Chapter Fifteen
Life with the Rebellion could move quickly but the past week felt like hyperdrive. There was the far too close for comfort encounter with the bounty hunter and a run in with an Imperial scouting convoy. They landed on Hoth in the middle of a blizzard then he was put straight to work setting up perimeter sensors. To top it all off, Luke went missing and Han ended up on the frozen tundra overnight trying to keep the kid warm and alive.
Han went out after Luke without thinking anything beyond Luke needed help and he wasn't going to leave him on his own. The kid was alive and now recovering in the med center and that's what mattered. But it would be a lie, now that they were back safe and sound on base, if Han didn't admit he'd hoped for some kind of reaction from Leia.
That wasn't entirely true. She did react. She was clearly distraught. She ran to Luke's side as they pulled him from the speeder and followed the stretcher to the med center. But she barely looked in Han's direction. Chewie insisted the Princess was worried about both of them but Han didn't know what to believe. She seemed to be having a lot of trouble looking at him since their time in the hold.
In the almost two months since, it had been a messed-up ride for him. Han tried not to focus on it, tried not to think about her saying she wanted his touch or how she responded to him. He was pissed and worried when she went to meet Pyrtor. He was excited to see her, probably too excited, when she got back and didn't do a great job of hiding it. He practically ran up to the ship as she walked off, probably had some goofy grin plastered all over his face.
He should have known better. Public displays of affection, unless they were with Luke or Chewie, were not allowed. She had strict rules, drummed into her from a very young age, about how one behaved in public. But it's not like he was going to kiss her in front of everyone. He was just damn glad she was alive and got back in one piece.
She stopped as soon as she saw him, gave the smallest of smiles then put her public mask back on. "Good to see you, Captain."
"You, too, Princess. Hope it was a good trip." He could play at that game, too.
"It was." She walked off in the direction of the command center without even an over-the-shoulder glance. He knew because he watched her until she was out of the hanger.
It didn't really get much better. He figured she'd be different once they got some time alone but that didn't happen. She kept her distance. Didn't even do late nights working on her own so he couldn't drop in and check on her. Sit like they used to. They still worked together, sat in meetings, went on missions, moved everything down to Hoth, but there was an invisible wall between them. He tried talking to her about things but she wouldn't engage. Well, he tried standing close to her and saying some version of Hey repeatedly but she either didn't pick up on his signals or chose to ignore him.
His instincts told him she still wanted him, wanted to be with him, but something had changed. She was pulling back even more. It wasn't even like it was at the beginning when they were so cautious with each other. She was shutting him out in a whole new way. Even others noticed.
Chewie was giving him all kinds of trouble about it. He thought Han was getting too tangled up and wasn't seeing things clearly anymore.
[You're losing your edge. That bounty hunter was almost on top of you before you noticed.]
"But I noticed. We got away." It was a close call and it was Leia who was caught in the crossfire. She was okay but Han was rattled. Still, he wasn't going to let Chewie think he didn't have everything completely under control. "Ain't nothing we haven't dealt with before."
The actual mission on Ord Mantell had gone smoothly. Leia met the contact, got the funds from the hidden account, and they were making their way back to the Falcon with Han acting as security beside her and Luke working the street a bit farther ahead. Then the bounty hunter arrived. They got away but she ended up with a graze from a blaster bolt and Han felt a level of anxiety he hadn't experienced in years.
Even when they were in hyperspace and heading back to base, he couldn't calm down. He was furious, mostly at himself for putting her in that position and not keeping her safe. He was pissed that he was pissed, that he cared this much, that he loved her. Pissed that he couldn't tell her loved her, or that he was worried and didn't want to lose her. How do you say, you mean everything to me to someone who clearly didn't want you to say anything remotely similar?
"Are you mad at me?" Leia begrudgingly agreed to let him clean and bandage her arm. This was as close, as intimate, as they'd been since the night in the hold. She sat up straight in the med bunk, extended her arm just enough to give him the access he needed.
He looked at her, almost a glare. "Why would I be mad at you?"
"That's what I was wondering. Why would you be mad at me when I'm the one who got shot by your bounty hunter?"
Han was careful holding her arm but he yanked at the bandages with his other hand as he unfurled them from the package and mumbled. "Maybe that's the fucking point."
She kept her expression as neutral as possible. "Safe isn't an absolute. We've all had to deal with these situations. There will be more."
Han finished wrapping the bandage around her arm. "So, no big deal, right? You're just a pal who got shot so why would I be mad? Just another day at the office, right?"
