Crimson Puddles
"What do you expect me to do? Just drop everything, and go with you to Vegas? I can't just become someone else."
"I'm not asking you to, Ellie, I just want to know that you're safe. You're a smart girl, you'd be able to get a good job in Vegas, and live on your own. I just want to help you get there. It doesn't even have to be Vegas…"
"I… I just don't know, I can't even imagine what else I'd do."
"Listen, you can call me at this number here, or you can stop by that hotel just down the street, room 420. I'll be there for a few days, then I have to get back to Vegas."
Catherine had frozen in the doorway, unable to move. She had heard everything Nick had said about his years in high school. He actually let people hurt him so that someone else wouldn't get hurt. Damn, Nick, how did you make it this far? Sometimes I wonder just how much pain has been inflicted on you. It seems like a never-ending flow of problems… She didn't even register that she was staring at the two as they clung desperately to each other.
It was a few moments before Nick looked up, and saw Catherine standing in the doorway watching them with tears in her eyes. His mind began to race, and he wasn't sure he could face her if she had heard everything he'd just said.
"H-hey Catherine." His voice was nearly a whisper, and Lindsey gently let go of Nick and hastily wiped her eyes before turning to look at her mother.
"Hey, uh, I got us all some food…"
"What did you get?" Lindsey forced in an attempt to break the awkward silence.
"I got us all some pizza, I just had to transfer it to this bag so they'd still let me in here."
She carefully opened the bag, and gave the other a slice before she took the remaining seat by Nick's left hand. She watched as he took a deep breath before pulling the piece of pizza up weakly with his left hand. The tension in the room was slightly relieved when he successfully took a bite without help.
"I knew you'd be able to do it." Catherine offered him a warm smile, but stopped when she saw tears forming once more in his eyes.
"Thanks. Th-that means a lot, it really does." He let out a soft chuckle and slowly finished the slice of pizza before he bothered to wipe his eyes. "I've gotta say I'm relieved. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to do it."
Catherine slowly looked over towards Lindsey, and the conversation she had overheard replayed in her mind.
As soon as she bit her lip Nick knew what she was thinking about. Good going, Nick, just when you tell her everything you can manage to she has to find out more. I wonder how much she really heard. I guess it shouldn't matter, but, I-I have to know.
"So, uh, how long were you, uh, standing there?"
"Listen, Nick, I heard what I guess was everything you said about being in, uh, high school, but I swear, I didn't mean to overhear anything. Y-you're not mad a-are you?"
Nick looked away, unsure of how to answer her. She probably thinks I'm unstable… "No, I mean, I guess… I-I just don't know. No. It wasn't your fault; it was an accident. I, well, I'm pretty sure that was one of the things I never planned on telling anyone, but you may as well know." His shaky voice slowly faded out, and she didn't hear anything else through his quiet sobs. She almost sighed when she saw his eyes glistening from tears, but stopped herself when she realized how easily a simple sigh could be misinterpreted.
"Do you ever take time off?"
"Yeah, believe it or not, I do take care of myself, Sara."
"Sorry, Grissom, it's just that this is what, your third or fourth shift in a row? No one can keep it up longer than that. You need to head home, get some sleep."
"I, can't right now. This'll keep me occupied, focused, and I don't want my mind to wander right now."
"You know, Nick is in the hospital regardless of the fact that you don't want him to be. Then you keep telling everyone you're going to go see him, but you never do; instead I find you working yet another case."
"This case is different. I had to take it."
"And why is that, Grissom?" Sara responded forcefully, the tension rising rapidly in their voices.
"Because the knife used to kill the Vic had Nick's blood on it!"
Sara froze in shock at what he had just said. "No, that can't be right, I mean, we've accounted for everyone employed by Donovan, there can't be another guy."
"I hope you're right, but either way, it is related to what happened to Nick. Plus, a bullet we found on the scene was a perfect match to one of the bullets in Nick's SUV."
"Hey, guys, a highway patrol officer just stopped a guy, and he had a lot of blood on him. They're bringing him in, now, and he just happens to match the description of our suspect."
"Thanks, Sofia, we'll get down there as soon as we can."
"I'll see you there."
As soon as Sofia disappeared around the corner Sara turned towards her supervisor, "You want to tell me what's going on with you, and why you can't seem to go visit Nick? We have a nice ride to the station in store for us."
"Sweetheart, why don't you say goodbye, and have Grandma take you home? I'll be there soon, ok?"
"Ok, Mom. Bye Nick, I'll see you soon!"
"I'll hold you to that, Lindsay, and I'm looking forward to it."
"I guess you want to talk to me alone."
"Yeah, I mean, it was just…"
"Another bombshell?" Nick supplied weakly.
"Yeah, I guess that's one way to describe it."
