A Christmas chapter on Thanksgiving...close enough.
Chapter 37: Best Last Christmas
He had to give up running when it started to make him dizzy even with supplemental oxygen. Steve was grateful for the additional months the tool had granted him, but still devastated. Seeking ways to not let this development get him down, he doubled down on his drawing and created even more pieces for the special project he'd trusted Steve Danvers with. Nearly every week he made a new one, although some he couldn't bring himself to write an accompanying note for. He pulled Steve aside at his twenty-seventh birthday party, which they held in their yard as they'd done for the past several years, and handed off a thick stack of them.
Steve didn't dare think about it as his last birthday, even though it very well could be. That would only make it a sad occasion instead of a celebratory one. Still, he may have needed a bit more alcohol than usual to stop him from thinking about it. Thor won the watermelon seed spitting contest this time; apparently, he'd been practicing.
A few months after his birthday, Steve was forced to quit his job. His body simply couldn't keep up with the demands a full day on the job placed on it. He coughed and grew short of breath so frequently that he often couldn't speak to a child in the exact moment he really needed to. It was getting dangerous, because he would finish the day with a budding low oxygen headache and a profound fatigue that sometimes combined with dizziness. On those days, he sat in the car and focused on his breathing until the feeling faded and he felt safe to drive. He probably should have done this weeks ago, but he'd been putting off the decision because he didn't want to quit. Steve loved what he did, and he knew how much these kids relied on him. He felt like he was letting them down, especially those that he knew had big procedures coming up after his scheduled last day. Breaking the news to them was harder than telling his boss; she already knew of his medical situation, but they were completely oblivious. One day soon he would be there, and the next he wouldn't, and some of them were too young to even understand why.
"I don't want you to go!"
"Please don't leave, Mr. Rogers!"
"But I need you!"
He heard those cries so many times over the course of his last week at work, and each one laid another hundred-pound weight on his shoulders. There was another child life specialist at the hospital, and he knew they were already interviewing to hire a replacement for him.
"There are other people who can do my job just as well as I can," he assured them. "Ms. Clarke will still be here, and I bet they'll find someone even better than me to fill my spot."
One little boy that Steve had coached through nearly every needle stick he'd had since he started treatment wrapped his arms around Steve and cried into his shoulder, "I don't want anyone else, I want you."
Steve didn't know what to tell him. An apology didn't feel like nearly enough. His job description was to help them cope with trauma and loss, not heap more of it onto them. He'd never felt like more of a failure in his entire life, but he simply couldn't continue without putting himself and the children at risk. When he drove home after his last day, Bucky was waiting for him. This was unusual; Steve always got home earlier, and he'd left even earlier than usual today because he didn't have to go over his schedule and notes for the following week.
"What are you doing home so soon?" he asked, failing to disguise the waver in his voice. He'd spent the entire drive home with tears streaming silently down his face, and only half-heartedly tried to dry his eyes before getting out of the car.
Bucky said knowingly, "I thought you might not want to be alone."
Steve threw his bag to the floor and raced into his husband's embrace. "I don't want to leave them," he muttered desperately.
"I know you don't. I'm so sorry. But Steve, you did so much good in all the years you worked there. You helped so many people."
"It's not enough." The parade of new diagnoses never ended. There would always be more children who needed him, and he'd never be able to provide for them all.
"Yes, it is. You did everything you possibly could, but it's time to focus on you now. There are plenty of other people helping those kids, but you're the only one who can see yourself through this."
"I know." He shuddered. "I know."
~0~
Steve was down for weeks after he left work. Bucky didn't have to imagine what it might be like, because he'd lived it for nine months. His own failing body had stolen soccer from him, just as Steve's stole his passion from him now. There were few things in this world worse than having your passion ripped from you. Bucky didn't even know how Steve spent the days while he was away at soccer, because when he asked, he rarely got more than a shrug. He must've been drawing, though, because Bucky noticed the pencils that sat on the desk in the living room got shorter every day. Why he didn't simply tell Bucky that, he didn't know, but he wasn't about to press him on it.