He saw a flash of something, maybe concern, but couldn't say for certain. He had the sudden urge to run. His chest was tight. Getting tighter. He threw the remaining supplies in the med kit and slammed the lid shut.
"Thank you." Her voice was soft, kind. He knew her eyes were still on him but he couldn't face her.
"I'll send you the bill." He almost ran into Luke as he left the cabin and wondered how long the kid had been standing there.
Han didn't know how to face any of them for the rest of the trip back so he kept himself removed. Worked on repairs, didn't join them for dinner. He kept at it until Chewie came to get him when it was time to drop out of hyperspace. He got them through the blizzard as they landed on Echo Base and he and Leia went back to their new routines of working alongside each other and keeping their distance.
Chewie wanted him to deal with the debt. Said things were getting worse and maybe Jabba would be more forgiving if Han showed up on his own accord. Han knew it was a joke that he spent years threatening to leave and as soon as Chewie pushed him to do just that, he was dragging his feet. But he couldn't do it yet.
"We'll get them set up here then go." Han hated Hoth, hated the cold, but acted like it was reasonable place to live for the sake of this argument.
[The Princess will understand. Eventually. And if you make it up to Jabba maybe you can get back here.]
The Wookiee was only looking out for him, like always, but Chewie didn't understand. Han almost had something in his grasp and even if he didn't fully understand what that was, he wasn't about it lose it now. He couldn't name it because he'd never had it or felt it before. It was unfamiliar territory but he knew it was just out of his reach. He knew the odds were against him but when had that ever stopped him?
He did supply runs. Helped the Rebels blast out new tunnels and learned how to ride a tauntaun to patrol the area. He played cards with the Rogues and worked with Luke on his X-Wing. Fought with Leia about missions, schedules, supplies and base protocols. It seemed like the only way they could communicate anymore. They were times when they were locked in a gaze that seemed never ending until, of course, it did end with Leia turning away then refusing to acknowledge that it happened.
He started upping his threats to leave, claiming it was imminent, trying to get a rise out of her. He even went so far as to tell Luke when they were out on patrol.
"What?" Luke's voice crackled over the commlink. "When did you decide this?"
"I decided before we left Yavin but I hit a few delays."
Luke laughed. "Three years is a lot of delays."
"Things were busy. I got distracted."
He told Rieekan he was leaving.
He fought with Leia in the South Passage telling her he'd stay if she wasn't so cold and admitted her feelings for him, which technically was true but was also designed to have the biggest impact and maybe make her crack. It didn't. He recognized a flicker of something but she stormed off per usual and he was left bewildered and angry.
But it was the night on the tundra that finally did it. Luke delirious and near death. Too much time for Han to think as he tried to keep his friend alive. Talking too much to himself, trying to keep Luke engaged. He finally acknowledged that Luke was right and she wasn't going to meet him halfway. He'd settle for a quarter or a third even. It was a revelation that he would settle at all but that was the score. When they got back to base and she barely looked at him, he knew it wasn't going to change.
Leaving, getting his own shit in order, dealing with Jabba and, hopefully, getting over Leia, was his only option. It was a matter of self-preservation and that was his only rule, the only reason he had made it even this far. If he wasn't going to look out for himself, no one would.
Then the Imperial probe droid was discovered and the evacuation order was given. The base erupted in ordered chaos as equipment was packed and loaded on transports. Everyone knew the drill. Han and Chewie finished up the last of the repairs, as much as they could get to, and fired up the iFalcon/i when they were given the clearance to leave.
But he had a feeling. He listened to the reports. Knew officers and members of High Command on base were getting on their transports and when he heard the command center was hit, he couldn't leave. Han knew he would find her there and he needed to get her to safety before he could take off.
The next few hours, or maybe it was a day, several days, were pure adrenaline-fueled madness. They made it off planet with Leia and Threepio in tow but the hyperdrive malfunctioned and were left to out-maneuver Star Destroyers and TIEs until they could fix it. He flew them through an asteroid field, which knocked out a few more TIEs, but they weren't able to lose them until he performed a sleight of ship maneuver that ended with the Falcon floating off with Imperial garbage. As soon as he and Chewie had the time to devote to the hyperdrive, they got it in enough working order to make the jump toward the rendezvous point.
Han and Leia spent the first while in hyperspace barely speaking. He had other repairs to focus on, she tried writing a report on their escape, but neither could concentrate. They moved around each other, circling their target then bouncing back out. They might have continued on this path if not for Chewie.
