Crimson Puddles
Catherine walked patiently behind the wheelchair, as Nick looked up weakly at the sky.
"It's hard to believe I've been in this place for three weeks now…"
"Yeah, it is. But at least you're doing better. The doctor was really surprised when you started to get your left arm moving as much as you did so quickly."
"I… I still can't really move my legs, or my right arm though…" He answered weakly, unable to hide the weariness in his voice.
"It's ok Nick. No one expects you to just magically be better. We just want you to take your time… rest, ok?"
"Yeah… so how are things back at the lab?" He whispered as he grimaced from a sharp pain from the cut where the glass had gone into his thigh.
"Are you ok? Do you want me to call a nurse?"
"No! No, this is the first time they've let me out of my bed, let alone outside. I… I don't w-want to go back yet…"
Catherine felt tears welling up, but she fought them back and merely nodded when she noted the clear desperation in his voice. "Ok, ok, you don't have to go back in yet."
"So, about the lab?" Catherine slowed them to a stop and walked around to face Nick. She hardly knew how to respond to him, but was glad when she heard relief in his voice. I won't make you go back in until you're ready Nicky… no, Nick. You're not a kid…
"Not that you should be worrying about that, Nick, but things are going fine. Grissom has been having a few extra battles with the McKeen, but Ecklie has been really supportive. And, it seems like Vegas has been taking some time off. No one has had any really tough cases, and everyone misses you."
"What about my… err… r-replacement?"
"Nick, I want you to really listen to what I'm about to say, ok?"
"Ok…"
"Paul Davenport is not your replacement, Nick. No one could ever, and I mean ever, take your place. All he's doing is filling in for you. Like a substitute, once you're back, you're back. He might still be around, but he is not a replacement for you."
"A s-substitute huh?" Nick groaned a bit as he flashed a distorted, painful grin.
"Yeah, and we all know substitutes are never as good as the person they're filling in for. Boy, you should see how Sara glares at him. They do wish they could visit more often Nick, while you're awake that is…"
"I hate being this tired…" Nicked whined carefully trying to keep himself from taking any deep breaths. It hurts… so much… He slowly leaned his head back against Catherine as she pushed him once more along the path.
"Well, at least you can stay awake for a few hours at a time. It's nice being able to have real conversations with you again."
Nick smiled a bit more, and he felt the pain lessen slightly as he looked up at the sky.
"You see something up there, Nick?" Catherine questioned out of curiosity as she too looked up at the sky.
"Not really… just… freedom… peace…"
"Ah. That's why birds fascinate you isn't it? They're free too fly away…"
"I guess. At least to some extent. Did I ever tell you I took up paragliding? It felt so… liberating. It was like nothing mattered, like all my problems were gone."
"There's a lot about you that I don't know. And vice-versa."
"It's too bad."
"Yeah… it is. Well you can ask me anything at anytime, Nick, ok?"
"Hmm… sounds goods…" Catherine couldn't help but smile when she noticed how fast the other had fallen asleep. Well, I guess that means you're ready to go back inside. You're going to be ok. I know it.
"Ah, Miss Willows, I see he's exhausted…"
"Yeah, he just…"
"Fell asleep without warning? Don't worry that's to be expected. Mentally he's ready for anything, but his body just isn't ready. Now we've had our psychiatrist meet with him a few times. He said Nick didn't talk much about what happened to him, and we don't want to push him emotionally right now."
"It broke my heart having to push him around in that wheelchair. I can't even begin to comprehend what it would be like to be in it."
"It won't be easy, but take my word for it, I've seen a lot of people over the years. He's got a lot of good friends, and I can see how much he trusts you. Besides our physical therapist is really good at his job."
"Yeah. Oh, and, uh, he was in quite a bit of pain earlier. He won't say anything, but it was pretty bad."
"Ok, we'll check it out, and maybe up his medications a bit. He's in good hands."
