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Chapter Seventeen.

It's midnight when Tony begins to feel tired, slumping back into his seat, ignoring how his back ached from being hunched over with his hands wiping themselves on a rag that hung from the front pocket of his jeans; it's silent, he hadn't even realised his music was no longer playing and he wondered how long he had sat there, fixing, tinkering, upgrading as always to make his best work better but never seemed to be satisfied with the end result and he would wash, rinse and repeat the cycle the next day and the next and the next.

Tony sat up, back stiff and straight and cracking as he did so and stretching his poor, overworked fingers in front of him, feeling as if what he needed most was a long, overdue three day nap. He was alone, as always, but it seemed more harrowing in the middle of the night, to know it was only his own, lonely soul down here and there was far too much empty space for his liking; Tony knew he could call out to F.R.I.D.A.Y and she would answer, always in that soft Irish lilt of hers, but it would not be the same, not the one he wants to hear.

It was getting colder outside, and Tony could only see the faint dim of light pollution through the thick darkness that the outside world was steeped in; he had forgotten how quick time went by, it would almost be Christmas again and the thought of the holiday filled Tony's stomach with dread, heavy sludge pooling in the bottom and threatening to drown him. He knew these times were supposed to be the happiest times of the year and he knew he held the title of Grinch from how he turned his nose up at it entirely, jaw clenching as he leaned back into his chair, peering out the window from where he sat and trying desperately to draw a blank on his mind as he tried not to think about his last Christmas.

It had been taut, tense and there was something underlying that was bubbling under the surface as he and Pepper had spent their nights inside, skirting around the elephant in the room as they tried to pretend it was all okay; if he pretended enough, it would come true eventually and if it was broken, then he could fix it because fixing was what Tony was best at. Maybe it was the only thing he was good at. But then he and Pepper fought over the decorations and the wreath that hung over the marble fireplace that Pepper had insisted on putting in ended up falling into the fire and the emergency sprinkles ended up ruining dinner and everything else. But even the water could not cool them down; he had gotten mad at Pepper for trying to overdo the entire place with tacky decorations and she had doubled down on her own anger at him being bitter and uncooperative; eventually she had stormed off to the spare bedroom and didn't talk to him the entire night.

The bottle of wine that had been resting in the ice bucket was calling to him and Tony plugged his ears, slinking off to their shared master bedroom that seemed so empty then, curling up on the floor at the foot of the bed with his fingers in his hair as he wondered how he had let things get this bad.

Tony hadn't been back home in over six months and he was sure that there would be a fine layer of dust resting over the place should he ever brave to go into it. It had been their place; he wondered if Pepper had taken all her stuff or if they were still there to haunt him, the smell of her perfume still caught in the material of her clothes. When she had told him she needed time, Tony hadn't gone back once to their place after the talk. Maybe she was still living there, for all he knew.

It had been so long since he had even heard Pepper's voice, the thought of her alone sent his stomach into a turn that left him unable to breathe and he actively tried not to think of her.

And he had been doing so well, too.

It was F.R.I.D.A.Y who had told him, having done so on his orders that anything pertaining to Pepper be brought to him and he had forgotten that entirely, had nearly pushed her existence from haunting his mind and he was at an impasse; to go, or not to go, that was the question. A board meeting of directors and normally he was excusable from such droll assemblies and even more so when he forfeited his seat as CEO of Stark Industries, but of course they were in desperate need of his presence for some boring, most likely unimportant thing that they only wanted to drag him into because they wanted to have the chance to rear heads and exchange insults at one another over some, useless decision regarding the company. Tony had long since lost interest in the democracy of business and was glad for leaving it, yet here they were trying to drag him back in at any chance they could.

Only this time, it was Pepper who requested his presence.

It was a cold e-mail, clean and so precise it almost cut through him.

The thought of being trapped with Pepper in a room had made his palms begin to slick up, clammy and shaky as he read her words on the screen, elbow on his knee and hand pressed to his mouth as his leg bounced to try and use up the anxious energy that brimming within Tony; he couldn't tell if he was excited or dreading meeting her. He could imagine her eyes being cold, not Pepper Potts but CEO of Stark Industries and she was there for business, not pleasure, and, God, how could he stand it? He had been so focused on not thinking about her that he forgot that she was a real being whom he was inexplicitly tied to in more ways than one and had been for the better part of over a decade.

He hadn't replied to her, and he knew she wouldn't expect him to, but the temptation was there, just even to see if she would respond to him; but Tony stilled his hand, trying to stem the unease that was burning a course through his veins to his heart, eating it up alive and sending it into a panic in his chest. He had pretended to debate over going or not, but Tony knew that he would, how could he not? It had been so long since he had seen her in person and this was the first time she had even tried to talk to him; he wanted to know if she was alright, how she was doing, did she still wake up at the crack of dawn to do her yoga or had that just been something she had done only with him to give him some semblance of routine and normality after the disaster that was Sokovia?

