Chapter Sixteen
"Astrid!"
Leia didn't turn around though her ears perked up. She hadn't used that name in years but some instincts didn't fade. Some part of her brain would always register hearing the names Astrid, Senator, Sweetheart. She continued on her way to the mess tent, hoping there would be fresh, or close to fresh, kaffe. The day was already too hot for kaffe but it had also been too long and she needed an extra boost.
She had arrived on Marlja late the previous night. Even though she insisted she didn't require special treatment, they found her a private tent. Unfortunately, she still stayed up far too late preparing for her meetings and didn't get near enough sleep. Leia didn't mind piloting herself on this tour—in fact, she had argued with High Command for permission to go on her own and she liked the freedom it allowed—but it certainly cut down on her prep-time.
"Astrid! Funny meeting you here."
This time Leia did turn around and saw a woman, in a flight suit and hands on hips, smiling at her.
"Tess!" Leia broke out into wide grin. Her first instinct was to hug Tess but held herself back. She wasn't sure what the etiquette was in this situation. They had only met that one time but Leia felt an affection for the older woman. It was one of the few easy relationships she had encountered. "What are you doing here?"
Tess, however, had little concern about etiquette. She gave Leia a swift, tight hug then stepped back.
"Helping out with whatever needs doing." Tess wore a wide, genuine smile. "I hear things might be on the move."
Leia smiled and gave a slight nod. She was on a tour of Outer Rim bases, and any cell she could access without too much fanfare, to discuss the upcoming campaign. They couldn't risk sharing the information over comms systems, especially after the Pyrtor incident, so it needed to be face-to-face whenever possible. It was also an opportunity to connect with Rebels and supporters who were often cut-off from central intelligence and High Command. Leia had made it her personal mission to unify these sometimes separate and disparate forces.
The tour was Leia's idea and, once again, she had to convince Alliance leadership it was a good idea. In the end, it was Mon Mothma who made the final call and agreed with Leia's pitch. Most likely, they were facing a battle that could mean the turning point in the war. The Alliance could gain the upper hand or be finally, and unequivocally, eliminated. In the event they were victorious, they needed to be prepared. They couldn't wait for the dust to settle. There would be no time to regroup. They must be a unified force if they hoped to move forward.
"I didn't know you worked with the Alliance." Leia had learned to accept these surprises, both good and bad, over these years. Beings could always surprise you.
Tess shrugged. "Here and there. Have for years."
It had been almost three years since Leia last saw Tess but she didn't look a day older. Her hair was still pulled into a messy but composed bun. Her lips a bright red. Leia wondered what Tess saw when she looked at her.
She knew her face had thinned out. She was wearing an Alliance uniform that didn't quite fit her. The pants were a bit too long and the cuffs were rolled up past her ankle boots. The belt was cinched tight, bunching the fabric around her waist. Six months earlier, the uniform was almost falling off her because she had lost too much weight but she was back to regular meals and exercising lately. Still, she must look older. She felt older. Less like the princess who drink too much whiskey and played paddle ball in that cantina all those years ago.
"Were you working for the Alliance when we met on Deandra?"
Tess smiled. "I was. Though it was more sporadic back then. I became a bit more serious in the last year and a bit."
"Did you know who I was?"
Tess laughed. "It wasn't the kind of establishment to have that conversation. Also, I didn't know about that guy you were with. Couldn't tell if he was in on it or some kind of mark."
Leia decided to avoid the Pyrtor topic all together.
"Did Captain Solo know? That you knew."
Tess laughed. "I asked but he would neither confirm nor deny."
"He didn't mention anything to me. That you recognized me."
"That sounds like him." Tess noticed Leia's look of concern. "He knew that information wasn't going anywhere. We never talked politics but he knew where my loyalties were and knew I would keep that information safe. Besides, it was obvious he was involved, too." She smiled again. "Despite his claim of only being a hired pilot."
Leia gave another small smile and nod. In the first few months after Han left, she couldn't hear his name without feeling either rage or the need to cry. Sometimes both. She went back to her self-isolation tactics. Keeping everyone at a distance. It didn't help that Luke was also gone. She knew it was the leave he had never officially requested and he would return but it didn't change the fact that she was, suddenly and utterly, alone.
