Crimson Puddles
"I think I'm broken, Catherine. I-I just d-don't know what to do anymore."
"You don't have to know what to do, Nick."
"Yeah, that's easy for you to say. I just can't do it…"
"Do what?" Catherine questioned, silently praying that he would open up; she just wasn't sure how bad the situation really was. A sinking suspicion in her gut told her that this would undoubtedly get ugly soon. Then deal with. He needs help, and you're the one he needs right now, so just get over your fear of really finding out how bad this problem is, and help him. Just focus on what's important…
"I can't get past any of it. I-I can hardly even remember the last time I've f-f-fallen asleep and n-not had n-nightmares, and I'm t-talking a-about years."
"W-why didn't you say anything?"
"Yeah, and have everyone treat me like I might break at any moment? Just let them all know that I'm just another incompetent, useless failure?"
Catherine was beyond speechless. She found herself automatically replaying various conversations she had had with the younger man who was still clinging to her. Thoughts were flying haphazardly through her mind as she felt her shirt begin to dampen. We'll never even know how hard any of this has been for you. We'll never understand how you managed to keep your cool on so many cases, how you managed to hide it from us…
No matter how hard he tried he couldn't make the tears stop. His mind told him to let her go, to stop being a baby and to move on, but his arms wouldn't listen. Great, now she'll know just how pathetic you are. Why can't I just get over this stuff like everyone else? I just want it to be over… He waited for her to say something, anything, but he was only greeted by the sound of her unsteady, nervous breathing. I was right; she would've said something by now if I had been wrong…
"I tried so hard to move on, but I can't. I've been so close to dying so often that I'm afraid of almost everything. The dark, bright lights, enclosed spaces, open spaces, being alone, being with people… I just can't do it. I'm sick of life not making the slightest bit of sense, I'm sick of the guilt that other people have been hurt and killed because I didn't do something about it. How many other little boys had to go through hell because I was too scared to say anything? How many people died because I made another mistake?"
"No one has died because of you Nick. No little boys got hurt because you didn't speak up. I won't say no one got hurt or that no one died because I know better, but it is not your fault. You didn't kill Jane Galloway, you didn't molest any kids, and you didn't kill Morris Pearson. It wasn't your choice, Nick. Nigel Crane killed those people, that damn babysitter hurt you, and maybe someone else. Walter Gordon and his daughter killed themselves, you never did that to them. You don't have to live in guilt, Nick; just let us help you."
"I-I don't know how."
"We don't have to know how, Nick. Trust me, it'll happen; I'll make sure it happens."
"Th-thanks, Catherine. I-it means a lot." Nick whispered hoarsely as he clung a bit tighter to Catherine. She gave him a final squeeze before pulling back, and taking a handkerchief from her pocket. It wasn't long before she had wiped the tears from his eyes, and another soft smile came when she noticed that Nick didn't seem quite as pale as he had before.
"It's going to be ok, Nick. I know there is a lot that you're scared of, and rightfully so. Hell, we're all scared, but that doesn't mean we can't get past those fears."
"Do you think things will ever change?"
"I guess that depends on what things you're talking about."
"My luck, I suppose." He answered, his voice reduced to a whisper.
"You've definitely had it harder than the rest of us, but I have a feeling things are going to get better. Call it a mother's intuition."
Nick let out a weak chuckle, "My mom says that a lot. Then again, she has a tendency to be right about a lot of things, so I guess it's a valid point."
"Yeah, it is." Catherine responded while helping Nick settle back against the pillow.
"You think I'll ever be able to walk again? I don't think I could keep going if I was stuck in a wheelchair. I don't know what I'd do."
"Hey, don't worry about it now, Nick. I know it has to be hard not to think about it, but it's just too soon to really tell. You'll be starting physical therapy soon, the doctor sounds hopeful, and you're definitely strong. Just- even if you can't walk… Life won't end. But, you want to know something? It doesn't matter. We'll all still love you. You'll still be Nick Stokes; you'll still have your heart. And, you'll always have us."
"Hey, I didn't expect to find you in a place like this."
"I am human, Greg, and every once in a while I do go out for some drinks."