He put a lot of care and effort into looking good, to look as if he had his shit together and wasn't a recluse, hidden away in the Compound tinkering away at his suits that he thought he had given up on but they felt like the only thing he could control about himself after Sokovia fell from the sky; he needed to be another Tony, a different one to who he had become after rotting away in his hole and as he fiddled with the cuffs of his suit, he could feel himself slipping into that role as easily as he had into his own clothes. He could pretend that his anxiety wasn't consuming him whole, he could pretend that he was able to sleep at night and he could pretend that he wasn't lonely because he was the Tony Stark, and he always would be under that suit of metal.

The anxiety had been winding its way around his heart, a heavy pressure on his chest and flattening his lungs but Tony tried to stem the feeling, pushing it away from his attention as he fiddled with the watch on his wrist, the ticking hand out of synch; right up until the moment he went through the glass pane door into the vast open room with pale, cold rays of sunlight bleeding through the windows where dozens of pairs of eyes landed on him, he thought his heart would have exploded. He didn't look for her, not at first with his eyes shielded behind the dark tint of his glasses as Happy moved in behind him, his hand brushing Tony's shoulder briefly as if in comfort.

Whatever these old, money hungry men and women had been discussing had lulled off into a stunned silence at Tony's presence and he couldn't help but smirk at how he was able to stun them into submission, hands in his pockets and keeping his gait light as he spotted an empty near the top of the tables, working his way around as gazes followed him. He was glad his hands were in his pockets as he purposely avoided the one pair of eyes that were stuck to him because he could feel his fists rattle slightly in the enclosed silk; he reached his chair, pulling it out slowly and taking his time as he sat down, repositioning his weight until he was comfortable and took the time to take in the room, at the people who seemed as equally annoyed at his presence as those who seemed shocked.

Then, he found a pair of blue eyes.

He had thought of this moment so many times before in the last few months, of seeing Pepper again, of wondering how she was, what she was doing with all her free time now that she didn't have to compartmentalise her life around him and worry about him having another breakdown. Did she think about him all the time, too? Did she sometimes have the urge to call his number at night or text him about how much she missed him so badly it felt like there was a crushing weight holding her down? Sometimes, when he thought about it too much, he would work himself up and find his ability to breathe worsen, as if he were so close to falling off the edge and would only end up pushing himself over into the void beneath. But still he would think about her all the time it felt like his brain was going to explode over too many thoughts of Pepper Potts.

He met her eyes and there was a calmness in his chest.

A breath crawled into Tony's lungs and he felt the shaking of his hands ease as he held her gaze, his own hidden behind his glasses but he could see hers clearly; always so professional, but there was something tugging at the edges of her features, her red lips pressed into a straight line and she was stiff backed, eyes taking him in just as he was doing the same to her; her suit was a dirty beige colour, her hair pulled up high on top of her head but catching around her shoulders and her nails were glossed, no longer chipped as they had been from her time biting away at them in concern when she would catch Tony in one of his 'moods'. She seemed well, healthy, looking as if she never lost a wink of sleep in her life, though Tony knew she could run on four hours of sleep if need be since she would spend her time pouring over documents and statements and everything else that bored Tony to death.

He held the stare for a moment, and then Pepper looked away, eyebrows furrowing and then it was over. Everything he had built up in his head over these past few months had been mountains he had built out of molehills and his mind was scattered for a brief moment; had he been working himself up over nothing, his own thoughts being his own worse enemy? Whatever unease he had been feeling dripped away as he remembered where he was and why he was there, turning back to the quiet room with that nonchalant air he had perfected long since then.

"Oh, don't stop on my account," Tony grinned, leaning back into his chair in a slump, elbow on the arm rest and resting his cheek on his knuckles, amused at the sight of how they shifted in their chairs and took a great deal of interest in wringing their hands on the table in front of them. It was good to know he still had this affect on people. He waved his other hand out in wrong of him with a dismissive flourish. "By all means, please continue."

For a moment, no one spoke as if thinking he wasn't being serious, the silence idling until one brave soul cleared her throat and continued to speak and the voices picked up again, fighting over investments and whatever the sorts; Tony didn't even bother paying attention to the topic at hand since technically it wasn't his job to care anymore and even when it was, he still didn't bother then. He crossed his legs, ankle resting atop of his knee as he did his best to outwardly appear as if he were paying attention while his mind retreated in on itself; God, how many years did he used to waste in rooms like these with people like these who would tear at each other's throats if they had the chance? Ironically, he never cared for the business side of his business, and only made an effort when he could hear the echo of his father's voice in his ear, of Howard Stark and his precious Stark Industries that he coddled more than his own son.