"Thanks for everything." Catherine whispered as she watched the doctor wheel Nick back into his room. Sleep well Nick. I'll see you tomorrow.
Sara walked past the break room and bit her lip when she heard several people laughing. Without hesitating she slammed the door open to see Warrick slapping Paul on the back while Greg, Mia, and Archie cracked up laughing.
"Warrick, we've got to go. After all, we are still on the clock."
"Speaking of clocks, why don't you come and have a few drinks with us after shift, Sara?" Paul offered amiably.
"I can't."
"Why not?"
"I have plans."
"Oh really? Got a date?" He quipped softly, trying to coax at least smile from her. I wish she didn't hate me. It's not like I've done anything to her.
"I'm going to go visit Nick at the hospital actually. Catherine said he was pretty down when she was with him. But at least they let her push him around the courtyard for awhile. Oh, and that reminds me, Greg, when you see Grissom tell him I had to leave a little early. I wanted to pick up something to try to lift his spirits." She offered him a slight smile before turning and heading back out the door beginning to feel slightly guilty about the harsh, criticizing tone she had taken with them.
"Hey, Doc, can I see him?"
"Ah, Detective Brass right?"
"Yeah, I'm kinda on break, so I don't have much time."
"Well, he's asleep right now, and we've just given him some medication, but by all means you can head on in for a little bit."
Brass nodded before entering the small room. He felt his stomach tighten when he saw Nick lying in the barely lit room. His shoes clicked quietly on the tiled floor as he took the seat Catherine had left positioned by the head of the bed. Unsure of what he was doing there he simply watched the others chest as it moved slightly with his shallow breath.
His screams echoed in his ears as he felt the glass walls rising up around in once more. They were closing in, but all he could focus on was the little girl standing just beyond looking at him in horror. Then he could see the figures in black moving closer. He heard his own voice screaming for Lindsey to run, but she didn't move. Then Catherine was right beside them. He closed his eyes as the first of the men reached her and he could hear Lindsey's sobs until the only sound was his own screaming. When he next opened his eyes he was still screaming. Catherine and Lindsey were lying on the ground. And then he could see them surrounding him. Their arms pushing the glass walls into him. He felt the hands pushing down on his shoulders.
Brass felt his stomach tighten when Nick to shake. Seeing his head shaking 'no' he could've sworn he had tears falling from his eyes. He was fighting the sick feeling in his stomach when Nick started crying out incomprehensible noises.
"Come on, Kid… it's ok… wake up. It's just a nightmare. You're ok, you're safe." Brass whispered, trying to gently bring him out from whatever hell he was going through.
"Hey, Catherine, how was Nick doing?"
"Well, I was able to push him around the courtyard a bit. He was still pretty exhausted, and he's kind of been down. I mean he's trying to see the bright side of things, but, well, he's just having a hard time doing that."
"Having friends like you will help." Grissom answered her firmly.
"Thanks, but that doesn't mean it'll be enough."
"I know, I'll never be as good of a friend, but I'm heading over a little while after shift to see him. Actually, Brass ran over now while he was on break."
"Come on, Sara, just tell me. What's your problem with Paul? He's a nice guy, and a pretty damned good CSI."
"Who is trying to replace Nick!" She snapped back irritably.
"Jesus, Sara… replace Nick? Don't tell me that's what you really think?"
"Show me the evidence that says otherwise. He's filling in for Nick, he wants a permanent spot on our team, come on, isn't it obvious, Warrick?"
"Oh please…"
"How long has it been since you've seen him?"
"What?"
"You heard me."
"You're kidding right?"
"Am I laughing, Warrick?" She chided viciously, "When was the last time you saw Nick at the hospital?"
"I… I d-don't know. The day before yesterday." Warrick answered in confusion.
"You. You and even Greg, both of you. You've only seen Nick a few times these past weeks since he showed up. You all went out yesterday, and now again today, and you only drop in to see Nick a few times. And when you do see him, it isn't for long."