The Wookiee arrived in the lounge with two bowls of food. He placed them on the table, one in front of Leia, then physically dragged Han from the engineering station, as the pilot shouted in protest, to the bench.
[I made food. Eat.]
Han tried to stand up, tried to argue, but Chewie pushed him back down.
[Sit. You need to talk.]
Leia looked over at Han. "Are you still leaving?"
"Yes." Han scowled but picked up the spoon knowing he wouldn't get far with Chewie on guard.
"Then I'm sorry, Chewie." She looked up at the Wookiee. "There's nothing for us to discuss."
[Don't leave things unanswered. There are too many hard roads ahead.]
"Great." Han put on an exaggerated, sarcastic smile. "The Wookiee philosopher has arrived."
[How about this? Get your head out of your ass! Talk honestly for once. You're both being idiots.]
Han waved a hand in dismissal but Leia looked genuinely shocked that Chewie called her an idiot. No one called her an idiot. And Chewie almost always took her side when she fought with Han.
[Eat. Talk.] And with that direction, Chewie left the lounge.
Han rubbed his face a few times then ran his fingers through his hair. "You're not gonna give an inch, are you?"
"It would help, Captain Solo, if you didn't speak in riddles. You know what the issue is, you know the Alliance is at a critical juncture. We need every being and ship available to continue this fight. You know how strapped the Alliance is and now we've had to evacuate Hoth."
"Not my problem." He leaned in, trying to soften her stare. "Leia, I've got to take care of things. Jabba's not giving up."
"The Empire's not giving up. We're not giving up. And we need you. And Chewie."
"Who could resist that pitch? So personal."
She chose to ignore his sarcasm. "At least stay until we have a report on Hoth. We don't know the full impact of our losses."
"Then there'll be a mission we need to be on. Then a run."
"That's because we need you!" How did he not understand these simple facts? Why did he insist on only seeing the world, the rebellion, the war, from his own narrow point of view? Why did she put so much faith in him in the first place?
He watched her. He knew what was next and waited for the drop.
"You and Chewie." Leia sat up in her most regal fashion. "The Falcon. You're valuable assets."
"Assets for the Rebellion."
"Of course." She kept her pose, her poise, her chin raised ever so slightly higher.
"It's like getting a princess form letter." He ate a spoonful of the stew, trying to appear natural, casual, but it looked like he was very angry with the food. "To whom it may concern. The Rebellion sees you only as a number and how you can best serve the cause. Please don't attach emotion or any type of human response to this interaction. This is strictly business. Thank you for your service."
"Oh, my apologies, Captain!" Leia put a hand on her chest, feigning heartache. "Did I not put you first? I forgot that this war is entirely about you. Maybe you should have the princess title. You certainly seem to need that pedestal."
"You know, that response doesn't work much against you being a rebel princess automaton." He ate another angry spoonful of food. "Maybe the only way to get a genuine reaction from you is if my head's between your legs."
Her face immediately turned a bright red. "How do you know that was a genuine reaction? I can be a very polite person, you know. It's all a part of my diplomatic training."
"I know what genuine tastes like."
She looked away. She needed a moment to compose herself. Regain her bearings.
"Leia." His voice was softer now. He was leaning in, trying to get her to look at him. "I don't want to go but I got no reason to stay."
Leia closed her eyes. "Shut up. Stop talking."
Her diplomatic training wasn't helping her anymore.
"My mark's too high. Every bounty hunter in the galaxy's gonna be looking for me." He put a hand over hers but she pulled away. Dropped her hands to her lap. "Dying for Jabba isn't a noble cause and that's exactly what's gonna happen if I don't do something. You getting hurt or worse cos of my debt doesn't solve or save anything. It's my debt. I need to deal with it."
"You've said it before." There was a touch of desperation in her voice. She was used to winning these battles. She almost always had the edge over him. He'd argue until he ran out of breath but almost always gave in. If she needed him, Han always gave in. That was the pattern they long ago established and it wasn't fair of him to change the rules now. "The Rebellion is a great place to hide."
"'Cept they know I'm here."
"They know we're all here. But I'm not running away. Luke isn't. Just you." He looked at her sharply, stung by that last statement. She felt that surge of power, knowing she could inflict a flash a pain. Transfer if from her to him. "You're the coward."
"I'm the coward?" The finger came out, pointing at her. His face locked in a grimace. "You're the one hiding behind your noble cause. Hiding behind your princess decorum. Your virgin dresses. Even though you lost the right to wear white a long time ago."
He waited a moment to make sure that one landed. But he wanted to get something else through to her.
"Leia, you got a chance at something real here."
