Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion/Shin Seiki Evangelion, Girlfriend of Steel, and all related concepts and characters are the property of Gainax, Project EVA, Movic, AD Vision, Manga Entertainment, and other copyright owners and are used without permission.
Promises
Chapter Three: Don't Hate Me Because I Love You
- - - - -
Shinji gritted his teeth and bit back a scream as he grasped the handles of the entry plug's emergency hatch and pulled. The superheated metal blistered his hands through the material of his plug suit; he ignored the pain lancing up his arms and kept straining against the levers until they finally gave way and the seals unlocked themselves with a faint hiss. He flung open the half-melted hatch with a surge of strength fuelled by desperation.
A blast of steam seared his lungs as it billowed out to greet him. He flinched and turned his head, raising his arm in front of him in a futile attempt to ward off the heat. His gaze briefly fell upon the twisted remains of the girl's Evangelion and the heat shield it had carried, grisly reminders of the devastating caress of the Angel's particle beam. Shinji gulped and, steeling himself, looked back into the open hatchway.
He could barely make out the pilot's form, slumped motionless over her controls, in the ruddy glow of the emergency lights. He called her name and stepped inside the plug, ignoring the burning pain in his legs as he waded through the scalding shin-deep pool of LCL. He was at her side in an instant, cradling her head and brushing away her close-cropped hair from her forehead as he gently lifted her face...
... only to stare into Mana's dull, lifeless gray eyes.
Shinji screamed as his eyes snapped open. He bolted upright in his bed and looked about frantically in the darkness of his room before he finally got his bearings and sank back down onto his pillow. For a few minutes his ragged breathing was the only sound he heard in the darkness until a gentle knock came from his door.
"Shinji...?" mumbled a sleepy feminine voice from the other side. "You 'kay?"
A long pause hung in the air.
"Shinji?" the voice repeated worriedly.
"I'm fine," the boy finally mumbled.
He barely heard a faint sigh of relief. "You sure?" the voice asked.
"Yes, I'm sure, Misato. Thanks."
"Ask him if he wants a teddy bear too," grumbled another voice from the hallway.
"Go back to bed, Asuka," Misato said firmly.
Shinji thought he heard the redhead mutter something as she returned to her room.
There was a brief pause. "Well," Misato said gently, "if you're sure, I guess I'll see you in the morning."
Shinji didn't bother to answer; he stared at his darkened ceiling for a long time after his guardian's footsteps faded down the hallway. He tossed fitfully on his mattress for what seemed like hours, but sleep hovered tantalizingly out of his reach as a host of possibilities and 'what ifs' ran through his mind.
When sleep finally claimed him sometime before dawn, it brought him little comfort.
- - - - -
"Shinji... don't bother me with insignificant details."
A cold click sounded in the Third Child's ear as the phone call abruptly ended. Slowly, he lowered the pay phone's receiver and stared at it silently for a minute before he set it down on its hook. With a frustrated sigh, the boy jammed his hands into his pockets and sullenly shuffled down the street.
Is it so wrong to keep Mana from going through what I did? Shinji thought to himself as he kept his eyes glued to the sidewalk. Are you that selfish, Father?
Shinji sighed and shook his head bitterly. He already knew the answer—not that it surprised him. His father always seemed too busy running NERV to think about anything but himself.
The troubled boy's blood froze when one thought crossed his mind:
He didn't feel the same way about Mother, did he?
Shinji considered that for a second and, as absurd as it sounded, it seemed to make sense. Why else would he have let her conduct the activation experiment? If he knew the risks involved with the test, and he had loved her as much as he said, why didn't he try and stop her? Why—?
The deafening blare of a car horn snapped Shinji back to reality. With a start and a strangled cry he stumbled backward, tripped over the curb, and landed on his backside on the sidewalk. He picked himself up off the concrete as the driver of the car he had walked in front of glared at him before speeding off with a muffled curse.
"Yo, Shinji! You okay, man?" called someone from behind him.
Shinji turned toward the voice and barely managed to nod before Touji ran up to him and smacked him firmly on the back of the head. "Whaddya think you were doing, you numbskull?" the tall boy yelled as he waved his hand in the general direction of the crossing lights. "Did you go color-blind all of a sudden?"
