the one that he knew and despised because Tony was a Stark man and Stark men were made of steel. "Just… About time I get myself together, y'know?"

Rhodey's face dropped in understanding and Tony's stomach tightened itself into knots, nooses for him to choke on. "You haven't heard from Pepper?"

"No. It's not as if she has time, anyway. She's a CEO, she runs a company and has a lot for doing," Tony quickly rushed, not wanting to linger on the subject, on the woman because it hurt and he didn't need to remember how blank the screen of his phone was now. Tony looked up and there it was, the gut twisting look on Rhodey's face; before Tony could stop himself, a sigh left him, words snapping. "Don't do that."

"Don't do what?" Rhodey asked, the sharpness of Tony's words bouncing off of him because he had put up with worse, had been through worse with Tony.

"That look."

"What look?"

"That sad, pitying look, Rhodey," Tony explained, exasperated and trying to ignore the dull aches of pain that flooded through him as his nails bit into the palm of his hand, scarlet half-moons.

"I don't have a sad pitying look," Rhodey defended but Tony merely scoffed, shaking his head.

"You do and you're looking at me with it."

Rhodey didn't retort, staring at Tony and taking in the sight of him, in all his messy and ruffled glory of knotted curls on his head and oil stained jeans, to the splashes of violet that stained the skin beneath Tony's drooping eyes. He really, really, really wished Allison would show up to drag him from this mess of a friendly visit. "When was the last time you slept more than six hours, Tony?"

"Listen, I'm fine," Tony sighed, trying to ignore the biting tone in his voice and hoping Rhodey would do the same. "I have everything under – "

Tony could once more hear the soft ping of the elevator arriving to this level and relief flooded through him, making a mental note to do whatever Allison asked of him for the next week as a way of thanks for finally appearing and stopping this conversation from going places he didn't want it to. He could hear her fumbling footsteps, Rhodey turning to face away from Tony as the echo of her somewhat breathless voice rang through, the jingle of keys jangling.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry! I know I'm late by three minutes but there was a big line at the coffee shop and someone was in front of me and they couldn't decide on their order and – " Allison made her way into the workshop, powering through her excuse without taking a moment to stop and take a breath, or even take sight of the other person in the room before she started speaking. Her cheeks were flushed, spotted and blotched with the tip of her nose gleaming a soft, gentle hue of red, her glasses hanging on the front of her shirt as she stopped in her footsteps, mouth clamping shut instantly as her blue eyes took in the fact there was an extra person in the room.

Tony would have hugged her right then and there for timing her entrance so perfectly and he gave a grin, pushing himself from the edge of the table to draw close to Rhodey and motioning her forward, ignoring the confused yet wide eyed look she gave him, as if looking for an explanation Tony wouldn't give. Tony wrapped an arm around the back of Rhodey's shoulders, the latter staring at Allison sharply and almost scrutinising her appearance.

"Allison, good for you to join us," Tony exclaimed, watching as Allison moved closer to the two older men, once more flashing Tony a look he knew to be a warning one as she turned pinker, reaching up to brush aside the soft curls of her hair behind her ear, embarrassed of having been sprung with a friend of Tony's without any notice. Allison gave a cough and straightened her back, trying to appear less flustered than she was.

"Oh. I, uh, I didn't know there… was going to be people – I mean, a visitor," Allison said, making Tony bite the inside of his cheek in order to stop his grin from getting any bigger. Rhodey was still silent, peering down at Allison and unmoving beneath Tony's arm that was slung around him.

"Visitors are people, too."

"That's not what I meant," Allison told him, face scrunching up and crinkles appearing along her nose at her doing so but hastily wiping away the friendly, sharp tone in her voice so as to appear professional in front of Rhodey. Before, when Tony had called her cute for standing on a box in order to help him fix his suit, he hadn't been lying.

"Allison, this is Colonel James Rhodes," Tony introduced, turning to the rather serious looking Rhodey and taking his arm back and gesturing to each at their names, standing between them. "Rhodey, this is Allison Lawrence, my assistant."

For a brief second, Tony thought Rhodey meant to appear as stony as he was then, tight lipped and expressionless but then, his friend gave a small smile, reaching forward to extend his hand in order to initiate a handshake to Allison, who appeared more than relieved at the friendly gesture, giving Rhodey a sweet, soft smile and taking his hand in hers. "It's nice to meet you."

