Ok, everyone, I kept meaning to update but I got abducted by these flying purple monkeys and – -author gets hit over head by demonic best friend- Oh, fine… it's because was lazy… and then I had surgery… and then I was lazy again…
Disclaimer: -Author looks hopefully at best friend, sees murderous expression and sighs- … I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist…
Roy looked up, startled by the sounds of gunshots and crumbling masonry. Standing up, he rushed out of his office. His jaw promptly punched a hole in the floor. Riza was screaming like a madwoman, chasing a… were his eyes deceiving him? Was that really an elephant! (A/N: Where did the elephant come from? Don't ask me… maybe Fuery found it shivering in the rain?)
The elephant let out a sort of strangled trumpeting scream, and Roy dove out of the way just as said elephant tried to take refuge in Roy's office. Roy peeked cautiously around the pile of rubble that was once a door, and silently cheered the elephant on as soon as he realised that it had totalled his desk, and consequently, his paperwork.
Roy jumped out of the way again as Riza nearly bowled him over, shooting frantically. Two more shots later, the elephant was dead.
"Thank you, Riza" Roy said sarcastically. "I always wanted an elephant carcass in my office…"
Riza turned and glared at him, holstering her gun. "Just for that it stays there until it rots" she said calmly.
"Eh? But Riza -" Roy was cut off as she walked away.
"Why is there a dead elephant in your office, sir?" Fuery asked. Havoc stood next to him. The shock of seeing the elephant had not been quite sufficient to make him forget to sulk about the loss of his most recent girlfriend. He stared blankly at the elephant.
"That's what I'd like to know" replied Roy. He smiled gleefully. "At least it had time to destroy my paperwork before it died"
"You do realise Riza will just give you more" laughed a new voice.
Roy turned to see who it was. His jaw dropped. It was Alphonse Elric, and he looked amazing. He wore the long red jacket and black leather pants Ed had been famous for. Roy estimated he was about 5'7". He was lightly muscled and had his long ash-brown hair pulled back in a neat ponytail. Bangs framed his face.
"Is that Alphonse!" asked Fuery. Roy nodded, pushing his jaw closed.
"Wow, Alphonse, we haven't seen you since you were a suit of armour!" exclaimed Fuery.
Roy tried desperately to refrain from drooling as Al smiled. "Is there anyone here who doesn't know about that?" Al enquired.
Fuery thought for a second. "Actually, I think the new guy doesn't know yet…"
Al laughed, then looked at Havoc. "What's wrong with Havoc? Did Roy steal his girlfriend again?"
Fuery nodded. "Yeah. And then half a day later she called him a lying, cheating bastard and ran out"
Al grinned. "I think that's a new record"
"Yeah. So, why are you here?" (A/N: Why is he here? I dunno… so Roy can fall in love with him?)
"Nii-san lost his arm"
Fuery stared at him in shock. "How did he manage that!"
"I'm not sure. That's what I'm here to find out"
Roy thought he'd better make a contribution to the conversation, instead of just staring. "How are Winry and Mrs. Pinako doing?"
Al frowned slightly. "You haven't got your eye on Winry, have you?"
Roy smirked. "Of course not. Why would any man go for a girl who'd probably beat him to death with a wrench?" he remarked.
"I don't know. Try asking the guy who's dating her"
"So I take it she's doing well. And Mrs. Pinako?"
"She's not as young as she used to be, but there's no way that's going to slow her down"
"Glad to hear it" Now Roy had got the social niceties out of the way and could safely escape. "If you'll excuse me, I have paperwork to do"
Al and Fuery both stared at him. After a few seconds of silence, Fuery said "Um, sir… the elephant destroyed it. You do remember the elephant, sir? It's the reason why your office currently has no door"
Roy silently cursed the failure of an escape plan that had never failed him before. He thought quickly. "But I'm sure Riza has already found paperwork to replace what the elephant destroyed…"
As if on cue, Riza appeared, face hidden by a huge stack of papers. Dumping them in Roy's arms, she 'suggested' that since his office was currently unavailable, he find some out-of-the-way place in which to sign them.
