Cosima avoids me for a week after the wedding. I had pushed too far. I should not comment on Cosima's girlfriend. It isn't my place. And it isn't fair of me. I certainly regret it in the days that follow. My mother seems pleased enough at Cosima's absence and I do get more work done. But that's never been a struggle for me.

I find I miss seeing her on campus, lurking out the science buildings where I have my labs. I keep looking around as if I expect to run into Cosima at random. But even at home, I see very little of her. Always leaving or coming home and going into the Lalonde's apartment. I take to doing some of my readings in the courtyard, hoping to catch Cosima's attention but she is rarely home.

Finally, I catch sight of her one day on my way home for lunch. Drinking on the terrace at a café not far from campus with other students.

"Cosima!" I call, quickly walking over to the group. I wave, too enthusiastically and I wince when Cosima finally looks over.

"Oh hey Delphine." Cosima acknowledges me only casually. A flippant wave, before she returns herself to her friends. She seems to have made plenty.

"I haven't heard from you." I approach the table.

"Who's she?" A lanky young man with an English accent asks before drinking liberally from his glass of wine.

"That's just Delphine. Her family lives above my host parents." Cosima brushes it off, sipping her own red wine. A few other students surround them. Some American. Some English. It seems to be a sneaky gathering to escape their immersion.

I decide to leave, clearly Cosima isn't interested in spending time with me anymore. I shouldn't be so disappointed. I should be glad she can manage getting around, that she's found friends. It will make for a better term here. Absently I wonder if she's managed to find herself a lover. If that's why I no longer hold her interest. Or if she'd been finding more pay phones and calling Lori.

"Bye Cosima." I wave, faking a quick smile before walking away.

I return home, opting to snack and read. I grow bored of my readings. The newspapers are entirely consumed with the upcoming election, I reach for something more fun. I read the novel, stretched out on my belly on my bed. Letting myself be consumed by it. Other people. Other places. Other times. Being nothing. I drift away, but my mind remands engaged.

Partway through the novel I find myself responding to it, I am reaching down a hand to stimulate myself when I am interrupted. A soft knocking on my door disturbs my reading.

"Oui?" I respond loudly, mostly so I won't be interrupted. Maybe it'll be Sebastien or Maman. Maybe they will just go away and leave me in peace to continue.

"Delphine?" Cosima's voice calls from the other side of the door. "Sebastien let me in."

"He did?" I jump up, the narrative forgotten and my sympathetic arousal tempered instantly. At least Cosima had interrupted me now instead of a little later. I can let her in. "Come in."

Cosima smiles widely as she opens the door. "Oooh you're reading."

"Yes. I was." I brush it off, and begin to shove the book under my pillow when Cosima stops me.

"What are you reading?" Cosima grabs the book from my hands, laughing jovially. Cosima understands enough French that her eyebrows quickly raise from skimming my reading material. "Finally! It's not genetics!"

"It's romantic." I tell her, trying desperately not to blush. I know Cosima is teasing me, but perhaps it is well deserved. If I had been reading science or philosophy that would have impressed her more I am sure. Instead she has to catch me reading this. It's humiliating.

"Looks like doomed romance. But like, it's sexy." Cosima laughs. "Ooh. One of them is married to someone else. Yikes."

"It is…" I nod in agreement. "The longing. The desire… they… the characters they find something in each other very compelling. And they cannot quite keep away. It's sent in the 20s, here in Paris."

"Sexy." Cosima nods with a smirk.

"Very." I agree. Not wanting to give too much away about the nature of my fantasies. Perhaps it was odd fiction was my preference for my fantasies. But hopefully Cosima wouldn't judge it. Maybe she wouldn't make assumptions at all. She wouldn't know. Not just from seeing the book.

"And then they make love endlessly?" Cosima teases me, somehow figuring it out. "This Eloïse and François ?" Cosima plays up a fake accent and it's irresistible.

I laugh freely in response. "More or less." It's a simplification of the themes of agency, love and art. But it's not wrong either.

"You need to get out more, Delphine." Cosima smirks, tilting her head at me. "I think we can do better for entertainment than a one-hand read."

I laugh, quickly figuring out the euphemism. "Then let's go." I turn to her with a smile, placing my reading material back by my bed.

We stroll out into the gardens and hesitate. Where should I take Cosima?