"I was on my way for a kaffe." Leia nodded her head toward the mess tent. "Can I buy you a cup?"
"I can always use one more."
The base was a small cluster of camouflaged tents, including meeting rooms and some barracks, while the main tech facilities and most of the activity were underground. Marlja was a centrally located moon so it served as an easy transfer station for Rebel personnel and goods. It was also the main tech depot for the region and one of the few places where Leia could connect with High Command. Her next two days would likely be spent in the bunker strategizing, recapping what she had encountered so far and confirming next steps.
The two women walked into the mess hall and both recoiled slightly at the heat. There were large fans tucked into the ceiling and more placed strategically around the tent but there was only so much that could be done against the stifling heat. Leia nodded to the few beings who noted her entrance but most were locked in their own conversations. She and Tess moved to the counter to help themselves to the kaffe.
"The truth is," Leia said. "I haven't seen Captain Solo in quite some time. He left the Alliance about a year ago."
Tess nodded. "Word spread pretty quickly when he ended up back at Jabba's."
"Did it?" Leia, of course, hadn't been privy to any of that information. She knew some with the Alliance, Wedge and the Rogues, sought out information from spies but she steadfastly refused any intel.
She gave Wedge explicit instructions. "If it's something I need to know, tell me. Otherwise, I don't want to hear anything." So, she felt certain Han wasn't dead and wasn't rotting in a cell somewhere. But that also meant he was likely out there in the universe, somewhere, living a life without her.
As always, she threw herself into her work. Focused on the Rebellion, finishing off the Empire, restoring democracy. Yet something was off. She felt unstable, erratic. Being angry wasn't new but her inability to control that emotion or, at least, funnel it into her work was unexpected. She felt so horribly alone, abandoned, and at-a-loss as to how she could fix it.
Luke returned to the fleet four months after Hoth with news that he was training as a Jedi. She hugged him so tightly he laughed saying she might actually break his back. She didn't admit that the hug was the first physical contact she had with anyone since the Han left.
It was a relief to see Luke and felt like a part of her was restored but she recognized a change in him. He had lost his farm boy enthusiasm. He was calmer, more centered. He said he had a lot to tell her but it had to wait. He needed more time with his master to train and explore in the Force.
"The Empire isn't going to wait for you to be ready, Luke! We're running out of time as it is." Leia never expected she would have to give Luke the recruitment speech.
"I'm monitoring the situation. I'll come back if you need me."
"You're on an undisclosed planet that blocks out any and all communications and working with an undisclosed Jedi Master but you'll know when we need you. Is that what you're claiming?"
Luke smiled at her and shrugged. He looked older, too, and not only because he still wore the scar from the Wampa attack. "It's a Jedi thing."
He met with High Command, resigned his commission as Commander, negotiated a new role as soldier and Jedi with the Alliance and then, after a few weeks, disappeared again.
Tess sweetened her kaffe then leaned against the table while she waited for Leia. "And you haven't heard from Solo since?"
"We've had no contact." Leia filled her cup and they made their way back to the outside, slightly cooler, world. "I've only just learned he's making runs for the Rebellion again."
It wasn't that she had pushed Han from her mind. She thought of him often, especially at night in the quiet of her bunk. But she usually had control of the narrative. Everyone in the fleet seemed to understand the unspoken rule to not discuss Han around her. She decided when and where his name was mentioned and, other than with Luke during his brief visit, no one did. It was an off-hand remark from the supply officer on a base, her second stop on the tour, mentioning their newly acquired sensor gear that pushed Leia from her carefully controlled version.
"Solo said somebody owed him a favor so he got an upgrade."
Leia didn't respond right away and the supply officer moved on to other topics. She didn't make a sound, though a gasp almost escaped her, and it took her several more minutes to find a way to bring the conversation back around. Thankfully, she had a lifetime of training in difficult and diplomatic conversations, and in wearing a neutral mask as her heart beat at a rapid rate.
Han, Chewie and the Falcon weren't regulars at the base but they showed up now and then to pick up or drop off. The supply officer didn't know when they would arrive or even how to contact them. He received word that the Falcon was incoming usually only a day before they arrived. He didn't know who Solo reported to or who paid his fee.
"But, you know, he usually brings the good stuff so we don't ask too many questions."
