Chapter Five
Leia was agitated on the flight in. He tried distracting her from the datapad a few times, convinced she'd already taken in all the info there was to take in, but she was determined to review it one more time. So, Han was glad, now that they were in the office and there was little she could do but wait, she returned to talkative Leia. He didn't necessarily want to hear so much about the boyfriend but it was better than nothing.
"I think sometimes it's comforting that he knew my life before. Reminds me that it was real. He knew my parents. Knew my life in Coruscant."
Han chuckled and didn't look up from his work.
"What's so funny?"
"That's why I keep my distance. No one knows. No one remembers."
Leia gave him an assessing stare. She was sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall with her legs crossed and feet tucked beneath her. Her folded hands rested in her lap. "Chewie knows. Chewie might know everything."
"And no one understands what he's saying."
"Reminds me. I need to get at those Shyriiwook lessons."
"Reminds me. Need to have a little chat with Chewie."
They both smiled without looking at each other.
Breaking into the building was easy enough. It looked mostly abandoned with only a few businesses dotting the window scape. There was a time when Gepinow was the biggest urban center on Abottin with thriving industries and a booming population. But about five years earlier, the Empire cracked down on insurgents and Rebel sympathizers. Beings were rounded up, jailed or killed; entire cities destroyed. The remaining residents were left with scorched earth and a decimated economy as businesses fled to the core worlds.
Bail Organa sponsored a bill in the Senate reprimanding the Empire for their treatment of the Abottinians and demanding reparations for the displaced and destitute beings left behind, but to no avail.
Han and Leia waited until well-past midnight, moving silently through the streets, easily avoiding the few pedestrians they encountered. Han picked the lock into the building then the office then the file room. They lucked out finding a filing system that clearly dated closed and unused accounts but were stuck when they realized the files they needed were in a lock box that required much more work.
Leia knew this mission was a long shot but she suspected a long shot was their only option. Every investigation into her father's accounts had turned up next to nothing. Only more clues. After reviewing the data from Pyrtor's foundation, and reviewing it a dozen times more, she found reference to a small savings and loan company in Gepinow that matched a name she found in other files.
High Command didn't give permission for the mission because they didn't know about it. Leia hadn't even bothered to ask. Han agreed to fly her and forego payment for a favour to be named, and negotiated, at a later date.
"I could never tell if my parents liked Pyrtor or not. They were polite and friendly, of course. I think my father enjoyed spending time in his study having an evening drink with him. Which I hated!"
Han sat on the floor in front of the lock box, the front panel pulled off, untangling wires. Han waved a hand, pointing at the tool bag beside her. She handed him a pair of pliers.
"Afraid they were talking about you?" He looked intently at the wires, trying to remember how these old lock boxes worked. He probably hadn't seen one since he was a teenager.
"I hated that I wasn't invited." She watched Han's face scrunch up in concentration and almost laughed. She was tempted to tease him but decided against it. She needed the work done. "I hated not knowing what was going on."
The lockbox door swung open. Han let out a quick whoop then a quick curse. There was a second door. He rubbed his hands over his face and gave Leia a can you believe this shit look. She smiled, offering encouragement, and handed him the water canteen.
"Oh, they were definitely talking about you." He took a drink and handed back the canteen. "Both of them fishing for information."
"I doubt that." She watched as Han clasped his hands together, stretching his fingers and cracking knuckles before going back to work. "I think father was trying to be a good host. Bonding like some men do."
Leia liked watching Han work, as he tried to figure out what he should do next. She was learning to read his body language. His tentative reach as he decided which wire to pull. His eyes darting over the project, taking it all in.
Luke talked through every step out loud. He claimed all those years working on vaporators and farm equipment alone meant he liked hearing a voice even if it's his own. It was a little less lonely. But Han was a tinkerer.
She realized early on that if she wanted a favour from him, it was best to ask while he was lost in a mechanical mystery. It seemed like the only time when his guard was down, if only by a small margin. He liked having some job, some task, to keep his mind and hands busy, especially when trying to work through some other problem.