As the weeks wore on, sometimes he came home to find Steve hooked up to the oxygen concentrator because he, "Felt like he needed the boost." He rewatched All Quiet on the Western Front at least two or three times, based on Bucky's estimate. Eventually, he started using his newfound free time to explore new recipes to make for the two of them. Bucky considered this a good sign, that he was taking initiative and not wasting away mentally on top of physically. The anti-depressants appeared to be doing the trick.
"Bucky, I want to do Christmas with the Avengers this year, if they agree," Steve announced in early November.
"Okay." He agreed without question. Bucky understood exactly why he might want that without him having to explain it. Steve went ahead and elaborated anyway.
"This…is probably gonna be my last one, and I want it to be special."
Bucky didn't trust himself to react to that statement beyond a simple, "Okay."
Steve accepted planning Christmas as his new job. Tony offered up Stark Tower as the place to host since it was more of a center point among them and had more space than Steve and Bucky's house. He asked the group chat who wanted in, and soon enough they had a guest list twelve strong, consisting of the core Avengers and their significant others. Maria, Monica, and Steve Danvers politely declined because they'd be spending the entire week of the holiday with their families instead. Kate Bishop was in a similar situation. They also agreed to the idea of a Secret Santa, to simplify the number of gifts involved. Steve set it up blindly so that even he didn't know who got his name. Between the two of them, they got Thor and Victor.
"I'm afraid I don't know Victor well enough to get him a really good gift," Bucky bemoaned. "I don't want to do something lame and generic."
"Just ask Wanda what he might like," Steve suggested.
"But then it won't be a secret."
"It doesn't have to be for anybody but the actual recipient. I'm sure she won't tell him that you asked."
"Fine."
Bucky asked Wanda. She responded with what sounded more like an essay on all the things she loved about him, but Bucky was able to glean enough information from it to pick something out.
"Steve, does this make any sense to you?" he asked while scrolling through math-themed mugs.
"Square root of negative one…two cubed…is that a sigma?"
"I don't know. I don't speak math."
"It's a Greek letter."
"Well I don't speak Greek either."
"That last one is pi."
"I do know that one."
"And it was delicious?" Steve read the only part of the mug written in English. "I don't know, but I'm sure it's funny to people who know math. You can ask Tony, Bruce, or Parker if they know."
Bucky did exactly that. Tony confirmed that it was, in fact, funny, but refused to explain what it meant. Bucky chose to trust him and ordered the mug. For Thor's gift, Steve drew a portrait of him and Valkyrie, who'd retired last year and was now living her golden years with Loki, and bought a frame for it made of silver birch wood. He'd been reluctant at first to "just cop-out with another drawing" but Bucky assured him that he couldn't go wrong with hand-made and heartfelt.
"I feel bad for whoever drew my name," Steve said.
"Why?"
"How do you get a gift for someone who probably has less than a year to enjoy it?"
Bucky didn't like such blunt statements about his lifespan, but he had to admit that was a legitimate concern. "I'm sure whoever drew your name will come up with something great." He couldn't guarantee that they wouldn't stress about it, though. If Parker or Bruce got it? Hopefully they wouldn't worry too much. Bucky was just glad neither of them got Tony. How do you shop for someone who can literally buy anything they want anytime they want?
~0~
By Christmas, Steve was using his oxygen pretty much any time he had to stand or walk around for longer than a minute or two. Fortunately, it didn't diminish his excitement for the coming holiday. He and Tony spent the weekend before Christmas at the tower decorating one of the floors. Bucky wasn't invited, but it didn't bother him. The two of them had set up their own tree right after Thanksgiving. They'd made a whole day of it, baking cookies and listening to classic Christmas music. Most of them they froze to bring with them to Tony's. Bucky wanted to complain about not getting to eat any, but by the time they came out of the oven he'd licked so many dough-coated utensils that he wasn't even hungry anymore.