"I… uh, I'm sorry, you're right. I guess I'm just on edge right now. Everyone has been so irascible, I guess I didn't even realize I was being the same way."
Hodges sighed quietly before mustering enough energy to respond, "It's ok. I… it's just hard. God, I'm barely his friend, and pushing him around in that wheelchair broke my heart. I've never seen anyone like that before. I can't imagine how hard this has got to be for all of you."
"It is hard, but Nick is the one who is really going through hell right now. I'd be willing to bet however bad we feel even if it was a hundred times worse… I bet he'd still be hurting more than that. Just so long as we're here for him."
"He, uh, talked about a lot of things. Told me some stuff about you guys; I knew your team was close, but I had no idea."
"No idea of what? What did Nick say?" Greg asked in confusion.
"O, uh, heh, see, the thing is… I'm not sure he really knew that he was actually, uh, talking. He was saying all sorts of things. Mostly about being lost, or something. Then he just started talking about you guys…"
"Hopefully good things."
"Uh, I guess they were good… just scary too."
"Like… what?" He couldn't hide the confusion in his voice, and he felt his stomach turning slightly at what Nick could've said that was scary.
"Sorry, I'm just not sure how much I should say. I mean, I kinda doubt he wanted me to know any of it." He sighed and slowly shook his head, "What the hell. He went off on all of you. Started talking about Warrick and him being best friends, brothers, how Warrick never let him down, and what that meant to him. Then he talked about how he could tell Catherine anything, and told me something he told only her that I wouldn't dream of repeating. Next was Sara. He said a lot about how she was so strong, something he admired about her, and that he wished he had been stronger. Then, well, then he talked about you. Said you were going to be one hell of a CSI, and that he wished he had been able to help you out more, and that you were a good friend."
"Wow…"
"Yeah, then he went off on how he wouldn't have made it a week without you guys being there for him. I have to say that I was a bit more than touched."
"Jesus… he never even told us how much he was really hurting. I guess I just assumed he was doing better about last summer by now; obviously, I was really wrong."
"I think everyone was wrong, but you guys were apparently still there for him, even if you didn't realize it. Just the way he talked about you; he thinks of you as family."
"We are. Well, to some extent this whole lab is a family. Hey, wait a second, you said he talked about all of us, what about Grissom?"
"Uh, well, let's just say Nick isn't too confident on how Grissom views him or his work. I… I can't say anymore though, he probably wouldn't have even wanted me to tell you what I have already, heck he probably doesn't even want me to know."
"It's ok, he won't here about this from me. Oh, and, uh, I guess I don't really need to tell you this, but if and when Nick comes back to work… help keep the gossip down; you know, don't let the techs run their mouths about how bad he's had it over the years. He doesn't need that, ya know?"
"Yeah, I'll put em in their place if I hear any of it. I promise. Damn, it got late fast, I better go, if I don't get some sleep I won't be able to keep my eyes open today." He finished as he checked his watch once more. "Good talking to you, Greg."
"You too Hodges, hope you can get some rest." Greg answered as he waved lazily. Because I sure as hell won't. Maybe I should talk to Grissom, just try to get him to talk to Nick about how he's feeling. Yeah right, and how would I explain how I knew what Nick was feeling, plus I don't need Nick being pissed at me or Hodges if he doesn't remember what he said…
"And, to what do I owe this surprise Doc?"
"Not now, Gil, I think we should talk about Nick."
"Ok, uh, go ahead." Grissom responded somewhat confused.
"Take it from someone who has gone through not being able to walk, this is going to be a hell of a time for him, probably worse than what I went through…"
"Huh."
"What?"
"Oh, sorry… It's just that I never even thought about it. I mean, I'm just surprised that I didn't even think about your, uh, legs, until now."
"I'd be annoyed if you had; it means you're focusing on the right person. Now, I still have trouble going into detail on what happened to me, but I can promise you that it wasn't easy to cope with. I was angry, and scared, and that was just from a car accident. That was the only really traumatizing event in my life at that point. In other words, Nick has to be feeling even more scared than I was, probably more angry too, and who knows what other emotions he's trying to cope with."
"H-how did you ever get past it?"