Roy stood there for a second as Riza walked away, then plonked himself down in the middle of the floor and, spreading the papers around him, dutifully began to sign them with a convenient crayon he found in his shirt pocket.
There was an awkward silence for a few minutes, then Al hesitantly spoke. "Um, Colonel… why are you wearing a miniskirt?"
Roy looked up from his paperwork and scowled. "Why don't you ask Fullmetal?" he growled.
"What does Nii-san have to do with it?"
"It's his fault. Therefore he can explain"
Later that day Al approached Roy, who was still lying on the floor, though he seemed to have begun doodling on the paperwork rather than signing it. Reflecting that Roy's drawings were even worse than Ed's, Al knelt down beside Roy.
"I tried to talk to Nii-san about the miniskirt" Al said hesitantly. Roy looked up from a drawing of a tree a two year old would be ashamed of. "And?"
Al sighed. "I did my best, but…" Al shuddered at the memory. "He actually cackled"
This time it was Roy's turn to sigh. "Oh well. Thanks for trying."
'I'm cursed with a psycho-demonic boss' he thought miserably, while Al reflected that 'Nii-san is so evil…'
They both sighed again.
Just then, the object of their thoughts walked into the room. He was doing his best to carry a box of what looked like vodka with one arm, and he had a particularly evil expression on his face.
"Ok everybody. Since nobody will tell me where my arm is, we're going to play a little game of truth or dare. With vodka."
Everybody stared at him. It was almost possible to hear them thinking 'Does he seriously think that's gonna help him find his arm?' There was silence. Then Roy muttered "Just a normal office…"
Riza glared at him. Ed handed her a bottle. "Have a drink"
"Thank you, but I don't drink alcohol" Riza politely tried to hand the bottle back.
"I order you to drink it" Ed said triumphantly
Riza paled. "What?"
Ed ignored her and went to give everyone else a bottle. Riza vowed that she would get her revenge somehow, then downed the entire contents of the bottle.
"Ok everyone, who's first?" asked Ed
"I'll go first" volunteered Captain Thomas.
"Fine. Go"
"Colonel, truth or dare"
Roy smirked. "Dare" He took a swig of vodka.
"I dare you to…" Capt. Thomas pulled out a CD. "Do a strip-show on the desk while singing along to this"
"Ok then" Roy took another sip of his drink then climbed up onto a desk. This was far more interesting than paperwork.
Capt. Thomas put the CD on. "You ready?"
"Of course"
The song started. Roy sang along. "I'm too sexy for my shirt…" he sang as he danced around on the table, slowly removing his clothes. Somebody wolf-whistled.
When the end of the song came, Roy was down to his underwear. (A/N: Sorry to all Roy fangirls out there… I know you wanted to see more) He climbed down off the table and began to collect his clothes.
When he was dressed, he turned to Riza. "Truth or dare"
Riza thought for a second, or tried to. The alcohol was already affecting her brain. "Dare"
Roy smiled sweetly. "I dare you to wear this" He pulled something from midair. Riza stared at what appeared to be a maid outfit. "No way…" she whispered.
"Yes way"
Riza grabbed it and stalked off, glaring at anything that dared to move. Two minutes later, she stalked back wearing the tiny dress. She'd strapped her gun holsters around her waist from sheer habit. Roy whistled. "Looking good, Riza"
She shot him a look that clearly said "Another word and I will not hesitate to castrate you"
Havoc stared at her. His jaw dropped. Then, as if in a dream, he moved toward her and kissed her. Coming to his senses, he moved away and prepared to die. Instead, he nearly died of shock when Riza pounced on him and returned the kiss.
"Ah-hem"
Riza fixed Ed with a death glare for interrupting so rudely. "What?" she growled.
"You have to ask someone 'truth or dare'" he reminded her.
"Fine, Edward, truth or dare?"
"Dare"
"Drink two litres of milk in one go" Riza called over her shoulder as she and Havoc walked off into an imaginary sunset.
"What! No way!" Ed yelled.
Everyone rounded on him. A bottle of milk was put in his hand. Everything went dark and a horrified scream was all that could be heard.