"I'd better call Grissom. I need to get off work an hour early." Warrick answered in a voice she had heard only once. The guilt struck her deeply when she remembered how crushed he had been at seeing Nick in his coffin. And now I've just made him feel more guilty… good job, why don't you see how many people you can hurt in one night.
"Warrick, don't. I-I'm sorry. I never should've said that. I know you care about Nick; I know you guys are best friends."
"No Sara. You were right to say those… things to me. It's just that… I hate seeing him like that. I hate seeing him barely able to lift his own arm. And then I hate myself for hating that. Just gets so hard to bear, and I can hardly do it anymore. I guess… I let myself go with Paul, because he's so much like Nick. Just younger, and not quite as… well I don't know."
"Yeah, I know. I think that was part of why I couldn't stand him. He's like the over friendly version of Nick." She let herself smile as Warrick chuckled. She grabbed his hand and let out a chuckle of her own as she shook her head.
"Yeah, and Nick is friendly enough. I need to see him more, and thank you for reminding me of that. I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I just abandoned him when he needs us all most."
"Hello, Jimmy, it's been a while."
"Annie? What are you doing out here?"
"I was getting a little sick of Hollywood. Had plenty of time stored up, so I decided to check up on an old friend."
"Yeah. Well, I certainly feel old right now."
"What happened to your friend in there?"
Brass sighed, giving her a slight smile. "You know something? Just when I thought there wasn't a single self sacrificing human left… he goes and proves me wrong."
"Hmm. That must be hard. I know how much you hate to be proved wrong. What did he do?"
"He saved a little girl from being kidnapped; ended up getting shot twice, but he managed to run for several miles with a bullet in his leg."
"Damn. I didn't think there were still heroes out there. Huh. I guess life still has a few surprises left for all of us."
"I need him to get better. He's just a kid, himself. He's too young to have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair."
"Well, I don't want to spread false hope, but maybe life will throw him another surprise."
"Yeah, right. The last surprise he had before this was being buried alive."
She bit her lip, uncertain of how to react to the last statement. "People's luck changes everyday."
"Yeah, well I need to get back to work, I've got some people waiting for me."
"Mind if I tag along? You look like you could use some company."
"Hey Brass, how is he?" Warrick called as soon as he stepped out of his car.
"He's been better. He was having a nightmare, and once I woke him up the nurse came in and gave him some medications, so he was out like a light."
"You remember Annie Kramer?" Brass responded dryly as she stepped out of the passenger side door.
"Yeah, from LA… what are you doing out here?"
"I needed a break."
"Yeah, well she's here to help out, so, Annie, this is Sara Sidle, Sara, Annie Kramer."
"Hello. So, Nick wasn't doing too good?"
"I don't know, all I saw was him having a nightmare…"
"Yeah, well, if we want to see him later, we'd better get busy." Warrick offered softly before they all headed towards the crime scene.
"Come on, Lily, I know what you said, but I have to talk to him."
"Sam, he's going through hell knows what; he needs rest…"
"I promise I won't do anything to upset him. I just need to talk to him." He answered with a firmness in his voice that was supposed to put an end to the discussion.
"Alright, but if it doesn't go well, don't worry about answering to me. Catherine will do the job well enough for ten of me."
"W-who…"
"Ah… we've never really been introduced. Mr. Stokes… I'm…"
"B-Braun. W-what are you doing here?"
"I wanted to offer you my help, and present you a little offer."
"W-what do you mean?"
"Listen, it's nothing you have to worry about. But, if you ever, and I mean ever, need help, well, I'll be right there for you. Be it financially, or emotionally…"
"W-w-why?"
"I thought that would be obvious, Mr. Stokes. You saved more than my granddaughter's life. You saved Catherine as well, not to mention her mother, and there is nothing I can do to fully repay that debt. Now, how are you feeling?"