"It's good to meet you, too, Mr. Colonel," Allison replied before her eyes bugged, nearly popping from her skull and a bark of laughter left Tony before he bit his tongue, watching as Allison took her hand back and began to turn even redder, eyes shutting themselves and sucking in a deep breath through her nose but her positively, burning face gave away whatever air of calmness she was trying to keep. Oh, this was brilliant, and Tony would never let her forget it. He could practically hear her wishing for the ground to swallow her whole as Rhodey gave an amused huff of air, the two breaking apart their handshake before Allison opened her eyes. " I mean, Colonel Rhodes – not Mister… oh, God."

Allison reached up to bury her hands into her face and Tony wasn't even bothering to hide his grin anymore, standing beside Allison and beaming at Rhodey who didn't appear half as amused as Tony was, eyes darting from Allison to Tony and back again, all the while Allison groaned into the palms of her hands. Tony felt like this day couldn't get any better. "It's good to see you too, Mr. Colonel. I did enjoy your visit, Mr. Colonel."

Allison looked up from her hands, tossing him a pleading look with scarlet cheeks. From the look on her face, he might have been inclined to not tease, but she made it far too easy. "Mr. Stark…"

"Just, a moment, Allison, I need a moment to talk with Mr. Colonel," Tony cut her off and Allison went back into burying her face into her hands for another brief moment before standing straight and tossing him a rather weak glare, as if trying to appear intimidating but glad for the excuse to leave and stew in her own self induced embarrassment.

"You're the worst," she whined and Tony gave a sigh, placing a hand over his heart.

"Such sweet words, we mustn't talk like this in front of Mr. Colonel," Tony teased but it did little to draw Allison from her shame, staring at Tony with a dead pan expression and not bothering even to reply before she turned to Rhodey, who had been watching the two silently and Tony could sense that there was something rather… off about his friend, though what it was, Tony didn't know. Nor did he feel like he wanted to find out. Allison gave Rhodey another soft smile, giving a small wave of the hand.

"It was good to meet you, Colonel Rhodes," Allison said, not at all as harsh as she would be towards Tony. "I'm… I'm going to just go over there."

Allison turned to go but gave Tony a sharp, half-hearted glare that Tony smiled back at, watching her go with storm clouds rolling over head. Tony turned back to Rhodey, feeling in a much happier mood than he was before she came. "That was brilliant."

"Tony."

"Oh, come on, it's just a bit of teasing," Tony said, waving Rhodey's words away. "I mean, I'm still I'm never going to let her live this down."

"Tony," Rhodey bit, the sharpness in his tone making Tony turn to face him, all traces of joking and teasing leaving him as he stared at his friend, taking in the sight of the very disapproving that was carved into Rhodey's features. Tony felt his eyebrows knit together as Rhodey opened his mouth, before deciding against what he was going to say and taking Tony by the arm, drawing him further into the workshop so as to not have their voices echo back into Allison's ears. Tony watched as Rhodey stared at him with those eyes, those same judgemental eyes that had been all too prevalent all those years ago before Tony got his shit together. "You can't be serious."

"What?" Tony defended, tearing his arm from Rhodey's grip and not liking how his friend's sudden turn in mood was rubbing off of him. He knew Rhodey had his best interests at heart but sometimes, times like these, that it made him wonder if their definition of best interests were far too different.

"She's…" Rhodey began, struggling to form what he wanted to say into proper sentences, tossing a glance back over their shoulders to where Allison would be but unseen because of where they were. Rhodey turned back to Tony, drawing close and dropping his tone. "Shit, Tony, what were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that maybe it was about time I got my life together and a personal assistant was a good way to help me organise myself?" Tony scoffed, trying to not become even more irritated as he had an inkling of the insinuation that was lingering beneath Rhodey's words, but desperately hoping that it wasn't what he thought it was and that it was just his mind leading him to bad places again because Rhodey wouldn't do that, wouldn't think so little of him. At least, he hoped.

"Really?" Rhodey hissed. "That's why you hired her?"

