vii

I just sat on the porch steps, sipping another cup of coffee while Ross went about bringing in the cow. "I need to milk her before we go. That's the problem with being alone on a place, not having anyone to do the small things that really need to be done when you can't do'em." He made certain the cow and the other horse still inside its stall had enough hay and water to last until we returned. The well we'd sunk before I left for school was still providing cool sweet water and after tossing out the remainder of my coffee with its detritus of grounds, I filled our canteens and watered my horse.

I looked about and felt a tinge of envy that Ross was on his own, had his own land and granted, as my father had said, the land was basically worthless, Ross had made a go of it, that is, except for any farming. There was a small truck garden to the far side of the house and he had attempted to grow some carrots and green beans and a few other vegetables that were now only half-eaten stems and wilted leaves. Either deer or rabbits or some other creature had munched on them. Deer had been the bane of Marie's, Joe's mother's, attempts at a flower garden on the Ponderosa. She wept copiously when all the petunias she'd potted were destroyed and when my father built her a strawberry box, the first developing tender berries were ravished. Marie insisted my father sit up all night and shoot the animals. "Mon Dieu," she had exclaimed with grand gesticulations, "tirer sur les cervidés et nous pouvons manger pour la dîner! C'est plus juste!" Of course, even without knowing much French at all, my father could understand what Marie wanted and as much as venison is a coveted dish, my father did nothing of the sort and Marie showed her pique in many ways, distressing my father and making Hoss and me as miserable as he was. An angry woman can upset any man's world.

But I supposed the failed garden didn't affect Ross that way, especially as Ross had said Delphine was already taking care of him, making sure he had adequate canned goods from both her garden and probably from the bin at Gillis' store where canned goods that were horribly dented or had, in some manner, lost their labels, could be bought for a few pennies. I felt a little ashamed that I'd never had to consider such things as where my next meal was coming from or what it would be. I never had to be satisfied with a bowl of boiled wild greens and mesquite beans and I wondered how Ross had fared early on. Oh, in college I'd survived on the stale doughnuts as I told you, and coffee made with twice-used grounds, but Adrien and I never went hungry. And now that I was back home, I just assumed food would be on the table at every meal. I tried to not think about it too much as it made me uncomfortable since I had done nothing but be born to land among such bounty.

After Ross saddled up a nice-looking Appaloosa, we headed off to find the herd. The ride was enjoyable but more due to the company than the weather. Ross asked about the east saying he'd never been that far, and wondered what the ocean was like. He couldn't comprehend the vastness of nothing but water and I tried to describe the seals and what they looked like with their awkward rolling gait and how they sunned on the rocks but Ross just laughed and said seals sounded stranger than the carvings on the rockface. "Which only goes to prove, Adam, there are stranger things we can touch and hear than what any man's imagination can create."

After riding a few hours, we came across about 75 head with his brand. "Good looking cattle," I said, admiring the few calves among them. The animals had good conformation, well-shaped heads and sturdy legs. They trotted alongside their mother as the cattle moved off as we approached. "Where's the bull?"

"I guess he's with the rest of the herd."

"Wouldn't be a bad idea to keep him close to the house and only let him breed with a few select heifers."

"Why's that?" Ross asked. "I can get more calves letting him loose."

"That's true, but there's also a greater chance of something happening to him, a wolf or bear taking him down. And if he's as fine as my father said, someone may steal him. Ride out, find him and rope him."

Ross looked puzzled. "Think someone might do that?"

I was amazed. Did Ross not understand evil? How could he even ask such a question? Of, course, someone might do that, I wanted to say. I also wanted to add, but if you keep the bull in the barn at night, someone might steal the it out of your barn, set it afire and then cut you down when you came running out. Men can be cruel, avaricious and immoral. But I couldn't say it. I loved my friend and his naiveté broke my heart. Ross was such a trusting soul. I should have realized that was a weakness. If a man can't recognize evil, how can he avoid it?