"I used to pray every night that that the pain, the guilt, the fear, and the shame, would just go away. I didn't understand what had happened; I didn't know why my body reacted like it did. I guess I stopped caring about myself; I was just so sure that it had been my fault. I mean we had been so mad at each other… I wasn't sure for quite some time that they hadn't let her do that to me. And, by high school I had lost all concern about my own safety, and I only kept up with school because of my parents."
"Nick…"
"At first I let my grades slip, but that stopped when my parents threatened to send me off to some private school in New York. I cried myself to sleep for weeks after that. It was about then that I stopped praying for things to get better, and I just went on taking whatever beatings that came my way. The first time anyone had really stood up for me was when I met you guys. Having all of you there whenever I needed someone…" He voice broke down into a loud sob, and he could feel the tears running wild down his cheeks.
"I'll always be there for you, Nick, I wish I could've been there for you before…"
"Yeah, look, don't get me wrong, I love my family, and I know they love me. It's just that, I was always alone when it hurt the most. I was alone when she molested me, I was alone when I took those beatings."
"You're not-" Catherine started, but she was cut off by Nick as he started again.
"The first timeI wasn't alone was when Amy Hendler had that gun in my face. Grissom saved my life, but he did even more for me that night. He showed me that some people are there to help. For the first time in my life I had someone actually p-p-protect me. You were there to help me through that damn 'rebirthing' case, all of you were there to help move past Nigel Crane. You were all there to get me out of that grave…"
"Hey… hey, it's ok, Nick, it's gonna be ok, I promise." Catherine whispered as the younger man wept into her shoulder. She slowly, and carefully, began to rub Nick's back to relieve the tensed muscles. "You're going to be able to get through this, and you'll find a way past everything else. Just give it time, it'll be alright, you'll see…"
"I want to know where you got that knife."
"I'm not going to tell you anything; you're wasting your time."
"I suggest you listen real close to what I'm about to say. That knife had a CSI's blood on it, and I will find out how it ended up in your possesion." Sara stated calmly, yet the threat was clearly evident in her voice and there was no mistaking the glare she was sending the man sitting across from them.
"It's going to take more than some simple threats to make me crack, sweetheart."
"Everyone else is dead. You're all that's left of Donovan's henchmen." Grissom responded calmly, "Oh, and I wouldn't tempt her, she has a knack for getting information out of suspects."
"Fine, you want the truth?" He sneered slightly, "I was there. Donovan had nothing to do with the stabbing. It was my idea. And, just so you know, I'm not the last one 'out there' oh no, I'm not the last. You might want to be on the lookout for someone else. Of course you don't know who to look for."
"Who are we looking for?"
"Nobody you'll ever find."
"So, how credible is he?"
"Not very, Grissom, I had the knife printed and the fingerprints all came back to some of the dead guys, but there weren't any unidentified prints." Sare answered promptly.
"Ok, well, I'll let you finish up on this, and Sara" Grissom waited until she turned back around to face him, "I want this to stay quiet; we don't need more gossip around the lab dealing with Nick. It's already bad enough."
"Sure thing, I'll keep it to myself and a few techs."
"I'd expect nothing less; keep up the good work."
Sara hardly had time to process what he'd just said. She slowly shook her head as she left the room; if there was one thing she'd learned over the years it was that people were full of surprises.
It was another half-hour before Catherine had gotten Nick to fall asleep, and she had decided to wait for another half an hour to make sure he was sleeping peacefully. As soon as she left the room she had whipped out her cell phone.
"Hey, Mom, it's me. Sorry I couldn't get home sooner, but, well, Nick needed a friend. I've just got one more phone call to make, and then I'll be on my way home ok?"
"Okay, Catherine, drive carefully."
"Always, and tell Lindsay that I love her."
"Of course, I will. We love you too."
"Yeah, back at ya. I'll see you soon, love you both, bye."
"Bye."
Catherine pushed the button to end the call before she called Grissom.
"Grissom."
"Hey, Gil, it's me, Cath."
"Hey, how are you?"
"I've been better, never quite know what to expect from talking to Nick anymore."
"How is he?"
"He's pretty distraught. He's been reminiscing about pretty much everything that's happened to him, and I let's just say he had a lot more problems than just being molested when he was growing up. And, it seems as if though you did a lot more than just get Amy Hendler to put that gun down. Nick said it was the first time anyone had protected him like that."
"That can't be right, I mean his father was a judge, and his mother was an attorney. They must've protected him from-"
"It doesn't matter what they prevented, Gil. It matters what they couldn't stop, and there is a lot that happened to him that only Lindsay and I know about. He needs you to talk to him; he needs to know that he means something, anything, to you."
"I know. He's deserved to hear how I feel for a long time. All of you have."
"Well, he's sleeping right now, but you should definitely come down here to the hospital tomorrow. This situation can get worse, Gil. Don't let that happen."