She laughed at him. "Are you what's real? You've spent three years telling me you're leaving, I'm delusional, this is a lost cause. Is that the real part? Is that what I'm missing out on? Because it always felt pretty real every time you said it."
Yeah, he said it. He spent a lot of time trying to knock her off balance so he could feel more stable. He needed to say that to her in an attempt to convince himself. That was as obvious as how much he loved her.
"And I've been here for three years! Never signed up but also barely got paid. I gave back most of the fucking reward!"
"I stand corrected. You are a hero."
"You're damn fucking right I'm a hero!" He pushed his bowl away because he needed to do something. If the table wasn't bolted down he would have thrown it across the lounge. "I put me and Chewie and my ship on the line every damn day. Don't act like I didn't fight right beside you, followed you into idiotic missions. Found your rebellion every fucking thing it needed. Got you whatever I could find from Alderaan."
"I did not ask you to do that!" She was shouting. Leia placed her hands on the table, palms down, trying to ground herself. It felt like she might fly off in a whirl of anger and frustration. "You did that on your own. I asked nothing of you other than service to the Rebellion. The rest is all on you."
He crossed his arms over his chest, looked away. He actually couldn't argue against that point.
"How do you sleep at night?" Her voice was calmer now but just as biting. "Knowing that you're abandoning everyone."
"I sleep better than you."
He saw her flinch then quickly regain her composure. He knew it wasn't fair to bring up her nightmares, her guilt and compulsion to work constantly to save the galaxy. Her stable world had been ripped away from her and she still couldn't find her equilibrium. Her sleeping mind never let her forget what she lost.
He could sleep soundly, even if it was only in short bursts, because his life had always been chaos. His mind struggled when things were quiet because he couldn't hear what direction danger was approaching from. Being with her calmed him. She was the rock he was searching for without knowing that's what he needed. In that moment, she felt like the rock that was going to pull him under.
"I don't know what I was thinking." She placed her hands back in her lap. "I thought you changed. But you're still the same self-centered mercenary you always were. I suppose if we had had more credits to offer you would stick around."
"Most of us have to fight for a living one way or another."
"If you officially joined, you wouldn't have to worry about credits."
He shook his head. She refused to let go of this thread. "Other than that pesky Jabba thing."
"The Alliance would take care of your every need."
"Not every need."
Leia was so angry her mouth had gone dry. He wanted everyone, especially her, to believe he only thought with this cock.
"And you think that should be your payment for staying? When we talked about Pyrtor, you acted like that form of prostitution was an insult. But now it seems like you're fine if it works in your favour."
"Fuck off, Leia." His chest rose and fell as he tried controlling his breathing.
"Fuck off. Fuck on. As long as we fuck. Whatever it takes, right?"
"I didn't say that. You know that's not what I meant."
"Do I know that? This isn't the first time you called me a prostitute so why stop now?"
"Fine. Point taken."
"There are so many things you don't understand." She had to look down. If she looked at him directly, she might cry. This wasn't the time to cry. "I can't talk about this right now. I can't think about it. We need to get to the rendezvous and regroup. I need to focus on that and only that."
"You don't want to think about it because then you'd have to admit you fucked Pyrtor for shitty intel."
He kept doing this. Saying things he didn't mean and immediately regretted. He hated himself for letting his own pain take over and inflict any damage on her. He tried touching her arm but she flinched and pulled back.
"Leia." His voice was small, broken. "I didn't mean it. I was… I let…"
He was never great at talking in this kind of situation. Though to be fair, he'd pretty much only had this kind of situation with Leia because he usually didn't care enough with anyone else to fix his mistakes. He knew whatever he said next would be wrong but he tried anyway.
"It's all your business. Your life. You're not doing anything wrong."
"Oh good. I feel so relieved knowing you don't think I'm doing anything wrong in my private life. I have your approval to do what I want. Finally!"
"Don't mean that either. I'm not great at saying these things…"
"On the contrary, you seem quite capable of speaking your mind."
"Okay, I deserve that. I was way out of line. Repeatedly." He'd lost his anger but hers was still in place. "I let other things take over. Shouldn't have attacked you. Especially not now."
"If you know how I'm supposed to get this right, please tell me." She shook her head and swallowed hard, keeping all tears at bay. "Even if we win we lose. We can call something a victory but we've lost soldiers, personnel, resources, time. We'll spin this one as a victory because we can fight another day but everyone knows the truth. I have to fight for every mission I go on. Justify my very existence in this war. A war started by my father. A war, a fight, he prepared me for every day of my life. How can you not understand that this is what I was raised to be? This is who I am. This is all I am."