~ 0 ~

Our plan was to go our separate ways to the farthest region of the property and then start pushing the cattle back closer to Ross'. At least then he'd know where they were as many had wandered since his hands had left him high and dry. We both knew that the old borders of the Ponderosa were fenced so the cattle would have to stop eventually if they went in tht direction. Ross and I decided to crisscross the area and note where we saw any cattle and then, close to sunset, meet up by the lake and set up camp for the night. Ross was there before me but not by much, and grinned when I rode up. He had dismounted under a small stand of shade trees.

"That was a full day, wasn't it? But I found three small groups of my cattle. I need to hire some men, Adam. I just happened to fall into hiring the men I had when I'd gone into town to buy some oats. I knew they weren't going to stay, just need some place to light for a while, but I hadn't counted on the bear showing up and scaring them shitless. They basically worked for their bunk and beans and I'd hired them on for three months."

"Well," I said, unsaddling my horse, "I can help you for a few days."

"Adam, I can't ask you to do that." He dropped his horse's saddle on the ground and a bit of dust flew up. The grass was thick and lush except under the shade of the tree where we planned to sleep and tie the horses.

"You're not asking me. I'm offering." I dropped the saddle and loosened the bridle, removing the bit. As difficult as it had been to get Scout to take the bit, he readily pushed it out with his tongue. I slapped him lightly on his neck. "Go on and graze a little." I stepped back and Scout, dropping his head, walked to the grass and began cropping. I admired his elegant, long legs and arched neck.

"No, Adam. This is my problem. I'm grateful to you but I have to start doing for myself."

I grinned. "I understand." I started to go look for some stones to rim a fire but stopped when Ross called my name.

"Except when it comes to the house," he said. "I'll take any help you can give me, and then some." We both laughed and while Ross took out the fry pan and the bacon and the few biscuits we hadn't already eaten, I gathered what we needed for a good-sized fire. It would be a pleasant night. My only regret was that I hadn't brought my guitar.

We sat in the dark, reclining against our saddles, the fire between us, and talked about what had transpired over the past few years. Ross asked me about women, had I fallen in love with any of them? "I expected you to come back married," he said "and your pa said a few things that made me think he feared it." I chuckled and talked about the two girls I had thought I loved, had considered marrying. But it was as if I stood at the edge of a precipice and couldn't take the final leap. "And then there was Lurene; she didn't help any."

"Lurene? Who's she?"

"She was the reason I couldn't commit to either of the other two. I just kept being drawn back to her."

"Maybe you loved her," Ross suggested, emphasizing 'her'.

"No. no, I didn't love Lurene and she sure as hell didn't love me. But we liked each other and sometimes I wonder if that wouldn't make for a better marriage." We sat in silence for a few moments and then I told Ross about my grandfather and his housekeeper, Mrs. Cairn, and admitted it was touching to see their affection for one another, especially since my grandfather was a bad-tempered curmudgeon but to his housekeeper, he was gracious and kind. I confessed I'd always thought people their age didn't have urges anymore, didn't enjoy the physical side of a relationship or even desire it; obviously I was wrong, I said and we laughed together.

"That's what I want, Adam," Ross said. "I just want to be with Delphine forever, you know? Have someone who loves me and is always there for me. I've been alone, seems like all my life." He looked pensive, gazing into the dark while the wolves howled in the distance. "I sometimes feel like that. Like that wolf," he continued. "I just feel like howling sometimes, not knowing why but I feel it welling up inside me and it just has to come out. When I feel like that, I go sit in the cave."

"The cave?" I sat straight up. "What the hell for?"

He turned and looked at me with the oddest expression. "I don't feel alone then. All the spirits keep me company and I hear their whispers. And I…you'll think I'm crazy, but, Adam, Sometimes I feel like one of them."