"Where to next?" Cosima asks me.

"I don't know. What do you want to see?" I ask her. "Are you hungry? We could get supper, eat. And stroll. The Eiffel tower is lovely at night, we can go now? Go up and watch the sunset. And eat after? »

"You. I missed you. I'm sorry… I was avoiding you." Cosima apologizes. "And that sounds great."

"You don't need to apologize. My mother was rude." I tell Cosima. "She… she guessed you were a lesbian. I am not sure why." That's the truth, why my mother who was so intent to ignore so much picked up on that I will never know.

"She was." Cosima nods. "I'm kind of surprised. She… she read me right away."

"That you're a lesbian?" I respond. "I guess so. I didn't think much about it." And it's true, I hadn't much. It didn't seem important.

As if on cue, my mother opens the gate to the courtyard, she is smiling, seemingly very satisfied with something until she sets eyes on Cosima and I, dressed casually and standing closely.

"Allo Delphine...Cosima." My mother tries to be polite. "Where are you two going?" She spits out simply in English. Intent on getting the answer as quickly as possible.

"I won't be home for dinner. I am going out with Cosima." I tell my mother simply in English when we pass her in the courtyard.

"Bye Brigitte." Cosima gives her a half wave, and moves to go passed her out to the street.

"Delphine!" My mother looks at me completely exasperated. "C'est pas une bonne idée ma grande."

"Pourquoi? C'est juste souper." I throw up my arms. "J'ai toujours les bonnes notes." Really my mother shouldn't be complaining. This is ridiculous. So what if I want to be friends with Cosima? Why hadn't she tried to stop me when I was showing the boys or Tina around? The only difference is I enjoy spending time with Cosima more. It's ludicrous to try to stop me.

My mother looks at me exasperated, pointing at Cosima. "Elle a envie de voir ta foufoune! Tu peux pas le laisser."

I laugh at first, unsure of what I could possibly say to that. "Maman!" I chide my mother, who shrugs at me as if to say, why does it matter? Cosima cannot understand.

Cosima looks between the two of us eyes wide as she tries to figure out what she heard.

"Viens." I motion to Cosima, moving out to walk with her. Surely we can find something to keep us entertained. "How much of that did you understand? »

"Not much. But probably enough." Cosima admits quietly. "But I can put together enough from her tone. I don't know why your mom is so nervous to have you around me."

"Me neither." I admit. "She wants me to date Marc, this boy I know. She probably just thinks you're getting in the way." It doesn't have to be anything more than that, I tell myself. My mother's ridiculous concerns.

"That's stupid. You clearly don't like him or you'd be fucking his brains out and not like, reading ." Cosima giggles as she teases me. "I just have one question."

"What is it?" I look at Cosima and lower my eyes slightly. "You want to know what a 'foufoune' is?" I guess quickly.

"Yeah… I mean foufoune?" Cosima repeats cluelessly. "That is definitely not in my dictionary so either it's vulgar or it is some weird slang."

I cannot help from laughing again. "It is a….childish euphemism. Like something you'd tell a little girl in the bath, lave ta foufoune!" I tell Cosima quickly. "I mean, obviously, adults can use the word as well but…"

"So … it's like… a vagina?" Cosima surmises, walking with me to the metro stop.

"A vulva. The whole… genital region." I correct carefully.

"Right. Yeah." Cosima nods and begins to giggle madly. "So even your mom thinks I am obsessed with pussy. Wow… I guess I am just that obvious."

I am not sure what to say to that so I simply laugh. "Come on, Cosima. Don't… don't worry about my mother. She is being ridiculous. We can just forget it." I certainly don't want to start talking about what my mother said. We can forget about it and move on with having fun. With enjoying each other's company.

"Like, she's wrong. I… I don't. You know?" Cosima looks at me pleadingly.

"Alright." I nod. "Let's go. It's better if we get up the tower before the sun sets."

"Right. To the metro!" Cosima announces, pulling me by the hand as we rush down the stone steps down to the subway.

The conversation and euphemism, seemingly forgotten, I decide to simply enjoy Cosima's company.

"Stairs or elevator?" I ask Cosima when we've arrived at the Eiffel tower. "And translate?"

"Escaliers ou… l'ascenseur?" Cosima prompts hopefully to an approving smile.

"Oui." I nod. "So?"