How long would he have to be here? These types of meetings would drag on for hours with how much disagreeing there would be, and Tony could feel whatever energy he had managed to pull together to appear put together was quickly dissipating; he spun his chair into the table, side slumped as he took to drumming his fingers on the wooden top, eyes taking note of the wooden knots glistening beneath the laminated cover and, God, he was more interested in a table than what was happening around him. These people weren't even attempting to appear as sheepish as they had been when Tony had first entered the room and their loud voices were wringing in his ears, an ache nestling into his temples as he smothered the sigh building within him. What he would do to be anywhere but here, trapped in these glass walls and the feeling the flickering eyes of Pepper and squirming.

And in his ear, he could hear that soft voice with an Irish lilt chiding him, and he could see a clear image of Allie, hands on her hips and shaking her head disapprovingly at his bored behaviour, the thought alone tugging at his lips.

He had felt bad at dragging her here, could see the worry on her face even as she pursed her lips to keep herself quiet and from asking questions while casting him concerned side glances but deciding not to poke and prod at him to find out what had him so worked up; Allie was always like that, wanting and waiting for him to talk to her without having to force him to talk even though it wasn't her job, she didn't have to worry about him like this – but she always did. Tony was so sure he would be the cause of her gaining wrinkles before she even hit thirty; the thought alone made Tony have to suppress his smile once again by pressing the back of his curling in fingers to his mouth, elbow resting on the table.

He couldn't deny the undeniable sheepish guilt that he had felt burying itself underneath his skin when he couldn't help but recall the explicit concern that Allie had been able to hide from hear features that morning, of the side glances cast towards his way underneath a furrowed brow when she thought he wasn't paying attention; Tony had not meant for his to let his nervousness to seep out onto the surface, though when he was ever around it seemed he had a harder time quashing those feelings down. He had been doing a lot of that lately – no longer bottling up his feelings and corking them all for him to stash away on a half forgotten rack in the back of his mind where they would end up falling and breaking as he crept closer and closer a rocky instability he became all too familiar with; no, instead Tony was finding himself being able to breathe through these moments – to wash out the anxiety that was wracking him as he took it breath by breath, and this was a much easier method when dealing with his problems than letting them become infected and fester as he tried desperately to ignore them or keep himself distracted to ignore their existence. And this new habit had found itself creeping into his life and Tony knew it was of no subconscious decision of his own.

Tony couldn't bear the thought of even flickering his gaze up to meet Pepper's, burning beneath her eyes as he tried to ignore how constricting his heart felt in his chest, but it was a different feeling, one he could only chalk up to the constant turmoil he had been in over these past few months over her radio silence; now that she was here, Tony had no idea of what to say. He had mulled over it again and again consistently over these past few months and now that he had the chance to talk to Pepper, to ask her how she was, what she was up to, did she miss him too… his mind drew a blank. He remembered the first few weeks without Pepper, how it hurt and how he fell into himself, trying desperately to forget her, forget everything they had because he couldn't fix it, but he always managed to fix everything, yet he had broken this apart with his bare hands. And maybe, maybe, he had left it too long, had let it become rusted, unfixable, unmalleable to put back together.

But this was Pepper – the very same Pepper who stood by him after everything they went through (nearly everything and Tony inwardly winces at the memory of her frightened face as he had clutched at her throat in a dazed panic because her face didn't appear human through the exhausted cloud of his mind). It was Pepper who had helped him against Obi, had been Pepper who helped him when he couldn't even find the energy to make it through the day without having a drink, Pepper who had been his last thought when he stared into the void of the nothing, ready to let it consume him entirely. Pepper who had left him when he thought he was going to collapse in on himself, when he would claw at his chest because he couldn't breathe, and the ghost of the shrapnel was still making itself towards his heart.

And he didn't blame her for it – couldn't blame her; she deserved a better man and Tony… wasn't. He thought, no, he knew that he would never be the good man she needed. All his life, Tony had always thought and knew there was something rotten in him, eating away whatever goodness that might have been lurking deep in the shadows.

I don't, echoed Allie's voice in his ear and he remembered how she had looked at him, eyes softening and her hair loose around her shoulders, cheeks slightly flushed as he had told her how he could never think of himself as being anything as good and almighty as he strived to be. He had not meant to spill so much, to let his words falls past his tongue before he could even think to catch him, but it was becoming a habit around her, how she made even talking that bit easier; he had been so used to keeping it all inside where it would eat away at him until there was nothing left of him and it scared him when he couldn't control himself from practically gushing out every thought he had, half afraid that something monstrous and bloated would leak out of him from how everything he said just seemed to come forth so freely and easily. And Tony was half afraid that one day she would look at him with those eyes Pepper had turned on him and he so desperately tried to reel back those terrifying thoughts, scrambling to control himself lest he might make Allie turn away.

And yet she didn't.

He wondered if him being the one to sign her cheques had anything to do with it.

