DISCLAIMER: I do not in any way own any part of the movies House of 1000 Corpses or The Devil's Rejects. I do not own most of these characters. They are the property of Rob Zombie, Liongate films, and whoever else holds a commercial or property license over them. This is fan fiction, intended for the sole purpose of entertainment. No one has been paid to write or host this story. No one has been paid or will have to pay to read it.

Chapter Four

The Devil's Rejects

Oddly enough, the Devil wasn't having a very good day. Some might say it that only served him right, being the devil and all, but when in Hell, wasn't he was always supposed to be having a good day?

It wasn't that everything was going to Hell in a hand basket, (pun intended) it was just one of those days where every picky thing that could happen to make the day slightly less amusing was happening. And, the Devil really didn't like that. This was his world, amusement should never be in short supply in his world, at least amusement for him. Everyone else? Well, much less important.

It started with the espresso machine being on the fritz, so his secretary was being a cranky bitch. Then, Asmodeus came in to gripe about the lack of people refusing to fill out forms in processing correctly. Started waving his dick around too, like he, the Devil, really gave a crap. After that, the Devil found the suggestion boxes were again, stuffed full of requests for air conditioning, because some of the tortured souls who were spending eternity here thought that request was a real hoot.

Now, he'd just been told that they were finally here. He'd been expecting them for awhile, just not quite sure when they would get there, what with time working so strange in the tunnel of light. There were people who spent years there, then more years filling out the first set of forms. These people had managed to accomplish a lot in a relatively short time. They were vicious, sadistic, deadly, and all around nasty, but apparently not stupid. And now it was time to deal with them. He had a feeling they weren't going to like him one little bit when he was through with them. And that suited Lou just fine.

He hit the intercom, hoping his secretary had gotten over her no caffein snit and was actually doing her job. "You can send them in now," he said. Before she could answer, he took his finger off the button, cutting her off. Then, he leaned leaned back in his chair and waited for the door to open.

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"The Devil will see you now."

The three of them looked up and frowned. One minute they were sitting on an ugly, orange, plastic bench, waiting for who knew what, the next they were all sitting on a burgundy leather sofa in what looked to be the reception area of an elegant office building. If this "Snap your fingers and your reality changes" crap was meant to impress them it was failing miserably. It only served to make them feel slightly queasy and quite annoyed instead. Baby just hoped this would be the last of the snap 'n' go, but she doubted it.

As they stood up, Otis gave the receptionist / secretary, another beautiful demoness, the once over. The secretary not only ignored the once over, but all three of them too. Instead she clutched a cup to her chest and mumbled about sexual favors she'd be willing to do for a cappuccino

"What the hell is cappuccino?" Spaulding asked.

"Fancy-ass high powered coffee," Otis explained. "European pussies love that shit."

"Apparently, so do fine lookin' demoness," Spaulding remarked, giving the secretary one of those I'm-mentally-undressing-you gazes. The secretary continued to fondle her coffee mug, continued not looking at any of them.

"Oh, gimme a break," Baby muttered, getting awful tired of watching her father and brother's jaw hit the floor every time someone beautiful with horns came around. She strode right past the secretary and right into the Devil's office.

Once inside the office, she stopped. "Wow," she murmured, looking around. She was really surprised to see that it was not only as nice as the receptionist area, it was nicer. Light gray carpet, a lot of highly polished cherry wood furniture, track lighting, and weird looking artwork. Otis had taught her a lot about art, including that "if it's weird looking and in a very expensive frame? Then it's probably valuable. That's how rabbits judge good artwork." Using that as a guideline, the Devil indeed had some valuable artwork.

She looked around to see the Devil, but all she saw was a very handsome man with blond hair and beautiful eyes of such a deep blue, they almost looked purple, sitting at a big desk. Well, it's about time someone provided a little eye candy for those of us who like men! Baby thought, as she looked him up and down. But, I wonder where the devil the Devil is?

"Hello, Baby," the good looking man said. "Have a seat. You both as well," he added, indicating Spaulding and Otis who had come in behind her. There were three chairs in front of his desk.

"Hi," Baby said, walking over and sitting in the middle chair. Otis took the one to her left, her daddy the one to the right. "So, where's the devil?"

The good looking man smiled. "Right here."

"Nah you ain't the devil." Baby shook her head. "Quit joking with us."

She didn't hear Otis groan, but she saw the look of amusement on the good looking man's face. "Oh, I assure you," he said. "I am the devil. Also known as Lucifer, The Prince of Demons, Satan, and – well, many other titles I'm sure you know."

"You can't be the devil!" Baby grinned, convinced this person was having one up on her and making sure he knew you had to wake up pretty early in the morning to fool Vera Ellen Firefly. "The devil is red and has horns and a tail and all that scary stuff. In fact, I don't even think this is the right office. It's too nice. The devil shouldn't have an office like this!"

The good looking man sighed, shook his head, then snapped his fingers. Suddenly he was as red as - well, as red as the devil, with black horns, and cloven hooves for feet. His office also shifted and they were on rocks in the middle of a lake of molten lava. "Is this better?" he asked.