"Let's climb up. We're young and healthy." Cosima urges me. "The full exhausting experience."

"Alright. Let's go." I agree. "On y va!" And we ascend together, taking the steps quickly at first and then more slowly.

"OK. This is harder than I thought." Cosima laughs, mildly out of breath but we continue. After all, we can manage the stairs. Privately, I decide that we will be taking the elevator down when we are done.

"It is a lot of stairs." I admit, reaching for Cosima's hand, we ascend among the few tourists who bother to come at this time of day. Most prefer broad daylight for a better view. But I want something more special for Cosima. A memory that will stay with her long after she leaves. And this fits right.

"And done." Cosima takes several deep breaths and we move out of the way of the stairs, to take in Paris. Les Champs des Mars stretch out beneath us and we can see much of the city below. This city I love so much.

"And, this is Paris." I smile at Cosima. Happy that we waited to do the tower until today. It feels suddenly perfect, the mild night, Cosima's awed face as she takes it in.

"Wow…" Cosima looks out over the observation area, the sun just starting to set and the city practically cast aglow.

"324 metres high. Not high by today's standards… but enough for a fabulous view." I smile at Cosima.

"This is… incredible. I guess for you it's just a dumb tourist thing." Cosima winces sympathetically at me. As if I have done this all for her, and I have, but I wanted to. And I need t make that clear.

"Not dumb." I correct Cosima. "It's beautiful." And it is, and Cosima's joy at it makes it even better.

Cosima leans close to me, affectionately brushing a curl out of my eyes. "Company is pretty great too."

"It is…" I take a deep breath. "What do you want for dinner?"

"I don't know… should we like have very French food now?" Cosima tilts her head grinning at me. "Should we smoke cigarettes and stroll along the Seine?"

"This is Paris, we can have whatever you want." I smile back. "Anything." I wonder what kind of food Cosima would want. I know of a great Italian place not far from here. And if Cosima isn't certain I will push for it. The food would be the perfect follow up to this evening. I hadn't seen Cosima smoke, but maybe she just hadn't in front of me.

"Anything I want?" Cosima grins madly at me.

"Yes." I nod happily. "I know of a great Italian place not far from here. If you're not sure what you want for supper. If you know, then we can go wherever."

"Do you like me?" Cosima asks softly.

"Of course I like you. You're… my buddy." I smile encouragingly at Cosima.

"That's… nevermind." Cosima shakes her head. "Italian sounds great. Let's go."

We climb into the elevator, Cosima chatting animatedly all the while, hands moving wildly and I find her just so captivating all I can do is watch smiling like an idiot.

"You know what would be really fun? We should go dancing. Like to a club!" Cosima suggests.

"Tonight?"

"Why not… it's like Friday. Do you have somewhere to be?"

"I'm not dressed for it."

"You look great." Cosima assures me. "But we can eat, go home and change and then go out if you want?"

"OK. We'll go out. I hope you know where you want to go because… my knowledge of clubs in Paris is a little lacking."

"Yeah. I heard about this place on campus."

"It's not… It's not a gay club is it?" I worry, my brow furrowing as I look down nervously at Cosima. I certainly wouldn't belong there. But maybe I should try if that is where Cosima would be most comfortable.

"No… No… I wouldn't do that to you." Cosima assures me. "I will definitely go to one of those clubs, but on my own time."

"What about Lori?" The girlfriend, as if I could forget that.

"Lori can go screw herself." Cosima rolls her eyes. "She is ridiculous, and needs to chill the fuck out. Smoke some weed or something because she is way too uptight about what I am doing while I am here. And I have avoided temptation. She needs to trust me."

"Weed?"

"Marijuana. Something else I am not doing while I am here… I found it. Not sure if I trust the supplier." Cosima winces at me. "OK. Let's eat. We'll need the energy."

"OK." I agree, leading Cosima back down the streets, pulling her through the spring crowds by the hand. I can definitely ensure Cosima's experience here is as memorable as possible, try to compensate for what it may lack.


The club is loud, many young bodies leaping and jumping on the dancefloor. Blaring music. Cosima had worn me out, she'd preferred me as her dance partner but had switched to dancing with a young man, seemingly unbothered by the sexual signals he was sending out. I can see the dancefloor well enough. Cosima isn't too far away yet. I decide to finish my wine and rejoin Cosima, to dance until my feet are sore again and then maybe stumble home with Cosima to sleep it off.