It had been hard to break the news to their parents that they'd be spending Christmas with friends instead. Every year since they got married, they'd spent the holiday together, the six of them. They said they understood, but Bucky could tell they were still hurt. He and Steve promised to do a post-Christmas celebration with them. However, Sarah picked up a bug from work a few days before Christmas, meaning they wouldn't have been able to be together even if they'd planned it. Bucky hoped none of their friends found themselves in a similar predicament.
On Christmas Eve, they each packed an overnight bag and headed into the city. Steve wore the red cardigan his parents had got him several Christmases ago, though it was rather big on him now, and Bucky threw on a navy cable knit sweater. Bucky drove, which meant the only control he had over the radio station was begging Steve or waiting for a red light. Naturally, Steve ensured that the dial remained tuned to the station that played only the most infuriatingly annoying Christmas songs.
"Steve, if you don't change it right now, I will turn this car around," he threatened.
"You wouldn't dare."
"I'm serious."
The song changed from "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" to "All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth" and Bucky's grip on the wheel tightened in frustration. They'd be on the highway for another forty minutes; he had no chance of changing it himself. He wished their car had voice control.
"This is a hate crime," Bucky muttered.
"It's not."
"Well, it's ableist."
"I'm not discriminating against you; I'm annoying you," Steve countered.
"Fine." It was clearly amusing him, so Bucky thought he might as well let him have this. The next song to play wasn't even that bad.
They arrived just over an hour later. Traffic in the city was so stop-and-go that Bucky could take control of the radio dial pretty much whenever he wanted, but Steve switched it back every time he started driving again. Tony greeted them at the door of the tower. He'd switched out his usual VAD backpack for a sack that read, "TOYS." Bucky wondered if he chose that of his own accord or if Steve talked him into it.
"Come on in, the party's just getting started." Tony beckoned them inside and they took the elevator up to the twelfth floor. The doors opened to reveal the most picture-perfect Christmas scene Bucky had ever laid eyes on. A fire burned warm and bright, the mantel above it decorated with tree branches interspersed with white lights and shining red beads. One of the biggest trees Bucky had ever seen stood in the corner, tastefully wrapped in lights and dotted with red, green, silver, and gold baubles. The angel atop it bore a striking resemblance to Steve as a child, but Bucky's personal bias may have influenced that comparison.
The sofa and chairs before the fireplace currently housed Parker, MJ, Nick, Bruce, Betty, Natasha, and Thor. Korg, Thor's new service dog, was nowhere in sight. Steve had explained that he would stay in Thor's room to avoid risking an asthma attack for him.
"Isn't that dangerous for Thor, though?" Bucky had asked.
"He said it's fine, as long as he stays sitting and nowhere near anything he can hit his head on. Besides, we'll all be there, and we know what to do."
They spent an entire five minutes just exchanging hugs and greetings.
A massive dining table was impeccably set for twelve. The plates were fine china, though Bucky surmised that wasn't all that overly fancy for a family like the Starks. In the center of the table stood a bouquet of poinsettias. Even the napkins were folded more crisply than Bucky had ever seen.
His favorite touch, however, were the stockings. They hung on the wall opposite the tree in four rows of four, spaced so perfectly they must've used a tape measure. Not only were they placed flawlessly, they were customized, with their names embroidered at the top. Bucky's was covered in gingerbread men with their left arms bitten off, Parker's with Star Wars characters in Santa hats. Wanda's was Hannukah themed, Nick's was embroidered with tactile patterns in red and green thread, and Thor's depicted a snowy cabin decorated with lights. Natasha's bore a scene from the Nutcracker, and Victor's a large Union Jack. Bruce and Betty both had a Christmas tree made of periodic table elements, while Tony's depicted a scene of toys being made in Santa's workshop, not by elves, but by robots. MJ's had Scrooge and the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future. Steve's hung right beside Bucky's. It had an angel and a bell, with the quote about bells ringing and angels getting their wings. Bucky knew it was in reference to It's a Wonderful Life, but he couldn't help but see the sadder side of that choice. Given the circumstances, he didn't like associating Steve with angels.