"Sorry. I've got a lot on my mind. I don't want to talk about it."
Touji snorted as the light turned green. "Sure, whatever," he muttered.
The rest of the trip to school was quiet and relatively uneventful; Shinji silently walked down the street and kept staring at the ground while Touji uneasily gave his gloomy friend a wide berth. It wasn't until they reached the school grounds before the taller boy finally spoke up.
"So...?" he prompted.
"What?" Shinji mumbled.
"So what happened?"
"I said I don't want to talk about it."
"Not that, you twit," Touji said with a hopeful grin as he opened the front door of the school. "I'm talking about yesterday!"
As Shinji made his way through the crowd of students in the lobby, he let out an exasperated sigh that was quickly swallowed up by the din that only several dozen socializing teenagers could make. "Sorry, Touji," he apologized, "but I'm not going to tell you."
"What!?" exclaimed Touji. "Whaddya mean by that?"
Shinji looked to the ceiling before slowly shaking his head with a sigh. "I don't think it's right to kiss and tell—"
"Aha!" Touji shouted triumphantly. "So you did kiss her! I knew it!"
"No! It's just an expression—"
"Come on! Let's hear it!" Touji urged excitedly. "What happened? How far didya get? First base? Second?"
"NO!"
He clapped Shinji on the shoulder. "You mean you did it, you stud?"
"For crying out loud, Touji," Shinji cried in exasperation, "she's not that kind of girl!"
Silence smothered the locker area like a blanket as all conversation suddenly ground to a screeching halt. Shinji gulped and fidgeted uncomfortably as he felt everyone's eyes on him. A long, pregnant pause hung in the air.
"So you struck out then, huh?"
The roar of laughter in response to Touji's question followed Shinji down the hall as he hung his head in embarrassment and made his way to the relative safety of the classroom.
- - - - -
"I think," Mana announced in an uneasy voice, "I'm going... to be... sick."
Ritsuko shook her head without looking up from her clipboard. "I told you it wasn't going to taste good the other day, remember?" she called to the girl's image on the gigantic holographic image hanging above the control room.
The expression on Mana's face clearly showed her disgust. "I never thought it would be this nasty."
"Just relax and try to concentrate, Mana," she replied. "You'll get used to it."
"Thanks, Doctor," the brunette replied politely. "I hope so." Her voice, however, didn't sound too convinced.
Misato watched Mana's face with a slight hint of amusement. "Look at it this way," she said reassuringly, "at least you got out of doing your assignments tonight."
"No offence, Misato, but right now I'd rather take the homework."
The violet-haired woman chuckled. "None taken. Just hang in there a little longer and try not to ruin the upholstery."
Mana nodded and closed her eyes. Soon the only things that could be heard in the room were the air conditioning's faint hum and the steady beep of the monitoring equipment. Seconds seemed to drag into hours in the quiet of the room until a sudden clacking of keys came from Maya's console. "It looks like we've got a good set of data here," the petite technician announced as the numbers started scrolling up her screen. "Take a look."
Ritsuko walked across the room and bent over the brunette's shoulder to get a better view of her monitor. "Her synch ratio's not bad for a first try," she said, nodding in approval. "Still, I don't think Asuka's got anything to worry about yet." She turned to the other technician sitting next to Maya. "How's she doing?"
The readout on Hyuga's screen reflected dully off the lenses of his glasses as he looked at his monitor. "Her pulse is a little high, but that's normal under the circumstances I guess. Other than that, everything's normal."
"So far, so good," Ritsuko murmured as a slight smile tugged at her lips. "How long will it take to upload the data into Balthasar?"
"Ten minutes, maybe less," replied Maya. "Then of course it'll take at least half an hour or so for processing and analysis."
The blonde allowed herself a small smile. "I think we've earned ourselves a break then." She turned to the girl's image hanging overhead. "We're done for now, Mana," she announced. "Good job. How are you feeling?"
The Fourth Child opened her eyes with a relieved look on her face. "Not too bad, but I'll feel a lot better once I get out of this stuff."
"Understood," Ritsuko replied. "We're running another batch of tests at 1700, so don't wander too far."
Mana smiled slightly. "Got it. Thanks, Doctor."