As soon as it was polite to do so, Leia excused herself, went to her assigned room and cried.
It was the most she had cried in the entire time Han was gone. The first time she let herself feel the full weight of his absence. There had been plenty of tears over the past year but she was always struggling with the balance of experiencing her emotions and not letting them take over. She was learning to process, to admit that she missed Han deeply and not be overwhelmed by that loss. To not fear the pain and grief, to know she could make it through to the other side.
That first mention of Han was weeks and several bases ago. Leia grew more accustomed to hearing his name, knowing he was out there and relatively, as far as the galaxy goes, close by and she only occasionally cried alone in her bunk. It was a relief to know for certain that he wasn't dead or in Hutt prison. That he was back at work. That he was with the Rebellion at least part-time. Leia considered leaving a message for him and hope he came back that way again but she also wasn't sure she was ready for no response. Because even though she felt a renewed strength, moving toward an equilibrium in her life and work, she knew the truth for herself. She had not moved on.
Leia sighed and decided to trust Tess with a little more information. "We didn't end things on the best of the terms."
"That also sounds like Solo. Guess it's one way to make sure people remember you when you're gone."
Leia noticed a man walk around one of the tents and quickly scan the area, moving in their direction as soon as he spotted them. Tess' face lighting up as she watched his approach didn't escape Leia's notice either.
"Finally!" He placed a hand on Tess' waist and smiled. "Thought that damn ship was never going to arrive."
Tess murmured darling as she moved in for a quick but full-of-feeling kiss. Leia found herself chuckling at the sight of them. They packed so much into one short kiss.
"Leia, formally known as Astrid." Tess continued to smile at the man while she held a hand toward Leia. "I'd like you to meet my husband Torson."
Torson practically did a double take when he looked at Leia. "Your Highness, my apologies. I didn't recognize you right away."
For a second, Leia worried that he would bow. You never knew who would fall back on royal protocol.
"My visit wasn't announced beyond the leadership team so I'm sure I come as somewhat a surprise."
"I knew you were on base." His arm was still wrapped around his wife's waist. He was slightly taller than Tess with a shock of grey hair and shaggy grey and black beard. He was wearing a torn t-shirt and jacket, baggy pants with a ring of datacards and keys hanging from his belt. "I'm your next meeting."
"Torson is a splicer." Tess couldn't stop smiling. She was clearly very smitten. "I followed him to Marlja when he was pulled into the tech center here."
"Of course." Leia shook Torson's hand. "We've communicated a few times. You were a great help last year."
When they discovered the security breach with Pyrtor and his supposedly anonymous commlink, they had to act quickly. They needed to bring slicers and technicians in to assess whether there were any other leaks thanks to contact with Pyrtor. They also took the added precaution of reconfiguring anything using Thyre tech. Their one advantage, since they always worked under the assumption that the Empire was trying to listen in, was their tech was already modified. Still, it was a lot of work and cost a lot of money that the Alliance didn't have. She remembered Torson because he was the lead on the project and officially signed on rather than take the lucrative contract.
"Don't want to make light of the situation but I liked the challenge." He gave Tess' waist a squeeze. "And who doesn't love fucking over Thyre Industries? And the Empire, of course."
"I know you do, Baby." They smiled at each other, Tess' hand resting on Torson's chest. Leia didn't know if they were sharing an inside joke but understood it was a link with had only two ends. It belonged only to the two of them.
Leia felt the twinge. The same one she felt years ago on Deandra when she saw Han and Tess hold or look at each other. That moment didn't compare to what Leia witnessed now but she recognized it.
It was the same twinge she felt when she and Han locked eyes over the holochess table. When he made her laugh. Held her hand as they made their way through the streets after completing a mission. When he watched her pace and rant about whatever topic was infuriating her at any given time. Or even when he first found her in the cabin after the explosion and thought she was injured. It was a look of love and longing.
And it was the same twinge she felt every time she learned he had been on a base before her. When she knew there wouldn't be a message from him. That he was working with the Rebels, helping even though he said it wasn't his fight. This twinge signalled a broken link. Something that should belong to the two of them but the ends were no longer secured.
Leia tried to be subtle whenever she asked questions about Han, like she was making small talk with colleagues. She would casually ask where they got a recent shipment from or if they could get any more of a particular item. Perhaps suggest another base was looking for something similar or that she liked to keep records of such things.