It was happening again, and he was helpless against the wave that was crashing over him; helpless to his own inability to rely without her and no matter how much Tony tried in pulling away, to pull back before he would smother Allie entirely and make her break away into nothing, he couldn't help it. She was kind, gentle even and Tony knew he had to get a hold of himself before he could be at risk at being caught up, snared in the idea that her compassion extended beyond trying to placate the man who gave her money. Tony wasn't young anymore, he wasn't prone to the fanciful ideas he was often victim to in his youth when he knew all eyes were on him, watching him, wanting him.

No, Tony wasn't that egotistical to let his mind run rampant with such ideas as that.

Still, he was unable to stop the attachment that was forming, and he despaired at realizing that he had a type for his personal assistants.

He wondered if she realised, knew how reliant he's become on her; her soothing words when he became too wound up and chest too tight that it became hard to breathe, the way she would always bring him coffee in the morning with the cold outside leaving the tip of her nose pink and how she always knew what to say when he thought his panic and anxiety would get the better of him. Too much burden for someone who probably thought their only job would be making coffee for a living.

It was his own fault really, getting lured in by her soft smiles and the way her hair swept behind the curve of her ear, the small smattering of dusted freckles along the bridge of her nose that escaped under her eyes, eyes that reminded him of rainy days but the ones where you stayed under the covers in a half awake state that made the time go faster, made you feel safe and warm. Too caught up in his thoughts, Tony doesn't see the lightening blue eyes that stray to him every so often, set underneath knitted together brows.

Allie reminds him of being young in a different way, different from the way he had often seen his father's friends latch onto young women in hopes of remembering that they were all once hot shit, not seeing the way those same fluttering eyes would roll when they thought no one else was looking; no, she reminds him of when he wasn't carrying around that swaddled, sour feeling in his chest that left him burnt more than once, before when he would sip at his father's whiskey collection, before when he wasn't a man who ran away from everything, even his own feelings. Better times, happier times.

Tony has never been prone to self reflection but he supposes it's better than being stuck in this room, breathing the same, stale air and waiting for the clock hand to tick by; is Allie waiting for him too? He had told her, made sure she would sit just as he had left her and something in him itches at the idea that when he leaves, she won't be there. It's a worrying feeling, albeit he knows it needless and baseless; even for all his pessimism, Tony knows Allie's character too well and it trumps his own, spiralling mind as it fears she might have left and he would come back to an empty seat. He knows that when he turns the corner, she'll be there, probably caught up in her phone before looking up at him with that ever so bright smile that made his chest hurt.

Tony's attention is pulled away as he sees movement, people standing, shuffling, or storming out of the room and murmuring amongst one another and he realizes that people were leaving because the meeting was over and, whoops, he hadn't paid a second of interest as to what was being discussed. Not that it really mattered, his presence was more of a courtesy – or perhaps more akin to a scare tactic to frighten those who might have been getting too rowdy and power hungry; despite having stepped down as CEO, all knew that, at the end of the day, he held the most shares and it was his name slashed across all the products and buildings and papers.

Pulling himself together, Tony stood and straightened his tie and fiddled with his cufflinks, manoeuvring his way around the table when his eyes stray, unconsciously moving and meeting that startling blue, already watching him and stealing his breath, but for an entirely different reason now. Pepper is still, the two standing and staring across from one another as if afraid that movement would spook the other and it makes an uncomfortable feeling unfurl in Tony, nestled and held close to him that it felt all too suffocating on his chest as he found himself unable to look away; he entertains the idea of saying something, of even waving but he can't and it's unbearable, her silence, her watching. Even now, she won't speak and it strokes a flame of irritation in Tony; was he so unworthy of her words that she won't even speak to him when he's standing in front of her?

No, he's getting worked up and it's too much and he needs to leave.

He thinks he sees her mouth opening but brushes it off as a trick of his wanting mind, wanting an answer, something to know why she never bothered to message him back. He's quick to leave, Happy not wasting a moment as he shadows Tony, quick to catch up as Tony bursts through the door, ignoring any attempts of striking up a conversation from the smarmy bastards he's spent his entire life hating.

It was quiet for a while as Tony made his way down the stairs, trying to ignore the eyes that were stuck to him, even reaching up to scratch at his neck as he felt it itch from the stare. He needed to get away, to get some fresh air and some space and he could only barely register Happy's steps following behind him, maintaining a distance, analysing Tony as if he was worried his former boss might have a breakdown.

He was fine, really, he just couldn't stand the thought of being in that room any longer and his chest might end up collapsing in on itself if he had decided to actually grow a pair and even so much as say how have you been? to Pepper but he couldn't – maybe he didn't even want to. How could he be the first to break when she was the one who wanted the space? If she really wanted to talk to him, she would have and she didn't so… Tony didn't like the station this train of thought was leading him to. He slowed his pace, calming his heart and ignoring the sweat on his palms and feeling as if he could actually breathe again before Happy came up behind him and nearly giving him a fright as he looked Tony over, taking in the very tacked on nonchalant look that was on Tony's features. "You doin' okay?"