We stared at one another and then I leaned back on my saddle. "You're right. I think you're crazy as a bat." Ross laughed and settled back. I reached into my shirt pocket and pulled out a small tobacco pouch and some papers. "How about a smoke?"

"Oh, thanks, Adam. Can't tell you how long since I've had one." I rolled him one and tossed it high over the fire and Ross deftly caught it, and then pulled a burning stick from the fire to light it. He took a satisfying pull on it while I rolled myself one and we just enjoyed the relaxing effect of the tobacco. Once he stubbed out the last of his, Ross said in a low voice, "I have a favor to ask you, and if you would rather not, you can say so."

Funny how our minds start running whenever someone prefaces a request like that. What could he ask me that I would say no? All types of horrors ran through my mind even before I said, "Well, ask it."

"Would you stand up for me at my marriage? It would mean a lot to me and Delphine but if…"

"I'd be honored," I said, cutting him off, "and insulted if you didn't ask me." Ross' wide smile was good to see and suddenly I felt lighter.

"Now I really have to make that house more livable and I need to get Delphine a ring. Gotta have something for you to hand to me."

We laughed together and I stubbed out my cigarette. "Well, it's been a long day."

"You don't have to tell me," Ross said, adjusting the saddle that would serve as pillow. "I hope I sleep better tonight. I've been waking up and feeling like I never slept at all. And I've had the strangest dreams."

The strangest dreams... I wanted to share the night horrors I had endured but that would only delineate my childish fears and give them shape. "Dream, dream on, of bloody deeds and death…" Shakespeare had written and that would be true in my experience; I would continue to dream and deal with any beasts that pursued me with their vicious maws snapping after me. So, I only said, "Night," pulled up my blanket and settled in, my head resting on Scout's saddle.

"Night, Adam." I could hear Ross making himself comfortable and then I fell asleep to the usual sounds of the outdoors: Owls hooting, wolves howling and the rustling through the leaves and grass of who knows what.

The rising sun shone in my face and I rolled over to get away from it. The fire had died down and Ross was still asleep, his back to me. I lay, considering drowsing longer or rousing and making the coffee. My mind traveled on, trying to decide if I'd head down to the lake to fill the coffee pot and also fill the canteens or just use what was in our canteens for the coffee and then later fill the canteens while also watering the horses. Herding the cattle back would be miserable work for the two of us and although the cattle couldn't have wandered much since yesterday when we first spotted them, it would still be aggravating to find them if they had wandered even further. I decided I could use the walk to the lake to get my blood going and sat up, tossing aside the blanket. I froze. All about me, as if my sleeping form had been circled, were wolf tracks. Huge wolf tracks. I placed my hand beside one and it was equally as large. My breathing became ragged, my heart thudded as I imagined the scene of last night; that while I slept like a babe, not aware of anything, I had come dangerously close to having my throat ripped out by a huge wolf.

I looked over at Ross. "Hey, Ross, wake up! We had a visitor last night. Ross!"

He rolled over and half sat up. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"C'mere. Look at these."

Ross sat up, blinking in the sunlight. "What…it's morning?" He rubbed his face and ran a hand through his hair, staring at the debris he had raked out—a twig and some leaves. "Where did these…" He looked at me, confused. "Something wrong?"

"Come look at these tracks." I looked more closely at the ground. The wolf tracks seemed to appear suddenly among our boot impressions and then, from about me, off into the distance. Ross, reluctantly threw off his blanket and almost tripping over his own feet as if he were drunk, reached me and looked where I pointed.

"Damn," he said. "That's one big wolf." He stared at the tracks and I stared at his bare feet; oddly enough, there were bits of grass and dirt stuck to his feet and ankles as if he'd been out in the wet grass.

"It's not natural," I said, "a wolf that big. I've never seen even a timber wolf up north that big."

"Funny," Ross said. He squinted and looked up at the sky. "I dreamt last night…" He suddenly went silent and looked down at me. He was uneasy. He swallowed. "Want me to make the coffee?"