As it turned out, though, no one needed much of an excuse to gossip. People were more than happy to share stories and she had no idea if there was any truth in them.
He was still working for the Hutts.
He paid the Jabba off right away and was an independent contractor.
He spent six months in jail for killing a bounty hunter.
He was living in a brothel on Dantooine.
The Black Sun syndicate bought his contract from the Hutts and now he was running spice and slaves in between his Alliance drop-offs.
He was sleeping with a med tech on Botajef. A pilot on Stygeon Prime. A communications officer on Lah'mu. A mechanic on Gamorr.
He was running a high stake, invite only sabacc game on the Falcon.
He was a broken man, body and soul, a shadow of his former self.
She heard a lot of gossip about Han over the years though it usually also involved her. They were always just about to sleep together, in the midst of a torrid affair, or breaking up. A few times she was pregnant. He often cheated on her. They got married. Then divorced. Then married again. One time, she found a flimsie abandoned in a meeting room—clearly passed around like they were in middle school—asking important questions like, Do you think she likes it on top? Who likes to be tied up? Does he take his holster off when they do it? Does she make a sound when she comes? Various answers, Yes and No, definitely her, never, definitely a moaner, were scattered in response. For the most part, she ignored those old rumours and she tried to do the same as she travelled the Outer Rim.
She wasn't surprised by the stories, at least once she got over the shock of hearing about Han at all, but she was surprised that they didn't make her angry. Or anxious. Those were her two most common go-to reactions after he left. Then sadness. Grief. Confusion. But as she listened to the increasingly far-fetched and, hopefully, imagined stories, she realized that she didn't want to ignore them this time around. They made her miss him more and she didn't want to deny that truth anymore.
Over the past year, Leia was lonely in ways she'd never known. She'd always considered herself to be independent, self-reliant, a perpetual motion machine. She didn't need anyone or anything else when she had the fire of determination. Losing her family and Alderaan was crushing, beyond devasting, yet even in her numbed and grieving state she discovered Han, Luke and Chewie. But after Hoth, she hit a wall. Caring for the rest of the galaxy, sacrificing herself for the greater good, wasn't enough. She missed Luke and his easy companionship. She missed Chewie and his teasing. His steady and reliable strength.
But Leia missed Han with a soft ache that wouldn't go away. She didn't want to do it all on her own anymore and knew she had lost her chance. It was a new level of devastation and seemed impossible to work her way out of it.
So, it seemed fortuitous when Luke suddenly reappeared and devoted a considerable amount of time trying to help her. It was almost like he returned for that exact purpose, knowing she was in pain, but that was an insane theory. How would he know? She was reluctant at first—very reluctant—but he eased her into the idea of meditation. Convinced her that spending a short time clearing her mind could help her focus on other things.
"Do you honestly think I've ever spent more than thirty seconds with nothing on my mind?"
"It's not nothing on your mind." Luke smiled and took her hands in his. They were both sitting cross-legged on the floor, facing each other. "It's clearing the space so other things can come in."
"I know what I need to think about. I'm not looking for suggestions."
"Are you worried you won't be able to control things? Worried where your mind will take you?"
She narrowed her eyes at him and dared him to continue.
"You need to let yourself go down those unprotected paths. Trust where it will lead you. Let yourself experience the unexpected."
"We're at war, Luke. My entire life is the unexpected."
They still held hands but she shifted slightly, rearranging her legs, straightening her back. He might think she was securely in place but she was ready to bolt at a moment's notice.
"I know some topics are painful but once you get past the hurt you'll find the love again."
"You're really getting on my nerves now, Farm Boy."
"Maybe you'll focus less on Han being gone and more on what you felt when he was here."
"Why are you bringing him up?" Her voice dropped a register. She was ready for a fight.
"No reason."
"I'm perfectly fine without him here, you know."
Luke refused to be thrown off-track.
"Breathe with me. Like I showed you."
"I know how to breathe, Luke."
"Clear your mind for as long as it takes to exhale." They breathed in deeply and exhaled together a few times. "Let your mind pick up on any sensation you encounter. That's the Force surrounding you."
Leia opened her eyes and almost pulled her hands away. "I'm not a Jedi, Luke. What are you up to?"