One time when they were sleeping in a hotel on mission, she walked into the main room in the middle of the night and found him fixing a lamp. When he saw her, he laid out his plan for the next day, how they would get to their target and around the surprise appearance of stormtroopers at the records hall. He'd been troubled by the haphazard plan they came up with earlier so devised a better one. Everything still went to hell, as most of their missions did, but she learned that he had a much more tactical mind then he let on.
Leia had the sudden urge to tell Han there was a time when her relationship with Pyrtor was real. That it was something she actively participated in. She wanted him to know that she wasn't always this way. So removed. She wanted him to know there was a time when she was capable of more. But she knew that might lead to questions, like what was happening with Pyrtor now and what she wanted to happen next. Leia bit the inside of her cheek and kept on topic.
"I think Bail knew even then that Pyrtor would be a good source of information. Even though I was already spying for the Rebellion and had been on a number of missions, I think he was reticent about asking for my involvement where Pyrtor was concerned."
"That showed restraint on Bail's part."
A quick glance at Leia told Han he probably went too far with that comment. He tried to brush it off as a joke but he wasn't really kidding. Bail seemed like a good guy and father and she idolized him but Han thought her old man put too much pressure on her. She never got the chance to just be a kid or even just be Leia. Seemed crazy that he grew up on the streets, had to practically fight for his life every damn day, and he had more of a childhood than she did.
"And your mom? She didn't try for bonding time with Tech Boy?" He pulled off the panel to the second door and sighed when he saw the mess of wires. It was a different set-up. He looked at the chrono to see how much time they had before people started showing up for work.
"Breha was always polite, friendly, but not warm. Well, warmish."
"That strange? Gotta be part of the job. Royal protocol and all. Took you awhile to warm up to me."
"You're insinuating that I have warmed up to you."
He spread his arms wide and cocked his head. "C'mon!"
She shook her head and couldn't hide her small smile. "Mother was a very warm person with family, close friends, her aides. Her mother was quite stern and officious. Breha reacted against that by being physically affectionate. I grew up with lots of hugs."
"Where I come from, someone hugs you, you better check your pockets."
She never knew if comments like that were a part of the Han Solo act. The tough guy who never needed or wanted affection. He had a strong protective shield, stronger than hers even, but she didn't know if it had always been that way. There must have been someone in his life who's touch he accepted freely. Someone he let his guard down long enough with to hold close.
"Both my parents told me they loved me every day." Leia looked down at her hands in her lap. "My mother really believed those things should not be left unsaid."
Han looked up from his work. He couldn't see her expression so he waited until she was ready to speak again.
"Considering everything, I'm lucky on that count." Her voice was quiet but steady. "My parents knew how much I loved and appreciated them. I knew how much they loved me."
He'd never seen the Princess cry but he recognized the signs. Han felt a knot in his stomach. He knew she needed the space to be sad about things but for some reason he always wanted to save her from it. So, he tried not to think about it too much and did what came naturally to him. Distract and annoy.
"Maybe they didn't like their daughter sleeping with the houseguest?"
"Excuse me?"
"Maybe that's why they weren't so warm and welcoming." He connected the wrong wires and got a quick shock. He shook his hand out before trying again. "Gonna bet the palace didn't set him up in your room. Also, gonna bet there was some nighttime covert action and sneaking around."
"Why is your mind always in the gutter?" She sounded angry now. Irritated.
"Ah, I get it." He nodded like he'd figured it all out. "You played the virginal princess around your parents. All braided and white robed up. Figures."
She sat up straight, crossed her arms over her chest, and glared at him. "Figures? Care to elaborate?"
"Well, Princess, I was hoping you'd elaborate. Share some saucy palace tales. But I guess it was just tea and needlepoint for the ladies. Brandy and cigars for the men."
He needed one of the tools beside her and realized too late that his distraction might have been too effective. She wasn't acknowledging his nod to the small clamp.
"I guess simple minds can only comprehend simple dynamics."
"Hey, this simple mind is breaking into an elaborate security system here. I could just leave you to it. Or see if you could carry it out of here."