Tony's eyes narrowed and he placed some distance between himself and Rhodey, staring at his friend, sapped of all mischievousness that had been present throughout their previous conversations; Rhodey returned the stare but he was waiting for something, waiting for Tony's answer to his vague question. Tony's tongue was glued to the roof of his mouth and he unpeeled it, arms wrapping around his chest in a defensive stance and trying not to seem as hurt as he felt. Anyone else, and Tony would have thrown them out but it was Rhodey, his best friend, the only person he trusted with every inch of his body, Rhodey who was always there by Tony's side every step of the way. Tony tried to not get all defensive so quickly and attempted to keep a calm mind, to not rush into anger. "You know, Rhodey, being coy isn't helping anyone. What are you trying to say?"

There was a pause and Rhodey straightened himself, once more a soldier.

"She's young."

"So were we all. That's what time does," Tony shot back but the reply did little to lighten Rhodey's mood. If anything, it seemed to worsen it.

"Can I ask if you hired her because she's young and pretty or because of her abilities as an actual assistant?"

Ah.

There it was, the million dollar question.

Through the hurt Tony felt from the fact that Rhodey would instantly jump to that conclusion over all the others, he tried to remember that the conclusion was drawn from past experiences even if they were irrelevant to the man Tony was today. Tony stared, trying to find the right words to say, the words that wouldn't end up in an argument between the two; he knew, knew the Rhodey was basing this assumption due to the fact it was what the old Tony would do – the old Tony, as if there was a new and better version of himself in existence. Tony chewed the inside of his cheek, fists clenched beneath his arms that were around his chest and his expression was hard, stone and acting as a barrier to his thoughts.

There was no answer to Rhodey's question because, truth be told, Tony didn't know why he hired Allison, even if her being pretty wasn't the answer. He could have had anyone in the world work for him that was better than her but he… he hadn't picked anyone else and it had been a spur of the moment because it was curiosity – you are not a creature of isolation, Tony. Had he been more sappy, he would have said the two of them were rather the same in some aspects but that wasn't wholly the truth; in the end, Tony was rather impressed with her skills and thought to see if she could push the limitations she had set for herself. It had been curiosity, boredom, impulsiveness – you are not a creature of isolation.

But Tony couldn't tell Rhodey because if Rhodey knew what Allison had done he would be furious, angry at Tony being so reckless in giving the person who managed to breach the Avengers' security a job. But it had been Tony's inquisitiveness that had been the driving force – you are not a creature of isolation. Tony took a breath and pushed all thoughts of loneliness and isolation from his mind.

"You really think I'm that shallow? Shit, Rhodes, is that how little you think of me?" Was all Tony could reply with, an answer that was vague, not really giving Rhodey what he wanted but it was enough as Rhodey's face fell, dropping at Tony's hurt tone and reeling back. If only he knew, if only Rhodey knew that Tony was not, in fact, a creature of isolation and all he did, he did for the intense need of attention, of being wanted. In the back of his mind, he could hear the echo of Howard Stark's venom coated words that left more scars than his beatings.

"Tony, no," Rhodey tried to explain, sighing and exasperated. "I'm just… I'm just saying that in the past – "

"That's in the past. Rhodey, it isn't like that. She's a good worker and a good person," Tony justified, not quite feeling as if he was lying, yet he wasn't telling the truth at the same time. He hated the words that were scratched into the back of his mind by Vision and tried to ignore how they bled on the walls of his skull, seeping into his thoughts and controlling him. Tony relaxed his fists and ignored how stiff his fingers were, stretching them before stuffing them into his pockets, as he was prone to do when unsure of what to do with his hands. "I'm not some middle aged man who creeps on young women, at least I hope I'm not. I just… I wanted to get my shit together."

Tony held his voice back from saying any more, almost disgusted at the pathetic, half attempt he made at trying to defend his actions but Rhodey nodded, seemingly satisfied with Tony's answer and giving a deep exhale, lips quirking before he clapped a hand on Tony's shoulder.

"Alright. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to insinuate anything," Rhodey apologised, the relief overflowing in Tony as he released the breath that had been building up in his chest. Rhodey began to move, steering Tony with him as the two of them began to walk out. It was a shame that his friend took this all as a sign to leave because Tony missed Rhodey, missed one of the very few people in the world he actually cared about. "I just wanted to drop by to see if you were alright."

"Always am," was Tony's tight lipped replied as they moved through the place, reaching up to pat Rhodey's hand that was resting on his shoulder. "It was good to see you."