Misato glanced at the time displayed on one of the monitors in front of her. "Hey, you know," she said with a grin and a sly wink, "if you hurry you can probably catch Shinji before he leaves school."
The smile on the young pilot's face widened just before her image disappeared from the display.
Ritsuko, unfortunately, didn't share the girl's enthusiasm. She beckoned Misato over to her as the technicians began to file out of the control room, then waited for everyone else to leave before she folded her arms in front of her and glared at her old friend. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she growled.
Misato blinked. "What do you mean?" she asked innocently.
Anger flashed in Ritsuko's eyes. "You know damn well what I'm talking about," she said evenly.
Misato dismissed her colleague's comment with a shrug. "You worry too much, Ritsu. So they've been on a date. It doesn't mean they're going to run off and elope or something."
"All I'm saying is that you're forgetting where your real responsibilities lie. Our job is to keep Mankind safe from the Angels, not to play matchmaker."
"I'm just making the best of the situation."
"You know what I mean," Ritsuko snapped.
Misato's eyes narrowed slightly. "Since when was it a crime to look after Shinji's best interests?"
The blonde glared back at Misato. "Ever since it had a chance to interfere with our mission. You of all people should know that."
"So..." the indigo-haired woman said coolly as she arched an eyebrow, "you're telling me not to complicate things, then."
"Things are complicated enough already." Ritsuko huffed and looked up at the ceiling. "I can just see one of them doing something stupid and putting us all in jeopardy if the other gets in over their head." Her eyes narrowed as she glared at Misato again. "We can't afford to put everything at risk because of raging hormones, and the last thing we need is for you to encourage them!"
"And I'm saying that we can't stop them even if we try," Misato retorted, her voice turning shrill with anger. "For God's sake, they're kids, not machines! If you're so worried about emotions getting in the way of things then maybe you should get off your ass and finish developing the dummy plug system!"
Ritsuko's nostrils flared as she glowered at Misato. "Don't you dare tell me how to do my job, Major," she snarled back through gritted teeth.
Misato opened her mouth to say something before she thought better of it and closed it with a snap. "Sorry, Ritsu," she said after a few moments. "That was uncalled for." She smiled wanly after a long, uneasy pause. "Truce?"
Ritsuko regarded Misato warily for a minute before her shoulders sagged as she let out a breath and allowed the tension drain out of her. She wearily nodded her head and began collecting her papers. "I guess I've forgotten what it was like when I was that age," she remarked with a sigh
"I'd rather forget what I was like," Misato replied darkly.
Ritsuko tucked her clipboard under her arm, then opened the door and waited for Misato to step out of the room before she let it close behind her. "You know," the blonde said as she fell into step beside her college friend, "you almost seemed like a real mother for a bit there."
Misato groaned and raised her eyes to the ceiling. "Some days I feel old enough to be one with both of those kids under my roof."
"Well, don't come crying to me. You volunteered."
"Don't remind me," Misato muttered.
Ritsuko gave her colleague a soft, sympathetic chuckle. "Tell you what—why don't you tell me all about raising your perfect little family after you buy us lunch?"
Misato stopped in her tracks and stared at Ritsuko. "I'm buying?" she asked incredulously.
"Oh, stop being so cheap. Call it a concession for our little cease-fire."
"Why me?" protested Misato.
"Simple," the blonde replied with a faint smile on her lips. "You apologized first."
- - - - -
Shimmering waves of heat rose from the pavement while the afternoon sun played hide and seek among the handful of clouds that marred the otherwise flawless sapphire sky overhead. Unfortunately, neither the warmth of the sun on Shinji's face nor fact that school was finally over for another day lifted his spirits as he trudged along the sidewalk.
Asuka certainly hadn't helped. Ever since the beginning of the week the redhead had gleefully spread wild stories about Shinji's date to whoever cared to listen—and there was certainly no lack of interest. It was all wild speculation, of course, but Shinji kept quiet about the whole thing, answering the inevitable storm of questions with simple silence in the hopes that everything would eventually die down. To his chagrin, all that did was create wilder, juicier gossip about him and Mana as time went on. The rumor mill was funny that way.
As he half-heartedly shuffled down the street on his way to the train that would take him to headquarters for another round of testing, his thoughts lingered on something else entirely.