"That's not true."
She scoffed, wiped her face with the sleeve of her quilted jacket. "What am I then?"
"You're Leia."
"What does that mean?!" She was shouting again. Back to being furious. "Is that the Ice Princess or someone who prostitutes herself for information? A figurehead of a dead planet or military leader? Someone who can actually help win this war or who will continue to send people to their death for no reason?"
"It's someone who cares for others more than herself. And who deserves a lot more than she's getting."
Han rubbed his face with both hands, pressing hard on his eyes. He was trying to calm himself down. His eyes were hard but not angry. They were filled with something more. Concern. Affection. Pain. She wasn't sure what she was seeing or what she wanted to see.
"I hate how they treat you."
She was taken aback. That statement seemed to reveal too much.
"I don't do anything I don't want to do. The Rebellion is the most important thing. It always comes first."
"Not to me."
"No, you always come first to you." She sounded more resigned then angry.
"We've covered that already." He was trying to make her laugh.
She smiled, almost shyly. This entire exchange had already been a torrent of emotions. Moving up and down and in all directions. She felt like she was spinning out of control and losing every anchor she had.
"I can't explain loyalty to you. Or sacrifice." He groaned as she spoke. Rolled his eyes and leaned back. "My parents gave their lives to this war."
"No. The Empire took their lives. Not the same thing."
"I know family doesn't mean the same thing to you but I can't let their deaths be in vain. I will do whatever it takes to bring the Empire down. It's about more than legacy."
"I understand legacy."
"I don't mean in the grand or pompous sense. Royal titles. I mean what families hand down to us. What we carry with us. That we carry their memories, their shadows, their influence. My parents taught me it's an honour to serve others. It's more than simply giving back. And now they're gone and I'm carrying both their legacies; politician, rebel, princess. I will do whatever I need to do for Bail and Breha. For Tycho's parents. For every Alderaanian. Every being who has suffered and lost. I carry that legacy. I know for you, family doesn't matter. They don't affect you. You are your own man. Of your own creation. But that's not who I am."
"I understand." His voice was harsher this time.
"Fine. You understand the meaning of the word. I'm talking about understanding the feeling. Knowing."
He leaned forward again. His hand slid across the table and grabbed one of hers. He gripped it tightly. She caught his gaze and his eyes were dark, maybe darker than she'd ever seen them before.
"Do you want to know who knocked me out the first time? And the second? And the third?"
Leia remembered their chrono game and how he avoided that question. She had thought about it in the time since but never pursued it. It was clearly something he didn't want to talk about.
"My old man."
He waited for Leia to react and when she didn't he kept going.
"The first time I was little kid. Like six. It was a sucker punch. Don't think he meant to knock me out but he was drunk and you can guess how that goes. He clocked me cos I didn't like my meal or some bullshit thing."
She tried pulling her hand away but he held on. Forced her to look at him.
"The other times were cos I fought back. Or I messed up somehow. But he was bigger, and drunk, and didn't take much to flatten me. But I learned to fight and deflect and swing at something if I had to."
She didn't try pulling away again. Instead, she gripped back, held his gaze.
"By the time he left, I was still a kid, around ten, but I could do real damage. I could run fast. I knew when the shit was gonna fly. I could stand my ground and I wasn't afraid of him. And I wasn't scared when he was gone and I was on my own cos I knew it was better than with him. So, don't tell me I don't fucking understand a family legacy. Mine just isn't full of hugs and noble causes."
It was his turn to pull back and hers to hang on.
"Where was your mother?" Her voice was small. She felt small. Tentative.
"What?"
"When your father left?"
There was a moment when he looked almost defeated then shook his head. "Dead. She'd been dead a awhile by then."
Leia didn't know how to respond. She wanted him to know that he wasn't alone. She cared. That yes, all those experiences made him who he was but there was so much more. She knew and felt so much more in him.
If she doubted it before, it was impossible to ignore now. She loved him. She loved that he had experienced so much and was still so capable of caring. She loved that he tried so hard to take care of her. She loved that he trusted her enough to say these things even if it was in a moment of anger.
As she worked the command center, she was convinced he was already gone. She told herself it was a good thing. She only had to worry about what was directly in front of her and if things ended for her she at least knew she fought the good fight. As soon as she saw him, though, her heart cracked. He came for her. He would always be there. It was everything she wanted and everything she tried to avoid.
They paused for some time in silence. His thumb drew patterns on the back of her hand.
"Leia." He swallowed, tried to control his voice. "Ask me to stay."