His mouth was dry but he gave a smile anyways, he was always great at doing that and continued to play stupid to the lurking meaning that hid under Happy's words. The last thing he needed was to talk about Pepper, he just wanted to get away so that he could actually think and the thought of Allie waiting for him in the lobby made his breathing that bit easier, soothing the ache in his lungs and untangling the knots in his chest. "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

Happy gave him a look, tilting his head towards Tony and quirking an eyebrow, knowing that he was being purposely ignorant at trying to pretend the elephant in the room didn't exist, a rather well dress redheaded elephant with exquisite taste in shoes. "Tony."

"Sorry, let me check my watch," Tony said, pulling up the sleeve of his suit and tapping the glass. "Oh, I hadn't realised it was time for my therapy session with you."

Happy gave a snort, rolling his eyes at Tony's words. "I don't think I have the patience to be your therapist."

"Good thing I pay someone else for that," Tony responded, only half joking. He hadn't seen his therapist in six months after they kept asking if he had thoughts of harming himself or others around him and kept trying to ply him with pills and meds that had more syllables than Tony would have liked. Distraction had been more helpful than that crook.

"So, you're hiring more people now?"

"Is that what this is about?" Tony asked, pausing in his steps and narrowing his gaze at his friend's face, watching the way he stiffened and looked as if he might break into a cold sweat from the sudden sharp turn that Tony's voice took; he remembered how nervous Happy used to be when he first began working for him and would always shit his pants whenever Tony took on a cold tone with him. He was amused to see that somewhere, deep down, Happy still was that same person from all those years ago. Tony gave a laugh, watching the way Happy unwound himself as Tony gave his back a clap, resuming his steps. "Don't worry, Happy, you'll always be my favourite underling."

"You know I hate it when you call me that," Happy mumbled, the complaint pulling the smile at the corners of Tony's mouth wider.

"After how you were earlier, I think I'm allowed to bully you just a bit."

That made Happy pause, a frown on his face as a crease formed between his brows, a look on his face making it seem that even the act of thinking was a foreign concept to him and was causing far too much pain for him to want to try it again. "What do you mean how I acted?"

"Happy, you nearly gave fourth grade bullies a run for their money with how you were. I thought you were going to grab Allison by the ankles and start shaking her upside down for lunch money."

"I wasn't like that," Happy defended in disbelief, as if aghast at Tony calling him out before his face screwed up, the pain of thinking clear on his face as he pondered for a moment before something sheepish flittered over his face. "Was I?"

Tony gives him a look in replace of a proper response, causing Happy to wince at the realisation he might have been a bit too harsh; one thing Tony had to give Happy credit for was that the man never did anything half assed or not committing to something entirely. He couldn't remember the last time the two of them had such a serious conversation like this without Tony making a break to get away from any sort of confrontation but it was different – no, he was different. Suddenly, running from his feelings wasn't the first initial response his brain resorted to and Tony wondered when this had come around, how he had become so unaware of his changing and, ah, he probably could pinpoint it and knew exactly who to blame for the change.

Tony thinks that's the end of the conversation, knowing that any more would make the entire thing awkward; Tony had never officially told Happy about him and Pepper deciding to take some time apart from one another but his former bodyguard had been quick to deduce what happened, but how Tony was unsure, though he didn't diminish the possibility that gossip had been a main factor in his friend finding out about the split in Tony's relationship.

Happy had always been bad at gossip, the only thing that surprised Tony was how long it took for him to find out, to call and yell into Tony's ear to ask what happened and why hadn't he gone back to Pepper and grovelled for her to forgive him before Tony snapped and asked him what made him so sure that he had been the problem. It was only a brief silence before Happy asked him how he was and why he hadn't told him and Tony couldn't even give him an answer. What could he say? All he wanted was to hide away from the world, to forget Pepper even existed and forget all the places she used to kiss, covering himself in grease and oil in hopes that when he washed it off he would be an entirely new person.

Now, he was changed. Somewhere along the way, the thought of Pepper didn't hurt as much. He just couldn't face her for fear of her suddenly deciding that she was ready because Tony wasn't, and now he thinks he might never will be. The change that had occurred in him had made him no longer the same person she had remembered, who she had been with for so many years and perhaps it had taken all this time to realise that, just maybe, they never did work together. He had always dragged her down, and she had never tried to understand how much his own thoughts plagued him.

"I'm just worried about you, everything about today just made me start on the wrong foot. I didn't mean to take it out on her," he explained, seemingly genuine in his reasoning and Tony waved his words away.

"You don't need to be worried about me, Happy," Tony replied, weary of the discussion and wishing for it to be over, or better yet to have never existed at all. "There's nothing to worry about."

"I know there's nothing to worry about, Pepper just needs time."

Happy's words pricked at something within Tony, jaw tight and clenched as his fists curled in his pockets as he hoped his friend would just drop the subject after seeing how uncomfortable it made him. "Time for what?"