Ed wiped a tiny stream of milk off his face, glaring at everyone. Just then, Armstrong appeared, saying something about the wonderful truth or dare technique passed down through generations of Armstrongs. Pink sparkles flew everywhere.
Ed smirked evilly. "Ah, Armstrong, you're just in time. Truth or dare?"
"Dare" boomed Armstrong.
"I dare you to tell me everything you know about the disappearance of my arm!"
Armstrong's pink sparkles dropped to the ground. "That's not a dare…" He saw Ed's expression and shrugged. "I saw Winry carrying it. She said she was going to Rush Valley and borrowed it for her portfolio. There should be a note on your desk"
Ed fumed.
Armstrong's sparkles recovered. "Fuery! Truth or dare!"
Fuery subconsciously backed away. "…Dare"
"I dare you to kiss Sheska!"
Fuery tentatively did so. Armstrong started going on about the miracles of love, completely forgetting it was a dare.
Next Falman chose 'dare'. Fuery, from sheer lack of a better idea, dared him to wear his own underwear on his head. Falman went off to the bathroom and came back wearing a pair of boxers patterned with pink hearts on his head. Everyone burst out laughing.
Falman tore them off his head and rushed back to the bathroom. When he came back he looked around the room, trying to decide who to choose. His eye fell on Roy. "Al, truth or dare?" he asked thoughtfully
"Dare" Al said slowly. He had hoped to be left out of this.
"I dare you to pash the Colonel"
Al blushed. "W-what? But we're both guys!"
Roy glared at Falman. Ed stopped spazzing about the loss of his arm and glared at Roy.
"Hey, don't glare at me" Roy protested. "It's not my fault"
His protest was stopped by Al pressing his lips against his own. Roy gasped. His mind stopped working properly, but this was different from the time when Capt. Thomas had kissed him. Roy's whole mind was now focused on Al and the kiss. Roy couldn't control himself. He reached up and tangled his fingers in Al's hair, pulling him closer, and the same time running his tongue along the other man's lips. Al sighed, parting his lips slightly. Roy took this as permission to deepen the kiss.
Several yaoi fangirls appeared from nowhere and squealed ecstatically.
Suddenly Roy felt a sharp pain in his head, and found himself kissing the ground. Several people tried desperately to restrain Ed.
"You bastard! You stay away from Al! I won't have you messing around with him! You, you -"
"Nii-san!"
"- bastard! I'm gonna kill you if you – huh?"
"Nii-san" Al begged, holding him back. "Please calm down"
"But the bastard kissed you!"
"No, I kissed him"
"But -"
Al dragged Ed outside. "Nii-san, I…" He blushed. "I love him"
"The bastard shouldn't be kissing you, that's sexual harra – what did you say!"
"I love him"
"No, he's not good enough for you!"
"Nii-san, please!"
Ed opened his mouth to continue arguing, looked at Al's pleading eyes, and sighed. "…How long?"
Al stared at the ground. "Four years" he said quietly. "Nii-san, I'm 18 now. You don't have to protect me"
Ed sighed again. "Don't I? But you are my little brother"
"And I always will be. But you need to trust me to make my own decisions"
"But what if he breaks your heart?"
"I'll be fine, Nii-san. I always have been"
They walked back into the building together. Ed glared at Roy. "If you hurt him, I'm gonna kill you" he warned.
Roy looked up from the charcoal corpses of the yaoi fangirls. He smirked. "Does that mean I have your permission to date your brother?"
"…Yes" Ed said in a strangled voice.
Roy's expression turned serious. "I promise you that I'd rather die than hurt him"
Ed nodded, slightly appeased. Roy may be a bastard, but he was not a liar.
Somewhere in another universe:
Roy turned to Al. "Will you be my girlfriend?" he asked. There was dead silence in the room. Then… "What!" Ed screamed, before he pounded Roy to a bloody pulp on the floor.
Roy turned to Al. "Will you go out with me?" he asked
"Yes" Al said shyly.
Meanwhile, Ed was busy ordering some random unfortunate person to tie him up before he snapped.
Well, this is the second-last chapter. It's the longest one yet! -Author is so proud of herself-
As always, please try to give me helpful reviews if at all possible.