"I'll do my best."
"Good, I wouldn't expect anything less."
"Goodbye Catherine."
"Bye Gil, oh, and I might be a bit late for shift tonight, and I might even need the night off."
"No problem, we'll cover you. See you tonight."
"Yeah, bye."
Grissom sighed as he closed his cell phone. He quickly started his car and was halfway to his house when he changed his mind, and headed towards the hospital.
Oh, so ... he is 'your guy', huh?
Are you two close?
What does Nick Stokes mean to you? How do you feel when you see him in that coffin? Does your soul die every time you push that button? How do you feel, knowing that there's nothing you can do to get him out of that hell? Helpless ... useless ... impotent?
Those words would never leave them. They constantly played through his mind as he searched desperately for an answer, but as always the voice won, and after a few hours at home it would eventually leave. Of course it always started up again just before shift, or just before he knew he was going to see the younger man. It's now or never Gil, you have to face your fears. No, no, I'm not afraid of Nick, I'm… I'm afraid of how much someone has hurt him this time. Maybe I should just go home, Catherine told me he's asleep. No, I have to do this. I have to talk to him, I have to find a way to understand my feelings, and if I let him down now then they all win. I won't let them win; Hendler failed to crush him, Crane failed, so will you Gordon, and so will those bastards that put him in that hospital room.
Brass watched the TV idly, silently praying for his daughter to call. Give her time, it's only been a few hours. She could still call. He sighed deeply before he realized how likely it was that he would never see his daughter again. I wish I could've helped you, Ellie, but I guess this is your life. After a while he decided to try and lose himself in some TV show, and he couldn't help but stop when he saw several large, colorful birds come onto the screen.
He smiled at how much seeing a bird would remind him of Nick. They all knew he was fascinated by them, and after a few moments of just watching the various shots while ignoring the commentary he could tell why Nick was so interested in them. They were free to fly away from danger, to escape from their 'problems' with a simple flap from their wings. I wonder how long he's wanted to just fly away. How long has he wanted to leave all his problems behind?
He was interrupted from his thoughts when someone pounded on his door. He paused for a moment, until a voice called out, "Room Service." Brass couldn't help but let out a disappointed sigh. She's not coming. Well, at least I gave her the opportunity. I can't force her to come back to Vegas with me.
When he swung the door open he was shocked to see only a pair of battered suitcases. His eyes immediately began to search for any sign of Ellie, and then he saw her leaning against his rental car. His heart pumped faster; his mind raced as he tried to think of anything to say. But, somehow, he just knew words would never be enough to express how happy, and thankful, he was at that moment. Without waiting he grabbed the bags, and placed them in his car. He smiled warmly, before returning to his room, and getting his own bag.
Ten minutes later they were at a large counter, waiting to get the papers filled out in order to return the cheap rental car. There was a comfortable silence between them, and both knew the other was too nervous to talk about what she was doing, and they were both afraid to say something that might put a stop to her moving back to Vegas.
Catherine couldn't help but run to her front door when she finally got home. She hurried as fast as she could to find Lindsay, and immediately pulled her into a hug. "I missed you sweety."
"I missed you too, Mom, is Nick feeling better now?"
"I hope so, Lindsay, I hope so."
"He said he has lots of nightmares. Is that going to change?"
"Maybe, given some time they might go away."
"I hope they do, I hate nightmares."
Catherine smiled, and gave Lindsay another hug before falling back onto the couch. "We all hate em, sweetheart. Is there anything you want to do?"
"I'm kind of tired, maybe we could watch a movie?"
"Sure, whatever you want." Lindsay smiled, and pulled a movie from a shelf, and stuck it in. They had hardly watched half of it before they had fallen asleep.
Lily couldn't help but smile when she saw the two sleeping on the couch. Catherine had her arms wrapped protectively around her daughter, and they both looked more at peace than she had seen them in a while. I love you both, so much, and I'm going to find a way to thank that man for making sure this possible. At least you're both safe now.
There were too many voices going through his head as he watched the young man sleeping in the small bed. The sheets were pulled up towards his chest, his arms were lying motionless at each side. His face wasn't as pale as it had been, but it didn't have nearly as much color as it should have. It took him another minute to realize that he was sweating profusely. He slowly brought his hand up to wipe his forehead, only to find that he was shaking.
Grissom closed his eyes as tightly as he could, and balled his hands into fists. Get a grip on yourself. He's the one who had to face hell itself. All you have to do is face the aftermath… and, maybe that's what I'm really afraid of. He slowly forced his eyes back open, and he made himself focus on Nick. He could see the muscles in the other's face tighten slightly. Grissom couldn't help but wonder at what nightmares Nick had faced over the years, and he was sure they must have been worse then any of his own. Instead of allowing himself to dwell on his, or Nick's possible nightmares he once more concentrated on Nick. He took in the scab on his face from some glass. He knew most of the cuts were essentially healed, and that his bandaged right arm was better as well.