She bit her bottom lip, shook her head. "That's what I've been doing."
"Not for the rebellion. For you." He slid closer to her on the bench, brought her hand closer to his chest. He knew it wasn't how most people saw him but wanted her to see earnest. Kind. Honest. He'd opened a door and was trying not to shut it. "I know it's complicated. I get it. I know you got Pyrtor to deal with but I've been here the whole time. Ask me to stay."
She looked up at him. She watched as he kissed her palm. His other hand went to her cheek and she leaned into it. His hands were rough and strong from work. Her gaze moved between his eyes and lips as he moved closer, pausing for a moment then lightly kissing her. A small, almost gentle kiss.
She smiled in return, one corner of her mouth lifting. He broke out into a wide, quick grin before kissing her again.
They kept it slow. Their hands moved from waist, to neck, to cheek, to hair. She pressed her body against him, a leg reached over his. Tongues slid between lips, quietly explored. It was a time to savour, to drink each other in. Breathe in a familiar scent. Breathe out names spoken just above a whisper. He nibbled at her earlobe, kissed down her neck and only broke away when he emitted a soft chuckle.
She looked at him, smiling, a hand tucked inside his shirt, resting against his bare collarbone. "What's so funny?"
"Guess I just never know which way things are going to go with you." He tucked strands of hair behind her ear. He kissed her nose then lips again.
She laughed, kissed his nose then lips. "Well, I wouldn't want to be too obvious."
He truly was devastatingly handsome, in a lop-sided, kind of scruffy way. She pressed herself closer, moved her leg higher up on his thigh. Her hand went up the back of his neck and through his hair. This kiss was deeper, more passionate. She leaned back so he would follow and moaned softly against his lips.
"Listen." She needed to catch her breath. He moved down her neck again, giving her soft kisses, as his hand stroked up and down her side. "Pyrtor isn't really a concern. We broke up."
He pulled back, looked at her with wide, surprised eyes, then laughed. "Once again, Sweetheart. You're shaking things up."
He kissed her, leaning her back almost to the bench and she laughed against his lips. Leia felt her chest spread wide. Emotion spilled out and flowed in. It was an unfamiliar and welcome rush.
"When?"
She traced his lips with her thumb, amazed at their softness. "When what?"
"When did you break up with Pyrtor?"
Her body stiffened. He saw the flash of panic move through her eyes and he leaned back to get a better look at her.
"We broke up a while ago." She didn't want to loosen her grip on him. Didn't want him to move any farther away. She focused on her thumb moving along his jawline, to ear and back rather than look him in the eye.
"How long is a while ago?" He wasn't laughing anymore. His hands rested on her waist and he shifted her body slightly so she would have to face him. "When did you break up with him?"
Leia cleared her throat. She knew there was no escaping this conversation and, for the life of her, she couldn't remember why she didn't have it earlier. Much, much earlier.
"I don't remember exactly."
"Work it out." His voice had regained its edge. "Kochi?"
"Before."
He looked stunned, confused as he processed what she said, then laughed. "What? Before Kochi?"
She straightened up, took hold of the front of his shirt like she needed him for balance. "I know it looks bad. Strange. I don't even know how to explain it."
He pulled her hand from his shirt. "How much before Kochi?"
"A while." She shifted slightly. Pushed back hair from her forehead. "Really, it was over long before then but officially on Wallern."
"That was two years ago."
"Not quite." Leia could see he wasn't interested in her pointing out specifics. "But yes, close."
"Does Luke know?"
She shook her head. "I think he suspected something was odd but I never said anything to him."
Leia tugged on his shirt lightly, letting him know she wanted him to move closer. Once again, he pushed her hand back.
"So, for most of the time we've known each other, you haven't been with Pyrtor. Just lying. Faking it."
He remembered Kochi. The dinner on the Falcon. The card game and Pyrtor's refusal to see Leia's reaction to his Alderaan talk. Han remembered his anger, their fight, and storming out. He remembered his confusion and need to blow off steam, prove she didn't have a hold on him.
He thought about every time they were drawn to each other and the excuse of the boyfriend kept them apart. All the times he thought, believed, their connection was real. When he left himself open, vulnerable. He trusted her. They were kept apart by circumstances. She just had to figure some things out. She was a mess cos of everything that happened to her. She only needed time. She was worth the wait.
He wasn't laughing anymore. Leia tried to read what was in Han's eyes. It looked like a mix of anger and disappointment. Or maybe that was her own reflection she saw.
