Kaiyo was surprised she felt so little.
Or… more accurately, she couldn't seem to feel anymore. Not after...
'We found one of your daughters,' Shinobu-san (just san, not sama, please) told her, face completely serious.
Kaiyo's eyes widened. 'So soon?'
'It… wasn't difficult. Your old village was… remembered.'
The former demon purposefully didn't read too much into that. Instead, she swallowed, pushed any guilty thoughts to the side for the time being and focused on her daughter.
'Chiyo or Etsuko?' she asked, unable to keep the hope from her voice, despite knowing she would still likely not be able to see them again.
'Yamamoto Etsuko,' the Hashira said quietly. 'She married at a typical age and lives in a village not far from your own.' Kaiyo couldn't help her face light up at the thought of her daughter marrying and living – surviving – on. She was about to ask for more information when Shinobu-san continued. 'She has two children of her own, a boy and a girl. Her son's marriage is planned for next month.'
It felt like she'd been hit by a galloping horse, and all of her excitement fled, as if it had never been. Right then, it struck Kaiyo as to just what she had missed. Her daughters growing, finding love (she sincerely hoped), marrying, having children… she'd missed her grandchildren being born, living, growing and beginning their own lives as adults already.
She'd known already, but…
'Also… your daughter has become very sick recently, with – from what the kakushi could gather – sharp pains in the side of her chest. It is, apparently, spreading.'
Kaiyo closed her eyes at the familiar description, not wanting to take anything more in. 'I… see,' was all she could get out. It… was too much. She'd missed too much… and there was nothing she could do about it.
Part of her wanted to ask Kamado-san if he had a solution. Could he change Etsuko into a demon… and then burn it out again? That should heal her, right? It had certainly healed Kaiyo… but would that be worth it? Demons were unnatural at best and the kind of pain her body had gone through… but could she just leave her daughter to that fate? To the same sickness that had driven Etsuko's parents to such desperation to find any cure they could?
Even now, she marveled at how free and open her body felt.
What could she even say to ask someone to turn her daughter into a demon? Even to save her life? Would it be worth it? She wasn't sure…
''Thank you,' was all she could say, and she meant it, but she needed time…
That had been over a week ago and Kaiyo hadn't had the presence to really speak about it. They were still searching for Chiyo, apparently, and she was grateful, but… Etsuko had been the younger of her two daughters. Chiyo likely had a family of her own too, and maybe more children married. The possibility was certainly there at least.
Kaiyo would likely be blessed to witness her great grandchildren being born.
Was it a blessing though? It felt like a curse, to not be able to see or touch them or give them any of her love… because how could she even explain that? And even if she tried, could she lie to them like that?
Her mind kept running around in circles and the only thing that seemed to pop out of the haze of emptiness – the lack of feeling – was exhaustion. She was just so… tired.
She went through the chores assigned to her – mostly cleaning and preparation work – because she didn't know what else to do – what else she could do. She wanted to serve the people who had brought her back. Even if she hated that she had been brought back at all, she hated the idea of being a monster worse. She especially hated that man…
Or would if she could feel anything.
But she knew that she would want to see him fall. Eventually she would be able to feel again (as much as she dreaded that day), and so she would do what she could. Hopefully, her future-self could appreciate that. But for now, she went through the motions of washing the dishes, her hands in the cool, sudsy water of a barrel as she scrubbed. It was a job she had never minded as it gave her time to think… And yet, the last thing she wanted to do at the moment was think.
She sighed, hands pausing for a moment as she thought back on everything again, and (once again) came to no conclusions.
Before she could begin again, a knock on the door had her turning to look at it over her shoulder. "Yes?"
The door opened and she had to bite back a gasp as two glowing, red eyes with the kanji of 'Waxing Zero' peeked through. Then the owner smiled as he caught sight of her and stepped into the kitchen.
"Kaiyo-san! Hi!"