His favorite row of stockings was the top one. Those four stockings belonged to Scott, Carol, Clint, and Pietra. Scott's depicted Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, Pietra's perfectly matched Wanda's, Clint's had Looney Tunes characters dressed for the occasion, and Carol's contained a picture of Santa posed exactly like the stereotypical image of Bigfoot walking through the forest. Bucky knew Steve had a hand in choosing these designs for everyone. He could feel the love radiating off of them.
Two hallways lead off the main room, each with six doors, presumably to bedrooms. More lights were strung along the walls, just below the ceiling. Bucky and Steve traversed both halls and noticed each door was decorated based on the lyrics to the Twelve Days of Christmas. "You guys are in the two turtle doves room," Tony said.
"Did you choose that?" he asked Steve.
He hesitated. "Maybe."
They left their suitcases in the room, but pulled out the presents and left them under the tree alongside the others. Not long after they settled among their friends, Wanda and Victor arrived, completing the set of Avengers. They were jokingly jealous that Steve and Bucky got the two turtle doves room.
"Who's the partridge in a pear tree?" Bucky asked.
"That would be me," Tony replied.
"Figures," Parker quipped.
Tony led people to the kitchen and took requests for hot chocolate and eggnog. Within twenty minutes, they all had mugs or glasses in hand and sat around the roaring fireplace. Bucky's body glowed with a warmth completely separate from that exuded by the hearth. A sense of magic always drifted in the air when they all got together.
For hours on end, they talked. Laughter erupted at least every five minutes. Even when Tony, Parker, and Bruce moved to the kitchen to work on dinner, the party moved with them. Everyone stood around the kitchen, despite the endless traffic jams it caused. A few drinks nearly hit the floor, but somehow they always managed to save it. Bucky savored every second of this closeness. He rarely stepped more than a foot away from Steve.
Thor turned in early. Jet lag, sleep deprivation, and epilepsy was apparently a dangerous mix. "Are you gonna be okay?" Bruce asked.
"Yeah. Might seize, but Korg's here. He'll bark if there's trouble."
"Okay."
Everyone else didn't go to bed until nearly two hours later, and they'd heard no barking or suspicious thumps. Bucky hoped Thor didn't seize on Christmas. That would suck.
"I'm so glad I decided to ask everyone to do this," Steve told him as they crawled under the covers together.
"I'm glad you decided it too."
Steve was so exhausted from the day's activities that he fell asleep almost immediately. But right before he drifted off, Bucky heard him mutter, "Best last Christmas ever." He lay awake for two hours thinking about what next Christmas might look like.
~0~
Christmas morning dawned. Steve awoke panting because his oxygen tubing had fallen off some time ago; he didn't know how long. He really ought to get some of those stickers to keep it on his face overnight, but he hated the idea of attaching it with any sort of permanence like that. Within twenty minutes of returning it, he felt back to normal. Well, whatever passed for normal these days. He checked the time and saw that it was only six thirty. Bucky wasn't up yet. Steve doubted anybody else was. He quickly ran through his morning monitoring, and opened the door.
At least three different amazing scents hit his nose all at once. Coffee (some kind that must've been expensive as hell given that positively heavenly aroma), cinnamon from the French toast Tony and Parker were currently cooking up, and the peppermint of a candle burning on the table.
"Good morning. Merry Christmas," Parker greeted.
"Merry Christmas. You guys are up early."
"So are you," MJ said from the table she was busy setting.
"Fair enough. Can I help with anything?"
"No! You can sit the heck down," Parker insisted.
"Twelve people is a lot to cook for, are you sure?"
"Steve," Tony said warningly. "Sit. Down."
"Okay, okay," he relented. Steve took a seat at the place MJ just finished setting. He was disappointed he hadn't been asked to help. Setting it up with Tony the first time had lifted his Christmas spirit at least three notches. Their refusing to let him help stung more than they probably thought it did. Healthy people weren't shot down when they offered to help.
Gradually, the rest of the group began to emerge from their rooms. Tony took one look at Victor and Wanda's tousled hair and said, "I'm so glad these rooms are soundproof."