"The team miss you, you know," Rhodey told him in a hushed tone. "You should think about actually talking to them every once in a while, instead of locking yourself down here."

"I'll think about it," Tony lied, knowing full well he wouldn't and Rhodey seemed to sense it too, tossing Tony a sad curve of the lips before squeezing his shoulder once more, letting his hand drop as they paused in the middle of their walk, Rhodey turning to face Allison who was currently engrossed in the screen of her laptop to have paid attention to the words passed between the two friends.

"It was nice to meet you, Allison," Rhodey said, voice much friendlier than it had been before and Allison's eyes darted from the screen of the device, blinking and no longer pink in the face and Tony smiled to himself, glad that this hadn't broken down into an argument as it could have done.

"Oh!" Allison exclaimed, a grin splitting across her face as she stood quickly to her face, eager to please and her over excitement made the curve on Tony's mouth grow wider. "You too, Colonel."

"I'll see you around, yeah?" Rhodey said to Tony, throwing a wave once more as he walked towards the elevator, calling on it as Tony gave a wave of the hand.

"Hopefully," he replied. "Bye, Rhodey."

Stepping in to the elevator, Rhodey once more passed a look between Tony and Allison, one Tony didn't quite like, as Tony sidled up to her desk before the doors closed Tony was met with clean metal, his warped reflection thrown back at him as it whirred to life. There was a moments silence, neither of the two remaining occupants moving before Tony slowly turned to face Allison, a grin slowly creeping onto his face as she refused to look at him, electing to instead stare at the closed doors of the elevator.

Without looking, Allison held up a finger, taking a breath and once more taking her seat before meeting Tony's gleaming eyes with her own pleading ones. "Don't."

"Mr. Colonel."

Allison gave a groan at Tony's words, once more burying her face into her hands and placed them onto the table, trying to hide away from Tony's shit-eating grin, her hair falling all around her in a halo of soft, brown waves and Tony leant against the edge of her desk, cheeks hurting from how much he was grinning.

"I said don't," Allison whined into her hands, voice muffled but still audible.

"I am never letting this go."

"I'm going to die," she all but cried, fingers making their way up to knot into her hair, ears burning as she curled in on herself, just about resting on the lip of the cool top of the desk. Oh, to be young again and to have this be the biggest problem in life. "I'm going to die of the shame."

"There, there, it's alright," Tony sniggered, his hand reaching forward to give a consoling pat on the shoulder but his arm screeched to a halt, his own voice echoing in his head and preventing him from doing so. I'm not some middle aged man who creeps on young women, he had said to Rhodey and it pulled at his arm, making Tony draw it back in awkwardness, glad that Allison was currently too distraught to notice it. His hand wavered, hovering for a moment in between before Tony drew it back, all too aware of their familiarity and he slipped off from the edge of the table, trying to maintain some space because his own words were suddenly too loud in his head. Tony cleared his throat and tried to regain some of his previous joking tone. "I'll pay for the funeral expenses."

Allison lifted her head, pouting and adopting a faux pout on her lips. Her hair was half a mess around her, flyaway strands caught in her eyelashes, on her cheek and rushed across her forehead. The pink in her cheeks was receding but lingered, spotted and splashed. She was staring at him with those big, blue eyes that were rounded with a soft, brown eyeshadow and Allison slumped in her chair, arms over her chest and the action pulled a genuine smile from Tony. "You're mean."

"It's a gift," Tony sighed, standing straight and stretching his arms over his head to dash away all the stiffness in his bones.

Allison quickly turned to her laptop screen once more, giving a scoff. "It feels like a curse."

"The best things usually are," Tony said with a wink that went unnoticed as she continued to look to her laptop and he turned to leave, hoping to find more distractions before her voice called both him and his attention back.

"Oh, by the way, here."

Tony circled and found Allison holding out a take away cup in her hand, the steam of the drink swirling up through the small mouth piece on the lid and Tony stared, confused and unsure but moving back once more to take it; her arm was outstretched and Tony felt unsure, eyes darting from the plain, white cup clutched in her hand as he, slowly but surely, extended an arm and his fingers wrapped around Allison's, the burn of the plastic being something he barely felt as she slipped her hand from underneath his slowly so as to make sure that neither of them dropped it and let it spill all over the floor.