She calmed her heart, knowing this boy had no ill will towards her. That didn't stop her from reacting every time she saw him. She knew what demons had to do to get into those upper Kizuki positions. Even if he'd explained it, that didn't stop her from thinking about what she heard as a…
She quickly shoved that thought aside and straightened, bowing respectfully to the boy.
(Is he really a boy? How old is he?
Shush Kaiyo! Do not go down that road either.)
"Kamado-san."
"Did I tell you to call me Tanjiro?" he asked, frowning. Then he seemed to shake it off. "Well, if I didn't, I give you permission now."
Honestly, Kaiyo couldn't remember either, but the idea of calling the extremely powerful former Waxing Moon by his personal name didn't exactly fill her with comfort.
Still… it would be less comfortable to make him angry. She didn't think he would hurt her now, but those instincts still screamed at her, no matter how she tried to silence them.
Apparently it would take more time to unlearn those habits. She didn't like that thought at all.
"T… Tanjiro-san," she said softly.
He grinned.
With those teeth, it didn't make her feel better.
Well… okay, maybe a little, because it also shone of pure sunshine.
This boy was a walking contradiction.
"What can I do for you?" she asked, deciding to get to the point of his visit.
"Oh, well, Nezuko woke up!" He was still beaming at her. "It was only for a minute or two, and then she went right back to sleep, but I'm so happy she woke up before I went to bed tonight. But then Tamayo-san and Shinobu-san came back once they heard and shunted me out and now I'm supposed to head down to the cellar but I wanted to come find you first." His smile wasn't beaming anymore, but it was soft and warm.
Kaiyo only blinked. "Why?" she heard herself ask and then had to bite her tongue from apologizing.
(Fighting the instincts to not show weakness to this boy was harder than she thought it would be. It hadn't been so bad before, but then she'd been so surprised and reeling from revelations and now… she was just tired and occasionally scared or hateful.)
He cocked his head to one side, staring at her for a couple of seconds before he spoke. "I wanted to see if you are alright, Kaiyo-san."
She took back that idea that she'd hadn't felt surprised recently.
Because… "What?"
Then his expression turned so sad. "I… know what it's like, to go from one time and home and wake up in some place and time completely different. I know what it's like to lose people close to you and not talk to them again for their own safety. I… suppose I was just worried."
She continued to stare at him for several more seconds before something within her just shattered and suddenly she felt herself falling to her knees, tears rolling down her cheeks and the emptiness inside her aching and open and hurting far worse than the hunger of a demon ever could because she can't fill it up ever again…
"Kaiyo-san!" the boy yelped, and then she felt small but strong arms wrap around her.
Her instincts to stay away from him didn't even kick in.
So much for not showing weakness. Yet, she couldn't bring herself to regret it.
"T-they found E-e-etsuko," she sobbed. "M-my youngest daughter. She's m-m-married and has ch-ch-children of her own and I'm s-s-so hap-happy for her! But I've missed it all! I-I'll never know m-m-my grandchildren. I n-n-never got t-t-to s-s-see her m-m-married. Never met h-h-her husband! W-w-was she t-t-taken care of?! Did sh-she have the sup-pport she needed? Wh-what about he-her sister?!"
Well, so much for not feeling anything… but she almost wished she could go back to the numbness she'd felt before because the aching and stinging in her soul just seemed so… encompassing. She couldn't see past it…
"They're all gone now! They may as well be dead and I c-c-can't help but b-b-blame myself! I-if I c-c-could have just a-a-accepted my fate—"
"You know that's not true," a soft voice in her ear said as he rubbed circles in her back.
No one had done that since…
She couldn't help if she clung to him just a little tighter.
"It's not fair of you to blame yourself," he whispered. "You were sick and desperate and wanted to see them grow up. That you didn't isn't fair or right by any stretch of the imagination. But it is not your fault.
"It is Muzan's. Full stop."
She sobbed some more.
"I-I-I know!" she practically wailed into his haori. "I know and I hate him for it! B-b-but…" she faded off, not quite sure how to put what she felt next into words.
He finished her sentence for her, voice almost inaudible. "But that doesn't stop it from hurting."