She relaxed a bit against the wall. Took a few more breaths.
"You gotta do your part, Princess." He held out his hand. "Need the clamp."
Han couldn't quite get a handle on Pyrtor. He'd taken Leia on a couple meet-ups but he'd only talked to the boyfriend a couple of times. Usually not much more than quick hellos during the hand-off. He seemed okay enough but boring as fuck. Maybe there was a big change when they got off on their own but he seemed almost comatose to Han.
The one time Han spent time with Pyrtor, hanging out with Tess on Deandra, didn't do much to convince him that there was more there. The guy didn't laugh at Leia's jokes. Seemed confused by her excitement playing paddle ball. He treated Leia like a doll, holding on to her arm like she might slip and shatter. Clearly he'd never seen her lob a detonator at twenty paces or dodge trooper blaster fire.
It seemed to Han that a woman who could get that riled up—he'd seen her furious about the smallest things, fired up on missions and giving speeches, not backing down from whatever danger came at her, or even kicking ass in paddle ball—deserved someone who could at least meet her halfway. She just didn't look like she was enjoying herself. But he guessed there was no accounting for taste. If that's what she was looking for in a boyfriend then that was her problem.
He didn't realize it was grating on his nerves so much until Tess called him on it. Maybe not Han's finest moment since she stopped to say, I'm going to need you to focus, Solo. Thankfully, Tess didn't take that kind of thing personally.
"My parents weren't as close-minded as you think." She passed him the clamp. "We didn't discuss it openly but they weren't naïve."
"Aha! You did get laid in the palace. I knew it!" He smiled, a bit too broadly for her taste.
She groaned, frustrated that she fell for his stupid ploy.
The second door popped open. "Got it!"
Leia quickly moved to his side to look through the lockbox, pull out any files and datachips.
"I'll comm Chewie, let him know we're heading back. We're cutting this one a bit too close."
Leia looked through the files but it was impossible to tell which ones she needed so she decided to take them all. Han was right. It was almost dawn and they couldn't risk anyone coming into the office. She loaded all the chips into her satchel then Han resealed the doors and got the lockbox back in its place with some difficulty. Things were a lot easier when the Wookiee was around to lug heavy things.
They moved quickly and quietly through the building, out the door and into the alleyway. They were back on the street, trying to assume the posture of a couple returning from a late night, before speaking again.
"Hey." He nudged her side with his elbow. "It's how much you love them."
"I'm sorry?" Leia was lost in thought, already going through the possible info the datachips could hold.
"You said it in the past tense. How much you loved your parents. How much they loved you. Like it was over." He tucked his hands into his pockets as he walked. He wasn't sure why he started on this topic but he was in it so might as well finish it. "Still happening, Sweetheart."
Leia didn't respond but after a few more steps she gently bumped up against him. A silent thanks and acknowledgement.
"Guessing that's how it works anyway." He smiled down at her even though she was looking the other way. "Don't got a lot of personal experience with that kind of stuff."
She could hear the light-hearted lilt to his voice. If he carried any trauma from his childhood, she knew he worked hard to conceal it.
They were walking at a reasonable pace, taking in their surroundings. Leia told herself it was a part of their cover. They were a couple heading home and not enemies of the Empire on a covert operation.
"I think I was often a challenge for my parents." She put both her hands on the satchel strap over her chest. She suddenly felt like she needed to keep her hands occupied. "Princess duty can be a bit overwhelming. Especially if you'd rather be doing something far removed from curtsies and learning the art of polite dinner conversation."
"Like what?"
She smiled again but didn't look at him, feeling a bit shy. This wasn't something she talked about with anyone. The only dreams and aspirations that mattered involved defeating the Empire. Anything that happened, anything she wanted, before losing Alderaan didn't matter.
"I wanted to study, go to school, learn more about politics." She glanced up at him and saw he was looking at her, waiting for more. She didn't turn away. "Fly. I wanted pilot lessons."