Baby gasped, clutching to the rock she was sitting on, so she wouldn't slide off into the lake of fire and lava. "Wow... I guess you really are the devil!"

"Well, of course." The devil snapped his fingers again and everything returned to the way it was when they walked in the door. "I was once known as the Fairest Angel of them all before my brother kicked me out of his little playground."

"Brother?" Otis's brows raised. "How can God be your brother? Isn't he supposed to be like the supreme creator of all? Even you, Devil?"

"Call me Lou." A dark expression crossed the Devil's face and he scowled, "and, sure, buy into that theory. He'd love you to believe that. He's so spoiled. I swear, our mother always favored him. First born child and all that stuff."

Otis and Spaulding flashed looks at each other, then turned their attention back to the devil. "Yeah, I know how that goes," Otis said. "I've got some sibs that were always favored over me. But, before I have to play therapist to your little mental hangups, would you mind telling me what the hell we're doing here?"

Lou stared at him angrily for a moment, then his expression changed to one of annoyance and he sighed. "Same old Otis, huh? You never will learn, will you?"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Otis asked.

"You always were such a presumptuous little prick," Lou said, looking as if he were enjoying how pissed Otis was becoming. "Always felt you had the power over life and death."

"Well, my record proves I did," Otis snapped. "I sent a lot of people your way, you might recall."

"You sent a lot of them the way of my brother too," the Devil pointed out. "But, to answer your question; why are you here? Because you're too evil for Hell. All three of you are."

Otis, Spaulding, and Baby all stared at the Devil for several seconds as his words soaked in. Finally Spaulding spoke in a tone that echoed the disbelief of all of them. "We're too evil for Hell?"

"What, did I stutter?" The devil leaned back in his chair and pressed his finger tips together, a smug smile on his face.

"How can anyone be too evil for Hell?" Baby asked. "I mean, isn't that the point of Hell? To go there 'cause you weren't good enough for Heaven?"

"Again, more of my brother's propaganda." Lou shook his head sadly. "It's all Public Relations, you know. He's got a huge book, a major bestseller all devoted to him. He's got a monopoly on the religions of the world. Even if they don't believe in the Christian version of him, as long as they believe in a "Good" and "Just" supreme being they're his. What do I have? Nothing. Oh sure, there's the Church of Satan, but really, do you see branches of that church on every corner? No. And it doesn't exactly have a sterling reputation, does it? And look at the movies that come out about me: The Omen, great, I was hoping to have a son some day, but I don't dare now. Rosemary's Baby, yeah, like it does my reputation to be known as someone who rapes innocent women. The Exorcist, like I have nothing better to do then to pick on sweet little girls. The Devil In Miss. Jones -" (1)

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with you in that movie," Spaulding interrupted. "That's one of the best movies I've ever seen! A classic."

Lou stared at him and drew in a big, sighing breath. "Maybe you think so, but ask the average person and they'll say it's filth, which, of course, puts me in a bad light."

The Devil sat forward in his chair, leaning over the desk. "I'm really not as bad as you might think. I like the good things in life. I love comfort, sex, fine wine, beautiful people, silk pajamas, good food, all the things that make people enjoy life. You'd think I'd be the one everyone would flock around, but no, my brother gives everyone this trip that in order to be rewarded forever, you have to live in misery while alive. And pretty much everyone buys it! And I get stuck with having to handle 'bad' people, while he gets all the 'good' ones. Really unfair."

"Well, if your supposed to handle all the bad ones, then whats the problem with us?" Otis asked. "We're certainly bad."

"Look, I have standards you know." Lou sniffed indignantly. "And you three crossed them. Honestly." He looked over at Otis. "And you were the worst. 'I am the devil, and I'm here to do the devil's work,'" he mimicked Otis, then glared at him, "Who the hell told you to speak for me?"

For the first time in as long as Baby could remember, Otis looked taken aback. "Wait a moment - you're upset because I was helping you?"

"You weren't trying to help me," Lou said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "You were doing what you always did all your life, which was pretty much whatever the hell you wanted. And even if for one moment, you believed you were doing my work, did you ever think for one moment that I didn't want your help? That I was able to do my job without your help?" Not really wanting and answer, the devil began answering the questions himself, looking sterner and angrier with each word. "Of course not. You're the great Otis B. Driftwood, you think you're the Devil among men and you do whatever you want, never worrying about the consequences. Well, guess what, there are consequences You've racked up a hell of a bill with me, you and your little cohorts here. And now is the time to pay the bill." He finished his speech with a wisp of fire shooting out of his nostrils.

The three stared at Lou for a long time before finally Spaulding broke the silence. "So, you're saying we really are The Devil's Rejects?"

"Damned straight you are!" the Devil snapped. "Do you think the media came up with that name themselves? No one in the media is capable of coming up with that good of a tag line It was me, I whispered it into their ears. Because it's true. You are The Devil's Rejects. You're too evil to go to Hell."