His eyes traveled down to where he could see the slight bulge of the much smaller bandages around his left foot. Suddenly he could hear Gordon's voice once more; asking him what Nick meant to him. Grissom bowed his head, no longer able to even look at the young man lying helplessly in the room just past the door he was standing at. He means something to me, I just don't know… Why can't I just figure out what that is?
At first he had justified not knowing the answer by telling himself that he'd been put on the spot. But, after so many months that had failed to satisfy his conscience since he had yet to find an answer. Now he was merely lost, and he couldn't help but wonder why he couldn't answer what should have been a simple question. Just go in, Gil, I can do this. Take a risk, just do this, you know it's what you have to do.
And, for the first time since he had heard Walter Gordon's voice, Grissom gently opened the door, and entered the room. He clasped his hands together to keep them from shaking, and he seated himself in the chair by Nick's left side. You're not going to screw me up anymore than you already have, Gordon. I'm not going to let him go because of you; you're not going to win.
"Hey!" Hodges couldn't quite remember the names of the two lab techs that were currently leaning back on a counter talking quite openly about Nick.
"What is it, Hodges?" the first asked, the irritation clearly evident in his voice.
"I don't want to hear another word of gossip about Nick in this building, got it!"
"It's no big deal, we were just saying-"
"You were just talking about how he'd probably break down if he couldn't walk again, and how you'd 'lose it' if it happened to you!"
"Just calm down, man, the were right, you are uptight…"
"Yeah, maybe I am, but that doesn't give you the right to go blabbing to each other about something that doesn't concern you! And, I swear, it's not going to be pleasant if you, or anyone is like this when he is able to return to work."
None of them noticed Sara standing in the far doorway, as Hodges stormed out. "Man, that guy could use getting a life."
"Hey, don't talk about him like that, just because he's defending a friend, rather than disrespecting that friend's wishes. I just hope that the two of you, as well as anyone else who can't help but gossip about what happened, will get a heart before he gets back. Now, I suggest you get back to work before I'm forced to go to Ecklie, and don't think I won't."
It was the first time that he could really remember actually waking up as refreshed as he was. He winced in pain as the feeling returned in his arm and leg. His side still burned slightly from the nearly healed gash. What truly surprised him was to see Grissom sitting off to his side. Suddenly he was scared as he tried to figure out why the man who had only visited him a few times over the past few weeks was sitting there just waiting for him to wake up. No, please, say he doesn't have bad news. Of course he has bad news, why else would he be here? It's not like he's come around just to visit me before, and things with him aren't going to just change… I just… I can't take anymore right now…
Grissom could see that he was waking up when he saw the slight smile mixed with something of a grimace. He waited patiently for Nick to fully wake up, but he didn't expect the man to panic when he opened his eyes. Their eyes met briefly before Nick's breathing picked up speed, and his eyes immediately went down. He watched as the younger man nervously gripped the sheets of the bed, and bit down on his lip to try and focus.
"Nick, what's wrong?"
"W-why don't you tell me?"
"What do you mean? Why would anything be wrong?"
"B-because, you're here… I mean, you don't exactly just come here t-to visit me ever…"
"Ah, damn it, Nick, I'm sorry. It's ok though, I don't have any bad news for you. I just didn't want you to be alone."
"Thanks, Grissom, that, uh, means a lot to me." Nick let out a nervous chuckle, but Grissom could easily tell that he was much more relaxed.
"How are you feeling?"
"I've been better. It still hurts, but the medications they have me on are helping keep it down."
"What about emotionally?"
"I feel like I'm on some kind of never-ending roller coaster that just won't stop. One moment I'm feeling like everything is alright with Sara and Warrick, and the next I'm breaking down and telling Catherine everything that's hurt me over the years."
"Nick, I know I haven't really been there, and I've distanced myself from everyone, most of all from you. Now, just know, that it isn't your fault. I was scared, and I let you guys down, but I want that to change."
"That means… a lot. Th-thanks, Grissom."
"You can tell me anything Nick, and I hope you take advantage of what I'm offering."
"I might just look into that. At least my physical therapy is supposed to start soon. They need to see how much I can 'handle' before they can even give an estimate of when I'll get out of here."
"Well, how about this, I'll grab Warrick, and we bring in some pictures tomorrow morning after shift, they ought to help brighten up this room a bit."
"I think I'd like that."
To Be Continued…
Notes: Once again, sorry these are taking me so long, but I had to register for the SAT this week, and I had a lot of tests, so it took me a lot longer to get around to writing this. Thanks for all the input so far, and hope you all keep taking the time to write a review!