"Look, I won't even pretend to know what happened between you two – "

"So, you assume it's my fault? I mean you're right, but ouch," Tony laughs but it's bitter, stinging him as he doesn't meet Happy's eyes, wanting to leave the building immediately but he's held back and they pause, Happy forcing him to look at him and Tony can see it, the most sincere look he has ever seen shadow Happy's face. It's unnerving and Tony regrets having ever deciding to leave the Compound that morning.

A sigh leaves Happy and he looks lost, confused and Tony wonders if he's ever talked to Pepper about this, about Tony and their deteriorating relationship. "I don't know, and I won't pry. But I know it'll work itself out."

"Meaning that Pepper will magically forgive me and pretend nothing ever happened?" Tony asks, trying to not let the venom in his voice erode his words into something that he might regret; instead, he swallows the spiel that he was ready to let spill, about how he doesn't understand why everyone always thinks it's his fault that things went wrong, even though nine times out of then they would be right but this wasn't one of those times and only he was just realising that. It had taken too much time and now the epiphany was dawning on him in that moment as it rushed through his mind; he wasn't at fault for making Pepper leave, not entirely, perhaps she was already sick of him and wanted to leave before she would explode on him and hurt him.

Maybe it was a long time coming because they were too different, unmeshable and it was inevitable; that was the thing about inevitability, no matter how much Tony had tried, he could not stop it. It was inevitable his own past would come back to haunt him, it was inevitable that Pepper wouldn't be able to deal with the burden of Tony's cracking mental health and it was inevitable that he would heal, grow and move on. Had he moved on? Pepper had been the first woman he had loved, could say he was in love with, and now… now she remains to hold the title of being the first, but not the last. All that anger, hurt and bitterness washes away in an anticlimactic breath as Tony realises he's taken the first step away from all of that, that in such an unimportant moment that wasn't an important cathartic release he finds himself letting go and Happy stands in front of him, waiting for a response, unaware of knowing that Tony couldn't give him the answer he wanted. He thinks Happy would be the most gutted to find out that he and Pepper were officially over.

Tony clicked his tongue, heart lighter in his chest and offering a shrug and a vague reply. "I don't know if that'll happen, Happy, maybe it's just unfixable."

And there it is in Happy's eyes, clicking and seemingly understanding because there wasn't anything that Tony couldn't fix and he stands straight, mouth parted slightly before closing it, a silent acceptance of Tony's answer. Without waiting to drag the conversation on and hoping it would be left in the dirt behind them, Tony continues on silently, down the last flight of stairs and then they would be around the corner, the home run and Allie would be there and he could finally leave and go back home and not have to worry about this obstacle anymore.

There's a clearing of a throat and Tony doesn't even have to look at Happy to know he's nervous but his hunger for gossip trumps whatever uneasiness he might feel at prying into Tony's life as it's never stopped him before. "So, then… how long has that been a thing?"

"Has what been a thing?" Tony asks, once again playing ignorant and there's a flutter in his chest; had Happy noticed? Tony thought he was managed to hide it well and that he could continue to do that without anyone catching on but if Happy had managed to see through Tony's guise then, shit, he was done for. How long would it be before more people began to see through it? He could see it now, trashy tabloids catching wind of Tony Stark hanging around a younger woman like those old leachers his father used to pander to.

"You and… whatever her name is."

"You know, for someone with your name, it doesn't seem to suit you all that much," Tony bites out, voice taking on that sharp tone once again only this time he's not doing it out of humour. It doesn't sit right with him, of course it doesn't, to see Happy acting like this to Allie, remembering how taken aback and lost, afraid she had done something wrong to offend Happy that made him act so cold to her. Tony knew it was probably an unconscious reaction after many years of Happy having to turn women away from Tony and it only grew worse once he and Pepper had gotten together; he never thought of having to describe a bodyguard as being too overprotective. "Allison, you could try to remember her name, at least. It doesn't suit you, being antagonistic like a poor Disney villain."

"Yeah, maybe," Happy agrees, shoulders dropping and there's a pause, a serious look crossing his old friend's face and it looks unnatural and considering the topic at hand, Tony can only guess what comes next – probably admonishing Tony for his behaviour, or telling him he was too old for this sort of nonsense. Time trickles by, sand through the gaps of his fingers and smothering his lungs before another breath leaves Happy, a kinder expression flickering on his features before he speaks, and then his hand is on Tony's shoulder, a gentle reminder and a fleeting comfort. "Tony. You know I just want you to be happy, right?"

Down the steps, nearly around the corner he turns and there, he pauses and sees Allie, proving his earlier worries wrong as she sits, elbow on her knee with hand cupping her chin as her back was hunched over, not at all a comfortable seating position but it's relief to see her there, sitting and waiting and unaware that Tony is doing the same. Her face clearly shows her boredom with a faraway look in those grey eyes and she doesn't fit in with the sleek, cold décor of the building, the soft curls of her brown hair like a halo around her head, slipping over one shoulder before she sits back in her chair, legs stretched out and she doesn't even realise the way it makes that feeling in Tony's chest weigh down.