Victor's face blushed red as a tomato—seriously, he could give Steve a run for his money, and Steve was a notoriously bad blusher—and Wanda squawked like a sitcom character who just walked in on their weird uncle in the bathtub. Tony smirked. "No worries. You're not the reason they were soundproofed, and you're definitely not the only ones to benefit from it." Steve watched the back of Parker's neck turn pink and his movements at the griddle stiffen up. MJ's eyes went wide and she tugged at the hem of her pajama top.
The microwave dinging saved everyone from further embarrassment. "Anyone want bacon?" Tony asked. He directed his next comment at Wanda, "It's turkey bacon."
"No thanks."
Victor still hadn't faded back to white.
Thor emerged and happily reported no seizure activity. By the time the latest risers, Nick and Natasha, emerged, breakfast was ready. They took the same seats they'd occupied last night at dinner and once again dug in to some of the best food Steve had ever tasted. Or maybe it was just the circumstances that made his senses appreciate everything more. His appetite hadn't been normal in months, but at this table surrounded by these people he didn't feel sick at the notion of cleaning his plate and having seconds. He offered to help do the dishes, but was once again denied. Betty, Nick, and Victor took care of it.
Once the kitchen was clean, they gathered around the tree to open presents. Tony declared they would go in random order and pulled a box out from under the tree. "This one's for Nick."
He ran his fingers over the tag, which Steve noticed had been embossed with Braille letters. How thoughtful. "This actually says dick," Nick said shortly.
"It does?" Thor asked, sounding utterly terrified.
Nick started laughing uncontrollably.
"How did Ah…I…mess up…so bad?"
"In your defense, N and D are only one dot different. Honestly, this makes the gift even better." Nick opened the package and pulled out a set of silk pajamas. "Holy shit these are soft. That's some fine fabric right there. Thanks, Thor."
"You're welcome."
Betty went next, opening a set of fleece sheets from Parker. "These are so warm. Maybe I'll finally be able to sleep with fewer than three blankets. Thank you."
"You're welcome," Parker said with a smile.
MJ made him go next and handed him a box from under the tree.
"Wait, you drew my name?" he asked.
"Yeah. But that doesn't mean you're getting two gifts from me," she said sternly.
"I know. I'm sure this one will be so amazing I can't dream of anything better."
"You might've set your expectations a little too high."
"No way." He unwrapped the Star Wars themed wrapping paper and pulled open the flaps of a thin cardboard box. Steve could tell it was a sweater inside, but he couldn't see the front as Parker held it up to look at it. "Nope. Definitely not too high expectations. This is frickin' amazing."
"Show us!" Tony demanded.
Parker flipped it around and Steve was immediately confused. The image on the sweater was a turquoise…animal of some sort? It had a bill like a duck and the tail of a beaver, and was wearing a fedora for some reason in addition to being stuffed in a pot and wrapped in Christmas lights with a bird perched on its bill. "Is that a pla-ty-pus?" Thor asked.
"It's Perry the platypus. This is from one of Phineas and Ferb's Christmas episodes. I am going to put this on immediately." Parker dashed back to his and MJ's room and emerged less than fifteen seconds later wearing the sweater. He sat back down beside MJ and gave her a thank-you kiss.
Steve snuggled closer to Bucky, who threw an arm around his shoulders as they watched the next people open their gifts. Natasha got three pairs of adorable fuzzy socks from Betty, MJ opened a biography of Jeffrey Dahmer from Nick, and Tony unveiled a beautiful red cable-knit sweater from Natasha.
"Did you make this?" he asked wondrously.
"Yeah."
"How did you get my measurements?"
She smiled elusively. "I have my methods."
Tony stared blankly. "Not sure how I feel about that answer, but I got this awesome sweater because of it so I'm just going to let it go."
"Smart," Nick agreed.
Bucky nestled in even closer as Victor opened his present. His eyes lit up as he read the side of the mug, and he immediately showed it to Wanda. "Darling, look, it's a math joke."
She smiled at him so brightly her nose scrunched up. "Your favorite kind of joke."
"What's it say?" Bruce asked.
Victor turned the mug around to show him. Bruce read aloud, "I eight sum pi…and it was delicious." He chuckled wryly. "That's pretty clever."