"Uh, well then what's going to happen to us?" Baby cautiously asked. "I mean, we're dead. If we're too evil for Hell, then I'm sure we're too evil for Heaven, right?"

"Very true," Lou said. "Which is why I'm going to have to send you back to earth to do enough good to redeem yourselves so you can return here."

Again, The Devil's Rejects stared at Lou in disbelief. Lou stared back, scowling. Finally, Otis broke the silence. "So, let me get this straight," he began, "we're too evil for Hell, so you're sending us back to our lives to do good? That 'bout right?"

The devil nodded. "Yes. You're an arrogant dick, but you've never been stupid, Otis. You've figured it out."

"All but one part," Otis admitted, letting the arrogant dick insult slide.

"What's that?"

"Why in the hell should we do good? I mean fuck it, you're going to send us back to earth, wow, what a punishment! Go back to being alive and havin' good times, or do a bunch of goody two shoes stuff and be rewarded by Hell." Otis shook his head. "I ain't stupid, but you aren't exactly giving us a hell of a lot of incentive to do good."

"Yes I am," Lou disagreed. "Until you do enough good to earn your way into Hell, you can't die."

"Oooh, that's a burden." Spaulding tried not to sneer, but couldn't help it. "If we don't do good, we get to live forever. Wouldn't want that now, would we?"

"You don't," the Devil assured them. "Because if you think I'm going to give you immortal bodies? Think again. I mean, I'll give you back your bodies as they were before Wydell and those other officers turned them into Swiss cheese. I'm willing to do that much. But beyond that? All bets are off. If you get fatally wounded, you won't exactly 'die' but you won't be alive either. Once you're no longer 'alive,' any injuries you get won't heal. So, if someone cuts you open? You'll always have a big open gash. Have a fingernail fall off? It will never grow back. Get a cut on your eye? It's there forever. Have someone mutilate your genitalia -"

"I think we get the point," Baby interrupted. "But still, what's to stop us from like walking into fire or leaping into a vat of acid once our bodies wear out? We'll just end up dead with no after life. Not a big deal."

"It doesn't work like that," Lou said. "You will always be aware. Even if all that is left of you are atoms, those atoms will have your awareness. And the pain of how your body was destroyed? You'll feel that for all eternity. Try doing good when all you are is dust floating about the cosmos."

The three of them again looked at each other. We're making a bad habit of staring at each other like idiots, Baby thought. She turned to the Devil. "Is it really that much worse? Floating around in the cosmos in pain or being in Hell? Isn't Hell supposed to be eternal suffering and pain?"

"Trust me, being dust that feels the pain of how you finally were destroyed all the time is much worse than Hell." Lou rolled his eyes. "As for the eternal suffering and pain? Remember, most of what you know of Hell is propaganda generated by my brother. I'm not so bad. I mean, it is Hell, it's not a cakewalk. But, it's not the eternal torturing of your soul either. Hell is a lot like prison Except we don't put you behind bars, because you can't escape."

"So how much good do we have to do?" Baby asked.

"There's no set formula for that." The Devil shook his head. "I can't say, 'well, save two orphans and kiss a nun and you're set.' It doesn't work like that. You just have to start doing good and when the time comes, I'll let you know and you can come back here."

"Well shit," Spaulding said. "What about our rep? You just go sending us back to earth and everyone's gonna be out for our blood. The media spread our mugs all over the place."

"Don't worry," Lou assured him. "Yes, people will remember that you three died. But when they see you, they won't make the connection. It'll be as if they buried three completely different looking people, at least that's what they'll remember."

"What about the picture?" Otis asked. "There are enough pictures of us around. Think folks might notice we resemble those pictures?"

"That's taken care of too," Lou said. "Trust me, no one is going to recognize you. You'll have your chances to do good."

"Yippee," Otis muttered without much enthusiasm. "I can't fuckin' wait."

A genuine smile spread across Lou's face. "Well, lucky for you, you don't have to." He raised his hand.

Shit, Baby thought. There he goes with the hand snapping thing. Can't anyone down here come up with something more ori- Before he could finish the thought, she, her father, and Otis were gone.

End of Chapter Four

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(1)Famous porno movie from the '70s.

Author's Notes: I can't really take credit for this idea. Before the movie came out, I read an interview with Rob Zombie who said the movie was about three people who were so evil, they'd have to do good before they could go to Hell. I thought that was the plot of the movie. Of course, that wasn't the case, but I loved the movie anyway. Still, I always wondered about that whole, "You're too evil for Hell," and so did my husband. As (what was supposed to be) a Christmas gift to him, I started writing this story. I don't know if Rob would be pleased or pissed if he saw what I was doing to his characters, but I don't know how to write this and make it deadly serious. It only seems to work in my head with some humor thrown in.

Please do not think I am insulting anyone's religious beliefs with this story. It's fiction. Not only that but it's fiction written by an amateur. I have no clue what Heaven or Hell is like.