He's left speechless for a moment as he watches Allie briefly, the stuttering beat of his heart making the moment linger on as he takes her in, all of her and again because he can't appreciate her properly the first time before he realises he's not in his own world and turns to Happy, shaking his head to get himself back on track before tossing him that charming grin of his. "Thanks, Happy. I think I'll be able to make my own happiness."

When he turns the corner, Allie's eyes find him instantly and the smile that graces her face is a sudden burst, a flash of straight white teeth that curve her eyes and Tony realises it's for him she's smiling, that he caused the brightness on her face and he feels as if he's helplessly being pulled on a rope towards her, though doesn't protest the lack of autonomy. She gives him a small wave of her hand and the smile widens and he can't help but give her one in return, is all but powerless when it came to her. It's been so long since he's felt like this, is almost unsure of what to do with these feelings as they crawled to the surface after being buried deep within for far too long, stiff and unsure but finding their way slowly but surely. Tony thinks he's too old to be calling this a 'crush', no it's something else, something more and he's quite terrified of it all, of the intensity and the somewhat wrongness of it all that he knows it won't be long before he'll have to bury them once again. But, for now, he'll stay in wonder of how beautiful her smile was.

The clock is almost hazy as Tony stares at it with bleary eyes, glaring at the 1:03 am appearing up on the small screen. It's cold down here, dark and uninviting as Allie has long since left the place, giving a shout of a goodbye and giving him a wave as she told him she would see him tomorrow and even now that tomorrow was today it still couldn't come fast enough. The last text she had sent him had been at ten, a meme of some sorts that she sent him attached with a text that said haha u underneath and Tony supposed it was meant to poke fun at him because he didn't really get memes but still sent her several crying emojis and a knife in response. She replied by sending the same meme three times before he told her he was going to leave on her on read. She sent a sad face – he didn't respond.

Tony actually took his threats very seriously, thank you very much.

The place, he, feels emptier without her presence and the morning couldn't come quick enough. Now that Christmas drawing near, the ever wanting need for company was becoming too much to bear and he knew spending Christmas by himself was inevitable, though it couldn't be any worse than last year.

His phone buzzed and his heart lurched for a different reason than it used to before and he sees Allie's name pop up on his screen.

'i cant believe u rly left me on read :^('.

He can't deny the smile on his face, a breathy laugh being pulled him his chest as he read her words. His answer is simple: go to bed or else you're fired.

'meanie :^(((((('.

Even when she's not here, Allie still manages to make him feel not alone, to make that consuming loneliness to whimper and turn away with its tail tucked between its legs.

You are not a creature of isolation, Vision had told him once and maybe he was right – there was little about anything that he had been wrong about; was he truly that alone, he wondered? Tony didn't feel it – he didn't feel alone or feel afflicted with a sickening loneliness as he once had; in his hand, he fiddled with his phone, finger tapping against the top corner as he pondered over Vision's words of advice that he had parted with Tony so very long ago when he had seen whatever was inside his creator that Tony did not wish to acknowledge.

Seeing Pepper… it had been strange, different, and that weight on his chest had lightened so gradually that it was only then he had noticed how non-existent it felt compared to how it used to be. It was as if something in him closed and he could breathe again. It's late, creeping into the late hours of the night and it wouldn't be long before the first stretching rays of the morning sun would make their way into the sky; he needs sleep, Allie would be concerned if she saw him after he decided to pull another all nighter.

So, releasing a gust of air, Tony switched off his phone and turned away for the night.


Hello, hello! Just before I get into my A/N I'd like to answer a few of your reviews!


DarmioneForever: thank you for your review! I'm always worried about writing chemistry and believe me, sometimes I get butterflies writing it as well!

Queenquery01: thank you so much! And please never apologise for rambling, it means so much to hear my readers' thoughts on my story!

Tomecat-303: and thank you for the review!

SorrowJunky: ahhhh thank you so much! To hear you have read my story more than once means so much to me like I genuinely don't know how to fathom into words how much it means to me to hear that!

Wynter Phoenix: thank you! I hope you enjoy this chapter as well!

BlackWolfWanderlust: omg thank you! Seriously it's making me grin like an idiot reading your review and seeing how much you like the story! I hope you continue to enjoy the story!

Blueowl: poor happy, he's just pepperony stan #1 and it was just an unconscious decision to defend his fans, I just know he would be a kpop stan with the dedication he has. And pepper will definitely be making an appearance in the future! (far into the future though).