"What's this?" Tony asked, staring at it as Allison sat right in her seat again, eyes glancing over to the younger woman who was already looking at him, brow raised.

"It's… a drink."

"I can see that," Tony retorted, bringing it to beneath his nose to catch a scent and was met with the bitter smell of coffee. His nose burned from the heat of the drink and he pulled away once more, hearing Allison give a short, small bout of laughter.

"Then why did you ask?" she teased and Tony gave a shrug, finding himself able to lean against her table once more without feeling weird because he shouldn't have to feel weird before, even though he did and it felt weird to feel weird. Tony shook his head, shoving his thoughts aside and once more bringing the drink close to his mouth.

"I was curious about the contents in case it might be poison," he said nonchalantly and Allison gave a snort, rolling her eyes at his words.

"Yes, here's your steaming, morning cup of bleach," she joked before standing slightly and Tony watched her as she reached across the space between them, eyes glued to her hand as she extended a finger to tap against the lid of the cup that was close to his mouth at that moment, feeling cross eyed as she did so but unable to look away before she withdrew, unaware of her actions. No need to feel so weird, Tony told himself, swallowing roughly as Allison rested in her seat once more, smiling brightly. "It's coffee, Mr. Stark, the good kind. I mean store bought is fine, sure, but that right there – that's the best."

"I thought you said you don't like coffee."

"I don't but I worked in a Starbucks for five years, I know what's good and what isn't."

"So you got me coffee to make up for being late?"

"No, I got you coffee and it's because of it that I was late," Allison explained casually, as if it were nothing to be so caught up on. "See, I was ordering my own drink and I thought 'Hey, you know who really loves coffee? Mr. Stark' and I bought it because I know you hadn't had your morning drink and it'll last longer than in a cup because of the cover."

That took Tony by surprise and for a moment, he was stunned speechless, looking at Allison and trying to find the proper words to respond with; normally, a thank you would have been the words a person would say in this situation but at that minute, Tony couldn't find himself to do anything but stare because it was such a normal, mundane act that she had done for him yet…

The fact she had so suddenly thought of him, had done something so simple with him in mind seemed to throw Tony back more than anything; he couldn't remember the last time someone ever bought him coffee with their own money, had done it simply because they wanted to and not because he had asked him too. To say he was tongue-tied would be an apt description to describe how he felt at that moment as he withdrew the cup from his mouth. Allison remained almost unaware, ignorant and Tony floundered for a brief second before his grip on the cup tightened, half worried it might burst from how tightly he was holding it because he needed to release the weirdness as he gave a teasing grin.

"Aw, you were thinking of me. That's sweet."

Allison gave another roll of her eyes but he could see the pink in her cheeks, staining, like rose petals blooming and she shook her head, looking away from his gaze and dropping her voice. "Just drink your coffee, Mr. Stark."

And Tony did drink it, taking sips of it throughout the day even when it went cold and making it last as long as possible because it really was the best coffee he had ever tasted, but for reasons he didn't want to quite fathom.


Hello, hello! Just before I get into my A/N i'd like to answer a few of your reviews!


Chancellor S: thank you! if you're interested in more of my writing, i have an account on AO3 beneath the pseudonym 'rad_sad' and i actually have an ongoing series about peter and tony's father-son relationship as well as some other works. With regards to this story, i was intending this to be around the 40/45 chapter mark but, uh, it seems it's going to be a LOT longer. Maybe 55/60? I have 3 epilogues in mind as well so i think that this story might reach a rather long length. but i hope you continue to support and enjoy this fic as much as you have already!

nerdalertwarning: oh my gosh thank you! i really love writing about a tony who suffers from PTSD and anxiety because that's a tony i hold close to my heart. and i love getting into the inner workings of his mind and i thoroughly enjoyed writing this chapter! i hope i managed to do him justice with this chapter but i'm still unsure. i hope you enjoy this chapter as you did the past ones!

Lucy Strike's alter ego: you don't understand how much it meant to me to wake up and read this lovely, lovely, LOVELY review on my story; i was so astounded by your comment i have to admit i got a bit teary eyed because i never imagined i could receive such support for my fic. i dont even know how to form a proper response to your beautiful words other than: thank you, thank you so much for reading and for supporting my fic! it really really means a lot to me!