"How would you be feeling if you'd just had to be fed like a little kid?" Nick shot back slowly, as he tried to keep his remaining strength up.
"I guess that's fair. I-I'm so sorry, I never… you deserve to get another chance at life; now, Lindsay is waiting for me. Just… give me a call if you ever need something… anything at all."
Nick fell back against the soft pillows in defeat as his faltering strength finally gave out.
"Why?"
He slowly turned back around to face Nick. Seeing the younger man lying back, with his shoulders slumped, and tears falling from his eyes made his heart break. The poor kid. He deserves better after everything he's done.
"I-I j-just wanted to help her… I didn't mean to screw up…" Nick went silent as he felt his voice crack. Why am I telling him this? How in the world is he supposed to help me?
"This may not mean much, coming from me, but you weren't the one who screwed up. None of this ever should have happened, unfortunately we can't change the past. We can't go back and fix our mistakes. Now, you don't have to be 'strong', Mr. Stokes; whatever you're holding back… just let it go. You're a good man. The best thing you can do for anyone is to get better."
"You ok, Catherine?"
"Did you see how sweet that little boy was, Gil? And that woman… she abused him in the worst way possible! He was only eleven for God's sake."
"And his mother killed her out of revenge."
"How can they press charges? I know I would've done the exact same thing."
"This isn't just about Lindsay, is it." Catherine looked back up at him. She could tell it hadn't been a question.
"It's just that… when I saw that boy crying, and all alone… I just kept seeing Nick…"
"How old was Nick when he was… m-molested?"
Catherine carefully wiped a few tears from her eyes before looking back at her supervisor, and she was surprised to see tears building up in his own eyes. "He was only nine. How badly did I give it away?"
"You hid it surprisingly well. But, after a while it just seemed to fit."
"Yeah. I guess it helped make him the hero that he is, and… don't tell him you know, Gil. Let him come to you if he wants to talk about it."
"You can count on me. I-I just wonder… what else has he buried over the years? What else is he hiding?" He sighed in frustration. "Generosity is giving more than you can, and pride is taking less than you need. I don't think I've ever seen anyone with both, or either, of those traits before. I guess Khalil Gibran knew a lot more about people than I ever will."
"He was willing to give more than his life, but he can't even accept our help."
"Hey, Greg." He sighed, unsure of how to go about asking the next question.
"Hey." He answered gloomily. "You know, it wasn't always like this. We actually used to laugh. We'd smile, and be able to enjoy each other's company."
"Yeah, uh… I know this may seem awkward, but what all has uh… Nick… Stokes, been through?" He bit his lip while waiting nervously for a response.
"Too much. He moved here several years ago, and I guess it started with him getting a gun shoved in his face. Not too mention that it happened pretty recently after another CSI had been shot at a crime scene. She didn't make it, but he got lucky, and didn't get hurt. The next year this creep stalked him, and threw him out a second story window. That came to an end after he had his stalker put another gun in his face…"
"Damn, I can't even imagine…"
"But you don't get it, that's not anywhere near the end. Last year he was abducted and buried alive for almost twenty-four hours. As if that wasn't bad enough the Plexiglas walls started to give way, and a bunch of fire ants started to eat him alive for a few hours before we found him. Of course, then there's this… he fell through a trapdoor into some dark hole full of bugs, and Catherine helped him. He went to go pick up Lindsay as a favor, and in return saved her from being kidnapped after getting shot twice…"
"I guess that would explain why they can't stand me."
"Just give them time… and don't let them think you're here to replace him. Because, if you are, well, this'll be nothing compared to what they'd do."
"What would they do?"
"I dunno, but if you think they don't like you now, they'd really hate you. Heck, if you are here to take Nick's place then I'd hate you…"
"I-I'll keep that in mind."
"Hey… Hodges…"
"Hey Nick. How have you been holding up?"