For a moment, she paused in her crying, not even breathing as relief washed over her. He knew. He understood…
And all she could do after that was nod into his chest as tears continued to flow.
"H-he took everything from me," she hissed.
"Yeah," he said… and yet, the sound had so much meaning to it, she could practically hear the subtext dripping from the word.
So she looked up, curiosity (and maybe a little desperation for a distraction) getting the better of her. His eyes were distant, looking off to the side and not at her at all, not focusing on anything really… and that kind of scared her.
"W-what did he take f-f-from you?" she asked softly, ready to take it back at the slightest hint of discomfort or upset.
Instead, he just closed his eyes and took a shuddering breath of his own.
"Everything… and more."
She blinked through the tears, not understanding. He had his sister in the next room, didn't he? But then… if he was a Waxing Moon, he had to be much older than that girl, so perhaps she was adopted? Or somehow related otherwise and they were just very close? Was she a descendant of one of his original siblings?
He must have noted her confused expression because he sighed and closed his eyes. When he opened them, all emotion had left his face.
"He took my family away from me, held them hostage, made me do unspeakable things to keep them safe. He killed them in front of me. And not in pleasant ways."
Kaiyo almost didn't recognize the boy before her now. He spoke in a cold, analytical voice and his face could have been carved from stone for all the expression he showed. Kaiyo tried to make sense of his words and the tone he said them in. She didn't doubt their truthfulness. And yet, earlier he'd said he saved his family, so how could they have been held hostage? Well, if the girl he claimed as a 'sister' was a descendant or just a friend he'd made… had his original family been taken by that man? Killed (tortured, murdered)? Most likely. This poor boy…
"I hate that he did that," he continued, his voice harsh and grating. "So much.
"But… more than that, I hate what he's turned me into." He fell silent for a minute and Kaiyo nodded in understanding because being a demon… well, there was a reason she didn't like to think back on that time of her life.
"Not a demon," he said suddenly, surprising her again. She blinked, having been completely thrown off again. "I mean, I hate that too. I don't want to be a demon, but… I can deal with it. I've lived with it for so long it's almost second nature to me now and I can handle it, even if I despise doing so.
"No, I hate what he's done to me."
Kaiyo frowned, still blinking. "I… don't understand." Because if he wasn't talking about becoming a demon, than what was he talking about?
"I… haven't been truly happy in a while," he whispered, and that sounded like something he hadn't really told anyone. It felt heavy and fragile and Kaiyo wasn't quite sure what to do with that. So she kept quiet and let the boy continue. "I mean… it's not like I don't feel what I project but… it's different from what it used to be, you know.
"I hate what he did to my family. Absolutely despise him for it… And I hate what he did to me. But that's just it, I didn't used to hate at all. It's such a negative, heavy feeling that I don't want and yet… now I have to admit that I utterly despise his very existence… and I loathe that. I hate that I hate now." He snorted a sort of soft, derisive noise as he leaned his forehead forward into her shoulder.
She didn't dare move. Something in her screamed to just stay quiet and let this happen.
"I feel so selfish and cruel. I'm not who I wanted to be. The stronger I get, the more I lose myself because it's always demonic power lately."
He chuckled mirthlessly. "Through his torture and constant blatant sociopathy, he's driven away so much of what I valued about myself." She felt him shake his head. "Don't get me wrong, I'd do it again in a heartbeat – and have, even – to save my family. I will never regret saving them. But… to save them and make sure they continue to live long, happy lives, he has to die. And I look forward to it. I dream of it. It has become such a motivation to me.
"I have become something truly despicable to defeat him. And I hate him for it."
Almost as much as I hate myself, she could almost hear the thought from him and her heart went out to him because that she could definitely understand.
He sighed. "That… is why I hate him most, these days."
And for a moment, Kaiyo didn't see the Kizuki in this boy at all. The only thing she saw was a lost child who had to grow up too fast. She saw someone in pain, like her, and so she did what she likely shouldn't do (she had no idea how she would explain if someone walked in on them), and reached up to hug him.
