I am scum. I am only scum. The church bells ring, but I can barely hear them. I am lost, lonely, and scum.
This was never supposed to happen. My mother promised me it would turn out fine, that Daddy would come back and she would be fine, but I have lost so much today. I have lost myself.
Memories whir by, causing more chaos. It doesn't matter. What will? I have lost everything with one shot, a waste of myself and of my family.
"Popuri, do you have anything to say in their memories?" Carter asked me quietly.
Yes, I'd like to say that I'm sorry, Mom, I never tried to help you, and Rick, I'm sorry I never helped you. But I shake my head no, and Carter nodded sympathetically. I don't want his sympathy.
I want my family.
Mom, the cancer finally beat you. You fought so long, so hard, without my help, but with Rick's. Rick, they say it was cancer. But it was me. You overworked yourself, since I wouldn't help. They say exhaustion was barely any of it. They lie, I know.
Karen is sitting next to me, sniffling, unknowing of what I did. I can never forgive myself for the pain she now goes through because I was irresponsible and immature.
Where will I go? I no longer feel for Kai, my own sadness long surpasses it, and I cannon live alone at the Poultry Farm. I will die, they tell me, and I will overwork myself to a point where I can no longer sustain it. But I deserve it. I killed my family.
My poor, mother. She asked me for help when Rick ran errands, and I said I was too busy. By the time Rick came back, it was too late. Doctor barely made it in time. He is here to, quiet at the sight of her coffin. He has lost a patient, he says. He says he wasn't a good enough doctor. But he is. I killed them.
My brother, all the times he said he was fine, that he just needed rest as Mom's health deteriorated even more, led to his own demise, three day's after Mom's. If I had helped, I could have saved them.
But I didn't. I let them die. I am a murderer. They should throw me in jail, or execute me. I killed my family!
The truth is pounding in my chest. If I don't let them know, I will kill myself. I killed them, it was me, ME!
Karen asks me for a tissue, and I give her one. How can she bear to sit next to me? I know what I did. I killed them.
I don't deserve to live when my family, the ones who died, deserve to be here, watching me in a coffin. Even my father has come back, but he won't stay. He always liked Rick better than me. He always will.
People say that I have a funny way of dealing with grief, but I don't. This time, I know the truth. Kill me now, before I hurt someone else. Don't condemn your own friends and family to my cruelty. I did it, I killed them.
I left the Church early. I can't stand to hear one more condolence. I killed them; it was me, not cancer.
The cancer should kill me. My life isn't worth living, knowing that I have taken two lives. My name should be cancer. I have claimed lives, too.
The Goddess Pond is peaceful, and I sit, watching the water ripple, watching my reflection. I killed them, it was me.
My tears fall into the water, messing with the reflection, distorting it. I am a distorted person, so it fits me, it does.
I killed them, it was me.
"Goddess," I announced. "I killed them, I did it. I killed my mom and brother!" I screamed, my voice echoing around me. The Goddess heard me, that I know.
Maybe, now if I die, I can rest in peace. No, I should rest in pieces.
"Popuri," The Goddess called in return. "Whether or not you helped them, the outcome would have been the same."
Shock found its way to me, shaking me up. I didn't kill them.
As the Goddess fades away, I get up and leave.
I am disgusted.
I know that I killed them.