"It wasn't a lie. I wasn't lying. I never said we were still together. I never called him my partner or boyfriend." She watched him slide away on the bench. "It was an omission not a lie."
"Fine. Why omit the truth?"
How could she explain? I needed a barricade from you. If I didn't have the excuse of a boyfriend then I'd have to deal with what was happening between us. I was trying to avoid us. You. Feeling anything.
"I… It's not what you think."
"If you got all the answers, Princess, what am I thinking?"
She placed a hand on his chest but he pushed it aside, sat back further.
"I imagine you are wondering why I didn't say anything."
"Close. Wondering if you kept me around, strung me along, cos you wanted me to work for the Rebellion."
"No!" She felt the colour drain from her face. "That's not it at all."
"You're saying you weren't with him but played nice so he'd still give up information. I flew you to all those meet-ups. You sat there and said nothing."
"I didn't say anything because it's none of your business!" If all else fails, go with the tried and true. "I realize this is hard for you to understand but you weren't my first consideration. I wasn't my first consideration. Other things take precedence."
"I can't believe I fell for this." He leaned his elbows on the table and dropped his head into his hands. He rubbed his face while groaning. "Motherfucker! How did I fall for this?"
"Han, I know I should have said something. I'm sorry." She touched his arm but he sat back quickly like her touched burned him. His face was contorted in anger and frustration and her defenses went up. "I wasn't dwelling on the relationship or its dissolution because there were far more pressing matters at hand. What does it matter when I broke up with Pyrtor?"
Leia sat back against the bench. Hands went back in her lap. Again, she wandered why she didn't think to bring water with her. She needed to refocus and regain her direction. She could get this conversation back on track.
"Let's recap." His eyes were dark again. His jaw set and clenched. His hands, balled into fists, rested on the table. "You strung Pyrtor along so he'd give up some low-rent secrets from his family empire."
"That's not true."
"You kept me around, dropped little hints that maybe there'd be a bit more, so I'd fly you around the galaxy. Use my ship to cart Rebel crap and put my neck on the line against Star Destroyers and the Death Star."
"It wasn't like that!"
"Sure, it wasn't, Sweetheart. You're always on the up and up, aren't you?" He practically spit the words out.
"You're deliberately manipulating the situation to suit your purposes. And I certainly never asked you to stay on my account."
"But you knew that's what was going on! Everyone fucking knew."
Her teeth were clenched so tightly together her jaw ached. She rubbed her palms up and down her thighs.
"You call me the mercenary but at least I'm honest about it. Never lied that I was after a pay day. And I never lied to anyone to get them in bed. Never let on I was anyone other than me."
"Don't act so innocent."
"You don't get to be high and mighty and pure after that performance. You act like your life is all about sacrifice but you're the only one getting what you want."
"That's not true. I never get what I want!"
"Was Luke part of your plan? I mean the kid dropped his crush early but maybe you were throwing him a bone on the side. Got to keep the hero of the Rebellion happy."
She turned away, closed her eyes, tried to keep her breath steady.
"Nah. I guess that one was safe, right? He's indoctrinated into your cause so you didn't have to put the same amount of effort into that one anymore. But you had to give me just enough to keep me around."
"You're being an ass."
"Was that business in the hold just enough to keep me interested? Just a taste, so to speak? Worked out well for you, though, didn't it? You got off. Then you got Tech Boy info. Made sure Luke was wrapped around your finger flying you around."
"At least we know where your priorities lie and it's all below your belt."
"I can get a fuck anywhere, Princess. You know that's not what I'm talking about."
"You're truly enjoying this, aren't you? You think you're so clever and have everything—me—all figured out. In truth, you're the same blind, narcissistic, ignoramus you always were."
"Nah, this is my moment of clarity. It's like I got the Force. I can see right through you."
"That's not how the Force works, you ignoramus."
"The one part I don't got figured out is if you were still putting out for old Pyrtor this whole time. Gotta keep him in line, right? Were you just giving me some sloppy seconds?" He waited until her eyes landed on him in full, dark fury then gave her a smirk. "Tell me, how long would I have to stick around until I get a pity fuck, too?"
Her bowl of untouched stew hit him squarely in the chest. He barely flinched as it splashed over his chest and face, the bench behind him. The bowl crashed to the deck breaking into pieces.
He still had his smirk but his eyes betrayed him. They were filled with anger and pain but she could barely make them out. Her own had filled up with tears.
"I hate you," she choked out.
"You broke me." He wanted to wipe away her tears. Hold her. To go back five minutes when he thought the world had turned around. When he thought things were finally going to go right.