This time he gave her a gentle nudge of acknowledgement. He knew that she wanted to pilot a ship and that she had some basic knowledge. She'd handled the controls of the Falcon a few times when they needed the extra hands. He figured this desire was Rebellion-related. She wanted to learn every aspect of warfare, have the full tool kit needed for any emergency. This was the first time he realized flying was a before-Leia thing.
Han looked up to see the streetlamps shut off. Morning light had arrived and more beings were appearing on the streets. The day was beginning for most.
When he was a kid, he would have looked each of them over to decide who was the easiest mark. When he was real young, right after he hit the streets, he had a few routines. For a while, he tried the crying game. Teared up and said he couldn't find his mom and needed something to eat. The smart move was to find a couple, especially if it looked like the guy was trying to impress the girl. Han could usually get some kind of street food out of them as the girl fawned over him and the guy tried to look like a big shot.
But, in the end, it took up too much time. Han had to work up the tears and get all soft and sucky. He usually didn't mind the girls acting all sweet and maternal but the guys could get weird and jealous about the attention. A few times he got yanked away and Han realized drunk people were too unpredictable. There were also a few too many times when the couple decided Han was best served by Coronet City cops helping out and that was never a good a thing.
Eventually he got the pickpocket thing down and didn't have to play a routine. Just saunter up close to whatever drunk was stumbling nearby and get what he needed. Han wondered if he still had those skills. If he could get close and pull out a few credits. He didn't think it was the kind of thing that would impress Leia but who knew. If he did it in the name of the Rebellion she might be grateful.
He was good at it. Only got caught a few times and only got a beat down now and then. Of course, then the Worms pulled him in and he ended up working for them for too many years. He tried not to think about it. Knew it was never good when he went down that hole.
Han thought about people waking up in their homes, having breakfast with family, heading out to work. They followed routines. Their lives had structure. There must be plenty of families like the Princess' who said I love you and hugged. Couples who held each other at night and were happy to see each other in the morning. Maybe it was true for them, something they knew to be true, but seeing was believing so he wasn't about to fall for it any time soon.
"By the time I was fifteen, sixteen, I knew I wanted more than life in the palace," Leia said. "I argued with my parents, trying to find some middle ground. I didn't want to be dismissive of my mother. Her work was so important. She did so much. Cared so much. But I wanted to help beyond Alderaan. And then there was the Rebellion. I was doing what I could, helping out, even before I knew Bail was at the center of it."
"How'd your folks take it?" He kept his hands stuffed in his pockets.
"I could hear them talking sometimes. They never fought but they didn't agree on this particular subject. My mother was very against me going to Coruscant, entering politics. She thought it was too dangerous. Father was more pragmatic. He told her, 'We knew this might happen. What did you expect? It's in her blood.'"
"In your blood? Thought you were adopted."
"I think he meant in my nature." She looked at Han with a bit of a glint in her eye. "I don't want to shock you but I was fairly opinionated. Rather independent."
"Doesn't sound like my princess." They both ignored his use of the possessive. "You must have won the argument since you made it to the Senate."
"I did."
They walked in silence for a bit. She smiled and nodded hello to a few people passing them and he wondered at her ability to still be open and curious. He was observant because he needed to know every angle. She was observant because she truly cared.
He tried to remember the last time he had spent this much time with another being other than Chewie. He was crammed in with a lot of people when he was in the Academy or working for the Worms as a kid. He'd worked a few jobs or hired on to other ships when he needed the credits and was forced to spend time with others. It wasn't always hell but it was never something he would choose. He and Chewie worked best on their own. They had the routine down. Knew how to be around each other, knew when to give space.
But he liked spending time with Luke. The kid got on his nerves but not like he didn't want him around. He had to admit that he actually looked forward to seeing him. Hanging out. And the Princess, too. They argued but he liked the fight. Mostly. She kept things interesting. Kept him on his toes. She played like she was prim and proper but she was tough and wasn't afraid to get in the mix and get dirty. He definitely didn't expect her to be fun but that's how it was. He felt pretty good if he made her laugh, especially if he got the deep, didn't care who heard her version. That was a good one.