Mana. A pilot. The thought of that—or rather, the thought of what might happen to her—worried him more than anything.
He never noticed the two people behind him until he felt a hand clamp down firmly on his shoulder. Startled, Shinji jumped and let out a loud yelp.
"Oh hey, sorry Shinji," apologized Kensuke as he jerked his hand away.
"No problem." The pilot managed shove his troubled thoughts aside enough to give his friend a weak smile. "When did you get back from New Yokosuka?"
"This afternoon." Kensuke's eyes shone with enthusiasm from behind his glasses. "You should've been there. She was beautiful."
"She?" Shinji asked before he nodded his head in sudden understanding. "Oh right, that battleship you went to see."
"Yup." Kensuke's smile widened as he affectionately patted his camera bag. "Got all the footage right here. Nine fifteen-inch 50-caliber guns, six Vulcan cannons, eighteen surface-to-surface missile tubes and twelve cruise missile launchers all packed into a sleek frame that can do 40 knots—"
"That Shinji can turn into scrap just like that," laughed Touji with a snap of his fingers.
Kensuke groaned. "Man, you really know how to hurt a guy."
The tall athletic boy smirked. "It's a gift. Hey Shinji," he said as he turned to his other friend, "We're heading down to the arcade to try that new street racing game later. You coming?"
Shinji shook his head. "Sorry guys, I can't."
Touji's grin grew wider. "You lucky dog," he said. "Off to NERV to see Kirishima again, huh?"
Shinji simply grunted bitterly as he turned around and trudged down the street again.
Kensuke glanced worriedly at Touji. "What's eating him?" he asked, nodding at the pilot a few steps in front of them.
"Aw, he's just down 'cause Kirishima's been away from class the last few days." Touji shook his head and heaved a melodramatic sigh. "And after all the hot lovin' he got from her on their date, too."
Shinji bristled at his friend's remark. "It wasn't like that," he said evenly.
"Hey, what else am I supposed to think?" Touji demanded. "You won't tell me what happened, so all I have is what your demon roommate's been saying."
"And I keep telling you it's no one's business."
"Fine, fine." Touji raised his hands in front of him in a placating gesture. "Geeze, some friend you are," he grumbled. "Now how am I supposed to know what to do when I get a girlfriend of my own?"
Shinji stopped and spun around to look at Touji's smirking face. "It was one date," he protested. "That doesn't make her my girlfriend."
"…Yet." The taller boy interjected. "Hey, deny it all you want dude, but you'll be asking me to be you best man before you know it."
Shinji threw his hands in the air and walked down the street again, muttering.
Kensuke quickly fell into step beside him. "So," he said, trying to change the subject, "I hear Unit 03's already in Japan."
Shinji looked at his friend and blinked. "Unit 03?" he echoed.
"Yeah, the one they built in America. I hear it arrived at Matsushiro a few days ago." The brown-haired boy tilted his head quizzically at Shinji. "You mean you didn't know?"
"Misato never told me."
"I guess that's why they needed another pilot," Kensuke mused. "Kirishima's one lucky girl," he sighed with a touch of envy in his voice.
Shinji's gaze quickly returned to the sidewalk. "If you say so."
"I suppose Misato never told you about Unit 04 either, huh?"
Shinji shook his head.
"My dad said it disappeared along with the entire Second Branch. His section's been working overtime to try and figure out what went wrong."
"Did they say what happened?"
Kensuke shrugged. "Dunno. My dad says they were probably doing some sort of test."
Shinji stiffened as anxiety gnawed at his thoughts again. "Did they say what kind of test they were doing?" he asked uneasily.
"Not exactly. It might have been an activation test of the new S2 engine." The sandy-haired boy stuck his hands in his pockets and regarded Shinji for a moment. "You're worried about Kirishima, aren't you," he said; it was more of a statement than a question.
Shinji gaped, taken aback by his friend's sudden accusation, before he regained his composure and simply shrugged.
"You wouldn't be so concerned unless you care about her, right?"
A long, awkward silence hung in the air before Shinji finally mumbled, "Maybe."
Kensuke smirked and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "You're an awful liar, you know that?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yeah, right," Touji remarked. "I've been watching you. You've been staring at her desk more than Ayanami looks out the window."