It's then I see him. Marc. He starts to come towards me, I busy myself sipping my second glass wine. At least dinner provided a much needed barrier to intoxication. Italian food had been the right choice.

"Delphine!" He greets me loudly trying to be heard. "I … I have never seen you here before. You… you're out!" He is happy to see me, I note, and that might be more annoying now than ever.

"Oui." I answer patiently. "I am out with Cosima." I point to Cosima on the dance floor who immediately stops her grinding and dancing and makes her way over to me.

Marc continues talking. "I… I really am happy to see you here. Do you want to dance… or come with me? A drink? Get some air or a cigarette?"

"Everything OK?" Cosima pushes herself between the two of us.

"Non. Marc." I shake my head, sighing. I know what he wants. And I do not share his desire. I don't understand his fixation, if it were just physical why did he keep asking? I suppose I could get it over with. But then I would be stuck with Marc who most definitely wants to date me. And will not stop asking.

"Hey, buddy. I don't think Delphine here is interested." Cosima speaks clearly, and shakes her head but who knows how much can be overheard. She points at the two of us and at the dancefloor.

"Well.. if you don't want to dance, Delphine - Viens, fait l'amour avec moi." Marc demands, grabbing my arm. And while I know he's half-joking I tense instantly. He doesn't know either, he likely believes the lies I've told about the other students. That one or two of them were my lovers and I'd coldly waved them off after. Unphased by their departure from the country or my bed. Lying was easier.

"Non." I respond curtly, pulling myself closer to Cosima. Can't he see we're in the middle of a rather fun evening? Why won't these stupid boys stop bothering us?

"Who is he?" Cosima asks me under her breath, she leans in close to my ear, trying to make sure I can hear her.

"It's Marc. Another boy I don't want to make love to." I answer honestly. "He keeps asking me every so often. I just want them all to stop bothering me."

"Do you want me to make them stop?" Cosima asks softly. "I have an idea. But you might not like it. But it will probably get him to leave us alone, for now."

"Please." I respond, trying to keep exasperation at Marc from my voice. I don't know how Cosima plans to do that, but right now I do not care.

"Here..." Cosima offers quietly, leaning forward to claim my lips. She's kissing me and the world stops. It takes a moment for my brain to catch up with my body, and then I respond.

My own reaction to the kiss surprises me, she kisses back, turning what is supposed to be a show into a real moment of passion. It's too much. It's not enough. I forget that we're in a club, that no doubt people are watching us, I continue kissing.

"Holy shit." Cosima breathes when I reluctantly break the kiss.

I know instantly, I don't want to stop... it's not about Marc anymore. It's about Cosima and me.

"More." I beg softly against her lips, leaning down to kiss her again.

Cosima obliges me with a deeper kiss, I push further, sliding my tongue into her sweet mouth. I moan, and push Cosima against the wall. I run my hands down her body and I moan openly. I'm not sure what to do with my hands, I settle them on soft rounded hips. I kiss her again, deeper and she whimpers into my mouth.

But we've attracted more of an audience and when Cosima notices she becomes uncomfortable and tense. Suddenly unyielding under my mouth. Marc too is watching us, with an aroused look on his face and he shifts uncomfortably. But my desire remains. I want to take this somewhere private. Out of this club. Somewhere Cosima and I can be alone. Where I don't have to worry about someone like Marc getting too close to us. Or trying to join in.

The image of my new desire is burned deep into my mind, Cosima and I touching each other and kissing. Her hands on me as I love her enthusiastically. As I bring her pleasure. Tangling my body with Cosima's in my bed. Surely, surely, that must be what we both want? That Cosima meant the kiss as much as I did?

There's just one problem, I realize as I pull Cosima by the hand to leave. Cosima thinks I'm experienced. Even if only with men. Would she be able to guess? Would I get caught in my lie? Or would she expect me to be nervous and clueless anyway?

"God that was an amazing kiss." Cosima murmurs into my ear once we're safely on the metro.

"I've never kissed a woman before." I tell her honestly looking down into soft brown eyes. "I didn't realize it could be like that."

Cosima moans and squeezes my hand. "It isn't always. It was with you."

Notes: "Foufoune" is only slang for vulva in France. In Quebec "Les foufounes" are buttocks and it is seriously only used with tiny kids.