"I don't regret it. Leaving Alderaan for the Senate." She looked up at him and the morning light hit her face perfectly. She had a rosy glow. "But I know she worried. The last time I talked to her, she told me to be careful. She wanted me back on Alderaan where I would be safe."
Without thinking, Han put his arm over her shoulder and pulled her into his side. He played it like it was part of their cover as they passed people in the street but really he liked the idea of having her close.
He'd thought about kissing her, and more, a few times. Same as he would with any pretty woman. It had maybe been a bit more intense lately but she was also the pretty woman he was around the most. It was the logic of circumstances and proximity and nothing more.
She briefly leaned her head against his side then stepped out of his embrace. It wasn't a nervous retreat but she reasserted the space between them.
They walked through the main gates to the docking bays, averting their eyes away from the guards in case they kept up on all the bounty and wanted notices.
Leia glanced around her, taking note of all the activity, the ships and beings. Everyone was going about their own business and everyone was carefully watching everyone else. She didn't want to assume that they all had a target on their backs but it was probably best to consider that a baseline.
"Hey. This ain't gonna come out right." He ran a hand along the back of his neck. He was pretty sure she was going to be mad but not like that hadn't happened before and it would definitely happen again. "What happened to Alderaan was shit and I'm not saying it wasn't. I know you loved your life. Parents. Friends. All of it. The whole world. Not saying you should get over it or over anything. Guessing this isn't something you get over."
She kept her hands on the satchel strap and watched him out of the corner of her eye. He could see her jaw clenched.
"But it wasn't perfect. For you, I mean." He held his hand up when she tried to interrupt him. "Hang on. Something's were hard. Something's didn't fit. You never had the chance to decide who you were. Who you want to be. Your entire life was planned out as soon as they brought you back to the palace."
She couldn't speak and wouldn't look at him. He was hitting close to the mark and she hated it. How much of her could he actually see? Wanting to change, become something new, was shameful. It was a betrayal. And he could see her.
He stopped walking and placed a hand on her arm, forcing her to stop and face him.
"All I'm saying is Alderaan's not a good thing but maybe you get to decide what's next."
She took a moment to speak because she thought she might scream. She wanted to let out a guttural, fuck you scream but kept it locked in.
"I don't know how to respond to that or even process it."
Colour was rising in her cheeks and he could see her anger. He felt the need to fidget, maybe run. He should have thought this through before speaking. Hands on his hips, he looked up and sighed.
"Yeah, this was a bad idea." All he could offer at this point was a lop-sided grin and the honest hope that she didn't punch him. "I only meant that, maybe, if you don't want to be a princess, maybe that's something you can change."
She didn't look away from him. She was locked in and furious. Who did this arrogant, idiot think he was? He floated through life from one scam to the next. He didn't care who he hurt or who he left behind. He could never understand the level of her responsibilities and never comprehend that it was something she had to do.
"Are you suggesting that I should be grateful that Alderaan was destroyed? That I should look on the bright side?"
"Hey, hang on! You're twisting things. Not saying anything close."
"I can't just abandon Alderaan or Alderaanians. I can't simply walk away from the diaspora. The refugees. It's not some smuggling run where I can dump the spice because it might be inconvenient for me."
"Fine. Fuck it. Sorry, I tried to help." He spun around and started for the Falcon again.
"How are you helping? By telling me how to avoid commitment?"
Leia glared at his back as she walked. She couldn't think straight. Anger and guilt raced through her veins. Alderaan expected more of her.
"I realize this is hard for you to comprehend but giving back is vital and important. A life of service is payment for the privilege of being the Princess of Alderaan. Both my parents believed that and taught me to behave and act accordingly. Doing anything to dismiss that is dishonouring my parents and Alderaan. My parents gave me everything…"
"Fine! I get it!" Han picked up his pace and she was fast at his heels.
"But you don't! You don't get it!" She stayed close behind him. "I don't have the luxury of thinking only about me or what I want. It's not that simple. None of this is simple. People are depending on me and that can't be ignored. I can't just walk away."