Shinji thought about that for a moment. "I guess," he finally said as he felt his cheeks grow warm.
Kensuke laughed and playfully slapped Shinji on the back. "Looks like the world's lost another bachelor," he quipped as he grinned at Touji.
Shinji groaned and rolled his eyes. "Cut it out, Kensuke."
"Sorry. Couldn't resist. With all the rumors flying around about the two of you—"
"Hey," Touji interrupted as he glanced up the street, "speak of the devil."
Kensuke and Shinji followed his gaze to see Mana running down the sidewalk toward them, waving. Touji nudged Kensuke and flashed him an 'I told you so' look.
"Mana?!" Shinji exclaimed, puzzled, as she stopped in front of him. "What are you doing here?"
"They let me out for good behavior," the brunette replied, beaming.
Shinji raised a confused eyebrow.
Mana giggled. "Seriously, I don't have another test until five, so I thought I'd come and keep you company." She looked at Touji and Kensuke. "If that's all right, that is."
A knowing grin spread over Touji's face. "Sure, Kirishima," he sniggered, "just don't wear him out too much."
Kensuke elbowed him in the ribs.
Mana's eyes narrowed suspiciously as they flicked between Shinji and Touji. "Okay, what's going on?" she demanded.
"Oh, don't mind Touji, Kirishima," Kensuke said apologetically. "He's just being a jerk because Shinji won't tell him what happened on your date."
"Hey!" Touji protested.
Mana placed her hands on her hips and glared at the tall boy's tanned face. "Suzuhara!" she said sternly. "What happened between me and Shinji on our date isn't really your business!"
"Um... yeah, well... I know, but..." Touji's face went crimson as he took a step back from the scowling girl and guiltily stared at his shoes.
"But," Mana said with a twinkle in her grey eyes as she smiled wickedly and stepped up to Touji, "since you wanted to know so much..."
She whispered something in Touji's ear; after a few seconds the boy's eyes widened with shock while his face turned an even deeper shade of red. Satisfied, the brunette stepped away from him and grabbed Shinji's hand. "That was very sweet of you to protect my honor like that, Shinji," she said, smiling. "Now come on. We mustn't keep anyone waiting."
Shinji glanced back at his friends as Mana led him away. The two boys simply stood there in the middle of the sidewalk; Kensuke looked first at Mana, then at Touji, then back to Mana again with a confused look on his face. Touji, on the other hand, stared at the pilots as if they had both suddenly sprouted an extra set of arms.
"There," the gray-eyed girl murmured into Shinji's ear as they walked away. "That should keep him out of your hair for a while."
"What on earth did you say to him?"
Mana smiled mysteriously. "Never mind. A girl's got to have some secrets."
- - - - -
The train was relatively empty when the two pilots stepped aboard, with the exception of a dozen or so lucky people who managed to get off work early. Mana led Shinji to an empty seat and waited for him to sit next to the window before she flopped down beside him. "Whew!" she breathed as she sank back against the padded seat and stifled a yawn. "Synchronization and harmonization tests, combat footage review... I'm bushed." she closed her eyes with a groan. "Does it ever get any easier, Shinji?"
There was no response from the boy sitting beside her. Curious, Mana opened one eye, then the other. She turned her head and saw Shinji sitting quietly, his eyes focused on some invisible spot on the back of the seat in front of them.
"Hel-lo!" the brunette called as she waved her hand in front of the pilot's eyes, then barely held back a giggle when he jumped as his mind was jerked back to reality. "I guess I'm not the only one who's tired," she said with a bemused look on her face.
Her smile disappeared when Shinji didn't answer. "Did I say something wrong?" she asked.
Shinji avoided her gaze. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I've got a lot of things on my mind."
Mana nodded. "Want to talk about it?" she asked as she gently placed her hand on his.
The boy couldn't help but blush at her touch. "I... I don't think you want to hear it," he stammered.
"Try me."
Shinji moved his hand out from Mana's grasp and absently rubbed his sweaty palms on the legs of his trousers. "I..." he said before his voice faltered. Hesitantly, the boy cleared his throat and tried again. "Mana... I'm sorry," he finally whispered.
The brunette's brow creased in concern. "Sorry?" she asked. "What do you have to be sorry for?"