"Let me see!" Parker said.
"I need to get me some dumber friends," Bucky grumbled, so quietly only Steve could hear.
Steve whispered back, "That's what your soccer team is for."
"Good point."
Steve held his breath as Thor opened the gift from him. It was the largest one under the tree in terms of surface area. There was another box that was probably larger in volume. He literally gasped when he saw the contents of the wrapping and stared at it for an unusually long time. Only when Thor's eyes regained their focus did Steve realize he'd probably just had an absence seizure.
"Steve…it's fan-tas-tic," he uttered.
He flipped it around to show everyone the art contained within the birchwood frame. They'd all seen plenty of Steve's drawings before, yet they still sounded amazed and showered him with compliments on his skills.
"I'm glad you like it," he said.
Wanda's gift from Bruce was a quilt. Each square depicted a black-and-white picture. Steve recognized the same faces across the different images, but he didn't know who they were. Wanda clearly did. "This is amazing," she said. "Bruce, where did you get this?"
"I found a company that does custom quilts, and I did a little research on Dick van Dyke. It was simpler than I thought it would be when I first had the idea."
Wanda spent the next few minutes pointing out to Victor which episode the famous scenes were from. Only two gifts remained under the tree, but three people were yet to open one. Bruce opened his from Tony, and Steve expected to see something obviously expensive. Instead, he unwrapped one of the most tattered books Steve had ever seen. He could barely make out the title, "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." That was Bruce's favorite book, but why would Tony get him an abused copy of a book he already owned?
Bruce flipped open the front cover and scanned the first few pages. "Tony, is this what I think it is?" he asked.
"I don't know, what do you think it is?"
"Is this a first edition?"
Tony nodded. "Hot off the presses in 1886."
"That book is almost a hundred and fifty years old?" Nick asked, followed quickly by, "Can I smell it?"
"Sure." Bruce offered him the book and Nick gently flipped the pages while inhaling deeply through his nose.
"Wow. That's some old book smell if I've ever smelled it." He handed it back.
"That's so cool," MJ remarked.
"Tony, thank you so much. This is…I don't even have the words," Bruce stammered.
"You're welcome."
"How did you even get this?"
Tony waved a hand like it was nothing. "My dad knows some people."
Only one gift remained. Steve and Bucky hadn't opened anything, and Wanda and Victor hadn't laid claim to any gifts opened so far. That meant between the two of them, they'd drawn Steve and Bucky's names. He immediately felt bad, while simultaneously wondering what they came up with.
Wanda handed him and Bucky a fairly sizeable box and explained, "I drew your name and Victor drew Bucky's, so we decided to get you something to share. I hope that's okay," she said sheepishly.
"Of course it's okay," Steve said. Bucky picked up the box like he was about to shake it, but Steve stopped him. "Come on Buck, just let it be a surprise."
"Fine."
Together, they tore off the paper and opened the box within. Inside were several smaller objects, each wrapped individually. Steve grabbed one parcel and Bucky took another. They turned out to be a Polaroid camera and a stack of film. Another, larger package remained in the box, among two smaller ones. Wordlessly, they decided to save the big one for last. A set of colored pens and a stack of notecards were inside the two small packages. They opened the last package together: an empty photo album. All at once, Steve understood the intention of the gift. Wanda and Victor had given them ways to create tangible memories, memories Bucky could keep forever. He took a deep breath and bit his lip to keep from crying.
"I—I don't know what to say," Bucky said. Steve could hear in his voice that he was also trying not to cry.
"Do you like it?" Wanda asked.
"I love it," Steve whispered reverently.
"I may have snuck a few photos of people last night," Victor admitted. "I thought you might want to put them in the book."
"Yes please," Steve and Bucky said in perfect sync.
"Thank you so much. This means a lot," Bucky said. Steve could already picture him clutching this book full of memories, flipping through the pages because it was all he had left. It stung to imagine a future like that, but it was better than picturing Bucky alone. Steve looked around this room, at all these people who were more family than friend, and relished in the knowledge that they'd remain a family even after he left.