Ellixwolf: I literally don't know how to explain to you that I LOVED reading your review, like seriously I love reading all that you write and it makes my day so much. I enjoy reading your thoughts on the chapter just as much as you guys read my story, it's like a win-win situation! I literally am just so dumbfounded and speechless to know how much you love and enjoy this story like holy CRAP it makes me think "how could anything I write mean to someone?" then you really come out here, making me cry at work because you be leaving the most amazing review and making my whole week that bit bearable. Allie is definitely someone that while she can accept her feelings exist, she runs from them while tony is becoming someone who doesn't run from his feelings but doesn't want to accept them. These two really warm my heart even though I literally created their interactions but sometimes I catch myself grinning like an idiot because goddamn even im like JUST GET TOGETHER ALREADY but they both are too stubborn for their own good. Allie is definitely becoming the person tony needs and tony is someone who is helping allie becoming more confident and he's helping her to trust other people outside of her one real friend and they're both helping each other without realising it. Every healthy relationship encourages, not demands, change! Not to give much away about Allie's background, but she was definitely someone who used to be frightened of authority figures, especially considering her relationship with her stepfather. AND I HOPE YOU ENJOYED TONY'S POV! I enjoyed writing it so much and I just love getting into his mind so much, he knows how much allie means to him but after everything with pepper, it's understandable he has issues. I wanted to make the issue of him and pepper's relationship being they were too different and couldn't give each other what they wanted because I hate the "pepper is a bitch" narrative because woman bashing isn't cool. Tony is bitter, yes, but he's also accepted that it wasn't entirely his fault but neither was it Pepper's, they were just two different people who were far too different to work for too long and will get their resolution in the future. And at least Happy has become the first supporter of Tony because he just wants Tony to be happy and any threat to that (as he initially believed Allie to be) is a no no for him, but he's a lot more understanding than Tony gives him credit for. I literally could go on and on about this but don't want to give anything away! I hope you enjoy this chapter as you did the last!

Krakengirl: thank you for the review! I wanted to redeem Happy after the last chapter because we only see his behaviour from allie's pov and I hope I managed to explain why he acted the way he did here, he's just worried about tony and his friend's happiness that he's worried anything might ruin his relationship with pepper which, as Happy sees, was the first real relationship Tony ever had and was the first time he was happy with someone. There'll be less of an antagonistic meeting between Allie and Happy in the future so hopefully he'll be able to make amends!

weheartnoelle: thank you for the review! I love Happy so well, he's not an idiot but he's certainly loveable and he just is very overprotective over his friend. He protecc but also attacc. I hope I managed to convey the break between Tony and Pepper well, I too think she really just bailed on him and never really understand the depth of his mental illness but I hate the narrative that "oh pepper is horrible and never understood poor tony uwu". Personally, I see it that the two of them wanted two very different things from a relationship and Pepper was unable to give Tony the love of a partner that he needed while Tony was unable to give Pepper the stable relationship she wanted, but I shall speak no more lest I give it all away! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

PrincessMagic: thank you for the review! I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Gottalovethosefanfics: Thank you! I felt so bad making Happy an ass but I also thought it would def be in character for him since he's the number one shipper of pepperony (HELLO THE RING IN HIS POCKET LIKE? WHAT?) and saw Allie as threat #1 to his ship. But he's not entirely an ass and recognises he was too defensive and quite mean to her lol, he'll just have to apologise to her next time they meet.

sasserus snape: thank you! I hope you continue to support and enjoy the story!

DarmioneForever: believe me, neither was i! I threw her in there as a last minute cliffhanger and to add some ~spice~

BooksHumnas: omg thank you so much! Like genuinely, thank you it means the world to me to hear about how much you guys love this story and it gives me the energy to keep writing! And as for the avengers team, they will be making an appearance in the future! Only it will be at the expense of Allie's embarrassment (im sorry allie this is how it has to be). I hope you enjoy this chapter!

: thank you! I hope you continue to enjoy the story!

Annedq: ahh thank u so much! I hope you enjoy this chapter!


no proff readign we dye like shoulders

You know, I had great expectations about updating back in April, I did – really and truly I did. I got the first four thousand of this written out and then the news hit – we would be reopening on may 10th, which was the worst piece of news I heard of all year since I had seven assignments due before the 27th of may and two of those were due on may 10th. I was working at the same time while trying to get my assignments done and I STILL didn't get them all done and had to apply for a deferral on an assignment that's due in august. And now I'm back to working five days a week, ten hours a day. Kill me.

But, to cheer myself up, I've been writing this chapter little by little on my days off when I'm not sleeping the day away.

I really love writing tony's POV and getting into his head, but I was always a bit self conscious about my characterisation/portrayal of him but the amount of love you guys have sent my way has made me more confident in writing his POV! I genuinely love writing from his POV but was hesitant to do so frequently, but the people have spoken and now that I know you guys not only love but want his POV, I'm going to try and incorporate it more into this story than I initially planned. I also like to project onto characters when im writing so if you see tony getting a little TOO depressed that's probably my own problems seeping through whoops

Anyways, I hope u guys enjoy!

Thanks for reading!