He held her hands tighter. "Trust me on this one. You'll find all of this useful. I promise. Trust the sensation and see where it takes you."
Leia soon learned, if she didn't spend all that time counting out the seconds until it was over, she could sense something else. At first it was tingle, like small sparks going off around her. By the time Luke took off again, she could feel the room around her in sharp relief. Her eyes were closed but she could see everything perfectly. When she was done, she felt stronger, more centred. She never managed to practice as often once Luke left but she was learning more. Stretching out through the room. Somehow seeing herself sitting on the floor, eyes closed, hands in lap. The colours surrounding her were more vibrant, intense.
It wasn't always a pleasant or calming experience. There were times when her anger and grief took hold and she felt herself tumbling down. But she concentrated on her breathing, pushed herself in a different direction and sometimes managed to emerge relatively unscathed. It was hard to admit but meditating seemed to help. She was still on her own but it wasn't a crushing loneliness. It was simply one more thing she needed to navigate and survive.
Because when she let herself go, saw herself existing in a space connected to all other spaces, all other beings, she could also see herself as Han saw her. A whole made up of many working parts. Sometimes unified. Sometimes at odds. She didn't know how the pieces all fit together, or how to work that out, but it was new, almost exciting, to discover them. To know that Han saw them, saw her, and only wanted more.
She accepted the dull ache that came with missing Han. She could still feel his love even though she lost it. Pushed it aside. She knew that at one time, at least, he loved her with enough strength to try and push them both forward. She felt his absence in the same way she had felt his presence. Both were constant.
Leia looked at her wrist chrono and then at Torson. "I think we're supposed to be meeting right about now."
"Yeah, it's getting to be time." Torson moved his arm to Tess' shoulder. "I was wondering, your Highness, if you wouldn't mind delaying the meeting for a bit."
"You should call her Leia." Tess wrapped her arm around his waist. They pressed their sides together.
"Tess is right. I much prefer Leia these days. At least in these types of settings."
"Sure. Leia." Torson smiled as he kissed Tess' temple. "But it's going to be a day and probably night of meetings while you're here and I haven't seen my wife in a couple of weeks."
Leia laughed. "Understood. Why don't we say we'll meet up in an hour? I could use some time to review documents anyway. My morning meetings went a bit longer than expected."
"Thanks, Leia." Tess put a hand on her shoulder. "Are you here for long? Maybe we could have a drink and catch up?"
"I'd love to but meetings now and all day tomorrow. Flying myself these days and I'm supposed to be at the next base by the following morning." Leia smiled at Tess and Torson. They really were a cute couple. "Perhaps if things don't go too late tonight."
Tess smiled and let Leia get a few feet away before she stopped her. "Hey, Astrid. Did I mention how I got here today?"
Leia cocked her head, waiting for the answer.
"The Falcon dropped me off." Tess watched as the colour drained from Leia's face then rose again in bright red. "They're still on the landing field. Not scheduled to leave till sometime tomorrow."
Tess took hold of Torson's hand and started walking in the opposite direction. She called over her shoulder to Leia, who still hadn't moved.
"Pretty sure he'll be happier to see you than you think!"
Leia took her time walking to the landing field. She moved slowly, keeping her eye out for Han and Chewie, almost terrified she would run into one of them as she rounded a corner. Realized, perhaps for the first time, that she really didn't know what she should do with her hands as she walked. Was it natural to have them tucked into her pockets? Crossed over her chest? Dangling at her sides? She tried clutching the strap of the bag slung over her shoulder. She felt strange and electric and almost scared. Even her first glimpse of the Falcon was jarring despite knowing it would be there.
The ramp was down but she didn't see anyone standing outside the ship. Leia approached cautiously, watching for any signs of movement. When there was nothing, she took the first tentative steps on the ramp and heard her name called out.
"Princess Leia!"
She turned around to see one of the new and very young recruits running toward her. Leia knew she was only twenty-three but she was pretty sure she was never as young as this guy. He looked like he should be riding a speeder with trainers across the landing strip.
"We're not allowed on the ship." He was out of breath from running that short distance. She should speak to someone about recruit exercise schedules.
"Excuse me?"
"The Captain has strict rules that no one is allowed to board without his permission."
"Thank you for letting me know." She barely managed another step before the recruit stopped her again.