[We're almost at our destination.]
They both heard Chewbacca approach and neither turned to look at him. Han stood up and left for the cockpit without another word.
There was no way for Leia to explain the situation or her actions to Chewbacca. She couldn't explain it to herself. She didn't even remember picking up the bowl but felt the satisfaction of it hitting its target.
"I'm sorry, Chewie." She had stopped crying but her voice was still tight. It was hard to swallow. "I can clean up."
The Wookiee was already picking up the bowl pieces and placing them on the table. [Don't worry, Princess. I can take care of it.]
"Honestly, Chewie. I made the mess. I should clean." She slid to the edge of the bench and stood up.
[I would prefer if you didn't.]
He left the lounge and returned a moment later with a wet cloth. He wiped off the bench as she fidgeted from one foot to the other.
"I'm not even sure what happened. Han said something hurtful and I lost control."
[He's an idiot.] Chewie worked without looking back at her. [He says too many things without thinking them through.]
Leia worried that the tears were returning. "He was reacting to something I did. I understand why he was angry but he refused to see my side. He wouldn't listen to what I was saying."
[Why should he believe you?]
"Excuse me?"
[Why should he believe you? Why should I?]
Leia's mouth hung open in shock. Tears started up again and rolled down her cheeks.
Chewbacca turned to her. He towered over Leia but his demeanor was gentle. Stern but kind.
[Why should anyone believe you when you've been lying to everyone this whole time, most of all yourself?]
She couldn't stop the flow of tears. She shook her head, trying to deny everything she knew to be true.
[Han is an idiot. Most of the time. He lashes out when he's threatened or scared. He thinks he will find control in complete chaos. But that's not who he was for you. With you. Because of you. You know what is true.]
"I really don't know what you're talking about." Her voice cracked. She strained to be heard.
[You need to make a choice.]
"I need to focus." She kept shaking her head. She could barely see Chewie through her tears. "I need to work more. Harder. Nothing else matters. There are no other options. Make a choice. What choices do I have? It's condescending, paternalistic, infuriating, that everyone insists choosing a man will make everything better. That won't end the war. Maybe there's some solace in it. Maybe strength. Maybe even hope. But how does that defeat the Empire? Who does that help?"
Chewie placed a paw on her shoulder and kissed the top of her head. [Choose you.]
He left the lounge and headed up the corridor to the cockpit.
She wasn't sure what to do as the Falcon exited hyperspace and prepared to dock with the fleet. She didn't want to face Han or Chewie so she hid in the fresher until she heard the engines shut down. She knew it was a coward's move but she honestly didn't have enough strength for anything else. She was going to need whatever strength she had to walk off the ship and resume her duties.
Chewie was doing a quick check of the Falcon's hull and Han was talking to the deck officer when she stepped off the ramp. She could see the recently reactivated Threepio tottering off into the distance. She quickly scanned the hanger and there weren't nearly as many ships as she hoped. There was a chance that more would arrive but she knew things were dire.
Chewie gave her a hug and grumbled a soft goodbye before walking back up the ramp. She kept her breathing even, swallowed back more tears. When Han approached she was able to look at him and not fall apart.
"You're not even going to bother checking in? Make sure Luke got back alright."
"The kid's fine. And we already said goodbye."
Leia nodded once. She stopped herself from biting her bottom lip. She looked at his hands, clasping his hips, two fingers locked in belt loops. He was trying to stop them from trembling. She could see his chest rise and hitch with his uneven breathing.
She was in a million pieces and no one would be there to help her hold them in place.
"Very well, Captain." She cleared her throat a final time. "Clear skies."
"Give him hell, Leia."
She nodded again and walked away. He didn't watch her leave. He didn't know what it would do to him if she didn't turn for a final glance.
Chewie was waiting for him at the top of the ramp. [I hope you know what you're doing.]
"Trust me." Han punched in the code and the Falcon sealed shut. "I don't."
He gave himself a few moments, a chance to back down. He could drop the ramp and run after Leia and let whatever happened next happen. He'd run headfirst into the unknown plenty of times and almost always figured it out along the way. He was walking away from more than Leia. As hard as it was to admit, he'd built a life with the Rebellion. A lot had changed in three years that he wasn't yet willing to take stock of.
"Okay, let's get moving." Han's voice was passive, almost numb. "It's gonna be a long one."
A/N: The line, "Why should anyone believe you when you've been lying to everyone this whole time, most of all yourself' is from A Room with a View. Basically, I cast Chewie as Mr. Emerson. Sigh.