Shinji looked at her puzzled face for a second before he turned his head away and stared at the back of the seat in front of him again. "I've been thinking..." he said softly, "and… and I don't think it's a good idea for us to see each other anymore."
Mana gasped; her eyes widened as her stomach suddenly twisted itself into a knot. "Shinji..." she asked in a hushed voice, "why?" Her eyes flitted about as she frantically racked her brain, searching for a reason behind Shinji's sudden change of heart. "Is it something I did? If it is, I'm—"
The boy shook his head. "No, it's not you."
"Oh," she said after a moment. "So… you don't like me like that anymore? I thought that after our date we..." Her words trailed off as she found she couldn't complete the sentence.
Shinji smiled weakly. "No, Mana," he said. "I..." He cleared his throat again and let out a breath. "I... I do like you. A lot."
Unfortunately, his confession didn't raise either teen's spirits.
"Then what's the problem?" she asked. "I think I deserve to know why."
Shinji shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "The thing is..." he mumbled, "…it's because you're a pilot."
Mana blinked and parted her lips involuntarily as confusion quickly replaced her anxiety. "What's that supposed to mean?" she asked. "Is there something in the regulations that says NERV personnel can't date?"
"Well, no."
"Then I don't see—"
Shinji sighed. "Piloting an Eva isn't all fun and games, Mana. It brings pain and suffering to everyone around you. And," he continued as he looked meaningfully into her eyes, "you can get hurt or... or worse."
Mana placed her hand on his shoulder. "Shinji," she said gently, "Misato explained everything to me on my first day of training. I know the risks."
"And you still said yes?" Shinji asked, stunned.
The brunette nodded. "Have you ever felt so strongly about something that you'd do everything you could to do it, no matter what?"
Shinji looked at her and shook his head.
"You wouldn't understand, then," Mana said with a small sigh, "but that's what I feel about being a pilot."
"But you could get killed!"
"I'm doing what I think is right," she replied with a determined gleam in her eyes.
"But if something happened to you, I..." His voice trailed off as he considered the unthinkable again.
Mana smiled at him. "If it makes you feel any better, I'll worry about you too."
"But," Shinji blurted, "I even called my father to ask him to take you off the roster—"
The brunette interrupted the boy with a shocked gasp as the color drained from her face. "You did what?" she asked in a horrified whisper.
Shinji stared down at his feet and tried to say something, but Mana cut short his feeble reply.
"Shinji, did you even think of asking me how I feel about everything?" The girl's anger grew with every clack of the train's wheels against the track beneath them. "How could you be so... so..." She stuttered and waved her hands as she struggled to come up with the right word. "Selfish!?"
Shinji winced as the word he had used to describe his father earlier that day was thrown back in his face. "It doesn't matter," he said defensively. "He wouldn't listen—"
"That's not the point!" Mana cried, ignoring the curious looks of the other passengers as they looked her way.
There was a long silence between the two teens as the train came to a halt with a slight lurch. Mana slumped against the seat, her anger spent, and looked sadly at the boy beside her while another bunch of passengers boarded the car and milled around them. She swallowed as hard as she could, but the lump that had suddenly appeared in her throat refused to go away. "Shinji..." she whispered in a thick, quavering voice, "if you really... I mean..." she gulped again and blinked her suddenly moist eyes. "If that's how you really feel, then... then I think we both need to think about this more..."
Without another word, she bolted from her seat and recklessly shoved her way through the now crowded train, raising more than a few surprised and angry shouts from the other passengers she left in her wake. Shinji called after her, but she ignored him and darted out onto the platform a split second before the doors slid closed behind her. He stared out the window and watched helplessly as she disappeared into the crowd moments before the train pulled away from the station.
- - - - -
CONTINUED...
- - - - -
Author's Notes (08-18-2004)
Thought I'd gone and disappeared, did you? You won't get rid of me that easily! :P
My apologies for the slowdown. This chapter has been the most challenging part of the revision so far, and took quite a while to actually nail down for some reason. Real-life stuff and a not-so-healthy dose of writers' block didn't help things, either. I hope it was worth the wait.
But I think I've finally figured out the formatting. Third time's the charm, they say.
Once again, a big thank-you goes to 'notime' and 'chewy' for their prereading and feedback, and to you readers for… well, reading.