"I had people who loved me, Gil. Just like you guys all love Nick. I can't promise you anything, but if you're all there for him… well, they say all wounds heal; it just takes time and love."
"I just hope it isn't too late."
"There's only one way to find that out, Gil, and you know what you have to do."
"Yeah, I guess I do know. I keep finding myself wishing that this had never happened, and then I get furious with myself and tell myself that it did happen, that I can't change the past. I just… I just can't make myself really face him. I never could; even when Amy Hendler pulled a gun on him. All I did was ask if he was ok. Maybe I'm just scared…"
"Scared of what, Gil? Scared that he may not be as strong as you think he is, scared that he's stronger than you think he is, or are you scared of how bad things could be?"
"I don't know. I don't know how bad it is, I don't know how strong he is because of that, and I guess I'm afraid to find out. Afraid that I won't be able to handle it."
"My brother had the same problem. He didn't come to see me for weeks after my accident. And you want to know something, Gil? He told me later that he had never felt more guilty in his life for not coming to see me, especially since I didn't stay down, even without my legs. No matter what, there is nothing that will be harder for you than dealing with the fact that you could have helped him by talking to him, but didn't because you were afraid. Ask yourself this, how are you going to live with yourself if he gives up, and you didn't even try to help him?"
"I know I can't just make it all go away right this instant, Nick, but I want to help make it go away over time."
"I'm going to walk again."
Catherine looked at him, and was surprised to see the sudden look of pure determination and resolution on his face. I bet the last time he wore that expression he was pulling Lindsay through the woods. "Then I'll be right here, cheering you on."
She smiled as Nick let out a soft chuckle. "I just wish I could do it right now, but I guess I can make myself settle for some other time."
"Hey, I know you're still scared about what's going to happen, but it may make you feel better to know that Grissom recommended you for the position of Key CSI that opened up again. And, no, it wasn't out of pity. He may not say it Nick, but I know he's proud of you, just like the rest of us are. You're great at what you do, and you're a wonderful guy."
"I used to be better."
"I don't think that's possible, Nick. And even if it's true; you're still the greatest person I've ever had the joy of getting to be friends with, I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything. You're like a brother to me, Nick, and everything you've done for me, and Lindsey means more than you'll ever know."
"How can people hurt each other so much?"
"I don't really know, Nick. I'm not sure anyone knows. One of those mysteries in life."
"Yeah, seems like everything in my life is a mystery right now. I don't know what to do, how to do it, sometimes I don't even know why I should try."
"I do know one thing in your life that isn't a mystery."
"And what would that be?"
"You have a lot of friends and family that love you." She smiled and gently grabbed his hand.
"I-" Catherine watched as Nick began to cry. He looked like he was trying to say something, but no words were coming out. She certainly didn't expect for himself to grab hold of the bed railing with his left hand and tears came to her eyes when he winced in pain while pulling himself up into a sitting position. They sat facing each other as Nick tried to catch his breath. Tears began to fall when he finally managed to push himself into her and wrap his arms weakly around her.
"Nick…" was all she managed to say before wrapping her arms around him, and after a few careful movements she had readjusted their position so that Nick was more or less leaning on her for support to keep from falling back down.
"I thought you were just going out for a couple of drinks. It's been three hours, Warrick."
"I, uh, went to see Nick."
"How is he?"
"He's been better. His skin was still really pale, and he looked worn out, but we did get him to laugh a little bit before he fell asleep."
"Oh."
"What?" Warrick sighed deeply, "Don't tell me that you don't believe me."
Brass slowly stepped off the plane with his bag. He remembered the last time he had stepped off a plane at this airport. It isn't too late. It can't be too late. With a long sigh he began to make his way through the maze of people to the surprisingly short line of people waiting to rent a car.
Twenty minutes later he was standing in front of an old rickety door. The last time he had seen this door was when he had set a gift bag outside of it. Just do it. You didn't come all this way just to turn around now. Without realizing it his fist had gone up, and began to gently rap against the door.
As soon as the door swung open he found himself taking in the new appearance his 'daughter' had taken. Her hair was dark red, and her skin seemed unusually pale.