His body shuddered under her hands and she clutched him tighter. It wasn't comfortable, her neck and arms hurt from how they were stretched and angled, but… it was worth it, she thought, because he curled in a little tighter.
"And I'm still being selfish," he whispered. "I came to comfort you and then…"
"Silly boy," she said softly, still feeling as if she would burst back into tears at any moment. She hadn't felt like this since the last time she held Etsuko and Chiyo before they'd been taken to live with family for the duration of her sickness. "We can take comfort from each other. I truly appreciate what you have done, gone out of your way to check on me. That is nothing short of kind. So let me return that kindness?"
He huffed a laugh. She decided to take that as a win.
"Thank you, Kaiyo-san."
Eventually, he would have to go on his way. Too soon, she thought to herself, but said nothing, simply holding him like he seemed to so desperately need until he could hold himself together again.
He'd been strong for her. She would be strong for him.
xXx
Of all the changes Sanemi had gone through and had to deal with after becoming a demon, the hunger was the worst. Hands down.
Second was the strange tongue that he was still getting used to (and the fact that it was a large part of how his blood art worked – or that he even had a blood art – didn't help).
Third, surprisingly, was the enhanced senses that came with being a demon. He hadn't thought such would be a problem, but while seeing in the dark and hearing mice breathe could certainly be useful at times, it was also often annoying beyond belief. Hearing peoples' heartbeats… smelling their sweat… hearing them talk… If Kamado could hear all of this all the time, how was he still sane? It almost felt like yet another punishment to Sanemi; he pushed his senses to greater heights as a human, only for them to be outright maddening as a demon.
He'd purposefully taken the cell farthest from the two new demons. Tamayo and Yushiro. They smelled different from normal demons, less appealing, but he doubted that would matter to his stomach. (His stomach that still wanted to consume everything and everyone around him.)
So he'd taken the sleeping brat and put her in the cell across from his. Then he'd commandeered a futon and some blankets and tried to sleep.
It was funny, he realized not much later, that he'd never had a problem sleeping before, especially not as a demon, but now, as he lay there trying to ignore the burning ache in his stomach, he couldn't seem to fall asleep. A lot of that had to be the short, quiet (but not quiet enough) conversations as the demon doctor (that entire concept did not add up) ran her tests and instructed her assistant when she needed him to do something, the clanking of glass and wood and metal against each other, the knowledge that unknown (to him) demons – no matter how they'd been vetted – were just down the stone hallway combined with his once again growing hunger just…
He felt his fingers curl and relax, the claws there now expanding and contracting with the motions. He both hated and enjoyed the sensation for reasons he couldn't begin to guess at (well, the enjoyment in any case). He didn't know how long he'd laid there, but it felt like years – decades – by this point. (It couldn't have been longer than a night, but it felt longer.)
Then, the distant echo of other voices and another conversation reached his ears. He twitched in annoyance but couldn't stop himself from listening in. It came from above, so someone was – or two someones were – approaching the doorway leading down to the basement. He could guess who it was.
"… Will happily speak with both of you tomorrow, Tanjiro-san, after Tamayo-san and I have both finished running our tests and your sister wakes," Shinobu said, her voice trailing down the stairwell, getting louder as she got closer.
A small sigh sounded in response. "Hai, Shinobu-san." That was definitely Kamado. Sanemi's hands clenched into fists.
"I will be by to open the door tomorrow morning," the Insect Pillar assured him (it sounded sincere… but Sanemi couldn't tell how genuine the woman was being unless he could see what smile she'd decided to wear when saying that). "Sleep well."
"Thank you, Shinobu-san. You sleep well too!" Kamado replied, his voice suddenly normal – aka, entirely too chipper. Why did he always sound like that? After everything he'd been through, Sanemi didn't understand. The kid should be just as frustrated and angry as Sanemi was.
The fact that he didn't understand didn't help his temper. He still clenched down on it as best he could.