"I should warn you, your Highness. He gets quite angry if that rule is broken."
Leia laughed to herself. It probably said something if the recruit was more worried about Han's ire than hers.
[Princess!] Chewie arrived from the underbelly of the ship. [We didn't expect to see you here.]
"Likewise." She walked to him but then didn't know what to do. She felt self-conscious and ill-prepared. Her last encounter with Chewie had been difficult but hoped they were still friends. She had taken his words to heart and knew he had spoken from a place of love.
Chewie took care of any awkward feelings by pulling her into a hug. She almost teared up as she nestled into his soft fur. She had heard some complain about the smell of a Wookiee but it reminded her of feeling safe.
[I'm off to find food. He's inside.]
"Is it okay if I go in?" She clasped the bag strap to her chest like a defensive shield. "Is that all right?"
Chewie kissed the top of her head. [It's good to see you, Princess. You've been missed.]
It had been awhile since she had heard Shyriiwook but she felt certain she understood. She walked up the ramp and stood in the entranceway for the lounge.
Leia felt an intense rush as she stood in the main hold. The Falcon looked slightly worse for wear, there were a few more unfinished projects and hanging wires, crates of cargo piled up, but it smelled familiar. It smelled like home.
She heard Han's boots walking quickly down the corridor as he shouted.
"Hey! You know the rules! Off the ship."
He rounded the corner and froze as soon as he saw her.
"Hey." It wasn't her best opener but would have to do.
"Hey." Apparently he was in the same boat.
They stared at each other for a few moments, each taking stock of the situation, each trying to decide who should make the first move. Leia finally decided it should be her.
"I've been making the rounds at a few bases." She made it sound like she was making social calls but it was hard to look casual when you thought your world might spin out of control. "Think I was right behind you. Always seemed to arrive a few days after."
He continued to stare at her. He had barely moved an inch.
"I was surprised to hear you were making runs. I thought you were done with the Rebellion."
"No. Just selective."
"I see."
"You're not the only Rebel game in town, Sweetheart."
She laughed. It was a biting comment but he didn't look angry. He looked like he was testing her.
"I guess this means you've cleared things up with Jabba?"
He flinched for the first time. Looked down, quickly shifted his boots before returning her gaze.
"I heard a few stories but who knows what's true." She moved around the hold, casually looking over the crates and works in progress like she was walking through a shop and deciding what to buy. "Well, I assume you know what's true. Of course, maybe that's all gone into the Solo vault."
She knew he was watching her. It was an exciting, nerve wracking, familiar feeling. She used her breathing exercises to maintain a semblance of calm. She thought about holvids her aunts made her watch. Romances with heroines all agog about the return of the love interest. Leia complained that these insipid stories were a waste of her time, even if she secretly enjoyed them, and now she thought she understood exactly what the heroine was experiencing. She was agog. All a-flutter. Perhaps in a tizzy. And maybe a touch terrified.
"Luke left, too. After Hoth. He found some place to train. As a Jedi." She picked up a circuit board. It looked new. It was strange to see a new piece of equipment on the Falcon. She was so used to parts moving from one place to another in the hopes of getting a bit more life out of them. "He came back once to check in but left again. He's doing well, though. I think. He's very Force-like now. Even you might be impressed."
Leia wondered if she might cry. She didn't feel particularly sad or upset but there were a lot of emotions rising to the surface. And she had yet to determine if his silence meant anger or dismissal or something else entirely.
"I saw Tess. Met her husband. She told me you were here. I wonder if I would have known otherwise. It's a small base but once my meetings start… Especially if I end up in the bunker. I might have missed you all together."
She stopped pacing. As soon as she caught his gaze again, she was no longer nervous. At least not in the same way. She knew she had a choice of pushing her emotions down or letting them rise up. Perhaps letting them take over. But she knew they weren't threatening to drown her. They would lift her up.
Leia folded her hands in front of her and smiled at him.
"I miss you."
In only a few quick strides, he is in front of her.
He kissed her, wrapping one arm around her waist to pull her closer. His other hand rested on her cheek, holding her place as he pressed against her. She weaved her hands through his hair. Arched her back slightly, leaving no room between them. They don't come up for air because that's not what they needed in that moment.
They only needed each other.