"What are you doing here?" Brass almost winced at her cruel sneer, but, after what had just happened over the past weeks to his friends, it hardly phased him.
"I came here to tell you a story about a friend of mine."
"And why should I care about your friend?"
"You should care because he's lying in a hospital bed right now, wondering if he'll ever walk again. You should care because I'm trying to tell you that there won't always be time to change; there won't always be time to go back and fix things before they get worse. There's still time now though. All I want you to do is listen to what I have to say. If you never want to see me again afterwards then fine, I'll find a way to deal with it, and I won't bother you again."
She sighed, and he thought he had seen her slightly roll her eyes before she stepped back and waved him in. Not long afterwards they were seated in two old chairs, facing each other.
"Lets get this over with."
"His name is Nick Stokes. He's a CSI back in Vegas. One of the best guys I know, but he's had a lot of shit happen to him over the years."
"Yeah, like what?" Ellie shot back incredulously.
"Well, about six years ago he had an emotionally distressed woman pull a gun on him. Then almost four years ago he had a stalker that pushed him out a second story window. The whole time the guy had been living in Nick's attic watching his every move. As if that wasn't enough last year he was buried alive. Then just four weeks ago, he got shot twice while saving a coworker's daughter from being kidnapped. After running a few miles, he gave himself up to save her, so they kidnapped him instead."
"Ok, so this guy's life has been a living hell, how is that supposed to affect me?"
"Are you happy, Ellie? I mean are you really happy living in this run down place? Are you really happy with your life?"
"It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does. Nick was lucky to make it through all those times; he might not be so lucky this time. You might not get a chance to change, to make yourself happy. I'm trying to tell you that I'm here to give you that chance before it's too late."
He clung to her for several minutes before he finally began to fall back down in exhaustion. Catherine gently lowered him back down, and offered a smile before running her hand softly through his short hair.
"What made you cut it?"
"I, uh, well, I realized I couldn't just run away from everything. I couldn't stop being Nick Stokes just by changing my appearance. I couldn't keep trying to hide; it was too hard."
"How are you feeling?"
Nick sighed before biting his lip, "Better, I guess. Beyond exhausted, but… I think I needed this a lot more than I realized."
"That's good. Just don't forget that I'll always be here for you, you know that right?"
"Yeah, yeah I know. I-I appreciate it, Catherine."
"Good, now you have to be hungry, so why don't I go pick up some real food-" She stopped when she saw the sullen expression on her friend's face, "Nick, what's wrong?"
"I-I can't even… eat on my own. Th-they've been f-feeding me."
Catherine could see the look of disdain and embarrassment in his eyes and she held back a sigh. "How about this, I get some food, and we'll see if you can manage to eat it on your own. If not, it isn't a big deal, ok?"
"I-I guess I am k-kinda hungry."
"Good, well, I'll be back soon. You know, Lindsay really wants to see you; if you want I can send her on in while I'm getting us all something to eat."
"Oh, uh, sure, I could use all the company I can get."
"Ok, well, I'll be back as soon as I can." She smiled before kissing him on the forehead and giving him a slight hug before she turned to leave. As her hand turned the knob she looked back to see the younger man actually smile as he looked up at the ceiling. With a quiet sigh of relief she made her way into the hallway.
"Mom! Can I see him, please?"
"Yeah, you can see him, but, Lindsey, remember that he isn't very strong right now, so don't do anything that would incite him to move, got it?"
"Yes mom. So can I go in?"
"Yeah, he seemed pretty happy that you were here, so go on in, I'm just going to go get some food then I'll be back and we can eat together."
Lindsey simply waved to her mom as she raced to the door. She almost barged into the room, but the stern look from both her mother and grandmother made her slow down.
"Hey, Nick, how a-are you?"
"I've been better, but this o-ought to be a highlight for today."
Lindsay smiled as brightly as she could, but her eyes couldn't stop watching him. She could see how puffy and red his eyes were, so it was clear he had been crying. The mere thought of the good natured, strong man she knew to be Nick had been crying for a long amount of time was starting to disturb her. It isn't right; he made it, he's alive. Shouldn't he be happy?
They sat in silence for several minutes before she decided to start, "Does it hurt?"