The clanking of the metal door closing and then locking had Sanemi relaxing more than he thought it would. He frowned. Why did being locked away comfort him? It didn't take him long to realize he'd been worried that he'd lose control, go nuts and attack people. It was a valid concern, even if he thought he'd had a handle on it.
He hated this so much.
He withheld a growl, not wanting Kamado to know he was awake. He didn't want to deal with the brat – or anyone – right now. Not if his control was really that bad.
Thankfully, the boy's footsteps retreated once they reached the ground of the basement, heading away from Sanemi and towards the demon doctor. The Wind Pillar let out the breath he'd been holding. If he were lucky, maybe he'd be able to get to sleep now that he didn't have to worry about actually hurting any humans.
"Tamayo-san," Kamado greeted, simultaneously destroying that notion.
"Leave her alone!" the green-haired brat hissed, getting on Sanemi's nerves far more than the red-eyed kid ever could. "Can't you see she's busy?!"
"Yushiro."
"Yes, ma'am!"
Sanemi pulled the blanket up over his head in embarrassment. He didn't want to hear this. It was… just no. The blanket wouldn't help him tune them out, but it felt like more of a barrier between him and them, even if he knew it really wasn't. He felt childish, hiding like that, but he couldn't bring himself to care right now. Not when he was getting desperate to sleep and escape the ever present, proverbial hole in his gut.
"What do you need, Tanjiro-san?" The doctor's calm voice drifted down the damp hallway, sounding pleasant and pleased.
"Well," the time-traveler started, "I… was just curious about Nezuko, is all."
Sanemi could practically hear the woman smile in response and rolled his eyes.
"I believe Shinobu-san is correct. We should discuss it with her tomorrow." A pause. The kid must have made a face because the doctor spoke again, her voice warm and reassuring.
"There are concerns, but they aren't life-threatening. She'll be fine, Tanjiro-san."
Sanemi heard a relieved exhale. "Thank you, Tamayo-san."
"You're welcome."
"Is there anything I can do to help you?"
The Wind Pillar rolled his eyes again. No one that strong should sound that hesitant.
"I don't think so," the woman said slowly, considering. "I was just triple checking some of the samples I took from your new… underlings."
Sanemi grit his teeth, both at the implications and the woman's almost teasing tone. Teasing. Like his entire situation was some lighthearted annoyance and not something that was quickly driving him completely insane.
Kamado drew in a quick, pained breath. Had he just winced?
"Please don't call them that," the boy begged. His tone surprised Sanemi. It sounded… strained and a little desperate. Not annoyed or frustrated, which had likely been what the woman had been going for because she didn't answer immediately. She must have been surprised too.
Then the green-haired brat yelled again.
"HOW DARE YOU PUT THAT EXPRESSION ON TAMAYO-SAMA'S FA—"
"Yushiro."
"Yes, ma-am!"
That kid's obsession was… disturbing.
"As for the tests," Tamayo went on after another pause (likely in which she'd given her assistant a look), "I am finding much the same from when I studied Akaza's blood."
"Akatsugi."
Another pause.
"Pardon?" Tamayo asked, sounding puzzled.
"Muzan gave him that name," Kamado explained, sounding tired. "His original name was Hakuji, but he didn't want to go by that name… for his own reasons. So he chose the name 'Akatsugi'."
More silence.
"I… see," the doctor finally responded, sounding thoughtful. "Very well. But in any case, he seems to have far more demon cells in his blood than either of your other two…" she faded off, not seeming to know what to call Sanemi and Kimiko. "Subordinates?" she finally ventured. The Wind Pillar could practically hear Kamado cringe at that. He wanted to tear down the hall and yell that he was no one's subordinate – or at least not his – but the inevitable resulting conversation (argument… or fight) would likely end with Sanemi attacking them with the intent to eat.
Yeah. Not happening. She could think what she wanted. Didn't make her right. He focused his eyesight back on the wall he could see through a gap in the blanket. It was rough, with obvious indents where someone had chiseled the stone away. Must have taken months (if not years) to create this place.