"N-not too good. I-I'm so scared… what am I supposed to do if I'm confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life? I-it's not like I'd be able to process much of anything…" The bluntness of Nick's statement made him suddenly uncertain of what to do. He had never seen this broken down before, and it scared him more than anything ever had before.
"Life isn't worth living if it's only for a job. You think any of us could make it in that lab without family and friends to help? You have a loving family, Nick, and wonderful friends who would do anything for you. None of us will abandon you if you're confined to a wheelchair. You're our friend, Nick, we care about you, and no matter what happens we'll be here to help you. No matter what…"
"Yeah… Do you have any idea what it's like to always be the one who needs help? I-it's just not f-fair. I've never asked for any of this, but it still always seems to happen to me…"
"Hey now, don't be this hard on yourself, Nick. We all need help from time to time, but that's why we've got friends. It doesn't matter who needs help, and when, or how often, they need it. Don't ever be afraid to come to us for help." He stopped as he took in the tears falling along the other's face. He had never seen him look so lost, and he bit his lip to stop himself from letting out the sob and it took him all his strength to fight off the tears building up steadily.
"T-thanks… I guess. Y-you busy for the n-next hour?"
"No, Mia is covering for me, so I have plenty of time… you want something?"
"I… I j-just don't want to be alone…"
Hodges nodded, but stopped when he saw Nick's gaze drift over to the wheelchair and then towards the window that looked out into the courtyard. "You want to get out of this room for a while? It's a bit stuffy in here…"
"Y-you wouldn't m-m-mind?"
"A few years ago, probably, but like you've told me before… I'm coming around. And, if you want some fresh air, I'd be more than happy to help you out." He offered a weak smile before he stepped out of the room quickly and Nick watched him talking with a nurse.
He came back in, and offered another small smile before gingerly helping Nick out of the bed, and He bit his tongue to keep in the grunt. I'd carry you the whole way if I had to… He couldn't help the sigh of relief as Nick's weight was lifted from him once he was in his wheelchair. Several minutes later they were walking through the courtyard in the dying light of the sun.
"Hey, Gil, I know this is a bad time, but the key CSI is opening back up. McKeen wants a recommendation ASAP…"
Grissom froze as the words registered. He can't be serious… who in the hell am I supposed to choose? Nick… he deserves it, and while it may take some time for him to get back I know he's the best guy for the job…
"Actually, I'd like to stick with my prior choice. McKeen can wait for the position to be filled, can't he?"
"I'll talk to him, and see if he'll accept your recommendation. J-just don't hold your breath, Gil. He hasn't exactly been understanding about anything that's happened to Nick. I swear I could deck him sometimes… telling us to prepare for a flipping funeral…"
"What?" He asked as he heard Ecklie whisper the last part.
"Huh? Oh… I'm sorry, but yeah, that's what he told us… take care of him Gil; make sure he gets better. He's a good man, and one hell of a CSI… I'll do my best to see that this spot is held open for him. You have my word."
Grissom smiled thoughtfully. I guess traumatic experiences change everyone, but this is one change I'll gladly accept. In fact, I've never seen him acting this way. It's like he doesn't care about kissing up to others. He's actually concerned about the people that work for him. Just goes to show you… good things can come from the worst disasters… He stopped walking, and bit his lip as he thought of Nick lying in his hospital bed. You're going to walk again, you have to… I know you will. If anyone can, it'll be you…
To Be Continued…
Next Chapter: Sara and Warrick visit Nick. Meanwhile, Grissom and Catherine talk even more, and Brass has dinner with Annie before making a decision to seek out another person he hopes to help. Greg talks with Hodges about his visit to Nick.
Notes: Wow, sorry this took so LONG to update... I was gone friday through tuesday though, so I guess it wasn't the writing that took quite so long. Hope you all enjoy this chapter, and I hope to be able to update fairly soon. I'm also thinking that this story is only going to have a few more chapters, and it's almost done. I always look forward to reading your thoughts, and thanks for all the reviews so far!