Nick took a deep breath, and couldn't help but wince slightly at the movement, "Yeah, yeah it does, but I'll be ok. It'll just take time."
"Y-you have n-nightmares don't you?"
"Yeah. I have a lot of nightmares, but I guess I've had a lot of practice dealing with them. Have you had any nightmares about what happened?"
"I-I dunno if they're really nightmares. I mean they always seem to have a happy ending. And Mom has a way of singing me to sleep. I don't know why, but it always works to fight off any bad dreams."
"Your mother is a special woman. I can't even describe how much she has helped me over the years. I'm not sure I'd even be here in Vegas still."
"Yeah, I guess I can be hard on her a lot, but she is always there when I really need her to be."
"That's because she loves you so much." Nick grinned weakly at the embarrassed look on the little girl's face. He knew Catherine's best traits shone through in her daughter, and he was intrigued at her curiosity and concern.
"W-why did you do it? I, uh, I mean, you put yourself through so much pain, j-just for me? Mom, sh-she told me that you did it because you care about me, and her a lot, but, well, I guess I just kinda needed to hear why from you."
"Well, your mom was right. I care a lot about you, and all of my friends, including your mom. I would've tried to help anyone in that situation, but I'm not sure I'd have made it as far if it hadn't been you."
"Okay…"
Nick sighed before meeting her eyes. "Listen, when I was nine, someone really hurt me. Afterwards, I was so scared and ashamed that I couldn't tell anybody, not even my parents. I've carried that secret with me for my whole life; the only person I've ever told was your Mom." He swallowed hard before he went on, "W-well, like I said, I never told anyone. She got away with what she d-did to me. After a few months my guilt and shame hadn't started to go away, and by the time I was ten years old I realized that she could've hurt any number of other people the same way she hurt me. Even then, I couldn't make myself say anything. Then I got into high school, and after I saw a smaller kid getting beat up on I vowed that I wouldn't sit by and watch anyone get hurt again."
"What did you do about it?"
"I knew I'd never be able to live with myself if I let even more people get hurt because I didn't do something, so I stopped them from doing anything more to him. Instead they beat me up, but that was something I could at least live with. Over the next four years I worked out as much as I could, and I sought out anyone who I had heard was going to get beaten up. I'd trade places with them, let myself take the beating, eventually they would just go straight to me. I didn't mind, it was better that they hurt me, I felt as if I deserved it for letting others to get hurt. Of course, by my senior year I had become a lot of peoples' 'hero'; I was someone that anyone could depend on to keep them from getting hurt. Plus, I had managed to become one of the strongest kids in the school, so they started leaving each other alone, I didn't take many beatings that year, but I never shied away from it. Just like I couldn't just sit back and let them hurt you."
"I-I've seen kids that were getting roughed up before. I wish I h-had had your courage to stand up to them."
"I'm glad you didn't. You don't deserve someone else's pain; I didn't either. I'm not saying you shouldn't have told someone, but I don't want you to put yourself into a position where you could get hurt, that won't help you, or anyone else. Besides, your mom doesn't need to worry about how many bruises you'll have when you get home from school. My parents were constantly worried about me, but I never let them know how bad it really was. They would only see the occasional bruises on my face and arms; I never let them see the bruises on the rest of my body." Nick made she to keep eye contact with her through the last part; she nodded and he could see she was fighting back tears.
"I promise I won't do that, but it was really kind of you to stand up for all those kids."
Nick merely smiled weakly once more before motioning for her to sit next to him on the bed and once more pulling himself painfully up to embrace her, tears flowing swiftly from their eyes.
Catherine nearly dropped the food she had been carrying when she heard Nick telling Lindsay about his years in high school. So, I guess I know what he meant when he told us he was 'dependable' in high school. Damn, Nick, I wish I had known how hard everything has been for you. Things will get better, they have to.
To Be Continued…
Notes: Wow, this was longer than I realized, and it took a lot longer than I expected… Well, hope you enjoy, and I love reading your reviews! I'll try to update as soon as I can, and, sorry, but I can't put in a short summary for the next chapter, because I'm not entirely sure what all is going to happen next. Thanks for reading the story, and I hope you take some time to review!