"I definitely gave Sanemi more blood than Akatsugi got from a couple of bites of my… ugh, flesh," the kid said with what sounded like a shudder.
Sanemi frowned. Shouldn't they be talking about this to his face too? This was why he didn't like people, let alone demons who were twenty times worse.
"Hmm," Tamayo said. "I suppose that your cells converted Muzan's and since Ak...atsugi was a Waxing Moon, that could explain it, although to verify I'd have to have more samples to confirm it." Another pause. "I assure you I am not suggesting you turn anyone, Tanjiro-san. I am merely stating facts and theories."
Good. She better be.
Before he could think on it more, she continued. "That theory would also explain why the child has more demon cells than your Hashira friend, since you turned him from a human."
Sanemi thought his teeth might break with how hard he gritted them. Did she have to say it aloud? Like that?!
"Yeah," Kamado muttered.
He must have looked upset because Tamayo spoke softly again, back to being reassuring.
"You did it to save his life."
"Doesn't stop me from feeling terrible about it," the kid muttered. Sanemi blinked. Kamado… felt badly about it? Really? "No one deserves this," the time-traveler went on. "I just… I was selfish, I guess. I didn't want to explain how I hadn't protected him to his brother."
Sanemi really wished he were asleep then. He did not want to think about Genya right then… or ever. He cursed Kamado in his head before trying to calm down. He didn't want to draw attention to himself at the moment either.
A self-depreciating snort drew his attention.
"Now said brother hates me even more than he would have," Kamado muttered. "He was my friend the first time…"
Another heavy pause.
"I think you did what you did in the heat of the moment, desperate to save a comrade from dying in front of you." Tamayo disagreed. "That isn't selfish.
Sanemi wasn't entirely sure what he thought about that. He… hated being a demon but… he had no problem believing Kamado had just wanted to save his life. Funny that of all things, that was what he had found the most peace regarding. He supposed he really believed in the kid after all.
Huh.
Not that said kid would ever find out.
"I still feel selfish," Kamado whispered.
Tamayo sighed. A strangled sound came from the green-haired brat, but thankfully, he said nothing. So, he could learn. Go figure.
"Why don't you go to bed, Tanjiro-san," Tamayo suggested. "Yushiro and I will stay here, working, but you look exhausted."
Another sigh. "Yeah. I'm on a pretty normal sleep schedule again, so if something happens, I'll wake up and stop it pretty fast."
"I'm glad to hear it." Wait… did she sound… relieved?
Was she… scared of Sanemi?
He… supposed she'd be kind of stupid not to be. Of the two of them, she had the highest chance of being attacked and eaten. Or any chance, really. He doubted she could really get the drop on him even asleep.
Instead of freaking him out, though, more tension drained out of his body and he finally felt himself begin to drift. He was fine. He was safe. And so was the girl.
Oh. Had that been keeping him awake too? Stupid protective instincts… over a demon. Yet another thing no one ever needed to know.
"Good night, Tamayo-san," Kamado said, his voice sounding distant.
"Good night."
"Don't wake up again."
"Yushiro."
"Yes, ma'am!"
Kamado chuckling was the last thing Sanemi heard before he finally drifted off.
xXx
AN: When I have Tanjiro say that he has done 'truly unspeakable' things… I'm not kidding. I don't know if I can actually address it here without upping the rating. I'm not sure I can bring him to a mind-set where he COULD admit them and speak about them at this point… truly unspeakable, or about as close as one can get. Is it healthy for him to bottle it up? No. And one day he will have to acknowledge and face it… but I don't think that time is now or any time soon.
You're welcome to make guesses in the comments (I am a little curious as to what you think he may have been forced to do that traumatizes him), but please warn if you're going to guess something graphic so people with triggers can skip them…
Actually, I'm going to say it here and now: You may want to skip reading the comments for this particular chapter if you have triggers you need to take care of. Please take care of yourself!
Thank you to Kaylessa, TimeLordTim, Found and Quathis for their help with this! (No, seriously, so amazing!)
Discord: discord. gg/xDDz3gqWfy (no spaces)