BeccaSco: thank you! tbh i wasn't either but honestly, when you sit next to tony stark how else are you supposed to feel? he's literally the most handsome man in the entire world - no the entire GALAXY. like, honestly allie, mood.

pinkeye: oh my gosh, congratulations on your engagement! i really wish you and your fianceé a lifetime of happiness and i only hope that allie and tony find happiness like yours! though we'll have to see... thank you so much for supporting this fic and i hope you enjoyed this chapter just as much!

intata: im trying to actually form a proper response other than fhadlkfhajlfjalkfhkalhfkal to your comment but i think that aptly fits how i felt when i was on my break at work and i tried not to break down into happy squeals at reading your comment. like im actually trying to think because my mind just can't form proper thoughts at your kind words. i have thought about writing a novel before but i've always felt rather insecure about my writing and that it doesn't match up to a level that published authors have and i hoped to do creative writing in college but i missed the points needed entry by a single point. i love love LOVE breaking a character down on in the inside out and to fully display them to the reader but still retain some mystery because there's nothing more shocking than thinking you know someone only for them to reveal a part of themselves you never thought possible. i really prefer making the characters, rather than the events around them, more interesting so im glad that people were able to enjoy this fic with the characters and their thoughts and feelings alone rather than having rampant, fast action (that's for much later and believe me, there's a LOT of stuff happening later like you wouldn't believe.) thank you so so so much for enjoying my fic and leaving such a long and brilliant comment because i LOVE reading the thoughts of my readers more than anything. thank you for loving and supporting this fic and i hope you enjoy this chapter as you did the rest of the story!

guest: thank you! i've always been a bit picky with fics and i've never liked fics that reduce tony to this narcissistic jerk rather than this troubled man who lives with an insane guilt complex and PTSD. i tend to stay away from avenger centric fics as ive always loved reading about tony as a full fleshed out character rather than just reading the surface. with allison, a single character, i'm able to actually write what i want to read: a look into tony but remaining an outsider, having to pick up on pieces of his personality that are sometimes forgotten. it's purely a preference and i write tony in the way i would love to read as a reader. thank you so much for reading and leaving a review!

Guest: thank you so so so much! im so glad that you've immensely enjoyed this story so far and i hope that this chapter isn't any different to the previous ones! it was such a blast writing from tony's pov and i didn't intend for this entire chapter to be from his pov but it just... happened. and i love it! thank you so much for commenting and reading!

eden: thank you! there's a lot going on in allie's own personal story with some links to the larger MCU that might be a bit shocking to people but she still remains her own person with her own storyline rather than just a tacked on OC i've forced in for romance and friendship. thank you so much for reading and i hope you enjoy this change of pov chapter!

Princess Magic: thank you! ahh allison is such a mood because i could be writing her noticing how attractive tony is and i'd be nodding along thinking "wow what a big mood" as im doing so because honestly? BIGGEST FATTEST MOOD EVER. i'm so glad that you're continuing to enjoy and support this fic as always! it really means a lot to me to have such a dedicated group of readers who never hesitate to send their feedback and thoughts to me!


I had such a blast writing this from tony's pov and i didn't want it to end but, i know it must. i have to admit it was kind of strange writing about allie... but not writing from her pov. plus we got an appearance from one of the avengers! poor rhodey, he's always so concerned about tony. it's a busy job being tony's best friend but no one else could do it better than rhodey. a lot of characters are mentioned in this fic and this small world doesn't seem so small anymore; who knows, the rest might even make an appearance at some time later on in this.

Also, i really want to stress that this is from Tony's POV and a lot of the comments regarding Wanda don't reflect the author's opinion - i mean, i don't actually like wanda for a lot of reasons but this is NOT a wanda bashing fic (or any kind of bashing fic for any character), but she has done some questionable things to tony that have a lasting effect on him. tony is a man suffering from PTSD and anxiety and what wanda did during AOU did not help, imo, tony's state of mind and his mental illness.

anyway, enough of that. is anyone here a fan of the group BTS? they released their new album and i am so IN LOVE with it. I've loved all the 'Love Yourself' albums but i think this might be a favourite.

Oh! and my application for a deferral was accepted! so i'm officially taking the year off! i'm so excited to dedicate myself to writing and to my stories!

Also! thank you so much for 100 favourites and nearly 200 follows!

Thanks for reading!