Han got the top of the Falcon's ramp and spun around. He didn't know exactly what he was going to say—yell—other than a few curse words but stopped when he saw her tears. She was crying. He made her cry.
"Should I also consider my time on the Death Star as a teachable moment?" She was lower on the ramp, even shorter than usual, but not diminutive. She looked ferocious. "Look how well I can handle pain now! All those scars will be funny party stories someday. That is if there's ever a time in my life when I'll go to a party or want to tell a funny story again."
Her eyes were already red and puffy, her cheeks wet with tears. She stood in front of him with her feet firmly planted hip width apart and her hands, clenched into fists, at her sides. He felt a rush of emotions, too many things coming at him at once, and the only piece he could pick out and understand was that he never wanted to make her cry again.
Somehow, that one realization wiped everything else away. His anger was gone. There was regret. There was concern. There was a need to make things right. Without thinking, he cupped her face in one hand and wiped a tear away with his thumb.
"Why you listening to me, Sweetheart? You know I'm talking out of my ass most of the time."
Her expression softened only slightly but the tears stopped so that seemed like a good sign.
"I have responsibilities. I can't…"
"You don't got to explain." He stepped back, gave her space to walk on to the ship. "I hear you, Princess. Honest. Sorry I said anything." Not knowing what he should do or what should happen next, he turned away.
It was true, he was running away. It's what she accused him of doing and she was right. He didn't belong in a world of responsibilities and caring, loving relationships. A world where people hugged each other and said I love you on a daily basis. He was a spacer, a loner, a smuggler looking for the next paying gig. He needed to be as far away as possible from these emotions, any emotions. He made her cry. Fuck. He made her cry. She was better off if he kept his distance, too.
He called over his shoulder as he walked to the cockpit. "Gotta get us ready for take-off. Might as well settle in."
They did their best to avoid each other, or at least avoid eye contact, until they were on their way and had entered hyperspace. They had both calmed down but still ached from the fight. They both still ached from good conversation, the near intimacy, that came before it. They were familiar with this circling, maneuvering around each other until they rediscovered how they fit together. It was unspoken, unacknowledged and strangely natural.
By the time Han approached Leia again, she was at the games table and starting the long process of looking through the stolen datachips. He set a cup of tea in front of her and sat down.
"It was a long night getting those files. Go to the crew quarters if you need to crash."
She shook her head. "I don't think I could sleep even if I wanted."
They were tentative, reaching out to see how their words would be received.
"Found anything so far?" He wished she would go to sleep. She looked exhausted.
"I'm not doing a deep dive yet. Creating a record of what we found and hopefully something will make sense, sound familiar." She turned her datapad to show him. "It really is a list of dead or forgotten accounts. I think this mission was beyond a long shot. I'm probably deluding myself that there will be anything here."
"Gotta look somewhere, I guess." He started arranging the datachips on the table. Stacking them in neat columns.
"Thanks for bringing me here." Leia gave him a small smile. "And putting your thieving skills to good use."
He gave a small laugh and a shrug. "Easiest gig I've had in a while."
Han stood up again. "Alright, Princess. I should get back at it." He didn't elaborate on what it was. He was almost out of the lounge when he turned back.
"I was thinking, when we drop out of hyperspace, if everything's okay, you can take the controls. See what you've got. I still owe you some lessons."
Leia looked at him, slightly confused.
"Not leaving you on your own or anything. The Falcon takes a little something special."
The corners of her mouth turned up again. "You'd like to think."
He winked. "That's why we're perfect for each other. The Falcon and me. We both like a little something special." Han was starting to feel a bit better about this conversation.
"You know that sounds like you have sex with your ship."
"Only girl that's never let me down."
She rolled her eyes. "She lets you down all the time."
"We have some dips but we always come through for each other."
"It's amazing you're still single."
"Single by choice, Sweetheart."
"That's right, Hotshot. Keep telling yourself that."
Han walked back to the engine room, smiling slightly and trying to keep his mind on repairs and not the Princess.
